Hi,<P>This morning I had a mental melt down. Tony has always cheated on me via the Internet. He used it to find women. Around this time last year I came home early from school to find him on-line having cyber sex. (not a happy site to see)<P>After that he swore he never would do it again. Just like the last time I caught him. We even used the POJA that he would never have Internet access again. If he had to use the computer than he would ask me to use it and I would be there. If this is the case than why does he have Internet access now? <P>He pushed for it in a major way. When I voice my concerns he just says change the password. Jerk! I should not even be in this position. He agreed to not having Internet access for the rest of his life to prove to me that he will never cheat again. Not that anything can ever assure that.<P>Tony is a very selfish person. I have gone through hell since I have been with him. He has cheated on me since day one. Have threatened to throw me on the steet when we moved to Mass. He knew I did not have a friend or anyone to assist me. At times I would call and see what options I had if I was thrown out of our flat by him. (my name was not on it). <P>He has hit me with full 20 oz coke bottles. Told me I had major mental problems. Every time he does not get his way he threatens to leave me. I just tell him to leave.<P>He has not paid any of the bills since December. I have been paying them. This includes paying all the back bills that he has not paid. His parents accuse me all the time that I am just with him for money. How can this be if I am paying for everything? He leads them to believe that everything he purchases for himself I make him buy. He has surond sound in the garage. I never go there but yet it is my fault.<P>His family is mean to me. I am now just finally getting my life back in order. I have been given a promotion at work. I have bought myself a house. (everything is in my name). <P>I guess Tony has now decided he loves me and is trying to get his life in order. He is looking for a job and finishing his classes at night. He is starting to treat me with respect and not being so terminally selfish. But now I am sick of it. He can not decide he loves me now. <P>I think he has decided he loves me and can not live without me becuase he now relize that I can survive and thrive without him. I told him this morning that I really do hate him. I am so angry with him and his family. Maybe more angry with him because he led them to believe that I was this of way. <P>I have informed his family that all our fighting has to do with his affair and the like. I am just tired of being emotionally abused.<P>Maybe I really need time away from him. I no longer am sure I want be with him. He knows this and everyday he is scared I am going to demand he leave. I am affraid that I can no longer fool myself that I can work through the anger, pain and hurt from all his affairs and treatment. <P>Am I just being stupid. He can be very nice to me. Just this weekend he gave me a massage and all over spa treatment to show his love. He is excited about the house and is trying very hard to find a job. He is willing to do what ever it takes. I can not live though one more affair. I can not. Only you the betrayed know what emotional havic it creats for us. <P>I am here at work crying because I can not be hurt one more time. I can not live through it anymore. Why does he always have to have his way. Why push for Internet access. I hate checking up on him. I am not sure I will ever trust him again.<P>Please someone help me understand what to do.

Pahakissa:<P>No time to respond yet, but wanted to let you know that I saw this, and I feel for you. Just want you to know you've got friends here!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited April 10, 2000).]

Pahakissa:<P>I have some time to write this morning, but I'm not sure what I can say to help you make things better. I'm sure you know that only YOU can decide whether you're better off with or without Tony.<P>I <I>can</I> that nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been. Tony has been DEAD wrong to abuse you the way he has. You would be completely justified in deciding to remove yourself from such a potentially destructive atmosphere.<P>However, you seem to be clearly confused about your feelings for him. You say you don't know whether or not you love him. Well, you really need to do some deep soul-searching here to decide that question.<P>There are a multitude of men out there who will treat you with the respect and care that you deserve. The hard part is finding who they are! But, seriously, you've got to determine in your heart whether Tony's change of heart is genuine, or if it's a ploy to get you to stay. Only you can make that determination. Only you have the history, the knowledge, and the insight into Tony's character to know whether or not he's truly changing.<P>If you're not seeking counseling, I highly recommend thatyou do. A professional can help you put this stuff into perspective to determine whether or not you're better off with him or without him. Please, get some help with this decision.<P>I'll be thinking about you, and hoping you come to the right resolution for you.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Hi LoneStar,<P>Thanks you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me. I am not sure I love him any more. <P>Tony and I have been going to thearpy off and on for such a long time. He always finds something wrong with everyone we have seen. The last one said that I would always have to deal with his problems. I think she might be right.<P>Tony and I had a major discussion last night. He said he has always been filled with such rage but he is getting better. I told him that he terrifies me. I worry all the time that I will be punished for not doing what he wants. He says he is trying to fix this and he is very sorry. I am tired of being affraid. I am tired of dealing with his problems and mine as well. <P>I just purchased a house. Been promoted but dealing with the new company that purchased me and the product line is crazy right now. I am having to deal with the flux of major change. Finishing up my master. <P>Ultimatly I am too affraid that his change is not a real one but just to appease me for the time being. Tony has done this in the past. I want to know this is for real or if he is just doing this. I am also tired of living like this. <P>I suggest he leave for a bit. I really need time to think and it gets rather imposable with him here. I wonder how I can get proof that he is not just trying for the short period. Time is the only way and I am not sure I am willing to give him any more time.

hi paha,<BR>the one year mark is pretty rough my friend. In fact it really does suck. I feel for you.<BR>Instead of looking at tony, look at Paha. Look at how far you have some in such a short amount of time. You really are getting your life on track in spite of all the things you have dealt with the past year. <BR>Do you love him enough to be with him? No one but you can answer Paha. <BR>Yeah, the pain is too intense to sign up for a second course! Will he do it again? Maybe yes. But remeber where I come from-a long time addict for a h!!! We cannot really compare Tony to my h, but I sure would not give him the internet access or any other chances if you do decide to stay with him. The ability to trust again is something that you both can work toward together. It does not come easy. <BR>I think it is your right to make some demands on the relationship. This does not mean you have to be disrespectful of his needs. BUT HE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU. And that means no verbal or phsyical abuse Paha. None. There is no room for that in a marriage. Be smart, one year from now we will see a smiling happy paha again!!!

Hi Paha,<P>I agree with cl, (as usual !) Tony has to prove he can be trusted again. He can only do that by sticking to the agreement you two have made.<P>Remember Paha, that what you have been through with him has changed both of you, but you can make that change work for you !<P>Look at what you have done already to make your life more stable ! <P>Only you know what you feel for him and as Lone Star said it will take a lot of soul searching on your part to be sure of your feelings. He needs to tell his family to back off of you though! <P>Unless they pay your bills they have no right to say anything to or about you ! If they think he is so great and you are so bad, let them support his butt !<P>I'm praying for you Paha.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hi CL,<P>How are you doing? I hope everything is going well. <P>Thank you for putting me straight. You are right I have it so much nicer than a lot of people here. Tony never once wanted to leave, even though he has threatened. I am also lucky that it seems that Tony really has stopped his less than desirable actions. <P>He and I have really been talking this past week. I think I am really trying to get over the year mark. <P>You are right CL. I really need to work on me. I am trying to take into consideration everything I have done in spite of everything that has transpired between Tony and I. I really want to grow from this and learn what I need to change about me. I have decided I really need to calm down and not let things bother me so much. Not talking about the affair but just little things. I also need to let go of the past. Holding on to it has not been helping me at all.<P>Sorry if I am making no sense. I will try and write you again when I am not working on five million projects at once. Maybe tonight I can give you more insite. <P>Thank you very much. Please let me know how you are doing. You are such a wonderful person. I wish I could be more like a lot of you here on this site.

Hi Deb,<P>Thank you so much for your kind words. I have had the week from he!!. Work has been crazy. How have you been doing? Sorry to hear that Hep C is causing you problems. You know you are in my prayers.<P>Cl,<P>Sorry my message made no sense. <P>Well here is an update for all. I guess Tony and I are broken up. I asked him for time apart today. Just a couple of weeks. Time for me to work through all the issues of him being back on-line and the like. He called me up this week saying that he accidently got onto a porn site. I thanked him for his honesty but it did little in the way of trust ever being restored.<P>Then tonight he decides to go out to "eat" at 11pm est. His partent's live in a small town. Not much is open at 11pm. At first he said it was a resturant...I kept saying you may think I am stupid but I was not born yestureday. He finally admited it was a bar. I told him he could go to the bar and try and find a "date" for the night or he could drive back here and work on the relationship. <BR>Guess what he choose? Yup going to the bar. Oh yes he is going with his sister and her boyfriend. As if I am suppose to believe his family. They helped cover for all his affairs. I told him that he could move his stuff out when after I moved to my new house. I will have to have them change the locks in the morning.<P>I am not even sure they can change the locks. His name is no the lease as well. It is two months. I close June 1st. Maybe I could have it moved up. Not sure. At this point what does it matter. I can no longer live with this pain and rage. I begged him not to hurt me anymore. <P>What is so wrong with me that this always happens. Why am I so awful that no one loves me. I just wanted to be loved. I tried.<P>Now I just need the strength to rebuild me. How do I do that? I do not even know why no one loves me. I try to be nice, kind and caring. Take everyone's feelings into consideration. Tony does not love me...no one at work likes me. I have made no friends up here.<P>What is wrong with me? I wish I knew so I could fix myself. I am sorry.

Paha,<P>Whoa girlfriend , hold on ! <P>There is nothing wrong with Paha, there is something wrong with Tony however !<P> He seems to have the "I can't keep my zipper zipped syndrome" along with the "I know I agreed not to be online anymore , but now I really need to be rash" and the "Gosh I only lied to my wife a thousand times, I don't know why she does't trust me virus"<P>Honey, take this time apart to waork on Paha, be good to her for a change ok ? Maybe since you asked for this time he will wake up. You have turned the tables on him this time before it was always him going and Paha crying and trying. You spooked him with this and I bet he hates that !<P>Maybe this is the step you needed to take to show him how special you really are !<BR> <B> You are special Paha and don't you dare forget it ! </B><P>OK I am done done with this soap box now. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Hi Deb,<P>Thank you for your wonderful words of advice.<P>I wish I felt that of way though. I really think it is over this time. I can not believe he would do this. His family always cover for his lies. Of course he has turned his cell of and fixed it so I can not get his messages either.<P>Now I can not sleep and I have class in the morning. I should take this time to work on my many papers and projects but I can not even concentrate. I am going to see what I can do to at least do some class work. <P>I meet with a co-worker/friend tomorrow after class. I feel bad because at work today I just started crying on her sholders. I feel awful. I was down becuase he has the password for on-line and he said he accedently went to a porn site. <P>Now he is at a club probably trying his best to pick up women. Who goes out to eat at 11pm?<P>How is like treating you in Texas. Houston must be starting to get hot and humid. I love Houston. I am probably one of the only ones. I always found Houston to be better than Dallas. Though Dallas has a great deal of tech jobs. Nothing like Austin though.<P>I am wondering if I should purchase the house or just move back to Texas. There are a lot more tech jobs in Texas. I should rebuild my-self someplace else. Everyone here thinks I am a super bi@%$. It would be nice to have a new life. One without pain and disapointment.<P>