What does it mean when I get extreme pleasure or joy when I am unable or too tired to have sex with my wife?? A brief history: we have been married 26 years, got married too young I was 20 she was 17, I have had a problem with pornography from the begining and have been trying to seriously give it up for over a year now, she used this problem as an excuse to have an affair that lasted 3 years from 1979 to 1982, we separated for 1 month in 1983, and had a distant marriage from 1983 to 1999, in 1999 I suggested marriage couseling and things got alot better, in January 2000 after admitting a brief relapse(2 days) into my pornography addiction, she admitted to several meetings with her first lover after I was told it was over, a one night stand with a second lover, a phone sex relationship with a work client, and another 3 year affair that started in 1996 again with another of my so-called friends. I am quite sad most of the time now and am having a hard time dealing with all of this. She often unintentionally(I think) makes me feel like I'm a sick pervert, even though she encouraged the pornography for along time(so she could be part of it). What really has me confused is that when she makes an advance and I'm too tired or otherwise unable to perform sexually, I am overwhelmed by a strange joy or ha ha ha type of feeling and get extreme pleasure from not being able to give her sex. What does this mean???

It most likely means that you want to punish her for the hurt that she has caused you. I often feel the same way and do the same thing to my H. But a word of caution, I'm sure you have probably thought of this by now, but if she continually feels rejected she may stray again. I know this myself, but I still get a sick joy out of being happy that he wanted me and I rejected him, it may blow up in my face, but hey I get to have one moment of pleasure don't I? Even if it is a LB.

Thank you for the insight. It seems so simple when you put it that way. I'm having a very hard time with forgivness. It is kind of strange that my initial reaction was to forgive her completely, but as time has gone on I've had a harder and harder time forgiving her. This isn't helped by the fact that she still believes that my pornography addiction wronged her more than her affairs wronged me. I've tried to at least get her to call it all even so we can start over on a level playing field. She will sort of agree to that when she's calm, but if we're arguing(which seems to be happening more and more) then she always falls back to everything being my fault and me being the one who did the most wrong. I am trying to forgive her but this additude makes it very difficult.