For the past year I have been building a new house and I have not been spending any time with my wife. When I come home I am very tired, sometimes grumpy, and fall asleep in my chair while watching TV. We never spend any time together. If we both are watching TV we just watch it and never talk. <BR> My wife is a great woman. She is a little stubborn at times and she will stick to her guns. She is very defensive. Every time we argue she is never wrong. She is a religious woman and prays often. She has good morals and is always trying to set a good example for her daughter. She spends a great deal of time with her to ensure that she is raised with good family values. <BR> We both have been married before Both of our spouses cheated on us. We started dating before we both were divorced. We decided that even though we were getting a divorce that we would not have any sexual relations until they were both final.<BR> She needs alot of attention she was one who needs huggs and kisses. On the other hand I really did not. Sometimes when she would want to hold my hand or if she would want to hug for a long period of time I would get aggrevated and tell her to stop. I have said alot of things during arguments that I shouldn't have. All and all she would be upset for a while then things were back to normal. So I would thought.<BR>About two months ago my wife got a new job that she really likes and she seemed to change. She works in an office that mostly consists of men. The company is a new company and she has been having to work late some evenings. She has even joined the company softball team. She has become more withdrawn and when I would ask her what was wrong she said that she was following my lead. Just like I wanted. Whatever that meant. Sex went to a standstill. One day I realized that something was wrong. So I decided to change, Do special things for her, not spend so much time on the house, I sent her a flowers, cards, tell her I love her, make her lunch and put little notes in her lunch. She told me that I was getting weird. I started appologizing for the way I had treated her. Then I started wanting to talk to her. I would ask her questions about the people she works with. When she would come home a little late I was asking her where she was as if she were cheating or something. I got scared and wanted to talk about our problems all of the time we were together. I have started trying to show her more affection told her that I needed her to show me affection, but she has not. She still seems withdrawn. we are not communicating very well. When I ask how her day went or what was she thinking it is always a short answer and then silence. Things have gotten so bad for me that I have gotten emotional at times. The last time that I did she came amd hugged me and told me not to worry that she wasn't going anywhere and that she loved me. That it was just hard to bounce back. The other night I had a dream the dream was that she left me. I woke up and started to tell her about it and she got very mad and told me that every time she started to warm back up to me that I just would push her farther away. She doesn't want to make love to me. She will not talk about it or our problems and I can't understand why. <BR> The very same event happened in my previous marriage almost to the letter and she was cheating on me. I can't get it out of my head. I don't know what is going on and it is if I have to know. I am asking what it sounds like and what I can do to get my marriage back on track. Please Help!

Not sure if I'm the one to help here, but you're wife is still with you. Maybe if you took her out to dinner (not at home being the key thing her) in a different setting you both will react differently. Very calmly let her know you have concerns for your marriage. Explain that due to your previous marriage you may be reacting badly. Ask for her input on the situation. Perhaps ask for suggestions on what you could do that would make her feel better. All in all you'll have to respond to her answers. Most importantly remain calm (I know easy for me to say when I have problems doing that very thing!) If you're willing suggest marriage counselling as a way to address how all the hurts from your first marriage is affecting your second. Let her know you love her and want to avoid mistakes you've made in the past. I know it sounds as if I'm laying all the blame on you, however this is one way your wife will not end up on the defensive. Most importantly let your wife know you're interested in meeting her needs.<BR>--Goodluck and Godbless!

Welcome! You've come to the right place.<P>I'm sure NSR will respond to you shortly and show you how to get started in the right direction. He will have great links and great advice.<P>First, you need to read all the info available on this site. You can always come to this forum to vent and air your feelings, or seek advice. However, a marriage counselor would be a good starting place for you and your wife.<P>Dr. Harley has some great books that you should try to read. One that really helped me was his book, His Needs/Her Needs. You might see if your local library has it, or you can order it on this site or Amazon.com. It truly is a great book and helped me out considerably.<P>You have made great strides already in realizing that you weren't meeting your wife's needs. (Look up Plan A, Plan B on this website to help you) The key now is patience, positive behavior, and getting your wife to open up. Recovery will take a lot of time and effort. Be prepared for the roller coaster ride from hell if what you suspect (an affair) is true. However, don't be let down and give up hope. Marriages can survive affairs and become even better afterwords.<P>I'm in the midst of the roller coaster right now. Some days are good, some not so good. I try to keep positive, because my behavior directly affects my husbands. You are the one suffering, but the spouse feels the squeeze even more. Do they try to work out their marriage - do they want to go through all the work, only to see the results possibly fail a few years down the road? The lure of a new relationship (even if it isn't physical at this point) is so potent and addictive, that they can't even think logically. Be prepared for this.<P>Good luck to you - pray constantly! God will help you and so will we. Keep in touch!

Welcome <B>Adam J</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... It's mostly directed to those in the throws of an affair... and while you might not be there right now... it looks like the potential is there!<P>The site has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>You need to go back to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... that's what you were doing when you "...Do special things for her, not spend so much time on the house, I sent her a flowers, cards, tell her I love her, make her lunch and put little notes in her lunch."<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<P>Read and post... <P>Jim

You are on the right track here....don't give up hope. When things deterioriate, it can take a lot more than just one spouse's decision to change habits to get things turned around...even if an affair hasn't happened.<P>I encourage you to seek marriage counseling....whether there is an affair or not, your marriage is vulnerable right now and you need a qualified third party to get you communicating well. I also encourage you to read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman...it is my favorite on the best way to meet needs in a marriage.<P>You say that your wife is "religious person and prays a lot". This suggests to me that your own faith is not strong or even non-existent. I can tell you from personal experience that God is the answer to all of the questions that you have. Go to Him and ask His forgiveness for your own mistakes and ask for His guidance now....give your life over to Him and let Him lead the way to the happiness you want.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>