Hi Lona,<BR>I looked for you here yesterday, glad you did show up. <P>What I was thinking, is that - the more your husband accuses you and the more you deny - the more you are both "polarizing" yourself - and we've got to find a bridge. I'm not saying to admit to an affair that you didn't have, but what I'm saying is he needs to understand you - and you need to understand him.<P>In the Basic Concepts - on the front page of marriagebuilders, you can find some links to "infidelity". Sometimes inappropriate relationships, or thoughts, or online friends - etc. can do as much damage as a full blown physical affair. Where the damage comes in - is when the person feels betrayed, and feels like their feelings are not validated.<P>In the "harley world", an affair is defined an affair - by the person feeling betrayed. Also, a lovebuster is defined by the person who feels violated. Sometimes our spouses in our opinions don't exactly have their head on straight, and aren't exactly thinking the way we want them to think, and their feelings follow what they believe. <P>Then their feelings, based on what they believe, causes them to act and say things they would otherwise not say. I'm glad you want to try and keep your marriage together, and to do this - you are going to have to learn to "validate the feelings", rather than validate what they believe. Did that make sense?<P>So, ask your husband if he "feels" betrayed by you. You don't have to admit something that is not true, but you do need to build a bridge so he feels understood.<P>The other thing I would suggest, is to find out what he considers lovebusters, and what are his emotional needs. Go to the basic concepts and read all you can about this, and see if you can find something that can start making your husband believe that you want your marriage to work, so that he can "feel" loved. You can't change the past, but you can change today. <P>It feels so overwhelming, a spouse that feels betrayed is suffering one of the worse emotional pains there are, here on earth. And - whether or not that spouse is feeling this based on fact or lies, isn't the point. The point is that they are feeling - and they need to recover from the pain.<P>Ask your husband how he feels, help him identify it, comfort him, and tell him that you are sorry he feels this way, and you are trying to understand him. Tell him that you are willing to work on this marriage, and that you want him to feel loved, and satisfied, and you want to feel those same things.<P>Paint a picture of what you hope your marriage can be. Help your spouse believe that you are willing to put in the effort to make this a reality.<P>Sometimes only one partner does most of the work, but that is okay, it can still work. The theory is, that if your behavior changes, his will too.<P>God Bless<BR>TNT
