I know, I know what can be gained from a search for the OW... From my perspective, a little peace of mind, a little bit of control in an otherwise UNpeaceful and out of control situation. <P>No lectures on why I shouldn't search, please! Only tips from kindred spirits who have felt the same way. <P>I have a name, partial old address, approximate age and description, and she was a flight attendant. Any ideas on how to find a flight attendant when you don't know the airline? She has moved by the way. Of course, all of this has to be filtered through the possible deception of a cheating spouse...<P>Any and all advice on tracking would be appreciated!!!

I did the search - background check - family history and all of that - obsessive - yes, but something I needed to do to - as you said - gain control of an out of control situation. <P>My husbands affair was a 'cyber' one - he never met the lady - if you could call her that. The best thing to come out of my search is that we - yes my husband now knows I did this - learned everything, and I mean everything she told my husband to draw him into her life was an absolute lie. Everything but her age - isn't that weird - a woman that will lie about everything but her age. <P>I do have to say though that the search - even though good for me - has also taken it's toll on both of us. My husband now knows he got suckered and I know he is more gullible then I thought. This woman sucked him in with the no car, no job, abusive husband, small child to feed, and even added a story about her dead mother - I was able to locate her mother and she is alive and well. The one thing we can't seem to find is her husband - he doesn't seem to exist - it was a full on sad story - amazing what women will do for attention. <P>Proceed with caution - it is a very emotional ride. Could be good, but can also be dangerous and painful. In my case, I needed to know more about this women for protection reasons - she was harrassing me with telephone calls. I needed to know who she was and more about her state of mind in case I needed to take out an order of protection against her. <P>Good luck... if you have any questions - I'll be happy to answer them for you if I can. <P>

DeadInside beware of what you unearth; it could only hurt you more and make your H angry. When my H found out about my EA he found out so much about the OM I truly thought he had lost his mind. It certainly didn't help with me wanting to work things out. I only got angrier and resented him more for what he was doing. I was trying to forget the OM and here is my H digging up information on him and wanting to talk about him all the time. It made me nuts. <P>I know you are probably curious, but really, what good can of it? The OW is most likely just as curious as you. I don't know what your situation is, but if your marriage is salvageable, don't go there. In the long run its not important; don't open Pandora's Box.<BR>LS<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dead Inside:<BR><B>I know, I know what can be gained from a search for the OW... From my perspective, a little peace of mind, a little bit of control in an otherwise UNpeaceful and out of control situation. <P>No lectures on why I shouldn't search, please! Only tips from kindred spirits who have felt the same way. <P>I have a name, partial old address, approximate age and description, and she was a flight attendant. Any ideas on how to find a flight attendant when you don't know the airline? She has moved by the way. Of course, all of this has to be filtered through the possible deception of a cheating spouse...<P>Any and all advice on tracking would be appreciated!!!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Lonelysoul - <P>I'm not being critical, but if your husband was anything like me - he probably felt really blindsided by the whole thing - my husband and I were actually experiencing the best time our marriage had had for many years. Perhaps he is trying to understand how this could have happened and what it was he wasn't offering you that this other person was - that may have been his attempt to 'make things better' to prevent it from happening again by learning about the OM that had your affection. <P>I'm sure my husband thinks I've gone around the bend with my research, but in my case - this is a pattern of behaviour for him and this WAS the absolute last straw for me. I did my search because my husband must get help for this problem or the marriage is over. This is the fifth time he has done this to me in 18 years. None of the relationships ever led to infidelity, but after this one - the next one will unless he learns what it is that is making him do this and fixes the problem in him - it goes back to his child hood - but that is no excuse. I needed to prove to him that what he thought was just 'fun' and 'flirting', was very dangerous and he put me and our family at risk, which has turned out to be more true then even I could have imagined. <P>I think you are being a bit selfish not allowing your husband to work through this any way he needs to. He must feel like I do - that the more you resist talking about it - it is because you want to hang onto OM in some way - that's what I feel. We share truths in small doses and when it gets intense, we just stop until we can be rational again. The biggest complaint I have it that it takes so very long and the pain is as bad today as it was 5 months ago when I learned about it. <P>But it is and has been very difficult. When I started the search, I had an objective in mind and we have almost concluded the search - this woman is unaware that I have done this and she will not hear from either of us, unless she continues with the harrassment - then she will hear from the police - she is certainly disturbed - my husband isn't the only one she was 'cybering' with and she obviously has a very dilusional life. <P>You are right about being careful about proceeding though - the truth can be very hard to accept. If you can work through things without going the route I did - that is the best way, but I've been through all of the other ways and none have worked for us - so I guess I feel this is the 'tough love' approach - the truth shall set some of us free - it's the only way I can live. It was the right way to go for my situation. <p>[This message has been edited by genesforme (edited April 13, 2000).]

Have you tried just doing a people search on Yahoo? You can get all sorts of information just by doing that.<P>I have no opinion as to whether you should search or not. I found that the more information I had, the better. I have not approached any of my H's OW, but that doesn't mean I never will. It's just an option I do not choose to take right now.

Genesforme...it sounds as though the OW has given you a very hard time...I'm sorry for that. My situtation was that I basically had an EA with someone I met the internet...an email romance. I was married 15 years and up to that point had never done anything but be a devoted wife, so his reaction was odd to me. My H called this man's wife and called him and then continued to harass him with the information he was getting from who or what knows where. The OM and I have not been in touch with each other for two months. My attorney told me he and his wife could sue both of us because my husband stole my cell phone and beeped the OM at work with the number he had unearthed. <P>It has been a nightmare. I have told my H everything there is to know. He knows more about him than I do. There were no lies between me and the OM; it was all pretty tame, if not pathetic. Just be careful. When my H broke into my email and found some letters from the OM, he wished he hadn't..I warned him, but to this day he hurts from his snooping.<P>

Boy - your situation is pretty much exactly like mine - and I really understand what your husband is feeling. <P>It is very difficult for a spouse to grasp what attraction there could possibly be to words on a screen. I have been learning about chat groups since this and see absolutely no attraction. My husband said to me - 'haven't you ever just hit it off with someone?' How is it possible to 'hit it off with someone - that isn't there? especially in my husband's OW - it turns out - she didn't even exist - not as she said. Besides the fact that she was harrassing me and when I'd tell my husband someone is calling me and it feels very strange.... he said it was probably one of my nutty work associates - I have a high profile, international job. I do meet alot of 'odd' folks. This whole time knowing that it could be the OW - he let me get worried to the point of almost calling the police and having the phone wired. You see - she was very sophisticated - she had caller id and id blocker - so when I tried to get the number - I couldn't trace it by regular means - I needed help and that is where the PI came in. <P>When I told him it had been her - he said to me - "I never saw that side of her' - What side? He never SAW any side of her and knew absolutely nothing about her except her first name, cell phone number, and age, yet he told this person initmate information about us and that was hard for me to accept - that there was some strange woman out there that had personal information about me and I had none about her - now I do. The only way he finally accepts that it was her was for me to show him the phone record we have of the calls to our house - now he knows the truth. <P>It's very hard for a spouse to grasp the attraction and they need to understand and sometimes learning about the OP, eases insecurities. In my case it did on one level, but not on another. I told my husband it would have b een better for him to sleep with this person - atleast then I could understand that there was a true attraction. I have a friend who uses the term - ' it is impossible to joust with a ghost..' How do you fight for a marriage when the other person does not really exist - it's almost like dealing with a dead partner ina remarriage - you are always competing with a ghost. <P>My H says I know more about her then he does too and that is true - since I know the truths about her - he never knew her at all, but tried very hard to protect her from me in the beginning. <P>If it was over - why did you still have letters from OM? I did look and atleast that is one thing he did do - he deleated all evidence from his computer, but it didn't matter - I found her email address anyway. <P>You do have to be very careful what you do with personal information - in my case - I have told the PI to hold it in my file should I need any of it for future action against her - which is still a possibility. I have resisited temptations to face her, that border on harrassment - if anyone is going to press charges - I want ot be the one to do so.<P>I'm sorry my post are so long - but this is something I have been dealing with for the 5 months and have run through all of the emotions that could possibly exist. I feel for your husband because I know what he is going through. 5 months later and the initial emotions of learning about it - is as raw as the first day. <P>j

My situation is very different from yours...or so it seems. The OM has not harassed my husband, or have I bothered his wife. There have been no lies. He was everything he said he was and if he has checked me out or his spouse checked me out, they found I was who I said I was. I did have lots of letters from him, but after the discovery, I tossed them all...it seemed rather stupid to keep them if I was going to try and mend my marriage. My H got hold of a few letters because he broke into my email and changed my password, so I couldn't get my mail. The OM sent me letters that I could not retrieve, so he read them. I cannot explain an email romance because if someone asked me if it was possible for me to be in one I would have laughed at them. My EA lasted 5 months. It started out as a friendship and blossomed into something more. After a month or so the OM started calling me every day. I still don't understand how I could have loved someone I never physically met, but I did. When my H told his wife about us and the OM decided to go into marriage counseling, all communication stopped. I truly cared about him and wanted him to do what was best for him. I have not bothered him. I never wanted to be the OP. My H knows that we are not communicating, but he still insists that our problems are because I'm in love with someone else. This whole thing has been very painful. In my case, I just wanted to fix what was wrong with the marriage and forget the pain of the EA. My H, however doesn't think there were problems before I fell in love with the OM. How do I get him to see there were problems?<P><BR>

I found your posts interesting... My W was having a EA, oh...7 months ago now. I became suspicious by her emailing "someone" late at night just before bed. She never did that before. Added to 2 phone calls that I answered and my son picked but I heard the OM ask for my W, it was a case of putting pieces together over about a weeks period of time. It was a short but rather intense EA, they cover much territory in about 2 weeks, They only met secretly twice, coffee shop and a park, at the park there was embracing, kissing he tried more but was repelled! PTL. <BR>THe OM was a father from our sons sports team. <BR>On 9/8/99 I got into my W's email, see I created one of those freebies for her business months ago but she only became email savy about last summer, I knew the password, but never thought I'd use it. Glad I did.<BR>I captured 3 emails that she thought she had deleted but were sitting in the trash bin.oops. My heart sank, discovering those emails was like I had just lost someone, like someone close had died. <BR>I am a snoopy person , I look back and sometimes think I should have not said anything yet and got some equip and captured phone calls and more emails...I think now that would have been stupid. They were both experiencing an "emotional love" the OM was after a trophy ( my W ) my W wanted someone to tell her he cared, I had been dropping the ball big time. <BR>We are for the most part fixed now, had some counseling, read the 5 Love Language book, his needs ,her needs, applied all that stuff, and it worked. We are more in love than ever,get this , we even went out with the other couple ( The OM and his "un" knowing W)<BR>last weekend , with another couple too...it was weird! THe OM has been very appolgetic, and totally cooperative, I hold the Ace, I haven't told his wife yet. <BR>I know I should have early on, but now...?<BR>anyway...thats my evesdropping piece.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Lonelysoul-I have been hiding in the shadows here for about 6 months, however this is the first time Ive ever had anything to say, and you may not like reading it. We are two very different people (betrayer/betryed) but I will bet we have almost the same situation. My wife felt like I was not showing her enough attention. I agree with this, I was woking 80 to 90 hours a week(nights and weekends) making sure she had everything she wanted. She has the house, the new cars and 8 years worth of tuition paid for, so I truly thought I was doing the right thing. I knew we did not see each other enough, but we were building for the future. I did not know how unhappy she was and that is my mistake, Like you she found the OM on the internet, instead of coming to me with her problems she turned to a ghost. I'm also thinking you dont see what you did as anything more than "bad judgement" or "it was just words on a screen" right. Would you want to know who the person was that destroyed your life? Regardles of what you think, your husband , me, and 85% of the population see "online romance" as adultery!<P>You also act like you and he OM are such great people for not harassing tour husand and his wife. What on earth would give you the right to do that? They did not ask to be envolved in your life, you and OM<BR>can take all of the credit for that.<P>Sorry, got sidetracked. I wanted to help you understand what your H is trying to deal with. First you had an affair. From reading this thread your affair was ended by the OM, not you. It sounds like you have very strong feelings for the OM. Even if you did tell H everything, why should he belive you without finding out for himself. And finally, your telling him "just get over it". That will never happen.<P>As I will probally never post again, I would like to apologize if I offended anyone. that is not my intent. I have received a lot of real good advice on this board and would like to say thanks.<P>

I did take offense to your words...I know what I did wasn't exactly honorable. I did not mean to make it seems like the OM and I are great people. I am not proud of myself for my behavior...the point I was trying to make to DeadInside is that snooping around could backfire and cause more pain. My H took snooping to new levels, which angered me. He went as far as stealing my journal and taking it to work, copying pages and threatening to show our children and my parents. I bet you didn't behave like that when you found out about your wife's EA. I bet you didn't close your joint bank accounts 10 hours after you found out, I bet you didn't call your wife's parents, her siblings, her work, and your work telling them all she was having an affair...I bet you didn't call her names and spit on her in front of your children...and all before you saw any letters or talked to her about what was going on. All my H saw was a male name in my inbox and did all of that. That was just the beginning of his antics. Obviously, there are problems in my marriage that supercede my EA. I am not making excuses....what is the saying ignorance is bliss...sometimes it is and sometimes the "truth does set you free," only you know what will work best in your situation. Good luck in whatever you decide.<BR>

Wow, I did say be ready for what you find out.... <P>Today I learned that there is no record of a marriage or divorce for this woman. I had suspected it, but after all of the other lies uncovered - I find myself now routing for some thread of truth in the story she told to bring my husband into this co-dependent relationship. He believed he was helping her through a tough time - I still can't get him to tell me what that was. <P>As I said - my husband knows I am doing this as part of my way of dealing with it and because of the harrassment. But, I now find myself feeling truly sorry for him. He is finding out someone he thought he was helping out through a tough time - was just feeding him a 'BIG FISH' story and I know how he feels - I see it on his face. This 'error in judgement' may cost him his marriage. He's afraid of that now, but I can't change the way I feel about it - like I said - he has done similar things before - this one crossed the line and was my last straw. <P>If it had strictly been a computer thing - I could let it go a bit more easily - but as I told him - the day you exchanged phone numbers is the day you left me and he knew that that would be the outcome when I found out. <P>Infidelity whether physical or emotional is not something I can ever accept - too high of standards? yes, maybe, but that is how I live my life and he knew it when he married me. <P>We have along way to go to repair this one, if we decide to do so. I did tell my family and his older brother and sister-in-law - who is a psychologist because I couldn't deal with it alone - the pain was way to great and I felt like a complete idiot and total failure. I have spent the last 4 months in therapy to get back to being a strong person again. He didn't just effect our marriage - this event has paralyzed me professionally and I am literally an emotional basket case and I don't trust him at all, with anything, any more. <P>I feel very much like we are just two people existing together. I cannot talk about the future anymore and we were about to embark on an early retirement for my husband and finally have the time to spend together in a comfortable style we have worked so hard for all of these years. I no longer feel connected to that dream or plan. <P>I think if my husband would get help for his demons - I would be willing to look at a possible future - that was his promise to me that he would do that - he has not. So in my black and white book - I read that as he does not want to work through this or try and fix what's broken in himself that makes him do it. He knows it's my intention to leave if he does not see a therapists, yet he still has not - what does that say about his commitment to this marriage and saving it?<P>

Genesforme...I truly feel badly for you. I can see you are in a lot of pain. I know a lot of folks say why didn't you do this and that before this episode came crashing down on your head. It doesn't matter...you have to deal with what is in front of you. The past is the past. <P>I don't know why your husband won't get help...maybe he is in too much pain himself right now to deal with it...maybe he is in denial...I don't know. How serious was this relationship with the OW...did he think himself in love with her? I know the thought of that is hideous, but it could explain his reluctance to get therapy. It's ironic...I was the betrayer in my marriage, I have been going to counseling for four months because I have been an emotional mess, yet my H won't go to counseling. I had never so much as looked at someone else in 15 years and I had tremendous guilt even though I never met the OM. My H claims he has completely forgiven me and wants to go back to the way things were before. I cringe at that because things were unbearable before. Anyway, back to your husband's behavior. I know when my H found out and demanded I stop all communication with the OM, I refused. I told myself I couldn't do it. When my H started the snooping, I got angry and wanted to defend the OM. Why? Temporary insanity maybe....in any case, when my H called the OM wife and told her, I truly despised my husband. I felt like someone had hit me with a stun gun. I said some really hurtful things. I was not myself. I have never been in such a dark place and I didn't understand what I had done or what I was doing; I was out of control and that was frightening. Maybe your H is feeling some of this. I know how I would have felt if I had found out the OM had lied to me about everything....he may have but I don't want to know. How long has he known that this OW was lying to him? Maybe in time he will talk about it...did it ever turn into a PA? <P>I hope that eventually, your H comes back to Earth and will agree to go to counseling. You know your H better then anyone else; though I'm sure right now you feel you don't. He's got to admit what he did was wrong before you can mend things. If he is still withdrawling from the OW he is not seeing things clearly....<P>Try to remember that you are not responsible for his behavior. I hope things get better for you; I truly do.<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by genesforme:<BR><B>Wow, I did say be ready for what you find out.... <P>Today I learned that there is no record of a marriage or divorce for this woman. I had suspected it, but after all of the other lies uncovered - I find myself now routing for some thread of truth in the story she told to bring my husband into this co-dependent relationship. He believed he was helping her through a tough time - I still can't get him to tell me what that was. <P>As I said - my husband knows I am doing this as part of my way of dealing with it and because of the harrassment. But, I now find myself feeling truly sorry for him. He is finding out someone he thought he was helping out through a tough time - was just feeding him a 'BIG FISH' story and I know how he feels - I see it on his face. This 'error in judgement' may cost him his marriage. He's afraid of that now, but I can't change the way I feel about it - like I said - he has done similar things before - this one crossed the line and was my last straw. <P>If it had strictly been a computer thing - I could let it go a bit more easily - but as I told him - the day you exchanged phone numbers is the day you left me and he knew that that would be the outcome when I found out. <P>Infidelity whether physical or emotional is not something I can ever accept - too high of standards? yes, maybe, but that is how I live my life and he knew it when he married me. <P>We have along way to go to repair this one, if we decide to do so. I did tell my family and his older brother and sister-in-law - who is a psychologist because I couldn't deal with it alone - the pain was way to great and I felt like a complete idiot and total failure. I have spent the last 4 months in therapy to get back to being a strong person again. He didn't just effect our marriage - this event has paralyzed me professionally and I am literally an emotional basket case and I don't trust him at all, with anything, any more. <P>I feel very much like we are just two people existing together. I cannot talk about the future anymore and we were about to embark on an early retirement for my husband and finally have the time to spend together in a comfortable style we have worked so hard for all of these years. I no longer feel connected to that dream or plan. <P>I think if my husband would get help for his demons - I would be willing to look at a possible future - that was his promise to me that he would do that - he has not. So in my black and white book - I read that as he does not want to work through this or try and fix what's broken in himself that makes him do it. He knows it's my intention to leave if he does not see a therapists, yet he still has not - what does that say about his commitment to this marriage and saving it?<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I was lurking and found your thread. I am the betrayed in an internet affair (2 people that I know of)----I dont feel comfortable with the name betrayed, though, because I realize that their are two sides to every story. My H has also had a PA in the past, so I can attest to the fact that whether EA or PA, it still hurts!!!<P>In my situation, I felt things were "not right". I knew that my H would never admit to anything(I did ask)so I resorted to snooping. I went to his office and found the evidence. It began on the computer, graduated to letters and phone calls(sex), and I know of at least one meeting in person----of course there was no physical contact(right).<P>I told my family, but have never told any of his family or our children about these affairs. However, I talked with a very few close friends and our pastor. That was a mistake!I needed support, but my H has used it as a major LB between us. <P>I am supposed to forgive and forget his indiscretions, but he blames me for broadcasting our problems and for "taking away his church and all his friends"-he no longer attends church and runs from people that he thinks knows, if we see them out somewhere.<P>Well, I am rambling---<P>Genes, I sympathize with you. I realize that our spouses "choose" to have an affair (whether justified or not), and that their values and character determine their choices. When I found out, I was angry at myself, the other person, the internet---but it was a choice my husband made--<P>I am not sure marriages will ever improve without the committment of both parties (although I am trying Plan A alone).<BR>I hope that your H will go to counseling---my H sees it as worthless and for weaklings.<BR>I cannot guarantee that it will make your marriage affair proof---I never thought my H would make the same mistake twice. <P>I am not sure that the affair is worth sacrificing your marriage, if he would be willing to work with you. In my H's case, I think the aversion to counseling is PRIDE and embarrassment. PRIDE is probably the reason for the affairs too. In my Opinion, Pride doesnt do anyone any good, even if it is my Pride that says I shouldnt be treated this way.<P>As you said, one of the things that hurts the most is that our H feel the need to share intimate details of our lives with OP and are so blinded by the OP true character.<BR>Yet, they also choose to withdraw from us.<BR>It was hard for me when I found out about the other person---a real slut---and to think that my husband felt she was better than me! Boy that really put me at the bottom of the slime scale.<P>Lonely,<BR>I am sorry that your H was so hateful to you when he discovered your EA, but please realize that this discovery not only hurt him, but reached into his inner being and told him in BIG UGLY LETTERS what a LOSER he was! It was not right, but we all react STRONGLY to a slap in the face. You just reacted more quietly to his rejection by replacing him in your heart.<P>I hope for the best for all of us----Life is too short to spend in turmoil. I have tried for so long---I am to the point that I dont care what happens, I just want to get past it and be HAPPY. I want to believe that my H wants ME, but we all have to grow up sometime, dont we.<P>Thanks for letting me vent.<P>

deadinside:<BR>I completely understand the need you feel to know everything you can. I was there and I did it all: Private Investigator, internet searches, you name it. It helped me in 2 ways--<BR>1. It made it very easy to catch him when he said he wasn't seeing her anymore<P>2. It made it real easy to throw his stupidity/gullability in his face.<P>Obviously 2. isn't a good thing, especially if the goal is reconciliation. And it didn't make me feel better in the long run. (Although for about 5 minute after I got done throwing it did.)<P>Now here is the danger in knowing alot about the OP----There are more trigger dates and restaurants and stores and songs and you name it. The more you know and the more contact you have with this OP, the harder it will be to get over the pain and anger and resentment. Whether you reconcile or not, I imagine. Definitely if you reconcile. My H couldn't be doing a better job on his side of the reconciliation. My abundance of knowledge about the OW and their affair makes it very hard for me to let go of the pain monstly, even when I want to.<BR>From experience, my suggestion is--you really don't want to know any more details than you have to. Trust your instincts--you most likely know if something is still going on. The proof should only be attained for legal purposes if absolutely necessary.

Lonelysoul,<BR>wow! Your H did all that>? That is more than obsessive & Complusive. I looked back on my behavior after D-day, 9/8/99. for 3 mos I basically did a back ground on the OM, I had to know as much as I could about my enemy.<BR>I did not tell his W, I wish I had, see we see them now almost weekly and she does not know! I feel like I am holding on to this big secret ( I am ) everytime I am around her. He r H is not accountable to anyone, well , me sort of, if I found out he did this to any other woman I told him I would tell. I actually email occasionally w/ the OM. We talk civilly now, I still keep him ata a dist from my W when we are around. BUt I never thought of doing the things your H did, I feel for you. None of our family knows, only a few close friends that helps us throgh this with prayer and a listening ear. <BR>I pray for the best for you. <BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

JNVC....Thanks for understanding. There are days I really don't think I will ever be normal again. It is sad knowing that I put in 15 years into a marriage and this is the result. I complicated an already bad situation by having the EA and now I'm dealing with this withdrawl. Sometimes I think I am truly going crazy from it all. Anyway, thank you for your kind words and prayer. I hope things continue to go well for you. It must be very difficult to see the OM and his wife. I am grateful I will never be put in that situation. The OP I was involved with lives in another state. Again...best of luck to you.<BR>Lonely<BR>

That's exactly how I feel - I put 18 years into this relationship with this man, we had plans and dreams, and goals that we have both been working towards with the outcome of retiring him early so we can have a comfortable mid life and enjoy ourselves. We were and I think even if we split - will continue to be - best friends. We are very passionate for each other and make good friends, but our marriage hasn't been much of one. <P>The sad part is - we achieved our goal and he was set to retire anytime - and he had to go and do this - it ripped the rug right out from under me and dashed all dreams I had of the future we were planning. <P>I no longer have those dreams and feel I was pretty much used the last 18 years and too easily replaced. <P>Hopefully I won't feel this way forever - I do know that I no longer have any expectations of my future with this man and feel my marriage is the past. I don't want that marriage back - it was hard and had some really tough times, lonely, and sad. If I stay with this man - we have to start over and that is where we are now - each feeling our way along trying to decide if we want to be with each other or not. Not something I thought I'd be facing at this point in my life - I thought we would start having some fun!... We had both worked so hard.....

I've noticed that most folks who've been posting messages seem to think it's wrong to notify the OP's spouse of the affair. Why?<BR>Do you really think you'd prefer to be in the dark about your spouses infidelity? I wouldn't, so why would the OP's spouse not want to know? Yes, it's very painful, I didn't know I could hurt that bad, but I certainly don't believe I'd be better off involved in a marriage that's a lie. I'd tell the OP's spouse in a heart beat, sure part of it is revenge, but I think it's also about doing anything possible to end the affair. I want the OP to realize how it affects a marriage, how much it hurts the betrayed spouse, see the consequences of their actions up close and personal. I don't think that's wrong, it's disciplining bad behaviour.