I'm feeling discouraged...added to lonely, and still bewildered. <P>I see the fantasy of whatever was going on starting to dissipate. (this is also verified by OP's H---with whom she is still with and knows all the details)<P>My H and I have really yet to talk.<P>I have been trying to do plan A since he moved out in Feb. After much anger and distance from him towards me and the kids he seemed to soften a bit.<P>He started spending more time visiting and was even affectionate towards me. At least giving me good hugs good by. <P>We spent spring break together with the kids and had a good time. Some decent conversation....lots of affection. We even slept in same bed with the kids in our room also.<P>Now he went back to work with OP and even was a t a meeting with her and since then, even though he is calling and seeing the kids often, he seems either more distant or at least less affectionate towards me.<P>I suppose he could be in withdrawal. (can you be in w/d if you still see the OP even if you know it is a fantasy?)<P>I have had my feeling bottled up for so long because he was incapable of hearing what I had to say, that I finally let some out recently.....not in a horrible way. He was able to hear me and calmly reply. He knowss I am hurt and was even able to fill in the blanks of some of my sentences.<P>I was having a hard time wanting to do plan A with all of my feelings inside for so long.\<P>Anyway, I'm not sure if I have done anything to make him want to come home.<P>He is getting closer to the kids, but not necessarily me. He is at least nice to me, but I don't have a clue what he is feeling for me. It actually seems like nothing. <P>I can't tell you how loved I felt by this man up until November. <P>He knows his memory is not great re: us, could that be it. Will he not be willing to work on our relationship until OP is completely out of the picture????? HE knows I will not stay here in this city if he continues to work with OP. And he still is trying to maintain a relationshiop with the kids.<P>We still talk about all of the financial stuff like nothing has changed between us. (which at first he was gung ho separation adn splitting up of the $$)<P>He is a real conflict avoider. Itold him to write or e-mail me if he had difficulty telling me things. But so far...nothing.<P>What do you make of this. What can I do?<P>I am still not 100% sure of what needs I have not met. He has been a workaholic for the past year and a half....with the OP.<P>He mentioned conversation and support for his work, which I couldn't do since I did not work with him and she did......<P>I am trying to focus on me and the kids, but I miss him, and love him and want to work on the marraige. I'm still shell-shocked by the whole thing. <P>Any advice?????

Hey TT,<P>Your emotions are raw. They will be. It's the law. Look what we have gone through.<P>Plan A is tough. It has been said that even if you don't see results that doesn't mean it's not working.<P>I'm sure seeing her sent him into a tail spin. I believe it's called jet wash.<P>We, the betrayed, have a rough job. No one said it was going to be easy. <P>It is also said that as long as OP is still in the picture the fanstasy continues. We know it is not real. I was on the other side of the fence and it certainly seems real. At least at the time, real.<P>Val is a CA as well. They really need to be treated with kit gloves. You push, they run for cover, a safe place. Guess where that is?<P>What can you do? You can move into Plan B if you can not do Plan A anymore. These plans are really for you.<P>Hope I helped just a little.<P>Tim

TT,<P>I really feel for you! I know Plan A is so hard! Especially if you and your husband haven't even had a chance to talk about things. <P>I think Tim is right, as hard as it may be, you may need to try Plan B. I sort of did an informal Plan B with my h. I think it really drove him nuts. I didn't think it did at the time but after the fact, I found out it did.<P>It is so hard when they are in the fantasy! I am going to keep praying for you and your h. I pray that he will snap out of the fantasy and back into reality! I pray that he will remember how much he loves you and that he will realize this ow is nothing compared to you and what he has with you!<P>I guess in my case, I just put all my feelings aside and was as nice as pie to my h. The thing is, he was nice to me too. I guess we were Plan A'ing each other. I don't know if it will be that easy for you to put your feelings aside or not! That may be the reason Plan B is a good idea for you. I know it is hard and that is why I never formally did Plan B. I just couldn't bring myself to do it! It really scared me. But, we did have a nine day period where we didn't see each other at all. I actually grew much stronger in that period. It could be the same for you. That is the idea, for you to get stronger and your h to grow weaker so to speak... If he doesn't see you for a long time, he may come to realize that he really wants to be with you and that you are what is important!<P>I feel so blessed as my h did come back and he is sitting here right beside me playing on his computer! I want to believe that it can be the same for you!<P>I will be thinking of you and keep us posted!!! I really do feel like our situations are very similar!<P>Woozy <P>

Hi, Honey. You're gonna be ok. You're still at the beginning of this ride, but, take my word for it, it does get easier (not fun, but easier!)<P>Ok, everyone's situation is a bit different, but here's mind, just for comparison for you. Discovery was June. Robert moved out 8/5. In with PT 9/1. Limited contact during that period. I mean WEEKS w/out talking or seeing him. Didn't even know where he WAS part of the time. <P>October I heard things were not great with PT. Started sending him letters, news from home about our daughter. Didn't even have an address, sent them to his mom's and Pop took them to him. One a week. Funny, happy, entertaining letters. Ending with a simple "I love you." <P>He started making a bit more contact - now we're still not talking even once a week. But a call here and there, a visit occaisionally to hunt or to take care of some business. Never once during this time did we talk about us or our marriage - not at all. Never once did we talk about him and PT - not at all. Not from the day he left. When he stopped by I just had dinner cooked (sometimes he ate, sometimes not - usually he was with his brother - I fed them all). I laughed and talked and flirted most all the time. (not counting a couple of tense moments that he was there b/c of problems w/ our daughter.) He'd leave, I cry my eyes out. But I Plan A-d myself to death. And if you knew me, you'd know that Plan A for ME was more working on me and my life than being great to him - didn't see him enough anyway!!! <P>One day after the first of the year, he had volunteered to fix my dryer - surprised the heck outta me, but sure, I'm not gonna turn down an opportunity to see him. On the way here, he called me "Do you really need to have the dryer fixed today?" "No, been broken for a couple of months, what's another week or two." "Would you like to take a ride?" OK, I almost passed out. We'd had no dates, no talks NO time together alone at all. "Sure, where?" "West". Uh, ok, I'll be ready.<P>Wound up traveling to my brother's, about 3 hours away. Talked and chatted about nonsense the whole way. Played in the snow, visited my brother's new farm, had a great day. On the way back from the farm to my brother's house, he said, out of the blue "If you'll have me, I'd like to come home one day." Well, duh!!!<P>Then, we talked. For the first time ever. About us, about our marriage, about the problems, about the future. I followed his lead and reassured him as I was trying not to yell, scream, cry and run naked through the streets. For the next few hours, trapped in the car together, we talked and talked - better than we had in years.<P>OK, I've talked too much already. He's home now, we're doing great! Sooooo....don't panic about not working on you guys at this point. Sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Just keep on Plan A-ing yourself and making yourself strong and even more wonderful than you already are.<P>Hang in there. It's a long ride, but it can be worth it.!<P>Lori