Next week will be my 14 year Anniversary. H moved out about 3 months ago and is living with ow. I know in my heart that my h still loves me. He is addicted to ow. He can't help himself. Throughout counseling, all he could say to explain this affair was that he knows he loves me BUT, he is completely drawn to OW. I don't talk much to him and either does his family and friends. He really only has OW to talk to. He has also completely changed from the person he was for 12 years. He is a total stranger. My problem is that I can not really do Plan A. I filed for divorce only because this is the 3rd time I found out about H with OW. The first two times he wanted to come back. She lives in the same town and kept resurfacing so he could not cutoff all contact with her. He met her at work but she has since left after word got out that they were messing around at work. I can't continue to live like this. I think he would have been happy if I waited a years to file so he could see if he was making the right decision. I don't want this divorce at all. But, I feel trapped. What else should I do at this point. All of my family, his family and friends feel so bad for me. They are all so upset by all of this as well. Everyone who knew us thought we were the perfect couple. As did I. They all say I don't deserve this and there must be someone else out there for me because God would not have put me thru this pain. When I do speak to my h, its usually about the kids and money. I have a hard time seeing him because I so miss him. I try not to let him know that though. He now seems to want the divorce to go thru as quick as possible. He just switched lawyers. I think he is getting pressure from OW. At any rate, I was wondering if I should get him anything for our anniversary next week or just let it go???? Does anyone have any advice of how to go forward knowing I don't want a divorce but also knowing h is still convinced he made the right decision and his true happiness is with ow and her 3 kids....<BR>HELP

I haven't posted for awhile, but felt the need to respond to your situation. I was married for 28 yrs when my ex and divorced because of OW. I filed for divorce because I was so angry and hurt--I did not want it. What I wanted was for my husband to stop the divorce and come home. I begged ,pleaded, cried, and all the other stuff one does when they feel helpless and don't know what else to do. If you don't want the divorce then don't do anything in that direction--let your husband do the work. Just make sure you and any children are protected financially. Taking care of yourself is not a lovebuster or in any way saying you want divorce. Divorce is not the answer! It will be three yrs in August that my divorce was final, and I am just now coming out of the devestation. I don't know if you are a religious person, but you can check out several site where others are standing for their marriages. Divorce is devestating to all involved, even the wayward spouse. Let this be the absolute last resort. As a post script, my ex moved in with the OW, six weeks after the divorce. They are still together, but have no wedding plans. Her and my daughter can barely tolerate each other, and my ex feels caught in the middle a lot. Holidays are not the same-we pretty much don't even celebrate anymore. Please go very slowly and if you don't know what to do, don't do anything. That's the best advice I can give you.

Its kinda to late to not do anything at this time. The lawyers are involved and My h says he is 100% confident he made the right decision. If he doesn't want me and the kids the way we were, then why fight? I feel its useless. I hate sitting back and waiting for him to come out of the fog. Its been 3 months. That might never happen and then I will be the one worse off by sitting and not getting on with my life. <BR>My h would have no grounds to divorce me on so I was the one who had to initiate it. I feel forced into this and I just don't want it but I really don't see the point in stoping it if h is happy where he is. Besides, all of my friends and family will think I am crazy..... Any thoughts??

Here's a thought...who cares what others will think! You are the one who has to live with this decision you are making, not those who might find you crazy. It's really easy for someone on the outside to stick their nose in and judge, but as you well know, being the one to have to endure this pain gives a completely different perspective on all of it.<P>I agree with the advice you were given, if you don't really want it, don't go through with the divorce. If he is sure, fine, let him do the work. <P>Truth of the matter is, and I think you will see this is true if you read into the posts here on the forum, your situation is still so fresh. Many take months and months and even years to heal. I say this with total appreciation for your pain as I am walking in your shoes and this is not my first time either, three months is not very long at all to have to wait for things to get better. As hard as it is, it's not been long.<P>I found with my own H that the more I talked about divorcing him the more he leaned in favor of it. And when I don't discuss it at all, neither does he. In many other ways as well I found he was very much following my lead rather than taking control himself. So I just stopped talking in ways that were to his advantage and began talking only about what it was that I really wanted.<P>You are not trapped, regardless of how it might look. You've always got a choice. But don't let what others may say or think push you into doing something you aren't comfortable doing. IT may look pretty awful right now at the 3 month mark, but who knows how things will look in another 3 days, or 3 weeks, or 3 months...give it a real chance. You've come this far already. Time is the real provider for your answers. In time you will know, in time you will be ready if divorce is the right answer, and in time he will take the lead.<P>Best of luck....

missy9,<P>If you can't do a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... do a<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> for a few months and then complete the divorce...<P>Just an idea...<P> <P>Jim