My husband and I have been married for almost four years. It hasn't been and easy marriage, we got married because I was pregnant. Anyway, I don't say that to excuse what I'm about to say, but I had an affair which lasted about a month and didn't contain and sex or sex acts. I have read some of the posts on this sight, and so I'm not sure this isn't going to become a hostile environment for me. <BR>I guess I'm just looking for some suggestions. I've never had to deal with an affair situation before, and I don't know what my husband neads. He has been very emotionally and verbally abusive, and while I can understand his anger, I'm getting close to the end of my rope with the constant barrage of insults. <BR>When he and I got married, I was the only person he had ever had sex with, but I had had sex with another person and many other physical relationships. Physical validation is a whole other issue here, but the reason I mention the problem here is because as recently as this January he's grilled me and insulted me about those pre-marriage relationships. It doesn't make me hopeful about the future of this affair hanging over my head. <BR>I know this post probably doesn't sound sympathetic to my husband's feelings. I feel a huge amount of guilt, although it will never be sufficient for him, I have cut off all ties with the OM (other than that which my husband has insisted I have), and I am trying to stay even though I have serious reservations about us ever being happy again, considering I was unhappy enough to have an affair and nothing has really changed. But, I do love him, and I can definately envision our future together. I'm broken hearted sitting in this house all day watching him be sad, and knowing that I'm not able to do anything to fix it<BR>I know he needs time to heal, but what can I do and how long should I feel obligated to be the focus of the most hateful things I've ever heard? I don't think I have the endurance to have this last another 4 years (like the problems he had with my pre-marriage sex life.) <BR>We've discussed countless reasons why this happened. I felt pretty insignificant to him for most of our married life. He told me on our wedding day that he didn't want to be married to me, that he hated me and that if I had a miscarriage he would leave. Well, it continued along that vein for most of the first year, and after that I think he tried to come to terms with the situation. It's been very hard for me to be married to someone who doesn't feel for me like I always thought my husband should feel. And I know that same thing has been a problem for him. I am painfully aware that this wasn't the most productive way to compel him to make a decision, but I was to the point that I was tired of being his default wife and I wanted him to either divorce me or decide once and for all that I was the one for him. Well, the reason I mention all of this is because I don't know if he and I have a strong enough foundation to rebuild upon. I want to, but frankly I'm sick of the maintanance this relationship has required. It certainly has had it's good points and that's what he and I are clinging to. But, I think we're both worn out trying to fix what's been broken for so long.<BR>It's only been a month since he found out, but it hasn't gotten any better. Any suggestions?

Ouch. I too am a betrayer, EA. Never discovered. After spending weeks here I confessed to H and guess what. He doesn't care. He won't make any special effort to be in this relationship. All he says is, if you think you can do better, go for it. Don't know what the answer is. <P>Thankfully, he stopped being abusive last January. But he won't read, won't talk, won't take time with us. Just lots of time out with his beer bottles. But he got me pregnant again, so I'm stuck. And think I'm falling in love in another EA. There won't be any end in sight if he won't play the relationship game. I'm tired.<P>Ultimatum time?

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies<P>Bless your heart. All we can do is pray.<BR>I was in the same situation. It can get better just alot of hrad work.<P>God Bless you all<P>Renee

Hi there,<BR>I am sorry you are here, but glad you found this place.<P>I, too, am the betrayer, reading your post is like reading my own. I have been there and been there for a long time. The difference is that I did engage after a fasion in a sexual relationship. <P>My H was utterly the king of the A*******! He himself will admit to that. Actually he is harder on himself then I was.<P>He takes total responsibility at being the one who helped shove me out the door into another mans arms. The other man was his best friend, so that was a double whammy.<P>I carried onwith my affair on and off for about 2 years. The physical part wsa just the icing on the cake so to speak. The bad part is that while at that point(Jan 2000) the only emotinal need he wasn't meeting was the sexual part. During the worse part of our marriage, he took what wasn't given in love. The reason I had this last rekindling with OM is because I gave only what i wanted to and he took only wahat I offered. Weird isn't it?<P>It takes time to heal from this awful problem. But if he isn't willing to see his part in what you did, then he will always use this against you. And everything else you have ever done. <P>I am not sure it is worth staying in a loveless marriage. If my husband hadn't turned to god to change his person then i would never have stayed. I am so blessed to have a husband that is everything a woman could ask for. He is so wonderful.<P>If you want you can email me, i willtell you more of our situation.<P>mothernature@ria.net<BR>mercy

Welcome <B>if only</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P>About your post...<BR>Counseling seems to be very much needed in your case...<P>After you read all you can from this site... and all the links on the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome Message</A>...<P>...I would recommend that you (just you if your H doesn't want to yet)have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>Get some direction...<BR>...Steve or Jennifer can help with that!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 15, 2000).]

Thanks for all your posts. It's nice not to feel like I'm the only one with these problems.

if only<P> Welcome, if sounds like the problems in your marriage run pretty deep. I am a strong believer in that the two of you feel in love and got married becuase you love each other. I know you said you were pregnant but I'll beat noone was holding a gun to anyone's head forcing the marriage.<P> I don't know what the answer is and Lord knows I have enough problems of my own but one thing I have learned is this <P> When you first meet you do things that brought your love to life and for reason these things seem to disappear once you get married. I know this is what I did and once I got the affair dumped on me I stated doing what we did when we were doing some 19 years ago. <P> I think if you still have feels for each other there is a chance to rebuild your marriage. It is not easy and the road is full of pot holes but the rewards are worth the trip. My marriage is still struggling but I can see the light and it looks wonderful. If this is what you want it will take BOTH of you working at it. <P> I would also like to bring up that these pot holes can be deep and hard to deal with but if you can keep the focus on your goal you'll find the strength to continue.<P> You may want to seek professional help to get you started, it sounds like the two of you are in a battle to hurt each other. Until the war is over no one is going to be able to heal.<P>I'll be praying for you and your husband<P>Joe<BR>

I was in a very similar situation as you. Long before my very brief affair, my ex-H would bring up things from my past. I had never cheated on anyone in my past. When I was in high-school (which was 20 years ago!!!), I was a little more sexually experimental than my ex. He seemed to enjoy cutting me down.<P>After I confessed, he was also very verbally abusive and had physically threatened me a few times. He treated me like crap for a year, then dumped me. If I knew then what I know now, I would have just divorced him instead of confessing or trying to reconcile.<P>Here's the deal. Nothing you have done justifies your husband's behavior. What he is doing is abuse, plain and simple. He needs help. Beating you up verbally or physically is not going to help anything. Don't think for a SECOND that you deserve any of this. I used to think I did, probably because my ex had cut me down for so long I didn't know what to believe anymore. <P>I was with my ex for 8 years, which was 8 years too long. Alot of people here have said that it is possible for you two to heal your marriage. I know exactly the position you are in. Even if my ex had "forgiven" me, he'd have to make HUGE, MASSIVE changes in his approach to relationships. He was very abusive in obvious and not-so-obvious ways. The way I feel now is there was very little hope I could ever trust him again after the way he treated me for so long. Some people like to have someone around to beat up on to help them deal with life's frustrations, and that wasn't going to be me. I'm very glad to not be subjected to that anymore. <P>

If Only:<P>You mentioned in your post that you are afraid that this will be a hostile environment for you since you are a betrayer. Well, I'm a betrayer, too (EA and PA). It's not always easy around here, but I can tell you this: People here won't tell you what you WANT to hear...they'll try to help and tell you what you probably NEED hear. Sure, there are some jerks on this site who lurk and seem to wait for betrayers so that they can trash them/us, etc. But, that's THEIR problem. MOST of the people here that have replied to my posts, even if they don't agree with me, have been kind and supportive and helpful and honest. <P>So, don't be afraid! There are some good people here! <P>Jill<P>