My husbands affair was a 'cyber' one - he never met the woman, but he saw her photographs. It is very difficult for me to understand this attraction to word on a screen. I saw absolutely no attraction. Still, I tried to understand, so I started 'exploring', writing on boards, not really doing anything wrong, but putting my self purposely in this position. Well, men started sending me emails, lots of them. This is so strange, so many people on the Net get quite good at doing what they want to, and really don't care if someone gets hurt. <P>I also made what I called "A Memorial of B e t r a y a l". It's made from parts of my husbands emails to her, and some from her to him; from the start, talking about how they are only friends and him saying "I'm also mad about this (my snooping), I've never done anything inappropriate with you, any woman on the Internet for that matter, and I don't appreciate being spied on" That was after she send her swim suit pix to him, and me getting upset. She then proceed asking him to password his email "So she can feel free to expressing her self, without me reading it", and he did! Of course, he did not know I had a way of getting inside, regardless... It continues to a point of my husband saying, four weeks later: "I will confess to you that a dream of mine is that we will find each other one day" and "I hope it is enough, it is all I have to offer at this time, wish there was much more, but reality bites, and it hurts." <P>I'm this reality that hurts, I suppose. She is marry too, and that wasn't a first time for her. What is so strange, she did everything he always said he despise, but he told her " Would I think less of you by what you tell me, and have told me? No, only think more of you." She did cyber sex with somebody else, among other things. He hold a double standard for her and him self. They are now supposedly only 'best of friends', talking every day. I guess, waiting for me or her husband to die, or something like that. The worst part was what he said to her in the end: "Yet there are no regrets on my end, nothing to take back or change, I would repeat everything I have done exactly as I have done it, including every mistake I have learned so much from, including every good decision I made, and especially the best decision I ever made, to place my total trust and faith in you over any and all others." He even stop playing or talking to his four year old son...<P>I'm a good looking woman my self, men tried to pick me up constantly, but I never even had a thought about cheating. I'm now thinking that maybe I should, a cyber one at least, so he can feel some of a pain (he won't feel the same, that I know) I felt. I don't know how to continue, how to find a forgiveness in my hart...I'm so upset, mad, and disappointed, I can't even think straight. Please help....I don't know what I may do next...

Take a deep breath and breath....there...<BR>count to ten.<P>You have every reason to be upset. Yet getting back at your H this way is not the answer. I too have been asked no less, if I wanted to have a affair and cheat on my H because he did it to me. Two mistakes does not make it right. You have to remember that you have to live with what you have done for ever.<P>Yes we want to get revenge, yes we want to strike back, yes we want them to feel our pain, but I have to tell you they don't care. If we did all those things, our S would only use it for validation of why they did it in the first place. That is all they need, one more excuse why it was ok.<P>The best thing and the hardest thing to do is to concentrate on YOU. I still have a hard time trying to do it. I still have obsessive thoughts that drive me crazy. <P>They are in a dream land where all morality and trustworthy does not exist.<P>Hang in there....hope this helps!<P>

DTI<P>Perhaps I've misread you but it seems this cyber affair is ongoing. I've not read anything about how to handle cyber affairs but it seems to me some things are obvious.<P>1) As has already been pointed out, two wrongs won't make this right, and it won't make you feel any better about what he has done or is doing. You've already got the pain of being betrayed, do you want to add to it the guilt of betraying another? I'd say your plate is plenty full as it is.<BR>2) Even if he sees nothing wrong with what he has done, try to get him in for marital counseling. Not because of what he has done but because of how you feel, that you need him to go with you to help you work through this. I'm sure once he is in, the counselor will direct his/her attention to your H's inappropriate behavior.<BR>3) Have you asked him to just give this lady up? Regardless of how innocent he feels the relationship is, have you asked him to give it up simply because you are uncomfortable with it and for no other reason than out of respect for you?<BR>4) He is clearly in a fantasy right now DTI and it feels so good to be addicted to this woman, this is why he is without regret. He doesn't necessarily, in his right mind, like how she is, but he likes how this relationship with her makes him feel about himself. Just like some men go to whores...they may want to sleep with them but they surely don't want to spend the rest of their lives together. <BR>5) Try to remember that part of the attraction to her is that he cannot have her, which makes the wanting that much sweeter. Not that this makes it any easier for you but perhaps such insight can help you to better understand just where your H's brain is. It's really tied up in a fantasy that he thinks is reality.<P>Good luck and I really do hope you get in to a good counselor before things get carried away.

He refuses to go to marital counseling, or any other counseling. I just mention it casually (a short time ago), and he blow his top, saying I'm trying to control him, he doesn't need one, and stuff like that. I then <BR>got upset, yelled back, and told him what I just found out about his OW, she is posting 'are u mr right?' ads, trying to find men, I'm not sure anymore if she is marry at all. He refused even to read that.<P>She is a moslem, from Malaysia, and maybe she can't date not moslems (or anyone, so she lives in this fantasy world on a net), and maybe this is why she told him she is marry (in addition, she told him a very strange story, so he was supposedly protecting her too, and she told him he was an only man who never tried to pick her up. He believed her?!). I'm so mad, my feelings are burning a hole in my hurt. Maybe he is unreachable, I don't know. He is right now seating by his computer, writing to her, and smiling. He looks like he lost his mind.

DTI<P>Clearly he has lost his mind if he does all of this in your presence and with your full knowledge.<P>I happen to be in a relationship with a moslem and here's a good thought for you to know...his relationship with her will go no where further than it has already though it seems to be far enough along as it is. <P>I say this based on the fact that a woman raised Moslem is not allowed to marry a man who is not. If she does, her family usually responds to it with great hostility. <P>However, whatever her religion is, she clearly does not follow it. The OW in my marriage is also a moslem and saw nothing wrong with what she was doing...but that attitude is simply what gives them the permission they need to do what they are doing. <P>I'm wondering, have you asked your H just what it is he wants from you at this point? He won't support you in counseling, he won't end this behavior (seems he is not mature enough to be surfing the net!), he doesn't respect your feelings...I'm sure your list goes own list would go on and on...is he just too lazy to leave you or is he having the best of both worlds..reality and fantasy? Perhaps if that is the case, it is time to stir the pot a bit!<P>Just a thought!

I was wondering about that too, and I did asked my H just what it is he wants from me?<BR>It seems that he doesn't understand how abusive, and unreasonable is his behavior, and how hurtful of him is to expect me to live with him continuing friendship with a woman he wrote to love letters only a month ago. It's almost like he can only see his feelings and needs. He actually thinks we can live like that. One more thing I don't understand at all, if he was so in love with her, why is he trying to seduce me all the time? If I was in love with somebody else, I wouldn't let him even touch me.

Welcome <B>dti</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It was chilling reading your words (from your "A Memorial of B e t r a y a l")...<BR>...They hit so close (your H's words) to those of my W(a wayward spouse.) <P>"I'm now thinking that maybe I should, a cyber one at least..."<BR><B>Please DON'T</B>...<BR>It will hurt you so much more than what your H has done... or will do!<P>About counseling...<BR>...<B>start on your own</B>... even if your H won't... I'd suggest that you start with some <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! They can give you the information on what to do... and most importantly... when to "disclose" what you know about your H's affair to him!<P>I know that this is going to be a must...<BR>...sooner or later!<BR>...And will have to be based on <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You may say... how can I be honest... and your H so deceitful...<BR>...you can... and you'll take the <B>high</B> road... and be happiest about it!<P>Do read the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome Message</A>!<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! Definitely... and when you've started on it... then consider the disclosure!<P>You're not alone!<BR>Keep posting!<P> <P>Jim

You all won't believe this, but my H said that writing those love emails is not equivalent to cheating, and he didn't do anything wrong (in his opinion, exchanging love letters is not like having an affair, it's only if you do cyber sex too). Well, to me love is more important than anything else, I could forgive sex easier, but he doesn't understand that. He is now upset with ME, in his opinion, I'm trying to manipulate him. I don't want to be too negative, but I guess this is my last post here, I'm going to do what he did. We will see what will he call 'that' when done to him, 'just friendship' or an affair?