I was wondering if others who are the betrayed find their spouses just continuing with their normal routine like nothing is a miss. My H comes and goes does his thing (whether it is working in the garage which he seems to do whenever I am home, or go out which is most of the other time) but doesn't really act like anything has changed.<P>I asked him how long he expected me to continue like we have been and he said we just need to get it over with. He however, won't make a step in that direction. Last night he went out at 10:30 (coincidence that the OW gets off work at 11) and stumbled in at 1:30 which is earlier than normal. I toldhim that his drinking is slowly killing him and has taken its toll on our marriage. It seems that the majority of the time he spends with OW is when they are drinking or out. <P>I have told him how this makes me feel. Like I am being used. He only replies that they are just friends and I should stop bringing her up and leave her out of it. <P>Again, I am here whining about him not seeing the light but that may come very soon. Reluctantly to say the least I am proceeding with the divorce. I just can't live my life like this anymore. My H does what he wants and what makes him "happy" (I'm not even sure he knows what happy is) while I pay the high price. My lawyer sent me a letter stating that he has asked my H's lawyer for his net worth statement so things are proceeding. <P>I just don't understand how a marriage of nine years can just be over one day when he tells me he doesn't love me anymore. Are people really able to fall out of love this quickly?

bc-how long has the ow been in the picture? Was your marriage a good one before ow entered picture? Have you tried counseling? <BR>I personally ask myself the same ? How can a man fall out of love so quickly? I think the bottle is clouding his mind. I didn't have drinking as a problem in my marriage. I think you should try counseling before you go for the final divorce. That's if you can get your husband to agree. The basis of his relationship with the other woman is based on lies and when he is free to be with her out in the open, I believe that is when he will realize what he has done...

Missy,<P>We have been together for 12 years and married 9. I thought our marriage was a good one ups and downs like everyones. I know that I am not perfect and neither is my H and we had gone thru a stressful period building a house. But to find my H kissing this OW at the neighbors and then him telling me that our marriage had been bad for years really thru me for a loop.<P>I have known about the OW for about 8 months but my H still says they are only friends and she has nothing to do with our marriage etc etc. I tried to get him to go to counseling and he refused saying he doesn't have a problem. I have been going to counseling and my counselor and many people here tell me that the alcohol is the major problem and the OW is just enabling him so he likes to spend time with her.<P>I actually asked him last night that if he were to look into the future six months to a year and we were divorced would he be happy? He said he didn't know. Everytime I have point blank asked him if he wants the divorce he tells me I'm not sure. Well when will he be sure.<P>I hear alot of people saying that after the divorce reality sets in and they find out just what they had and gave up. This OW is still married although not living with her H, has two kids and is a barfly. I just don't see their relationship going anywhere. Even though I know about them and most everyone else in town does too including her H, my H and her still sneak around and act like they are in high school. Why not just own up to what they are doing. They do end up at the same bars but my H says he only runs into her. Give me a break.<P>My one wish is no matter what happens to our marriage is that he finally admits what he is doing and that they are not just friends. Does a friend send a V-day card saying she loves him and wants him. I don't think so.

Emphatically YES!!<BR>He even told me once, that he wants to put it all behind us and start over!! WHAT??!! I am living in my own personal hell, we stopped going to the counselor (not sure why), and he lives each day like all the rest.<BR>I commend your strength, blessed be.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love & Light,<BR>Pep1024

If the OW is enabling his drinking and you're not, shouldn't it be possible to apply an 180 strategy and see what happens? I don't know if you're familiar with it, but Michele Weiner Davis writes about it in the Divorce Busting book (got it a few days ago). <BR>Do a 180 is something you apply when all you're doing now seems to have the opposite effect of what you want to achieve. To me it seems like what you're doing is only pushing your H in the arms of the OW.<P>"Do a 180" is 4 steps:<P>1) Describe what you see as the problem.<BR> Recall what your spouse does that provokes you.<P>2) Assess how you have been handling the problem thus far.<BR> What single approach do you most commonly use to change your spouse's behaviour? (Although you may have tried varied approaches, which is most typical?)<P>3) Do a 180<BR> This step requires a leap of faith and is therefore the most difficult. You must begin doing the opposite of whatever you have been doing and do it in a credible and sincere manner. If your new behavior seems ungenuine, it won't work.<P>4) When your spouse starts changing, stick with this plan.<BR> The worst mistake you can make is to go back to your old habits as soon as you see your spouse starting to act differently. It may be quite tempting to relax, but you must keep up your new behavior until you are convinced that your partner's changes have become habits.<P>I can't really tell you how to apply this, but maybe you can tell your H that you now see that you've been too hard on him and encourage him to go out and have a drink now and then. It seems crazy at first, but DB book describes why it works. Michele Weiner-Davis says that "I can't guarantee that this will work, but I CAN guarantee that if you keep doing what you've been doing, it WILL make things worse". There is an example in the book that resembles yours only that the H spent to much time out with his friends instead of being home.<P>Michele describes the way it in the following way:<BR>"Since relationships are like seesaws, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other is free to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. Spouses often balance each other in this way. When one person's views are extreme, it forces his or her partner to adopt an equally extreme view in the opposite direction."<P>It's like telling your child "I bet you can't clean this room in 10 minutes".<P>scandinavian

I agree with the 180 thing. It actually got some results here.<P>But the alcohol thing is something else. I know you cannot make him do anything about his drinking problem, but have you yourself gone to a AA spouse/family mtg and gotton advice???? I actually think they do a tough love approach. <P>I wonder what he would do if you basically took yourself out of the equation for him by telling him that you love him so much you cannot watch him destroy his life with ETOH, so you can no longer talk to him or see him????<P>Have any family members gotton involved?????