I know a lot of betrayers are suffering from depression, feelings of failure, or feelings of not being loved, and the OP makes them feel better about themselves - any or all of which may have been the case for my H.<P>But what is my H's OW's excuse? She doesn't even have the excuse that she just "happened" to fall in love with a friend or co-worker - she consciously chose to find a MM in the personals. And yes, she knew from the beginning that he was married. What reason would a divorced person have for seeking a MM among the personal ads? Nobody seeking a long-term exclusive relationship would waste their time looking there - they would look in the personals posted by single (or at least supposedly single) men - and there are plenty of ads in that category. If she was looking to avoid commitment, and thought MM were safe, she has done a 180 because she certainly has seemed interested in commitment since shortly after the affair started.<P>The only remaining explanation would be that she finds some kind of perverse pleasure in the challenge of "winning" someone else's husband. I can think of no other explanation - and if that was her reason, then she is truly evil. This could not be explained away as a good person making a bad mistake.<P>

Remember what that lawyer told me? <P>Don't try and figure out insanity - it just is....<P>She odviously was messed up in her head (ie insanity) or who in their right man would ADVERTISE for a married man? DUMB DUMB DUMB<P>You hold your head up Nellie, someone like that could never compare to you.<BR>TNT

Your right Nellie.....if she wasn't looking for a commitment and wasn't so evil....she would have headed for the single men or for that matter a 70 year old man to call "sugar daddy".<P>What are some of these women thinking? How they sleep at night just amazes me. I hope the OW in my stbx's life realizes some day just what her actions have done to innocent peoples lives. Oh...if she only knew the pain she has caused my two little girls....but I think she knows...but just doesn't care. Her H thinks that the affair was nothing and was so carefree about the whole thing. I swear.....he actually told me that "I" needed to keep my H away from his wife. That his wife was just an innocent person in all of this. DUH!!!!!<P>Nancy

Nellie, I think it is two unhealthy people that find each other. Some shrink would probably have some great ideas. The conquest...a power trip...maybe she actually hates men and this is her way to actually punish them, by having power over them to destroy their integrity and lives. <P>The reason I suggest any of the above, is because they have all been suggested to me regarding my H's OP. A few of his family members have met her in the past and have said she has her own agenda...(a few were actually instrumental in my confronting my H)<P>It's utterly amazing the power these women have. My H really thinks she is the greatest woman, so virtuous (yeah, a woman who will carry on an affair while sleeping with her husband every night).. He believes everything she says. <P>He knows his own family, including mom, do not support the affair with her, yet he continues.. We were talking more recently and even had a great spring trip with the kids. We were like the family we had been. He went on a business trip right after this and came back rea;;y deep in the addiction again. <P>I guess if this is what true love is all about....lying, deceit, playing games with your kids emotions....they can have it.<P>I'm outta here.....I don't think I can stay and watch it. I'm going to a place I can get a job, and get some community support like Parents without partners, so my kids don't feel like odd-balls.<P>He knows where I stand...I love him, I am sorry for the needs I didn't meet..(of course I really wish if he were pretending all of our married years that he would have had the courtesy to wait until he was out of the marraige before starting the affair)<P>But I don't have to like what he is doing. I told him I see his pain, that I see he is suffering, but I will have to avoid talking or seeing him while this continues. <P>He has yet to explain anything to the kids. They are so hurt. My five year old asked him why he moved out about 10 times on the phone tonight. He could not answer. <P>If our marraige was so awful and I was so horrible to live with, why is it so hard to tell me the truth. He already said this is not about OP...this is about me!!!! Why can he NOT come clean......This is a man who never lied...who is lying all the time, even to his own family...<P>I t0ld him very calmly that he could simply tell me the truth. I'm not going to do anything with it but to finally know!!!!!<P>I guess you just have to hope that it has been worth it for them for all of the pain it has caused so many people (esp. kids)<P>I would really love to sit down with H, Op and her H and really get the info (lies...) out on the table. I would like to have us all on the same page.....We're all supposedly adults...you would think this could be accomplished. Have any of you tried this???????

TNT,<P>In all the stories I have read on all the boards and all the books, not one unmarried OW said she had purposely sought out a MM for a committed, LTR. Not only would you have to be out of your mind, you would have to be incredibly stupid. <P>I guess I am having trouble coping with the thought that anyone could be that intentionally evil. Of course, she pretends to like our kids, but then restricts their visitation. And there was no good reason to hang up on me when I called (the first time in a year, and I was extremely polite) to tell my H of a change in plans that affected his bringing the kids home - what did she think, that I called to chat?<P>Nancy,<P>Even if she cares nothing about how this affects my kids, which she obviously doesn't, I do not understand how anyone could let a MM move in with them when they have teenage children!<P>I suspect this has something to do with her relationship with her ex-H. I think the most likely scenario is that he cheated on her, and she is somehow revenge.<P>tootrusting,<P>I think you may be right, that she actually hates men - or maybe women. <P>My H actually claimed our children are lucky to have her in their lives.

She sounds incredibly insecure - restricting visitation, and trying to control your husband (ie-can't talk to you). The "honeymoon" can't last forever. It may last a long time - but I would think that sooner or later your husband will see the writing on the wall with her. If he is a conflict avoider, it could be a very very very long time.<P>TNT

Another possible explanation: Envy and Revenge! <BR>She was divorced, and resents seeing happily married people. So by wrecking a marriage, she gets to tell herself all men are bad, all women are bad. Also, by victimizing another woman, she gets to avoid seeing herself as a victim. It's perverse logic, but I guess that's the point.

The OW in my case - I believe - is a 'black widow'. I believe she lost her husband to an online affair and now she does the same to the men she meets. She doesn't care what pain she causes, after all - she has been through it too. It is revenge.<P>The key here is though that 'she' wouldn't find these men if they weren't there looking.

TNT,<P>Unfortunately, he is 50 already, and a very, very long time could last until all of us die of old age.<P>Kenneth,<P>And that is the sort of person whom my children are "lucky to have in their lives?"<P>genesforme,<P>Another vote for revenge, I guess. <P>What a great role model, for her kids and mine!