Hello:<BR>I'm new to this site. I have read alot of helpful tips but I was wondering if I can hear from those who have been betrayed by their spouse as to how they dealt with the loss of the love,comfort, security, friendship, etc.. they felt from their h/w?<P>I truly believe my h is addicted to the ow. It began as a total sexual thing that got carried away. To many details to get into now but trust me when i say she is BAD NEWS. <P>He seems to have lost all his feeling for me. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this. We have been married 12 years and together a total of 19 years. All thru that time, I have always felt so lucky and blessed to have found a man like my husband. He always made me so happy. He was always happy too. <P>My Question is, how can a man just completely turns his feeling off overnight for his wife and not miss the life he once had. We also have 2 wonderful kids that he just adores. How can he walk away from all of this. He left us and moved right in with ow and her kids. Totally against all his morals. This is just not him. <P>What goes thru his mind at night when he is ready to go to sleep? How can he sleep? <P>I worry about him. I am nervous that when and if this blows up in his face he might do something stupid. He has not even begun to feel the effect of this life decision he came to. I have no say in anything either. He wants out of the marriage and wants a life with OW. <P>Your thoughts on this would be so helpful. I feel so down and consumed by all of this that I cannot concentrate on anything anymore. My family keeps telling me to just get over it and move on. What do you think???

Hi Mystic77:<BR>I'm sorry you're going through this.<P>I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.There are many, many people here who will tell you their ws "suddenly" didn't love them anymore. My h's actions fit to a tee, those described in this site in regards to ongoing emrs. He wasn't happy, didn't love me, hadn't loved me, etc. He distanced himself from me and our daughter. And found fault with everything I did.He didn't move out but came very, very close.<P>Read this site twice.You will need the patience of Job.<P>Does he know you love him and want him home?<BR>If you have the opportunity to have this discussion tell him.Don't accuse or start arguements about his current actions.He will just get defensive. It will be HARD.<P>"the grass is only greener, 'cause he's not cutting it yet".<P>WS's have yet to realize the OP are just that.Other people.Not magical, not perfect, not soulmates.Sometimes they just need to be <BR>seen without the rose colored glasses<P>May all your dreams come true<BR>d.

Thanks Darla:<BR>My h knows that I love him. This is the third time he has cheated with same woman. I took him back 2 times already. I think he came back the first 2 times because he was so confused about his love for me plus everyone he knows told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life. People he really respects. We even went to 6 months of counseling and he lied thru the whole thing. He had me fooled but never seemed truly remorseful toward me at all. Even the counselor said he was not ready to be in counseling.<BR>I have tried to keep my distance from him as much as I could because I though he might miss me but that is impossible because our kids are very active in community sports and we both go to all the functions. We don't talk at them but we do see each other. <P>At times I feel like he has a hard time looking at me but then he will say he is 100% confident in his decision. I just don't get this whole thing. I think what I am searching for is closure to all of this. Perhaps a reason why it occurred but no one can give me an answer. Not my h, my counslor or any of my friends and family. It is such a shame that this happened. My H just says it doesn't make sense but he is just drawn to her.<P>Although I know I Love my h, I think my pride would really step in the way of taking him back a third time. What would that say about me as a person? I mean come on, how much can one person take....

Hey I read on another board that Oprah had some "great doctor" on yesterday that talked about adultry. The women on this board were really impressed with him. One thing I do remember them saying was that HE said that a man continues an off again, on again affair when his wife keeps taking him back because she's giving him the message that he CAN have the affair and she'll always be there for him if he changes his mind. I agree with that and I agree with you. That doesn't mean that you just decide to divorce either though or that there isn't any hope. I've seen more marriage succeed when the spouse makes the cheater pay the piper for what they want. Another words, they see actually what life is like without their spouse in the divorced world, then get on with your life and stop the begging for them to come back and that works more often then a lot of other plans.

Mystic77,<P>Well, I didn't realize he had left previously.So why do you think he has returned each time? <P>I don't think he's ever gotten over his withdrawal to concentrate on your marriage.<P>I guess you will have to decide what it is you have to do. Myself, I couldn't wait patiently for something that may never happen.Some people on this site are plan a/bing for a couple of years.<P>Until he is really, really willing to give up this relationship, you will have a difficult time of it.<P>In your position, it's obvious he knows how you feel.You've taken him back twice! I think<BR>maybe you should start concentrating on you and your life.Enjoy your children,get out and meet people, start a new hobby, there's a great big world out there. Take time to look.<BR>And perhaps, when he realizes you just might not always be available, he may begin to doubt this decision he's so sure of. <P>"get over it" seems so harsh, I wouldn't use that phase. Make time for you, and do what you enjoy. You might be surprized by the fun<BR>you may have.<P>Keep you in my prayers,<BR>d<P>

Welcome <B>mystic77</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>It may be hard to believe... but this is your time to grow...<P>Normally I would suggest start in on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and during that time read, post, ask on this forum as much as you can... and you'll learn how to have the best relationship possible.<P>In your case... since he left and came back twice already... and closure through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> might be more in order.<P>Still check out all you can... on the MB sites.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... where you work on you... will help you not spend as much time obsessing!<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited April 19, 2000).]