My husband has been using this site for the past few days and suggested I do the same, so here it goes.<P>We've known each other since '91. We were close friends for 4 years and leaned on each other after bad relationships. The last of mine resulted in him cheating on me and getting the girl pregnant. When I leaned on my friend, he was there for me and didn't judge me. I knew he would always be there for me and thought he would never hurt me and we grew closer. 2 years later we were married.<P>Even before the marriage I had some concerns (mainly money) but thought we were both mature enough to work that out. However, after the wedding things started to change a little. He began lying to me, from the time we got back from the honeymoon. He quit his job without telling me for 3 days and got a job waiting tables while I worked and attended school full-time. He started drinking, smoking, cursing and going out several nights a week. Money became an even bigger issue when I had to quit my full time job (as planned before the marriage) to do my clinicals. I picked up a part time job (waiting tables) to help make ends meet.<P>Basically, without going into extreme detail, I started to feel alone. I put more pressure on myself to keep things going and was tired of always arguing. So, I started giving in. I quit bringing things up. I figured it would get better when I graduated. Then when I got a job in my field. Then when we got a new house. Then when we started a family. It didn't happen that way. <P>Now I'm in graduate school for my masters. We tried for a year for a baby, to no avail. I know this is because the timing wasn't right, but his lack of support on the subject is what really sent me over edge. I felt like I had sacrificed for him for 3.5 years, and the one thing I asked him for he wasn't willing to give me. I also began to feel like I belonged with my classmates, something I hadn't really experienced before, and grew close with one in particular. I began thinking that maybe the goals I had set in my life weren't really what I wanted, and that I had sold myself short by settling all this time.<P>I left my husband March 24, and stayed at my parents for about a week. I am now back at home. He has made steps to change his life and win my trust back, and I can see that. However, when I was leaning on my classmate for support, it went a little further and we kissed. My husband found some email and confronted me. At first I denied it, but I finally admitted to it. So I guess now we are in the same boat. Neither of us can really trust the other, and that's a very difficult position to be in.<P>Not only that, but I don't feel I love him anymore. I have been talking about this to a couple of friends at work for over a year, hoping things would change. They haven't. The scary thing is, when I told my friends I had left him, they all asked what took so long. It was very disconcerting to me that everyone else could see the problem but me.<P>As I said, my husband is making changes for us. He wants to start over and forget everything from the past. We are seeking councilling, and I am going personally as well for depression. I just don't know if this is what I really want anymore.<P>Anyway, this novel's getting a little long. I guess this is a start. If anyone has suggestions/questions I'd like to discuss it.<BR>Thanks!

Welcome <B>AtACrossroad</B>...<P>I recognize you as Fulgore's W...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>... <P>I have been the one who has motly responded to your husband... but am one of many who wish to hare with you the MB concepts. <P>"Neither of us can really trust the other, and that's a very difficult position to be in."... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Trust is the belief that our spouses will be honest with us and will protect our feelings. (page 158 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>) and...Someone unwilling to follow the Rule of Protection is unwilling to protect our feelings. (page 160 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Have you ever read the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>?...<BR>...it is <B>not</B> a hard read...<BR>...and can give you much insight.<P>"Not only that, but I don't feel I love him anymore."...<BR>You might recognize this as on of many "quotes" from waywards... have your thought of any others like ...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Archives/Archive-000001/HTML/19991122-1-003658.html" TARGET=_blank>Famous quotes from betraying spouses</A>.<P>We've told Fulgore... that his efforts at "making changes for us..." are very much hindered by your continued contact with your "classmate"... this <B>very</B> true... and is turing off your receptors to his actions.<P>Depression to can cause your mind to be in a fog... consider seeing a doctor... and if necessary take some medication...<P>Do look through my links in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome Message</A>.<P>You are <B>not</B> alone! There are many waywards here... some who try to rebuild when their supposed "faithful spouses" have given up. Fulgore made mistakes in the past... big ones I bet...<P>If he and you follow down the road to recovery you both will learn about <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...it will eventually get you through the past (and not just cover things up!)<P>Fulgore is trying... he is new to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> and is bound to stumble along the way...<P>After this semester is over...<BR>...can you and your "classmate" take different course... in different seqeuences? Without you separating from this OM... Fulgore's efforts will appear to be feeble... How about giving him a chance?<P> <P>Jim

Atacrossroad,<P>Welcome to Marriage Bulders. You will find everything that you could possibly need on this site. You will find all the heart warming people on here that are willing to help. <P>First, I must say. Your in hell right now. I know that . I have been there. I went through a very hard withdrawal. I am still coming out of it. I was very much in love with my OM. He and I had even went on vacation together for 5 days. Obviously, the best vacation I ever had. I thought he was the world. I also thought I didnt love H anymore to. I was so confused. I just felt like I wanted to be alone. I also thought that maybe if we had a child that would help. Well, Thank God that didnt happen. I hit my knees in Jan (New Years Eve) and put it in Gods hands. He led me straight to this site. i was so messed up. I didnt know what I wanted. All I did know was that I was head over heals for OM. He treated me the way I wanted my dream H to treat me. <BR>I foudn this site. I then confessed to H about teh affair. Of course he was very hurt. I was going in withdrawal. He was going in hell. This house was a wreck here. I told him if he wanted me to leave that was fine. But I felt safe here. And that was where I wanted to stay. So I did just that.<P>Little by littel I would start getting better. I was in a deep deep depression. I wanted OM so bad. but in my hearat I knew H and I were meant to be together. Regardless, of what my friends said. I knew what God said that was all that mattered to me. H realized that he drove me into an affair.<BR>I would see OM and just start all over again. Now I made contact the other day with OM. He was very distant with me. My friend of course says, "You only live once". "Call him if you miss him" Boy, Did I ever look like a fool.Chances are yours is the very same way. They have a way about them. Ask the forum. I never thought my OM would act this way. After all we were running away and getting married and starting a family. YUCK YUCK YUCK! <P>Now, You need to think long and hard about this. I do want you to know there are many people here who have been in your shoes. And they are now happy they chose this route. You will be glad you did as well. If you feel love in your heart for H. Then you need to start the process. You can not start withdrawal with him inyour class. If I were in your shoes. I would be over there taking his clothes off. LOL! That is to hard for you to try that. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE!!!!<P>Read some of my prior post in the read only forum. You will see how I posted here. That is the great thing. We are all here with you for withdrawal. Thank God your H is on here to. I wish Mine was to. <P>God Bless<BR>Renee

I was just checking to see if you had replied. Let me know how your doing. Keep in Touch. You can do it.<P>Renee

Hi inamess!<BR>Haven't been on for a couple of days, but things kind of got bad last night. We had agreed not to talk about things unless both of us wanted to, but last night we fought.<P>I'm at a really weird point right now. Even though I don't feel in love with my H, I feel an obligation to his feelings because we've known each other so long. I know he'll probably read this post, and I've already told him there are things I can't tell him face to face, so maybe I can better say it here and maybe get some other feedback, too.<P>I think I did love him when we married, but when we initially started "dating" it was more that he was safe - I had just found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me 4 months and got the other girl pregnant, and of course I was very hurt. He was there to lean on. It just kind of hit me that he had always been a friend to me, and probably always would. That he wouldn't hurt me like that, so why not give it a shot?<P>I was in college when we got married, with 2 years left. I had one summer off (the summer we got married) before my clinicals, after which I wouldn't get a break for 2 years. That is why we decided to get married when we did. Also, my dad was so strict on the curfew thing (12:30 at 20) that I didn't think I could handle another 2 years of that or that my H and I could wait that long. I wanted to be married. I wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it (be married & finish school). We had everything planned out, but one by one the plans fell through. Now, after 3.5 years, I can't look ahead for us. Everytime I try I see how many arguments we've had. How much I will have to further sacrifice (my school). How hard I will have to regain any feelings toward him.<P>With OM, I see a world of possibilities. He's opened my eyes and mind to things I never would have allowed myself to dream about before. He's made me realize that I can dream again. And I want those dreams now. <P>I know this is long, but I am so confused. Let me know if you can help!<P>Thanks

I am just popping my head in the door and winking at you, sending you a cyber-hug and saying to you that you made it to the right place. We are here for you, and the place that you are in is a tough place, but lots of us have made it through in a more solid piece than what we started with.<P>Hugs to you, welcome, stick around, and God Bless You.<BR>TNT