Last night my W and I were making love, so things aren't going too badly. During the lovemaking I was suddenly overwhelmed with the mental image of her being this way with OM and even had a brief second of pretending to be him and feel what he felt with her. I almost threw up on the spot, but recovered and didn't let my wife know that this happened in my mind. Now today this awful image keeps jumping back into my head. Questions: 1) should I tell my W this happened and/or how it made me feel? 2) do you think that this awful image in my mind will fade anytime soon? 3) is there anything I can do that will help me get this obsessive image out of my mind? 4) is this kind of thing normal or has my pain made me sick?<P>------------------<BR>

Interestingly enough, my h and I just had this discussion. <P>He said you just really have to work on keeping those images out of your head. How long has it been since Discovery day? My H and I didn't resume intimate relations until just recently(d day for us was in jan.). He wanted to resume immediately but the images were to much for him and I. <P>We have made a very consious decision to be very honest, even if it may hurt the other person's feelings. We have to or it is too easy to let things build into a disaster. <P>My H said that to feel so physically sick is very normal. He was physically sick for a while due to all of this. If he cannot handle ML then he will tell me. We are both very considerate to each other that way.<P>the sad part is that this area of our marriage is forever changed. I know that it wouldn't be if I hadn't changed it. But since that is in the past, we have to work at it consiously. Don't hide your feelings. Being honest is the best way toheal all of this pain.<P>Good Luck<BR>Mercy<P>So we talked about what had happened(right in the middle of LM) and made a mutual decision that no sex could be resumed until we were both ready. The images were horrible forboth. I just absolutely refused to use my h that way. <P>He said he still has relapses in this.. but he jsut mentally and forcefull refuses to think about it. <P>

Sadboy,<P>My H & I have been in recovery for over a year. That same type of mental image would pop in my head. At first it was frequent, but it eventually diminished. Now, it is only on occassion.<P>What helped was when that image popped in my head, I would tell my H in a non-Lovebusting way. He would apologize to me and then it helped to make me feel a little better.<P>My H was NOT in love with this OW. I don't know if your wife is in love with OM. But, another thing that my H said was that sex with this OW wasn't the same as making love with someone whom you are in love with.<P>My H was drinking at the time (he is a alcoholic who is dealing with his addiction) and the OW was just some bimbo who enabled it.<P>Now that he is sober, he is seeing clearly and realizes the horrible mistake that he made.<P>Your feelings are normal. Maybe you can discuss with your W, these feelings....and then both of you can come up with some sort of solution on how to deal with it.<P>I'm reading the book, "After the Affair" by Janis Sprig. It is helping me to deal with these weird feelings that I have felt and still feel. If you don't have a copy, maybe you might want to get one.<P>

You'll get better with time. But don't count on those images ever being too far away from rearing their ugly head for a very long time. What you can count on will be many many 'triggers' on TV, movies, things you read, see and hear that will cause those very ugly images to play over and over in your head. Sorry but that's the way it was and is for me and it's been like 2 years since my D day. <BR>The best to you my fellow betrayed.

sadboy, <P>What you experienced is very common. Reestablishing physical intimacy was/is very difficult. Images pop up at the most inappropriate times. Time is a healer thank God. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>1) should I tell my W this happened<BR>and/or how it made me feel?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>IMHO, I say no. There's a time for openess, but this isn't it. If she's willing to reestablish physical intimacy, the last thing you want to do is kill it by telling her how awful it was. Your battle is with your mind. Soon, you will learn to master your thoughts and in time, the images will fade. Your wife is dealing with decisions she made and the hurt she caused you and others. She has a tremendous cross to bear. Exposing your feelings of hurt in this area at this time could cause a set back or worse she could feel that you are unable to really forgive her and can't cope with her transgression. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>2) do you think that this awful image in my mind will fade anytime soon?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>In time. As your love for her grows and her love for you resurfaces, this experience will become a memory you will both want to bury. Scars of the experience will always be there, but they will be reminders of what can happen when we allow complacency to take over in our marriage. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>3) is there anything I can do that will help me get this obsessive image out of my mind?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I wish there was. Fill your mind with new memories and new thoughts of what you want your marriage to be. It's more of a process of regaining control of your mind. Your wife is making love to you again. Most of the folks here would give their right arm to get to that point in recovery. Reflect of your accomplishments at restoring intimacy in your marriage. You've done well and things will get better.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>4) is this kind of thing normal or has my pain made me sick?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes it's normal. It hurts beyond anything we ever thought we would have to face in our life. This is a life altering event for all involved. Character is strenghtened in adversity. <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

I agree with SHA. I wouldn't say anything either. I know my wife's big concern about resuming ML was whether or not she could keep the images of OM out of her head. <P>It's been 6 months since D-day, 4 months since we resumed ML. She's still in an EA with the OM, but I think PA has gradually diminished. This is what keeps any images alive for us. When EA/PA are over, I'm sure the images will fade.<P>So far, she's not indicated images of the OM being a major problem for her during ML. She was also very concerned about my having the same problem. Honestly, the thought had crossed my mind, more at first, but now very rarely in the bedroom; I tend to run on on "autopilot" anyway and I am able to tune out almost all negative thoughts.<P>One thing that helped was reading "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. My primary love language is "physical touch" (sexual and non-sexual). My wife's primary love language is "acts of service". <P>I asked my wife what would have hurt her most if our situation was reversed. She told me freely giving away her primary love language, her main way of communicating love to me, as a whole package, would hurt the most. Details, such as caring how OW's day went, helping OW with her problems, making her dinner weren't forgotten, but weren't as important to her. <P>I told her that for me, giving away physical affection to the OM was what hurt the most. I wasn't especially bothered by the details regarding how she gave it away. It went beyond just the sex. I realized I didn't like the idea of back rubs, hand holding or a kiss on the cheek or any physical contact. She'd given away something more precious; my most important way for me to communicate my love to her.<P>I think that's helped us both to see that while you know the details occurred, it's the overall violation of a concept that really hurts. Keeps things in perspective. <P>Certainly, both our wives have lied to us. Do you feel that any individual lie is really any more important than the fact that lying in general took place? You probably don't think back on any one particular lie. If you can, maybe you could just think of it as her giving away physical affection in general. Try not to dwell on a specific way.<P>I'm sorry this took so long to spit out, but I hope maybe you can see where we went with this and I hope it may help you.<P>

I am the betrayed. It has been almost two months since discovery. Brief PA has been over for nine months. Just some background info...<P>My experience is this: I ALWAYS have mental images when we make love (which is surprisingly often). I hate it and feel used, cheap, inferior, you name it, when I DON'T tell my H how I am feeling/thinking. When I DO tell him, he is able to be supportive, loving, and to tell me how great it is with me - all of which make me feel better - and make the sex the best, the most intimate we have ever had. Believe it or not! It is hard for him to talk about it, but he is very happy with the rewards! He would much rather be with a responsive woman than a bitter dead fish. <P>That is just us and I don't know if it would work that way for you. I just know that it is awful to feel alone in my pain and when he shoulders it with me it is bearable. Don't know how your W would respond. <P>I am so sorry for your pain and anguish. If I had a miracle cure for erasing junk from your mind, I would zap it right on over to you!

I slept on the couch last night, so my advice in the previous post isn't 100%. Thought you should know.