I have been married for 4 1/2 years I have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy. Recently I have had an affair with a coworker. I am think of leaving my wife for this coworker because I feel that this person can make me happier and does love me more than my wife. We are currently on the rocks and falling fast. I dont know what I should do. I love my child and dont want to lose him, but I am completely unsure if My wife and I will ever work out even if we try. By the way she does not know about the coworker. should I tell her at a good risk of losing my son, and everything I worked for. Just to be happy?<BR>

Crazy,<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders! <P>About your post, have you read any of the info on the website? If you haven't, go do it now. You will get so much info from here. You will find out that you are in the middle of something that is described as being like an addiction. The only reason your marriage looks so bad right now is because you are having an affair. <P>The best advice I can give you is to cut off contact completely with the OW and try to rebuild your marriage. Think about how many lives will be affected if you leave. In my case, it was me and 3 sons, (my H left), and not to mention his extended family and mine. It's not worth it to leave for someone else.<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Crazy,<P>No....don't leave your W.....for the OW. What you and the OW have is a fantasy, not reality.....<P>Focus on your W.....with a 5 month old, she needs your support.....the first child can be a real rollercoaster for the mother....I was working 10 plus hour days then coming home and had to take over with the baby....it completely overwhelmed my W.<P>Work on the marriage....if it can't be fixed, leave for thoses reasons....not another woman....that's the easy way out....you get to avoid confronting all the issues....<P>And think of this....how are you going to explain the affair to your son when he gets old enough to understand what happened?<P>I wish I had more time....please take the time and look at the information here....and end the affair NOW! Do it for your W and your son and for your dignity!!!!<P>Hey...the folks here will be here for you....<P>Hang in There!!!!

But I honestly am confused if my wife could ever make me as happy as I want to be, or deserve to be. But I also dont want to lose my son. So its not all about the OW but about my own doubts and insecurities.

Serious help is needed! You are right! <P>While you are in your affair with your co-worker, it is impossible to judge whether your marriage can make you happy. It is just impossible to make that kind of decision! No wonder you feel so desperate!<P>One thing they have learned about affairs, is that there were valid emotional needs that were not being met by your spouse.<P>If I could guarantee to you that your marriage could be happy, and that you would be completely fulfilled by your wife, would you want your marriage to work? <P>Well, I think I can make that guarantee if you and your wife learn how to meet each others emotional needs. But she can't even begin to do that until she learns, and even if she learns - while you are seeing the co-worker - she will be defeated if she tries, because you are having the co-worker meet your needs.<P>So, my suggestion to you is to end contact with your co-worker, and start learning about your needs. This site has wonderful information about emotional needs and lovebusters.<P>When you have a new baby in the house, it is very easy to spend all of your energy in meeting this little persons' needs, and our husband's get short changed. This leaves you vulnerable, and it is no surprise that a co-worker was able to fill those needs, and you feel like your wife NEVER can make you happy and only the co-worker can make you happy.<P>Your wife CAN make you happy. It is a proven fact. In fact, with the techniques developed by Dr. Harley - there is a 90% success rate of happy marriages, compared to traditional marriage therapy. <P>With 90% odds of having a happy marriage, it sure seems like something to try.<P>Speaking of percentages, think of this: 2nd marriages have a 60-65% divorce rate. That gives you only a 40% to 45% chance of a happy life with your co-worker. <P>Also, 2nd and 3rd, 4th etc. marriages that are a result of affairs - only have a 3% chance of surviving. This is because affairs are wild and passionate, but they lack foundation. <P>Good luck, and I encourage you to learn all you can and keep posting. Beware - you may get attacked for continuing your affair, but take the punches in stride and learn because your entire future, and your child's future depend up on it.<P>TNT

First of all, Welcome! You've come to the right place. Please look over all the materials on this website before making a decision.<P>Just the fact that you came to this website tells me that you are considering saving your marriage.<P>Some specific things that you should look at and think about before making your decision is the feelings you have for your wife and family. Right now you are not thinking clearly because your wife has not been meeting your needs, and this co-worker has taken up the slack. If you do not get to the root of the problem between you and your wife, the same issues will most likely show up in this new relationship.<P>So you really want to throw away the last 4 1/2 years of your life, not to mention your son for a new relationship that is making you happy right now? What's going to happen in a few years? <P>I'm sure NSR will come along soon and give you some great advice, but until then, please look at the 10 most common emotional needs:<BR>1.Affection<BR>2.Sexual Fulfillment<BR>3.Conversation<BR>4.Recreational Companionship<BR>5.Honesty and Openness<BR>6.An Attractive Spouse<BR>7.Financial Support<BR>8.Domestic Support<BR>9.Family Commitment<BR>10.Admiration<P>You will find that your top 5 will most likely be needs that you wife gave you at one point in your marriage, but that you are not receiving now.<P>You MUST read the book by Dr. Harley, His Needs/Her Needs - either look at some of the information Dr. Harley has posted under "concepts", or look at the explanations in the "book store". I realize you want a quick decision (which you really can't make right now), so read over the concepts on this website first.<P>You say you have a 5 month old son. Please keep in mind that your wife has gone through some serious changes in her life starting with the pregnancy. The first 2 years of a babies life is not only the most important to the baby itself, but also the hardest on the mother. If your wife is working, she's got daycare/babysitting to worry about, juggling career and motherhood, and BIG TIME increased demands on her time. If she is at home, she still has all these demands on her time plus household duties. In any case, I bet she's not getting any sleep! I went through 2 pregnancies, even though they were 2 years apart, I did not get more than 3 hours of sleep for 4 years! That was on top of giving up my career, feeling like I wasn't contributing since I had no income, working my a** off all the time keeping the house clean and caring for the children, nursing, etc. I'm a pretty organized person, but I nearly lost it!<P>Anyway, should you tell your wife? At some point, yes. Honest is very important! You two definately need counseling in order to put your lives together back into shape. During this time YOU MUST stop all contact with the other woman. Two's company, three's a crowd. You will never get your marriage back on track if the other woman stays in the picture.<P>I know I've given you a lot of stuff to think about, but the point of this website is to keep marriages together. This is going to take a lot of time and hard work between the two of you, but if you work together, your marriage will come out better than what you started with! <BR>

crazy:<P>Let's turn this around. How happy do YOU make your wife??? It works both ways. How "happy" do you deserve to be??? Do you think happiness and love come without work??<P>You need to do some work (so does your wife, but you're the one here). You're already at great risk for losing your son---you're in a unhappy marriage. It's unlikely that you will receive physical custody should you divorce. <P>So, you worry about your son. You need to stay in the marriage. But I don't advise you to stay in a miserable, crappy, painful marriage. I'd suggest that you make your marriage terrific, solid, and loving---an example to your son. The information in this web site is tremendous, and I'd suggest that you take a short cut and call Steve Harley here at Marriage Builders (888-639-1639) for telephone counseling. You should start first. He'll be able to help you through the process of recovering your marriage, and having a great relationship.<P>Your coworker is making you happier, and she may love you more than your wife does. Right now. At this point in time. Love is not unconditional---it's CONDITIONAL---and the two of you are meeting those conditions. The same way you and your wife met those conditions when you first met. If you continue with your OW, you will find that your lack of relationship skills will doom your relationship with her---in a few years, you'll be just as miserable (or moreso) than you are now. You need to learn the skills to have a successful marriage. A marriage is a job, it takes effort. But it can be tremendously rewarding. Get started on this skill building with Steve.<P>

Crazy,<P>Do this simple exercise:<P>1. Hold your hand up with your palm facing your forehead.<P>2. Vigorously administer dope slaps until you begin coming to your senses.<P>Look at your posts:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>I am think of leaving my wife for this coworker because I feel that this person can make me happier and does love me more than my wife. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And this:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>But I honestly am confused if my wife could ever make me as happy as I want to be, or deserve to be. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Pardon me for being blunt, but this is just self-serving, self-absorbed, self-indulgent, immature whining. Pure self-justification. Geez!!<P>Grow up! If there are problems with your marriage then get busy fixing them. From what little you have posted so far you don't sound like a prince yourself.<P>If you came here expecting someone to say <I>"Well, YOUR case is different. Go for it - abandon your wife and child because the OW sounds like a lot more fun"</I> - then you really are crazy.<P>If you are serious about making a wise decision, and THAT is why you came here, then I commend you for the effort. Buckle your seat belt because it is going to be a bumpy ride. Invest a few hours reading posts here. Try to comprehend the damage you will be doing to your wife and child and the moral shallowness of your present course. Learn from the mistakes of others.<P>Keep an open mind. But I can warn you - you aren't going to find much support for leaving your wife. You will find a LOT of support for turning your marriage around and finding in it whatever you <I>think</I> you have found in this other relationship.<P><B>You, sir, are about to find out what kind of person you really are.</B> I hope you can be proud of what you find.<P>------------------<BR>But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.<BR>Galatians 5:22-23

Hey Crazy,<P>Let's just say you dump your wife and child because she isn't making you "as happy as you deserve to be". <P>Now, a few years down the road your OW has a baby by you and starts focussing most of her attention on the new youngster. What are you going to do then? Have another affair because you "deserve to be happy"?<P>The bottom line is this: it's your responsibility to make yourself happy, don't blame your wife. She has one "real" baby to deal with, she doesn't have time to take care of every little need of yours. <P>Be a good father. <BR>Be a good husband. <BR>Be an adult. <P>Or, be a jerk. It's your choice.<P>Sincerely,<BR>Kenneth

Hey, Crazy.<P>Hang in there! Take a deep breath. <P>Folks never have an affair because everything is all right with them. There is a problem in your marriage, but having the affair and following the coworker isn't going to help you. <P>Read all you can about affairs before you decide to do anything like leaving or divorcing your wife.<P>You'll see that an affair is a fantasy. It is a wonderful relationship where the other person (OP) doesn't do anything wrong and is always there for you.<P>Real life isn't like that.<P>Your coworker will have PMS and morning breath and bad days and every other bad thing you see in your wife. Right now you don't see her at her bad times. The worst so far seems pretty good, right? It will change. If you marry her and start a family, she will be harried after staying up all night with a colicky baby and she will have had a rough day dealing with poopy diapers and spit up. <P>You say you're not sure if it will work out with your wife even if you try. You're right: you will never know UNTIL you try.<P>Take a break from the other woman (OW). Do whatever it takes to not see her at all. You will probably go into withdrawal because you will miss the feelings associated with her, but until you can clear your head you can't make a rational decision about her or about your wife.<P>Cool it with the OW and really TRY with your wife. See the rest of this site for ways to try. You need to give your wife the opportunity to meet your needs (while meeting hers) before you chuck it all for another woman.<P>Good luck! --HBC

Crazy:<P>My father had affairs off and on for the entire time I lived at home. Strangely enough, my mother either didn't know or acted as if she didn't know. We kids did. As a child, daddy's flings/affairs/whatever seemed not like a wrong against my mother rather a kind of wrong that was perpetrated on the whole of our family. I felt as if he had cheated on me. I had felt abandoned. I became suspicous of the words and deeds of grown men. <P>I don't want to upset you - but- by doing what you had done you have in some way already lost that beautiful little boy. That little one may someday think about how Daddy prefered to stay at work with a co-worker rather than to have come home to him. Those sorts of thoughts stick. Mine sure did. <P>I am not saying that you should stay in whatever version of marriage you've got going on for your kid. I am saying that for that child, if for no one else, you need to give the commitment you made 5 years ago the old college try. Infidelity has victims - the children.<P>oak

And another thing....don't think that if you fight for custody that it will prove to your son one day that you didn't leave him....you left his mother. That is one of the most hurtful things you can do. <P>When you had your affair...not only didn't you have your wife in mind.....you didn't have your son in mind. Be thankful that he is young enough to not that anything is happening. Children are very perceptive and a lot smarter than many give them credit for.<P>Work on your marriage. Your wife and your son are worth it....and so are you for that matter.<P>Affairs hurt innocent people.<BR>Affairs destroy marriages<BR>Affairs are a fantasy that die and in the mean time "kill" the souls of people who love you.<P>Work on your marriage.....<P>