My W and I have had our 3rd counseling session and she's been reluctant to go to all 3. This past week our D left for a class trip to D.C. and this would leave some time for us to be able to talk...We went to the counselor Tuesday and it seemed to me that a emphasis was placed on my W to try and tell what she wanted out of counseling in regard to our current situation. My W wanted to really talk about past stuff that she feels led to our problems and the "reason" she had an A. (Not necessarily to make our marriage better, but to place blame)...The counselor made some suggestions for both of us to do and W agreed.<P>Wednesday another story...W called from work around 5 to say she had to work late...How late? She didn't come home that night...this was pre-planned. (Note: it has been 1 year since her A with OM). Talked with her last night and asked if she wanted to talk about Wed. She said no, so I just told her that it had concerned me because I did not know if she had been in a wreck, etc...and dropped the subject.<P>Now she does not want to continue counseling. She says that it doesn't seem that the C is helping us...She says that she already knows everything the C is telling us, etc. So I may have done a LB...I asked her if she wants our marriage or just doesn't want a divorce (She had said that the only reason she was going to counseling is because she didn't believe in divorce) <P>I haven't called the counselor yet, because W is suppose to call me to let me know if she wants me to cancel next appointment or not. I'm in total confussion...definately depressed...and scared...<P>Should I keep the session and hope wife goes? Should I "urge" W to go to next session and if she wants to cancel there we can?<BR>I think that the counselor may make the decission for us if she feels that W is still actively pursuing OM and the A.<P>Keep us in your prayers and give any suggestions...but truthfully, I am getting tired of trying and getting walked all over.

Ed:<P>Don't give up.<P>How do you like the counselor? If you're happy with her, then why don't you keep the appointment and keep the offer open for your wife to join you? I wouldn't push too hard, but I wouldn't close the door on counseling either.<P>If the counselor insists that either both of you or neither of you come to counseling, then this may not be the right person for you. And if she would end your counseling sessions because she thinks your W is still pursuing OM, I would say she definitely isn't right. When would someone need counseling more? Maybe a different person face to face or phone counseling with one of the Harleys would help. Think about options.<P>Being loving and avoiding love busters doesn't mean getting walked on. Remember Dr. Harley's basic principles, including the three stages of marriage, Intimacy, Conflict, and Withdrawal. While you want to get to a state of intimacy, you might have to get into the state of conflict before you can. Withdrawal isn't helpful.<P>It's okay to be depressed and scared. We all are--or have been very recently. This is a scary situation. But you're not alone. Just knowing that other people hear you and care about what happens really helps me cope sometimes.<P>You're going to get through this, Ed. Just hang on tight; it's a rough ride.<P>Best of everything. --HBC