Help! I am going into week three since I found out about my H affair. The day after I confronted him I found out this was not the first. Once I found that out I told him to leave our home. I realize now this was a huge mistake. I want to save my marriage but he is now staying with the OW. We talk every day and our conversations our usually pretty good. He has told me repeatedly that he does not love me anymore and this is what he wants right now. I am trying very hard to avoid any LoveBusters and I think I am doing a pretty good job. Early this week he was very receptive towards me but I think that had something to do with the fact he wasn't seeing her much. Now last night they were out together and he has that same distant attitude again. It's driving me crazy! He plans on moving into his own place on June 1 and I think this will help me because he won't be with her at the end of each night. Until then, though, I feel like it's a lost cause because no matter what I do she is the last woman he sees at night and the first one he sees in the morning. He doesn't want to move back home and I don't know how to deal with the fact he is with her day in and day out. I am finding this incredibly hard right now and need advice. Is there a way to keep working on this even when he's with her?

Molli,<BR>You sound like you already know how to do this. You are doing plan A....you are keeping the lines of communication open.....<P>Do you have a time frame? How long are you willing to do this before your love bank is completely empty?<P>I am not telling you to have a time limit....but for yourself.....you need to continue doing things for yourself.<P>Do you have any children?<P>Please keep in mind that sometimes the wayward spouse says some things that may not be true....or may not be so nice. Remember that they have an addiction...to the OP.<P>Take care of yourself....I know...easy to say, but sometimes hard to do. But try. One counselor of mine told me to things with my hands.....something about the fact that you can't think about all of this stuff it you are cross-stitching, sewing or doing intricate (sp?) stuff. I found that to be true.<P>Please help with more info.....<P>You have picked a wonderful place to come to. They have helped me in so many ways that I can never repay them....<P>Nancy

Molli,<P>I just wanted to stop in and give you a big (((((HUG))))). I know right now you could use them. I know I welcomed them when I was where you are.<P>Please know that you are not alone. We are all here to help. Just keep doing your plan A and remember that it's all done in baby steps. You will get thru this! <P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Molli,<BR>You'll find a lot of warm, caring people on this site, with lots of encouragement. Read everything possible on this website, it is a Godsend. Especially stuff on Plan A, because that sounds like where you want to be.<P>If you haven't read Surviving An Affair, ( <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html</A> ) written by the Harleys, get a copy quick and read it. It will help you immensely. Another good book to read is Torn Asunder. <P>Your H is living in fantasy land. His head is in a fog, which WILL lift, which is why it is important for you to do a solid Plan A NOW so that when it does lift, he will have positive feelings about you. <P>There are many here I am sorry to say that are in exactly the same predicament as you are. This forum has been a tremendous help to many. When you are angry and need to vent, come here and let it all out, so you don't at your H. And yes, there is a way to work on your marriage while you are separated. Plan A, and lots of prayer. <P>I'll be praying for you Molli.<P>AW<P> <BR>

Molly<P>As was said above, you have come to a wonderful, warm, and caring place. Please use it to read about what might go on in your situation, vent here to keep from Lbing, and post here to draw support compassion and prayers from everyone here. Do read as much as you can and read SAA.<P>Remember two things...these two things help me tremendously and they apply if you truly love your spouse and want him back.<P>1) Almost ( and I heard a figure of 95% from Dr. Harley) all affairs die because they are based on lies and deceit. Some take longer than others and all are a little different but almost all die. You need to be prepared for a long Plan A if you can.<P>2) Time is on your side. Find out your H's emotional needs and do a great Plan A on two or three of the top ones. Its hard to do it when he is not in the home but it can be done...you have to be creative. Time becomes your friend because it takes time to for him to get beyond the initial passion of the affair to figure out that she has a lot of faults just like everyone. So use the time to do the best Plan A on the top EN's. The odds are on your side that the A will die and you need to be in the best position possible at that time to make him want to come back to you.<P>Read about the success stores here...there are a lot of them and post often it helps.<P>Love and prayers<P>J W

Molli,<BR>I am so sorry you are going through this. I have not been in your exact situation, though my husband did have an affair too. <BR>But, in reading your post some things jumped out at me... She is the last person he sees at night and the first one in the morning. Of course, you wish he was home with you, BUT, if you can find a positive here maybe it is this... He is getting the chance to see her in the real world sense. From what I understand, the fantasy is fed by a distorted sense of reality about the OP. Maybe this will be the catalyst that brings him home to you. <BR>I applaud your effort to keep doing the Plan A. You can definitely still be working on this while he is not home. He still wants to talk to you, so you still have that influence. I hope for you that every situation works to your advantage. Maybe you can go on a "date" with him. Turn the tables so that the romance can be brought out in YOUR relationship. And remember, when he wakes up with her every morning... it is HER morning breath he smells! <BR>I wish you all the best.