I know. That's not much in the spirit of the season. But, some people in my family know of my H's affair that I did not want to know. Those I told were begged to keep it confidential and did not. Once again, I am reminded not to trust...<BR>Anyway, these people (close family) are in from out of town and calling for my family to come visit. I will also see all of these people at church on Sunday. <BR>I am barely surviving here and really don't want to have to deal with more humiliation, though I know that no one will mention the affair. I know they will all be thinking about it. Thinking that I am not woman enough to keep my husband and what a dysfunctional family we have. True and true, but I don't want to see it in their faces. <BR>How do I avoid this embarrassment without causing a rift in the family? I love my family (those I told initially) and don't want to be the source of unhappiness at Easter. What do I do?

Hi Dead Inside -<P>First off - let me give you some BIG HUGS!!! You sound so down and sad....<P>Secondly....whoa!! Hold up on the "not woman enough" talk!!! Your husband's having an affair has nothing to do with how much of a woman you are!!! I know that you feel discouraged and your self-esteem may be low, but that is only because you are hurting so much. If you keep thinking like that - you will ALLOW H's actions to push you into choosing not to be all that you can be. <P>It is not your responsibility to be humiliated - that falls on your H!! HE is the one who chose badly....who did something that he should feel shame about - NOT YOU!!! <BR> <BR>Look around these boards...look at society today....see all the couples this affair business is affecting? Does that mean that we are all not "woman" or "man" enough for our spouses? Just what exactly were we supposed to do to be "enough" anyway? <P>I foolishly started this reply without looking up your story and refreshing my memory...I am sorry. Even though I am not up on the particulars, I do know that whenever someone has an affair it is because of THEIR OWN NEEDS. Our part in it is that we need to learn about "needs" and how important they are and what to do to best fill them for the people we love. Since you are here - I hope I can assume that you are learning that!! NONE of us are taught this...none of us are born with this knowledge!! ALL of us are fortunate to have discovered this, though!!<P>So, do not feel ashamed or unworthy in any way!! In fact, you should feel very proud of yourself - you care enough to be here bettering yourself and hopefully your marriage!!! How many people just take the easy route and run away instead of stand, learn, grow and fight for their marriages? <P>If these relatives are the type to look down their noses at you in such a way, then all I can say is that they are neither very caring people nor are they very wise!! Perhaps you are apprehensive for nothing...perhaps they admire your fortitude in this nightmare.<P>Either way, they will never know what it is like unless they have been here!! What does their opinion really mean if they don't have a clue? <P>I personally am very proud that a fellow human being is taking a bad situation and learning from it rather than the selfish easy way out!!!<P>H made a bad choice....PERIOD!!!<P>It is what you both do about it to become better people with a wonderful marriage that really matters. Then - just think how those relatives will envy the belief that you have in yourself, your values and your strength!!!<P>Even if a marriage doesn't work out in the end....all of us that try are best can look in the mirror and be proud that we did all that we could. <P>So, please....put on your Easter Bonnet and hold your head high!!! Everyone has had problems in their lives and to worry about other's opinions on yours is just bringing more pain onto yourself that you don't need!!! WHO CARES what they think...if they are truly good people than they will help you, even if it's just being kind. <P>Do not miss the love and comfort of being with family.....even if all of them may not be as loving as they should. One person's comfort can negate 10 people's pettiness!!!! Especially on the Lord's resurrection Day!!!!<P>DO NOT AVOID....that is a very bad habit to fall into!!! Strength is to be found in facing things head on!! The reward is that usually the reality is much better than the "thoughts" we imagine in our heads.<P>BIG HUGS, PRAYERS and STRENGTH to you,<P>Sheba

Don't cut yourself off from family. That some betrayed your confidence is sad, but it's human nature. It's easy to turn the spouses betrayal into a reflection on your own "woman enough" doubts, but it's mroe a sign of his/her own lack of character, not your attractiveness or worth. I know I'm in this boat becasue I neglected my H's needs, and I feel there's something lacking in me that he finds OW more interesting, so I understand the self-doubts.<P>We've gone to Easter services at our church (we have a few and our kids school gave us Good Friday off to attend, and so we were able to go to Holy Thursday services as well.)<P>I reconnected with something larger and older than our marriage and our century. Something eternal. Our faith. The family is also larger and more long-lasting than the crises we face in spouses infidelity. Go, be gracious, have a lovely time, ask all the relatives questions about their lives. Be a decent person. They will see your dignity and strength and give you support. Bless you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Don't know if this will help, but I will visit my in-laws tomorrow for Easter while W is visiting her sister out of town. She had the EA and we are separating within the next few weeks. While I fully expect them to support their sister, they have been very warm and receptive to me. We will likely not talk at all about what's happening (I sure won't volunteer anything) but it's really good to know that they don't think of me poorly for "hurting" their sister. The bonds of family (even in-laws) sometimes run much deeper than we allow ourselves to admit. I love them all dearly as though they were my own blood. If you have always enjoyed them before, I would suggest you behave as you have in the past. Enjoy your visit with them and make the most of your time together. In my case, it may be my last.