Please help!!!!<P>If you have read my wifes post on here,(ATACrossroads:On My Own), you will get an idea of the pain I am feeling right now. I am totaly lost right now. I don't know whether to cry, yell, scream, or anything!!!!! We had lunch together today after church and I started crying in the restaraunt because I read her post for the first time this morning when I got on here. It is so hard for me to realize that she felt that way for so long and did not let me know. She says she tried to, but if she even came close to the wake-up call she has just recently given me, there is NO WAY I would have let it get this far. She WAS, IS, and ALWAYS WILL BE the love of my life, that is why I asked her to marry me. I would have never kept doing things to hurt her that bad if I had seen the extent of the hurt. And to hear her say that she isn't sure why she married me in the first place is almost more than I can handle. She says she DID love me when got married, but then she says in her post that she was just settleing because I was just SAFE to be with.<P>Believe me, I am not justifying my screw-ups in this marriage. I am mostly responsible for most of this, but I am working harder at making this marriage work than anything I have ever worked for in my life. This is the most important thing in my life right now, and to see that my wife is just about to give up on this marriage, and that she is not willing to sacrifice anything else to try to make it work, well I can't put into words how painful that is.<P>I am trying very hard to count my blessings. At least my wife is at home. I know that there are many others who's wifes have left. At least we are in marriage counceling together. Some couldn't drag thier spouses to couceling. I am trying to put good outlooks on these and a couple of other things, But it gets SO HARD TO TRY TO STAY POSSITIVE!!!! I keep rationalizing that if she REALLY wanted out she would leave and not concern herself with my feelings. She says that isn't true because she still considers me a FRIEND. A FRIEND!!! That's what she considered me for the first 4 years of our relationship while I was head-over-heals for her.<P>I am willing to wait for her to sort her personal problems out, and I know that this may take a while. I am in this for the long haul. DIVORCE is not an option for me. Unfortunately this doesn't seem to be the case for my wife. She is still in the phase of finding everything negitive from our marrige to find a way out. Even going back to our dating looking for reasons to get out, saying that every little argument is cause for leaving. She says she is not to the point yet to try to see all of the good things and good times that we have had over the past 9 years.<P>If anyone can help and show me that the way she feels is maybe temporary, please do. I need all the support I can get!!!!!<P>And to my wife,(because I know she will read this). Please know that I love you with all of my heart. I never meant to do ANYTHING to hurt you. Please look deep in your heart for ways we can make this work. Again, I love you.<P>

I am the betrayed. Our situations are similar, only opposite spouse is betrayer. I too made many mistakes and am correcting all I can with H in his own apartment. He is pushing hard for D. I found out about the OW Feb. 13,2000. He insists he'll never be back. However, sheds tears over fear of losing me as his best friend. I am standing on God's word and want only God's will in my life.<BR><P><BR>H is still attending church, not 'ours', but says is trying...<BR><P><BR>I'll pray for your situation. Remember, our life on earth is very temporal. The best is yet to come.<BR><P><BR>Committed<P>------------------<BR>Committed

HI Pal,<BR> Listen, hang in there. I KNOW YOUR PAIN. Worst Pain I've EVER felt!! <P>BUT...... You have some good things going for you.<P> YOUR WIFE IS AT HOME. THAT'S GOOD. <BR> Whether she realizes it or not, she's made a choice to TRY and save your Marriage because she's IS going to counseling with you. <P> DEEP in her heart she sees Divorce as a failure and she seems not to want that.<BR> <P> She's confused that's hopeful. BUT you have to understand that you DID hurt her AND these layers of pain need to be peeled away SLOWLY like taking a bandage of a VERY sore wound. If you pull it to fast,you tear the scab of healing that may be there. MORE pain, MORE bleeding.<P> She's probably thinking (With good reason) that this is an ACT, a TRICK, a TEMPORARY change and that you have "Grown too far apart" <BR> <P> On the other hand, she was given a little strength and hope by OM because while you were ignoring her and "Playing with your little friend" She tried to get your attention. She got her nails done. You said "Oh Nice, what's for dinner?" So all the work she went though to make her "Nails" beautiful for YOU, went unnoticed and unappreciated.<BR> HEY, BEEN THERE!! I KNOW I didn't have ANY IDEA SHE DID IT FOR ME EITHER!!!!! <BR> <BR> Meanwhile, OM was saying "OH, you have such BEAUTIFUL nails" "You are special" "You are WORTHWHILE" "You can DO ANYTHING you put your mind too" "You are SO beautiful" "You (fill in the blank)" <BR> THESE WERE THINGS SHE NEEDED FROM YOU!!!<P> OK, so you know where you went wrong, sorry to pour salt in the wounds.<P> YOU GUYS CAN FIX THIS!!!!! YOU GUYS CAN GET TO A GREAT PLACE IN YOUR MARRIAGE!! HAVE KIDS, WHATEVER YOU WANT!!<P> Your Wife, has lost hope for this. It happens. It doesn't mean tomorrow that God won't soften her heart to you again. But probably, not tomorrow or next week. It will take:<BR> THE SAME PATIENCE AND LOVE and FORGIVENESS YOUR WIFE HAS BEEN SHOWING YOU WHILE YOOOUUUU IGNORED IT FOR YEARS!! Sorry, but I'm sure your W did everything but raise a flag on the front lawn to get you're attention. (NO ONE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME ABOUT THAT!! )<BR> During that time SHE WAS WEAK AND HURTING AND LONELY!! <BR> She has built a wall around all this pain. Unfortunately, OM was passing her the nails and holding the ladder. <BR> Well, I've beat us up enough, CALL STEVE HARLEY, most have said that SOME counselors can make this worse, Harley's principals are about 90% AND you can do it on the PHONE!!! <BR> <BR> It's a little easier when you don't have LOOK at someone maybe?<BR> DON'T WORRY I'M JUST HOLDING DOWN THE FORT THE BOARD IS SLOW ON THE WEEKENDS. THE CALVARY IS ON THE WAY!!! <P>GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<BR><P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

I am the betrayer in my marriage and when I first read started reading your post, I thought it was my H. Your wife and I sound very similar in our views. <P>My H asked me why I never came to him and told him I was miserable. My response was I did, several times. I would tell him I'm lonely, I'm unhappy, I would suggest doing things...but my words fell on deaf ears. I put up with indifference and a lot of verbal abuse for a long time. I had an EA and when my H discovered that he was maniac. He told me I blind sided him. Now that the truth is out and we have tried counseling and talking, I know that it just isn't going to work. I am not involved with the OM, but the thought of going back to what I had before is impossible for me. My H claims he has changed, but I know he has not. In a few months we would be right back where we started. I think for us, I just grew in a different direction. <P>I hope things work out for you. I know how hard it is...I bet your wife is struggling too. I don't know your whole story, but if I can help, please don't hesitate...hang in there.<P>LS

I don't know how to tell you to cope with this, but I can offer some reassurance.<P>These things your wife is saying and feeling right now are typical! That is good news! <P>Why?<P>Because it shows that this is a typical affair. And, "typical" means that it is a fantasy that poisons their perception of you, your past, your marriage, your current outcome, etc.... but, that 'typically' it won't last! They get their minds back! They are amazed at the things they said while in their (coined phrase here Bad Brain Period!<P>Keep on loving your wife, and put another measure notch on your stick that measures smaller increments, and DO NOT LOVEBUST, and if reading her posts causes you to feel deflated, don't read them! <P>Meet every need you can imagine she has! You will have your life back, it will be sooner than you think. It is a tough ride, but we will get through it. You will see success. <P>TNT<BR>

To everyone:<P>Thanks for all the great input. It has helped me and my wife alot. She went to the doctor today, (psychiatrist), and he said that she did not exibit any signs of depression so she did not have to go on medication. That in it self was a GREAT improvement on her attitude. She said it was a wieght off her shoulders to know that she wasn't CRAZY and that it took alot of preasure off of her. Hey, if it removes preasure, I'm all for it. We have a vacation coming up in a couple of weeks and we have been talking about how we would handle it. We finaly agreed that she would go by herself for the first four days, then I will drive up and meet her for the last four days. At least she is willing to give it a shot.<P>Anyway, thanks again to everyone.<BR>