FA --<P>Just got back tonight from New England. Business trip. Thinking about how you're doing -- doctor update? H update? D's update.<P>FYI, I did address y W re:if she felt the marriage is worth saving. I gave her some time while I've been away to consider the posibilites. I said that we'll need to discuss more when I return. I guess that's this weekend. Happy Easter!<P>I told her that I was at a crossroads. I wasn't sure if she felt that there was anything left saving. I said that we don't talk anymore, and that would include discussing our current situation. I said I was tired, stressed out, etc. I didn't want to continue this way, and I felt that she no longer had an interest in me.<P>She didn't confirm anything, but she also didn't deny it. At least, maybe this whole thing is going to come to a head, cause this drifting in the wind sucks.<P>Talk at ya on Monday. Until then, have a good Easter and keep smiling!<P>--keystone

Hey keystone,<P>I was surprised to see your post today. I hope you had a good trip. I'm glad you mentioned something to your W before you left. Maybe this gave her the time to think about whats going on and hopefully now you will be able to talk about it all. Stay positive and don't get defensive with her. If it has to wait until after Easter so be it. Have a Happy Easter! <P>As it turns out the Dr's office called yesterday and wanted me to come in the afternoon instead of Friday morning. <P>Now for the GOOD news! I'm fine! They are both cysts! He said there is a possibility that the larger(well not large now)one will fill up again and if that happens we might have to discuss taking it out. The thyroid is now working the way it should be being the cyst is no longer pushing on it. So as it stands I have to go back for another ultrasound in October and back to the Dr in November, he wants to keep a watch on it so it doesn't get that large again. I was very relieved yesterday!<P>I came home to find D#1's face all red and scratched and picked at. I guess she was a little nervous when I left to go to the Dr yesterday(they started spring break yesterday). I sat them both down when I got home and explained it all to them and the next thing I know they were BOTH outside running around playing(not something D#1 usually does at her age). <P>H called on his way home from work yesterday and I told him I had just gotten in that the Dr had called and rescheduled so I went. Right away he got nervous and the tone in his voice changed and said we'll talk when I get home. So I said I'm fine its nothing to worry about! Then he changed his tone again. I guess everyones relieved! <P>Well other then the Dr's its been a difficult week here. I think D#1 came home stoned two days this week. Not a good thing in my book. I'm glad she has off now until May 1st. At least now at home I have control which I don't when shes in school. <P>As far as H, he is back to his old ways again. Like I said I don't know how much longer I can hold on here. A few things have come up this week that confused me a little, but I'm trying to deal with it. <P>Monday he wanted sex and I was not in the mood(had cramps) and he said "well I don't deserve it anyway". I was like what is that suppose to mean! Whatever! No he really doesn't but I guess he didn't understand thats not why I didn't want it. Then last night after my walk I came in to discuss about the Dr with him and he was online, so he said to me oh you want to talk! Well I just figured he would want to hear about what the Dr had to say but maybe I was wrong. Him knowing I was fine must have been good enough for him. I feel like I can't win, I'm damned if I do and if I don't. <P>So thats the update from here. I just wish the weather would clear up here on the east coast, its very depressing and not helping much! <P>Hope you and your family have a nice weekend! <P>falsely accused

FA --<P>Yea, I'm back. <P>Glad to hear the great news on the medical front. Still, take great caution in your condition. But, I'm sure you feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your shoulders.<P>Glad also to see that D#1 got a chance to be a kid again, playing around with her sister. Obviously, all the events from home are effecting her physically and emotionally. The "stoned" part is really scary. I cannot remember how old she is, but I know she's close in age to my D (12 yrs.), and that's a really frightening event. She needs support, help, and some stability at home. Your H has got to be part of the solution, not just the problem.<P>Re:the no sex... Maybe you've got to come out and say it -- you had cramps. If he's so totally insensitive, maybe you've got to hit him over the head with the obvious. Apparently, he's paying you back by not wanting to talk to you about the Dr., assuming that it's a bit of tit for tat. (No, there was no pun intended, but come to think of it...LOL).<P>The weather in New England was cold, damp, windy. Typical, but actually a nice break from the ordinary in So Cal. <P>The weekend was interesting. I was back in time for Good Friday. Had the day off, so I went out with my W for lunch. She was not happy at all to talk about our problems. She has taken the position that once things seem to be getting better, I confront her with a completly different point of view -- that things are NOT getting better.<P>I talked about feeling like an outsider with her friends. They have al these inside jokes, stories, etc, that I'm not part of. My W reacts totally differently around them, eyes lightening up, etc. I see a noticable shift in her temperment, even how she dresses to meet up with them. Maybe it's a MLC. It's like she's trying to regain some youth (although they are all about the same age range or slightly older). I think she drinks more, and she sure has a partier/dirtier/carefree attitude that I haven't seen since maybe college.<P>She feels that I an trying to control her emotions. She claims that when she reacts the way I don't want or expect her too, I get mad. She says that's who she is. I cannot demand that she react in a particular way, or expect her to react in a certain way. <P>An example was the lost diamond. I explained that she reacted no differently than if she had lost a note with an address on it. No big deal. Well, that set her off. It was a perfect example of what she was pointing out. According to her, I was expecting a certain reaction (I was), and when I didn't get it, I over anaylized it. That I'm creating a problem, reading something into her reactions.<P>She would rather have me take things at face value. The overanalysing is creating false readings, she claims.<P>She also questioned my commitment to her. Claims that by my doing my own grocery shopping (I'm on a special diet for a health problem), taking care of some errands on the weekend for a few hours (I had to get some stuff for my New England trip), joining a gym without consulting her, etc -- that I'm cutting her out of my life.<P>I thought part of Plan A was to never assume that the spouse would do everything for ypou. Take nothing for granted. I don't want my W's only contact with me to be doing my shopping, laundry, and errands. I didn't want he to feel that she's my go-fer.<P>This has now been turned around. She's telling me she wants to do those things.<P>Man, I'm confused. Am I overanalysing? Am I trying to control her emotions and reactions? Am I the stiff, antisocial that she claims her friends see me as?<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>I will continue to monitor the medical situation with the Dr. But at least now I know what I was hoping and praying for was true. I did believe that they were only cysts and I was right, so that was such a relief. <P>As far as D#1, yea, it was good to see her out there with her sister. I know everything is effecting her really bad. A lot has to do with being in the first year of high school and only being 14 too, besides all the tension in the house. She has gone from a size 5 to an 11 since school started and I'm really worried about her. She wants attention and I give her as much as I can but I guess its not enough. With her being off this week shes back to her normal self. As long as I keep her away from the kids in school shes fine. <P>The week she goes back she is suppose to go away with the school for a few days on a trip to Maryland for a competition. I'm really worried about that one. I still haven't made up my mind if shes going or not I might have to cancel her trip at the last minute, which means I would lose a lot of money. But I feel I have to do what my heart tells me when it comes to her. <P>Re: the no sex thing. I did tell him I wasn't feeling well and he should know by now after 18 1/2 years of marriage what I go through every month with the endometriosois. <P>H decided to take a weeks vacation(both jobs) in May (didn't even discuss it with me just told me after he scheduled it). Well wouldn't you know thats the next time I will be not feeling well so I won't be able to do much but stay off my feet. So I know that will be a very hard week to get through here. <P>The weekend was interesting here too. H worked all weekend mainly for his main job. I was a little upset the he volunteered to work Easter Sunday without extra pay for the holiday. So needless to say the girls and I celebrated Easter morning by ourselves. We haven't really spoken to each other at all this weekend.<P>Now on to your confusion! LOL I can honestly see where you are coming from. <P>Re: her emotions and reactions. I don't know how to really explain this but I'll do my best and hope you understand. I think being a stay at home mom could make her feel that way. As a stay at home mom you kind of lose yourself in everyone and everything around you. You lose your personality, your selfworth, just everything about you, your own persona so to say. You get to the point in life where you say is this all I've done with my life? <P>As far as her feeling like you controling her emotions yeah I can see where she is coming from. Not that you are, but I am the type of person who doesn't like to complain to H when he comes home because I feel he deals with enough stress at work. So I bottle it all up inside me and then he complains that I don't tell him anything. So if thats what she is going through then yes in a way it is a form of controlling but not consciously on your part. She probably still feels you lack of trust you have in her too. Thats a hard one to get over. I know for me thats really hard, especially when I get private call or out of area call hangups constantly when I am home alone. A week ago Monday there was a hangup(I was out Easter shopping for the girls) and then when H got home he questioned me as to where I was, so I know he is making these calls to check up on me. Wouldn't you know this week with the girls home there's been none! So yes this is all a way of controlling. <P>On the other hand I would like to see my H do a couple of things for himself instead of me always having to do everything. But thats just me. <P>Re: the overanalyzing, it could be possible that your are in some instances. I would like to think being she was still wearing her rings that it would have meant more to her when she lost the diamond. Maybe in her mind she was thinking, I want the diamond replaced but then he would have to work more hours to cover the cost. Who knows?!?!?! <P>I know with my H if I'm having a bad day he thinks its something more than what it is(overanalyzes). A lot of times the weather will set my moods and I know for me sitting home in the winter and things like this spring with all the bad weather we are having it will get me depressed. He doesn't seem to understand how lonely it is sitting home all day with no one to talk to(all my friends work, so there is no one around all day). As the girls get older there is less and less for me to do around the house and it makes it very difficult to get through the day sometimes. I have nothing to talk to him about because I do nothing important. <P>Who knows maybe it is MLC. I know for me the thought of the kids being gone within the coming years is really bothering me(3 years left for D#1). I think what will I do then. I'll really be all alone. I won't be able to go get a job because I've been out of the work force for to long and have no training even though I have a college degree its worthless now. I refuse to take a $5. hour job just to get out, so I'm stuck in a situation which I think will make me very unhappy in the near future. <P>Maybe this is what she is going through too. I know for me those thoughts and the thoughts of H never slowing down in his work habits is going to leave me a very lonely person. <P>I hope you can see what I was trying to explain. I know what I want to say its just trying to write it thats the hard part. Sometimes you have to think of it from her point of view(not that you know what that is!). Hopefully I gave you some insight into what might be going through her mind. <P><BR>falsely accused<BR> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by falsely accused (edited April 25, 2000).]

FA --<P>Thanks for the post.<P>Yea, I understand what you're trying to say. And, did articulate it well enough that I think I can see where she might be feeling that way.<P>I guess after 15+ years of marriage, you have expectations. These expectations are based on knowing someone for so long that you think and act alike. We used to be that way. Clearly, the last few years of troubles have made us quite a bit different.<P>What I have found, though, is that I can no longer trust my own instincts. If they are so far "off", then I'm unfairly judging her reactions. But, at what point do I start to regain that trust in my own reactions. If I'm lcaking confidence in my own feelings and responses, then I'm no good either.<P>Sometime ago, you and I talked about confidence. We talked about how you cannot go through life always second guessing yourself. And, with regard to our respective marriage woes, each partner has to conduct there lives with that confidence.<P>I thought I regained that confidence. I thought that I had moved beyond the second guessing (mostly), to where I could function and live my live without walking on egg shells. Obviously I've misjudged myself.<P>I'm trying to take it a day at a time -- how's that for a cliche... But, I'm also not going to NOT react if something strikes me wrong. If I don't react, if I just ignore it as overanalysing, obsessing, or whatever, I'm ripe for problems.<P>It's a tricky line to walk. Just seems that it's getting trickier instead of easier.<P>Re:your D#1. Sounds like a vacation away from the schoolmates is the right way to go. The school trip will be tough since who can you trust to look after her. Hopefully for 14yrs, you've imparted enough wisdom and good judgement that she can avoid some of temptaions of peer pressure. We both acknowledge that the pressures of home don't make it any easier.<P>Glad to hear that your H is taking off some time. Sorry to hear about the specifics of the timing. Can he change the dates?<P>Working Easter morning...? No rest for the weary, huh. It sounds like he's clearly trying to get away from the house because of the pressures. I, too, found that I was able to escape some of the homelife problems through work. It does work, but only for a while. When it comes crashing, it's a real big deal. I hope that he can see that now, before the crash.<P>The phone calls... Could it be kids calling for D#1? That happens alot, too. Kids calling, but they don't want to talk to the parents. Again, don't rush to judgement, the same way that you're suggesting that I don't misread reactions of my W.<P>Have a good day. Got a real busy one here, so I don't know if I can check in later. Good luck. I hope your D's and your H come around. It's spring. Maybe it will open up everybody's lives a little to make the healing happen.<P>Chin up!<P>--keystone

keystone,<P>Re : the conifdence thing. You know I've been thinking a lot about this today since I wasn't able to be online because the kids are home. The more confidence I have in myself the more distrusting my H is with me. At least that how I see it. <P>Could it be that my confidence is showing in a way that displeases my H? Could be. Can I let that distroy who I am or who I've become with this added confidence? No I can't. <P>Keep that in mind. I feel like my post put a snag in the way you were thinking about yourself and your confidence. I didn't mean it to and don't let it. I was just trying to let you in on the female mind a little and how it works(or at least mine works). <P>This is not an easy road, I think we both know that. I want to say something but I don't want you to take it the wrong way, but maybe add a little insight for you to think about. <P>Maybe your wife is turning to these so called friends to boost her confidence. Everyone needs that boost once in a while. This is very hard to write because I don't want to fault you here, I don't want to distroy any positiveness you are feeling about yourself. But as women I think we need our self-confidence boosted a little, especially being a stay at home mom. Its hard to look at ourselves as we are worth anything after a while. The kids become less and less dependent on us, our H's are working all the time and we don't have anyone to tell us what we need to hear. But you can't let that take away any of the confidence you are building in yourself. You probably feel like an outsider with them beause you let it get to you. Try not to let them get to you(easier said than done I know) when you do she probably sees it as you having no confidence in yourself or your relationship with her. <P>A little story here to fill you in on whats been going on with me and why this new found insight on my part. As you know I had contacted my old HS friend about the situation with my D. Well it turned into more than that. I guess you can probably guess where I'm going with this. The emails started out innocent, but he kept telling me that I was doing the right things with her and that I had to keep trying no matter what. My confidence that I was doing the right thing needed to hear that. He was feeding that boost that I needed. Then they turned sexual. <P>I wasn't surprised because I've told you before that this had happened and I had backed down and stopped emailing him. Well this time I let it go on for about a week or so in a kidding type way on my part to see what he was trying to get out of me and I played it up big time. Then the final blow came when he made a comment "no strings, of course". <P>I realized then what he truly wanted from me and thats not what I was looking for. I wanted a friend to discuss my problems about D, and someone who could give me a little insight into what to do next with her. I know it was wrong to play along but I was curious to see what would happened and I can say that some of the things he said to me made me feel good about myself. I haven't had contact with him for about a week now. <P>I would like to keep a friendship with him but he doesn't seem to be able to do that. Like I said before, I have my doubts as to how faithful he has been to his W. I can not be another one of his notches in his belt, so to speak. I can't say for sure whether there is feelings there on either part but I do know that I just can't do what he wants, if its friendship then fine but other than that no way. <P>Now for me this has been a boost in my self-confidence. To prove to myself that I am better than that. I guess we have to say that self-confidence comes in different ways to different people. <P>Don't let you own instincts make you feel like you are unfairly judging your W's reactions. Don't let you confidence waiver in that way. Stay strong. I want to say the only way you will truly find out is by talking(I'm a good example huh!! LOL). Ok all kidding aside, we do all become conflict advoiders after a while and just let it all slide to see where its all going to end. <P>Take it a day at a time...cliche...well if it works live by it. I do. I'm not saying not to react but don't do it in a defensive way. I think I surprised my H when he reamed out D for her report card then came to me in a defensive way because I didn't react to his defensive side. Tricky?....yes its the one of the more difficult thing to have to deal with. <P>Re: D #1, Well I'll see how things go when she goes back to school she has 3 days in school before she leaves and if I have to pull her out right before she leaves so be it. I have to do what I feel is right. <P>Re: H and vacation. Yeah he could change it but that would mean changing it for both jobs. I already told him not to plan anything anyway(before I realized what week it would be for me), because the girls are in school and this close to the end of the year I won't pull them out for minor things. To think they have been off since last Thursday and he could have taken some time off to be with them, but no. <P>As far as H working Easter morning this is the second year he has done this and the second Easter he has missed with the girls. I just don't see this as a positive move in our relationship. Yes eventually it will come crashing down on him if it hasn't started already. I found out he questioned D#2 about why we didn't wait for him. She told him straight out that they(the girls) didn't want to wait. <P>Re: the phone calls. I had my doubts as to whether it was him or not but the more I got(this has been going on since November), the more I put 2 & 2 together. I've been keeping a log of what times they come in, always around the same times which happens to be his break and lunch times. Then when he questioned me as to my whereabouts last Monday my thoughts about it became more real. <P>I was just going to say sorry this was so long but I'm not. LOL I do hope you acomplished what you needed to today and did it with a positive attitude! <P>As far as Spring?!?!?! Where? Not here in Jersey! LOL Its only been in the 40's today, cloudy and rainy, not my idea of spring! The calendar might say spring but I usually have a tan by now and I haven't even started because the weather has been so bad. LOL <P>Anyway have a good one.<P>falsely accused <BR>