H is having a internet EA affair.I asked him this a.m. if he was staying.HE said how long?I said as long as you can. H said he could not stay forever.<P>I am really having problems with LBing in the form of selfish demands.<BR>"STaY with me"<BR>"Spend time with me"<BR>"be my best friend"<BR>"Give me a hug"<BR>I am basically a taker,And H was giver.Now H is taker too.<P>I am suppose to be meeting his needs.But I feel like a failure.I want my needs met too,but H is not there for me.<P>Last nite we went to the movies and he looked at every women who walked in.He acts like he is in a bar ready to pick someone up.I told he was Lbing . He does this without thinking, and has for years.<P>I dont know whether relationship with OW is intensifying,but H is not interested in sex with me.Sometimes he seems so unhappy I think he just wants out of the marriage,that OW has little to do with his attitude.H remembers our bad marriage for so many years and has just given up on me. <P>I need to forget about my needs,be patient,and focus on H' needs.Anyone with encouragement , advice, support.I love H with all my heart,but it is hard when it is not returned.Bethn

Hi Beth,<BR> I think you're missing something important here. When we dated our H's we didn't get them to call for the next date by begging and pleading with them.If we did they would have run the other way.There is something very attractive about having to "get" that next date,not having it jump in your face.No disrespect intended here in the least,but you've got make sure H senses NO desperation whatsoever. Plan A but with no expectations.Really do it for you and he'll notice the improvements.You cannot control what he does anyway,no one can control another. Working on yourself will make the most difference.In changing yourself,he'll change his response.

Hi mthrrhbard,<P>Thank you for responding!I know you did not mean any disrespect.<P>It is the lack of control I have over this that bothers me.The hardest part of plan A is the work I have to do with my attitude. I will remember plan A with no expectations.Thanks again.bethn

Beth...<BR> You are right--the lack of control is VERY, VERY hard to deal with. I had to remind myself daily that I had no control over what my H would do, or how he felt (yes, I could make myself an attractive "option", but I could not control whether or how he would react). <BR> I prayed each morning, placing my H in God's hands for the day...giving him over to God to worry about, and acknowledging it was out of my hands...if you are at all religious, this may help you. It really seemed to help me with that lack of control issue...<BR>Kathi

HI Kathi<P>Yes Iam religious and your response to me will really help! I will print it .Thanks bethn<P>

Beth,<BR> Kathi soooo has the right idea!!!! Yes,I did this too! At first the thing that almost drove me crazy was that I had no control over what was going to come of our "mess".The ONLY way I got through it was to COMPLETELY let God have it.I walked EVERY morning,(still do most days)having what I call "God walks". I would cry,tears streaming down my face,but knew His solution was greater than mine.I now walk praising him for His miracle in our lives.<P>My only choice was to make myself better,that was ALL I could control. You can do it too!

You both have such great advice for beth. I find myself in a similar situation and each day lose the battle i have w/ lb and making myself seem desperate. After my emotional outbreaks to my H, when i look back and write everything down in my journal i feel soo foolish. <P>Beth - if you read this listen to Kathie and MthrrHbard. Learn from them. Read everything Kathie has ever written on this board. Her posts will teach you a lot.<P>I am going to start practicing harder what she preaches. Because my way is pushing my H farther and farther away each day<BR>Samantha

Beth, sorry you are having a hard time. Its hard to set you oun needs aside and know they will not be met. Someone here told me that the more you push toward him and make demands and ask for reassurances, the more he backs away. But if you step back and give him the space to move towards you he eventually may. <P> Patience is hard when you don't know the end results. Just keep thinking this is for you ,so no matter how it turns out you will be a stronger person.<P> Are you writting in a journal? That has helped me alot to be able to get my feelings down on paper and not say things to him. Next time you want to say something like that to him write it down instead and think if you really want to say it.<BR>Lora

Hi Samantha,<P>I am trying to learn from people who post to me.It is difficult to change yourself. i find that i seem to want more reassurance after H has had his weekend off because I suspect he has had time for an extended conversation with OW.I will try hardernot to LB with Selfish demands.My goal is to be able to say "I have not LBed in weeks!"Write me and tell me how you are doing.bethn