My H has been in withdrawl now for 3 days. He ended his affair because he wants to work on our marriage after 6 months from D-day. Up until 3 weeks ago, I was supportive of him and wanted despirately to save our marriage.<P>He just wasn't able to make up his mind and get off the fence. Finally, about 3 weeks ago he asked for a divorce. I willingly agreed. Basically, I was prepared for either scenario, but just wanted to start healing (either alone or together). Two days later...He felt he couldn't live with himself if he didn't give his marriage the chance to be worked out.<P>He has been sincere in his words and actions for several days leading up to the time when he broke off the affair. Stating, he knows he has to do this. He knows this is right for all people involved.<P>I've been trying to be supportive of him in the past few days. Knowing he is hurting over the loss of this relationship. HOWEVER...I feel as though he didn't mourn like this over the possible loss of our marriage for the past 6 months. I guess, I feel less of a woman than the OW. Something along the lines of his relationship with her for the past 9 months was more special to him that our 10 years together.<P>The OW's reaction has been quite cold and angry since she was informed of his decision. I think this has made his withdrawal period easier; however, I just feel that this might continue for an extremely long period of time. I'm not sure I can be supportive of him for an extremely long time (ie. another 6 months) while he mourns the loss of this OW.<P>I know it has only been 3 days, but living on this rollercoaster for the past 6 months has really taken a toll on me. I don't think I can last another 6 months.<P>Anyone who has experienced the withdrawal period....I'd like to hear your stories. How long it took? What to expect?<P>It is much appreciated.<P>------------------<BR>Rachel<BR>Rachelb25@yahoo.com

I can't speak for your H, but I have been going through withdrawl for two months. It has been a nightmare and hasn't gotten any easier for me. I did not have a PA, but a pretty intense EA for five months. The OM was married for about 18 months and I had been married 15 years. Not a brightest moment. To make a very long story short, my H called the OM's wife and told her about our relationship. The next day, the OM ended it saying he was going to try and resolve his marital problems through counseling...It ended. I have been in a severe depression since then and have been going for counseling. I don't know how long withdrawl lasts. I have a feeling that women involved in an EA most likely have a harder time of it then men. Men probably have a harder time with the PA. Just a quess. I imagine it depends on the relationship and what the OP did for your spouse. When I first found MB I thought in a few weeks I would be as good as new. I'm still waiting. <BR>LS<P>

I don't want to bring you down but i'll tell you what I experienced.<P>My h had affair with a woman he works with. She was in an unhappy marriage and he gave her the support she needed to end her marriage. Throughout their affair, he left me 3 times to go be with her. She is an extremely provacative woman and will do anything to get attention from men including just getting breast implants.<P>After the 3rd time, he left for good. The first time was one day, the second was 2 weeks. He is so addicted to her and has completely changed who he is as a person. All his beliefs and morals went out the window. He does not have the strength to part from her. She makes him feel like he is a teenager again. We have been together for 19 years so things aren't like they were when you first start dating. In my eyes they were wonderful years together but in his eyes he saw this sex pot come along who wanted him and he gave in. <P>My problem is is that I know he loves me and he tells me he does. He claims he loves her more and in a different way. But, all that aside, it is still not enough for him. He likes the way she makes him feel. He is only concerned about his own happiness at this time and I am not sure what it will take to get him out of this withdrawal. <P>I am not all that certain that I want to wait around to find out either. He is currently living with ow and her 3 teenage kids about 2 miles from my home. I think that is so wrong for her kids. This woman in nothing but trouble too. My h once had her arrested for harrasment. You see that is how powerful this addiction thing is. It totally blinds the person who is going thru it. Unfortunatley, only time will tell what will happen. <P>I wish you so much luck. Sometimes its best to let them go and live with the OP just so they can really understand what life with them is like. My h had been gone for 3 months now and he claims to be very happy. I'll give it one year and see what happens. <P>The sad part of all of this, is even if they do wake up, they will still always love that other person and you will need to learn to live with that. Just like he will always love you. Good Luck. Your in my prayers!!

Hi Rachelb25 -<P>I am sorry that you have had to feel the effects of this monster called infidelity....it is gobbling up the world!!! UGH!!<P>I don't know how much you have read around MB or how much of the concepts you are familiar with...if not much, may I urge you to do so. It is a wonderful approach to learning and implementing relationship techniques that will be critical to accomplishing a better, long-lasting marriage.<P>Right now...you sound tired!! That is normal and being that your H has decided to try - you are halfway there if you can find the strength to do your part.<BR>It is not easy.....it will require time, patience, compassion, learning, sharing and a lot of work. But Rachel - it is definitely worth it!!!!<P>A good starting place is to realize that his thinking process was messed up while involved with OW....he wouldn't/couldn't think about how important you were - if he did, he wouldn't have landed in that predicament to begin with. His thinking had nothing to do with YOU or the marriage at that time. He merely wanted something that was "missing" and went about finding it the wrong way....<P>I was very happy to see that OW is ticked and showing it.....that means that what you show will help H through withdrawal all the faster.....this is a VERY GOOD THING!!!!!<P>Learn about Plan A.....show your H the woman he fell in love with. YOU ARE more than woman enough!!!! This should not be as difficult for your situation as it is for so many others here.<P><BR>WE are all here for the down times..for when you need to vent, cry, scream, etc.<BR>Use us.....don't bring it to H. We will give you support and encouragement!!!<P>We know how it is to be tired...I sure do, anyway!!! I'm in a situation where H has been in this for 3 years now, I have divorce in process and a nut of a husband telling me he wants to grow old with me but in 10,20 years!!! Right now he wants to play......<P>HEY, I'll trade ya....LOL!!!<BR> <BR>You and H can be OK..more than that - your marriage can be more than you dreamed if you learn and share what you learn with H.....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Missy - I just had to post to you...<P>I am so sorry for your pain....I hope you are getting the help through it that you need!! Is it helpful for you here at MB? Have you read the site info?<P>I felt your pain sooo much in your post.<BR>I do want to point out that things are not hopeless and all WS do not continue to "love" the OP's.....please do not think that!!!! MOST realize at some point that it was fantasy!!! <P>That is especially true with Rachel's situation here....her H has been smart enough to recognize that it is time to get back to reality!!! <P>We must always encourage, sweetheart!!! Most of this struggle we are in is a matter of working our own feelings through....we can take any perspective we want or need to achieve our goals. We can be optimists or pessimists.....<BR>We can become stuck in pain or push to work through it.<P>WE are here for you and keep your chin up because there is a lot to be gained for yourself through a more positive approach and outlook!!! <P>A smile a day is a good start!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Rachel:<BR> My H "fell in-love" with a co-worker. He decidd to work on the marriage & was in withdrawal starting in mid-September, tho I did not know what was wrong with him (I thought he was depressed and/or having a nervous breakdown). He would tell me what a difficult time he was having at work, how he just shut his door and cried, but told me he didn't understand why, and at home he was depressed and very, very irritable. Couldn't sleep either. Dec.27 he told me he wanted to leave, had put a deposit down on another place, didn't feel in-love with me (tho he said he cared for me). We talked, cried, decided to have him stay here and work on the marriage...things got s teeny bit better, but not a lot...a couple of weeks later he told me the reason he was having trouble working on the marriage was that he was in-love with someone else (up til then he had told me there was no one else involved). I stayed in PlanA mode, and tried to support him and love him, while he went thru withdrawal. Several times I held him while he cried for her...other times were pretty good...lots of ups and downs. By mid-February, things seemed to be mostly looking up and we went off for a 3 day weekend...half was great, half was awful...I was about ready to despair by the end of the weekend. But, that was the last really awful spell. He is still not 100%, but says now that he finds it easier to avoid her, and no longer feels in-love with her (tho he cares about her and misses her as a friend, and wishes it had stayed as a friendship). He tells me he loves me often, and acts like he loves me. Things are good again. <P>So, to answer your question, it was serious withdrawal & depression for about 5 months. But, the first couple of months the withdrawal was pretty awful all the time...then it got to being liveable, but with awful moments. The trick is to keep looking at the progress you've made...day to day it seems very slow, but over the course of a few weeks or months, you see that you ARE making progress after all. <P>Hang in there--bad as it was for a while, it was definitely worth it for us--<P>Kathi<BR>

I agree with Sheba. I, as the betrayer (oh how I hate holding that title), DO NOT continue to love the OP.<P>It took me a good 3 months to get rid of the thoughts of thinking I still had feelings for the OM.<P>But with the NO CONTACT rule, I was able to rid him of my system. It is truly an addiction, and withdrawl plays a big part in leading to recovery.<P>And now that I have purged the OM from my life, the fog has lifted and I can see clearly now.<P>I still have thoughts of the OM, but now they are "what was I thinking!!! How could I put my husband and family through all of this just to be with him"???<P>I realize now that I did not "love" the OM. I loved the "way I felt when I talked to him". And now I am getting that feeling from my husband. I have no need to look for it elsewhere.<P>It did take a while for me to trust my husband with my heart again. I guarded it pretty closely. I gave it to him a little bit at a time. And then I saw that he was taking very good care of it, so I gave it all to him. <P>