Hi everybody. It's been a long time since I've posted. I can't believe how stupid I've been. I left my wife about a year ago. 14 year old marriage has been on the rocks for a couple of years. I don't know why, call it stupid pride, or whatever, I didn't make any effort to try and make my marriage work during the past couple of years. But neither did my wife. We drifted apart, didn't talk, no love life, etc. And we have three children, twin girls 7, and an 11 year old son. Beautiful kids.<P>So I did the easy thing. Walked out. During the past year, I met a woman who I have fallen in love with. It's very easy to forget about your wife when there's another woman around. Now I'm starting to see the OW through much clearer eyes. And I'm seeing my wife for the truely beautiful person she is. Now I know what a lot of you are thinking: I'm getting what I deserve. I'm at MB for advice and support, not to be called a jerk. I made a big mistake, and I'm trying to fix it. I'm trying to get the OW out of the picture, but the problem is, we work together. The good news is that we are on different floors, so we don't see each other maybe once or twice a week. In my earlier posts, I've said that we are trying to remain friends. Believe me, that is easier said than done, particularly when you still have feelings for her. When I see her, it's all I can do not to stand and talk to her. Trying to unlove someone is very hard to do, especially when you still have some contact with the other person. But I'm doing my best. <P>The good news is that I'm still on good terms with the wife. However, I'm pretty certain she doesn't know about the OW. And I know I've got to tell her. If I had put all the love and attention that I gave the OW on my wife, I would probably be a happily married man today. But when the wife and I get together, we find it very difficult to talk about our feelings. We talk about everything else. <P>We have been on a couple of dates lately, but I can't seem to break down this wall we have between us. I think my wife still loves me, as I love her. But we don't touch, hug or kiss when we see each other. Why is this so difficult???? If either one of us would make the first move, I'm sure the other would follow suit. Why can't I make the first move. Is it because I'm afraid of rejection? I don't know. <P>I'm eating dinner at her house this Saturday. I'm going to try and take a big break, give my wife a big hug, and tell her I love her. Boy, this is scarey. Small steps would probably be best at this point. Any ideas from you guys? Would it be a good idea to come clean, tell about the OW? Or should I wait awhile?<P>And please pray that I don't do anything stupid, like ask the OW for a date. You betrayers know what I mean. Get around the OW, and sometimes all common sense and resolve go out the window. What have I got myself into!!??!!<P>I've bought three of Harley's books, as well as five books on affairs. Now if I can just practice what I've read.<P>I'm going through what a lot of you have gone through, and insight from other peoples experience is appreciated. Thanks for your support.

Hi Lost in NC,<P> Hi there and welcome, I'm in NC also . We moved here so that my H would be away from OW. Anyway, it sounds like you are sincere and you might want to call Steve Harley on this website to counsel you on the best way to proceed....You're right , it only takes one to tip over that first domino and get your marriage back on track.....Take care...LU

LostInNC, <P>Are stories are similar in many ways. I've been married a little longer, and have four children. I certainly understand drifting a part too. Our stories differ in that my wife was the one who found comfort and companionship in another man. <P><BR>It's a little tough to sum up 18 months of experience in one post but I'll try and offer a little advice. <P>1. If your heart is still with your wife, can recover and you both can have a wonderful mariage. But, winning back the heart of lady who once trusted you, who once felt safe with you, and who once knew you would never leave her will be a very long and arduious road. Make sure you are up to the task. You will experience rejection. You will be tested beyond measure. Your actions will speak much louder than your words. She is not going to give you her heart again if she thinks you will trample it later. <P>2. First and foremost, you MUST end all contact with the OW. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. Change jobs if you are really serious or transfer to an area you know you will never see one another again. You CAN NOT heal if there is any contact. Doing this will show us and your wife how serious you are about healing your marriage. <P>3. Be prepared to give unconditionally for a very long time expecting nothing in return and most likely receiveing rejection, anger, and bitterness for things you think she'll want, need, or desire. <P>4. Go very, very, very slow. Winning her back is a whole lot different than romancing her the first time. She knows you now. She knows your faults. She knows what you are capable of doing. She is going to want to see REAL change over a long period of time. <P>5. Keep in mind your wife is a lot like you. She wants passion, love, and affection too. Sure you are both at fault for the way your marriage was crumbling, but you are responsible for your part of it. That is where you focus. DO NOT dwell on her shortcomings. Your wife didn't admire you any more because you didn't give her anything to admire. She didn't feel sexy around you because you never made her feel sexy or beautiful. She didn't give you affection because you didn't give any to her. A loving man can bring out all the wondeful qualities a woman has to offer. YOU BE THAT MAN.<P>In regards to your date with your wife, I suggest you show up a a small bouquet of flowers (her favorite ones if you know what they are). Leave ALL your love busters in the trunk of your car. Dress nice. Smell nice. BE NICE. She may be making dinner, but how about you serve her. Or straighten up the house while she finishes getting things ready. Then offer to do the dishes. If you think the time is right, ASK to give her a hug (she'll tell you one way or the other). Tell her you've missed her company. I think that saying you love her may put her on the spot and she probably won't believe you anyway. <P>This is going to take a long time. Try to keep dating. Do and be your best. She'll be looking for your old self to shine through - DON'T let it. Be the new you, and be someone she can love again.<P>SHA<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Sir Hurts a Lot - thanks for the comments. Beleive me, I'll do my best to do the right thing. As for the OW, she told me yesterday at work that she's starting to date other men, which is actually good news. I'll be on my best, romantic behavior Saturday night. <P>I have some friends going to New Orleans next week, and I ask them to bring me back some voodoo love potion. <P>I'll let you know how it goes.<P>

LostinNC,<P>My best advice to you is bring flowers and a nice bottle of wine when you go to dinner at her house on Saturday. That's always a nice openner. Take it slowly step by step and take time to feel what she is feeling.<P>Talk with her, ask her about her day, her week, let her talk to you. Listen to her. She will like that alot. Help with the dishes, no man every lost points with his wife by doing the dishes! You'll know when the right time comes to give that hug. But don't go overboard, short but sweet is better than long and awkward.<P>Good luck, and God bless you.