My H was very dishonest with me about his sexual problems. My divorce was finalized on April 17th. I was doing fairly well for a while but now I have taken a major step backwards. I have always wanted my H and marriage back. I remarried after being single and raising my son alone for 12 years. Thought I found Mr. Wonderful. The year we dated before we got engaged went really well. My husband was raised a strict Catholic and used the religous excuse for not wanting pre-marital sex. When we were fianlly intimate after several months it seemed to go well for both of us, and whatever reservations I had were chalked up to his religious beliefs. The minute we married the nightmare started. We had a fairly normal sex-life for a few months (we were trying to have a child since we were both 40 and he never married before). As our problems got worse our intimacy completely stopped within about 3 months. Of course with the adjustment problems getting pregnant was put on hold. In my husbands mind that meant no need for sex. We went for counseling at which point he told me that he did not have an attraction for women, never did, told me that he would never, and has never, acted on being with a man. I believe he would kill himself before he would live that life style. We continued to work on the marriage, but 8 months past with no relations. I would not force the issue because I tried to give him space, but he never came around. Never once brought up the issue, and never kissed or hugged me in between. It was devastating to sleep beside someone you love and have no contact. Expecially being a newlywed. We had a huge fight 3 weeks after we moved into our brand new house, and my whole world came crashing down. When this first came out in the beginning of the marriage, he told me he was so sorry to drag me into this mess, and then he thought of all the women he dated, if it would work with anyone, it would have been me. No matter what I did in the marriage I was wrong. I was totally controlled by him because it was his way or no way, bottom line he took it out on me. When we split up he was so cruel, said that I made him think he was gay, that he was with many women in the past, and enjoyed sex and that it was just me he didn't want to be with. Even knowing this was a total lie, it was like a knife going through my heart. Then he proceeded to go full force with putting the house on the market, going to see a lawyer, spliting money, ripping up credit cards. What was supposed to be my dream ended up a nightmare. Sad part is that I strongly feel there were things in his past that confused him, and that he probably isn't even gay, but he thinks he is. I am having the hardest time. There was no closure. He never came to me and changed his story, or said he was sorry. I still have not let his secret out. I don't know when the pain will end. I come to tears everytime I think that this happenned to me and that someone could be so cold. I am really hoping there is someone out there that can give me some answers, or tell me where I can go to find out about situations like this. I hear this happens alot and I wish I could find someone to talk with that experienced the same. It is not something that I can talk to even my close friends with. It would destroy my husband if he knew it was talked about and even though he has been so horrible, I can't do that. I did go for counceling during and after the marriage. My councelor strongly felt that the problems he had went so deep that it would take years of therapy, with him really wanting to get better, even if it was to decide who he was. She felt he may destroy me in the process. I would still be willing to try if there was some hope. He is in complete denial so it would probably never be possible. I guess I am looking for a miracle.<BR>

2down, your husband is gay.<P>He's having problems admitting it, but he's gay. At the very least, he's bisexual with strong urges on the gay side.<P>I read in Salon yesterday ( <A HREF="http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2000/04/26/dumped/index.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.salon.com/mwt/feature/2000/04/26/dumped/index.html</A> ) that CONSERVATIVE estimates are that there at least two million couples in your situation. Not that this is reassuring, but at least you can know you're not alone.<P>I know you're going through a lot of pain. There are support groups -- many of them -- for straight spouses (and ex-spouses) of gays. I strongly suggest you find one. Check out PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have a Web site: <A HREF="http://www.pflag.org" TARGET=_blank>www.pflag.org</A> . <P>This is one of the most devastating things that can happen to a marriage. In some ways, it's worse than an affair, because of the (unjustified) "shame" involved.<P>But know this: If your H is gay (and based on your description, it sounds as if he is, and having a hell of a time coming out), YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM GAY. And there's nothing you could have done about it. <P>Please read this article; it might help you feel not so alone. And please seek support. If you'd like, you can E-mail me: filmgeek55@email.com. I have a friend who's not in your situation, but on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

Dear Dazzed:<P>Thanks so much for your reply. I knew there was information out there, but I tried so many times with no luck. I will e-mail you too. I plan to get the book. I have also gone to books stores in search of any answers, with no luck. When I was still married I had to do any research secretly, and I was too afraid to use my e-mail address for fear someone would expose my husband. I really do believe he would kill himself. It is so sad. I am wondering how you have so much information on the subject. I hope to find more and more. Maybe if I can convince myself that he really is gay, I could get on with my life.

For a set of checklists and pointers to resources, check out <A HREF="http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk." TARGET=_blank>http://members.fortunecity.com/str8/str8talk.</A> There are between 1 and 2 MILLION closet cases hiding in heterosexual marriages, and most of them lied to themselves and their spouses in order to marry. Being married will not "cure" a person of same sex attractions, any more than the straight spouse will "cause" a spouse to become gay. But the toll on the straight spouse is devastating, and the time before the gay spouse comes out of the closet with the straight one (assuming that happens) is a special kind or horror.<P>Good luck. I'm still there.<BR>