Hi. I posted the following as a reply to Garden Girl, but then I decided I wanted to hear from others on the subject. <P>Do other betrayeds think that this applies to their situation? I wonder if this is a common trait that sets us up to be lied to.<P>Something critical to our marriage recovery was my realization that if I wanted Total Honesty, I had to REWARD it, rather than freaking out every time I learned or heard something unpleasant or contrary to MY<BR>set of values. <P>This is addressed in the MB books, but I don't think most betrayeds really understand how we can set ourselves up to be lied to. <P>Think in terms of conditioned response: when we respond negatively to honest opinions and actions, we train our spouses to bend the<BR>truth. They learn that lying or pretending brings positive or neutral responses from us. <P>After my h. confessed his affair (a 14 mo. office romance which had been over for a couple of months when he told me), I wanted Total Honesty. <P>I promised him that I could handle whatever he told me and that I would always respond calmly and listen intently without judging or<BR>flipping out. His job was to answer my questions in a kind manner, let me know when I offended him, and not use honesty as a blunt weapon.<P>The key to the success of this approach, in my opinion, is that he no longer thinks of me as some needy, dependent ball and chain that he has to protect from reality like one of our children. His respect for me has skyrocketed, and passion is returning because he perceives me as strong and alive. <P>Does this make sense? I just think that this may be a common trait among the betrayed; being unable/unwilling to cope with difficult<BR>truths.<P>lizzie

I understand where you are coming from. BUT there are some betrayers that live by the "What they don't know won't hurt them" mode. I don't believe in that and I think it is a cop out to save their own A$$! Sorry for the frankness, but I am in a bad situation right now and am tired of the seperate life my H thinks is okay. Actually, he knows it isn't okay but he doesn't care enough about me to end it. But hey, I have thick skin and I won't break. But I am going to have my own life, without him being a part of it. If I find that I can't live in the same house and continue on with this charade of a marriage, then I will end it. Sorry just venting

POGP,<P>Just wanted to say thanks, you have given me something to think about. Honesty is a biggie for most of us, but our responses to that honesty is hard to handle. I have been trying to keep my "I can handle this" face on when H and I talk. On the inside, I may be dying, but I come across as strong, and self-assured.<P>My H also has lost self-respect for me over the years as I have been very needy and gave complete control to him. I am trying to be a more self-assured person by doing things like getting a job, taking over the paying of bills, ect.<P>I hope that like your spouse, my H eventually sees the changes in me, and that they are permanent, even if he chooses to leave.<P>Thanks for the post, it gave me hope.<BR>

POGP,<P>Thank you for the insight. My husband has told me that he can't tell me the truth because if it is something I don't want to hear I freak out (he's right I do). It made a lot of sense, what you said. I will try it. Because I do want/need total honesty, I don't always know what to do with my emotions when I get it though. But I have made this an additional part to my Plan A.

Trying-I am sorry that your h. still bends the truth to his advantage. <P>My h. used to say things like "You sometimes have to lie to people to avoid hurting them". I would argue about this, but didn't realize that he was in an affair and needed to tell himself that lie to cover his tracks. <P>When true recovery was underway, THEN I began to push for honesty. For someone who had become quite adept at white lies and omissions, this was alot of work for my husband. <P>That is why it was SO important for me to get a firm grip on myself, smile pleasantly and say "thank you for being honest, it means so much to know that you respect me and trust me to handle it."<P>AZ allison: <P>I found that conquering the demon of neediness (which was just laziness in my case) really helped me restore my sense of self-worth and value. <P>In my efforts to avoid conflicts with my h., I used to call him at work almost daily to ask his opinion about something. I sensed him pulling further away, but I never realized how unattractive it was, especially in light of the confidence he saw in the OW every day in the office. <P>Keep working on finding your strong inner self. It is who your husband was first attracted to.<P>TXsuper: Think about how you want your h. to think of you -- a strong partner and helpmate or one more drain on his own strength. <P>Once I realized how messed up my perceptions were about Biblical marriage relationships, things really began to change. My h. even commented that he was so glad to see that he hadn't completely killed all my 'spunk', because he said that is what first attracted him to me. <P>thanks for the replies...<P>blessings,<BR>lizzie\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

POGP<P>Good good good post.<P>We ARE responsible for our own behaviors. That means, when someone tells you the truth, you are resposnible for your behavior for it, no doubt.<P>But we ARE NOT responsible for other persons lying. That is their responsibility.<P>If we respond responsibly, (our behavior affects their behavior) - then they may respond more honestly.<P>But... It is NOT the betrayed's guilt or cause for someone else's lying. That is something the lying person is responsible for 100%. <P>(This is one of the reasons why I stopped seeing our marriage counselor - she wanted me to take responsibility for other people's lies.)<P>TNT

TNT, nice to hear from you!<P>As we continue to 'recover', I've started reflecting on what helps and what sets us back. Although I'd like to avoid thinking about infidelity completely, when I realize something I feel like it should be posted.<P>Thanks for the positive feedback...<P>have a good weekend,<BR>lizzie\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>