Just wondering...<P>Why is it that some OM/OW act in desperation after getting dumped by the betrayer.<P>Wouldn't you think that they would just move on? Why continue to hold on to someone who wasn't yours to begin with? Isn't it demeaning? Sometimes they go to such extremes, and sometimes they end up being humiliated.<P>I'm just curious here. Hope no one is offended.

I take no offense to your question...I wonder myself. I quess the answer depends on what was going on between the two betrayers. There is no good way to break up, but sometimes a bit of compassion goes a long way. <P>I didn't turn into a harassing pain in the behind...but I did fall off the wagon a few times and email the OM. Why did I do this when I promised I would support him in his decision to go for marriage counseling? I was hurting, angry, and being selfish. I also couldn't understand how he was able to just move on after hearing for months that I was the only thing in his life that mattered and he loved me above all else. <P>Logically, I knew from the start that he was not mine and I had no right to demand, request, or ask anything of him. I never had to; he was always there. Please don't be angry with me...I am being truthful and perhaps some of the betrayed can see the other side. The OM told me he was miserable and that I was the only one he loved. When the EA was discovered by my H, he was there offering support. When I told him what my H was going to do (call his wife) if I didn't stop, the OM said not to worry about it..he would handle it. Well, my H made good on his threat and the OM just vanished. <P>Logically, I knew I had no right to him. I loved him and thought, well, he is a good person and he is doing the right thing. As time moved on and he never contacted me to even see if I was okay, I thought, what a Jerk, saying all of those things to me, getting my trust, and then running away. I was angry...he had no concern for my H and the havoc he created in my life when his own was secure. I thought, what a creep, I hope his wife knows the extent of her H's actions, and hoped he was suffering as much as me. <P>I just couldn't believe that I had been that stupid. I wanted to be wrong...and have him write me back to tell me how much he missed me. I didn't do this by myself. The only difference is, I did fall in love and he didn't. I was just a fantasy. I have moved on. You may have heard that line, "Love has no Pride." Isn't it the truth? Sorry, this is so long. I realize every person has their own story. But married or not, when you tamper with people's emotions, lie to them, and cheating is lying, things generally don't turn out well. It's amazing to me that the H or W of the WS absolves their spouse of contributing to the affair. It takes two and if the OP is having hard time breaking it off, then there may be a good reason for that. <BR>I'm just curious here. Hope no one is offended. [/B][/QUOTE]<P>

Hi Lonelysoul,<P>Thanks for replying and for sharing your experience. I reallyappreciate it.<P>You are correct. It's hard not to assume that there is something special between the betrayer & OP, if the betrayer is feeding OP false hopes and vice versa.<P>I guess that is part of the fantasy. The betrayer & OP just <BR>want the "high feeling" to <BR>continue.<P>When it's gone...they wonder what <BR>happenned to all those hopes & <BR>promises....<P>Thanks again for responding. This was really geared for the OP and I posted the question here. I didn't really want to post it in the TOW forum. I might not get some sincere answers there and get flamed for even asking.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited April 27, 2000).]

Dear Lonely Soul:<P>I never, ever absolved my spouse of his fling with the OW. He has paid and paid BIG for his mistakes without my having to say a whole lot. I know what he did-it makes me sick to think about it. It makes me cry sometimes-which makes him feel so guilty, so horrible, so ashamed, so embarrassed and so sad that he had hurt me so deeply and hurt our marriage with the ultimate betrayal.<P>So, because of his deep, deep remorse and sincere commitment to reparation, my anger is sometimes focused on the OW. She is not sorry, she has NOT removed herself from my life, she DID intentionally get herself pregnant to get my husband and to get money-even after I begged her to back off after their first weekend together.<P>We all talk about the spouse and what they did and did not do, how they hurt us and destroyed our homes. If you don't see that, then you are not looking. <BR>When it's time to talk about the OW or OP and our anger and hatred of them, then it's simply their turn to be on the hot seat.

Lonelysoul,<P>This comment doesn't have anything to do with the OW's desparation after she is dumped, because my H is still with her, and I do blame my H for giving in to her demands. However, SHE was the one who hung up on me when I called to talk to my H when my plans changed, affecting when he would bring the kids home. My H has specifically told me that it is not only fine to talk to him there about logistics, but that he wants me to talk to him rather than have the kids convey messages to him. However, I can't talk to him if she hangs up on me - and she apparently screens his phone calls. In 25 years, I NEVER asked who was on the phone when someone called to talk to my H, unless he asked me to. <P>I am sure that many of his actions were at her suggestion - on several occasions he has agreed to one course of action, or even suggested it himself, and then reversed himself after having time to talk to the OW about it. I don't think it was my H's idea to try to get the kids to stop calling to say goodnight to me when they are staying with them. <P>My question would be why OW's are so controlling, even when they already got what they wanted.

Good point Sweetpea.<P>It sounds like the OW in Nellie's case feels insecure.<P>I wonder if the OW is thinking....If Nellie's H cheated on Nellie....that means that he can cheat on me (OW) too!<P>Nellie's H & OW won't be able to trust each other.

nellie, you posed an interesting question and one that if you knew the answer to, you would probably be able to figure out why your H is there and not with you.<P>What IN HIM is allowing himself to be so controlled by her.!!!!<P>THat is the question that I, my H family, and probably the entire community here are asking. Someone in this town told a friend of mine... I cannot believe he left his wife for that "hag"<P>I warned him about her...his family told him she had her own agenda, this entire community sees her has a power-hungry manipulator...so what IN HIM is allowing himself to be controlled.<P>Is it the lure of NEW sex??? lack of responsibility??? insecurity??? depression (bingo in my case)

Good question...<P>Geez...I guess I acted desperate towards the OM because he made so many false promises that I fell for. I believed when he told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...but, that he just "needed time". I felt I loved him...even if he wasn't "mine"...I still thought I loved him.<P>It hurts to be rejected by somebody who supposedly "loves" you...and sometimes that hurt turns into desperate, pleading acts. Oh, how I wish I could have just walked away as easily as he did...and avoided the humiliation.<P>I think that if the OW/OM is honest with the person he is betraying with, that alot of the desperate acts could be avoided. Honest in saying that they are staying with their spouse and that they will never leave...instead of leading the person on. My OM continued to keep the door open (as small as it was) and this kept me coming back for more...it would have been much easier if he just slamed the door in my face and knocked some sense into me. <P>He even went so far as to whisper over the phone to me (while his wife was standing there) that he still wanted to see me, while making his wife believe he was telling me it was over...if that's not leading me on, then I don't know what is.

Sometimes it is also the spouse who acts desperate. Now I think they have a right to, don't get me wrong. They are trying to save their marriage. Why are they trying to save their marriage. Well usually mostly because they love their spouse. Often the OP feels that they love your spouse too. And they act desperate because they feel they are losing the love of their life. Yes it is probably just a fantasy but that is still how it feels to them at the time. Also, if an OP is really really chasing hard, it is almost always because they are at least getting some kind of signal that is telling them to keep trying because there is a chance. Only really crazy people keep trying and hurting themselves when there is no sign at all that it is doing any good or will ever do any good. Which is another point to think about. Some spouses and some OP do have mental problems of some sort. Another reason I think is pride. Their pride has been hurt. This person made promises and told them that they loved them and they believed them. And I think the reason a lot of betrayed spouses pursue even when it's clear the fight is lost is pride. I also think its the mixed signals thing the same as the OP gets. In my case, when I finally found the strength to end it I stuck with it and did not pursue. We ended it together. He did try and contact me a few times but did not reach me. I sent him a message through a third party that I was moving on with my life and so should he and I would not ever speak to him again unless he was divorcing and not lying to his wife. That is what happened but only after over a year of no contact at all after his attempts. Though the affair was very wrong I did the right thing in the end. But it was hard, very very hard. The hardes thing I have ever done. It was hard because I loved him and missed him and I just wanted to hear his voice sometimes. And I think anyone who has been left whether they are the spouse or the OP can understand that. That's just basic human emotion.<P>Del