HI,<BR>I'VE POSTED ON THE JUST FOUND OUT BOARD BUT EVERYBODY SAYS TO POST HERE. SO HERE'S MY STORY. I STARTED GETTING SUSPICIOUS IN NOV 99. I DIDN'T NECESSARILY THINK MY H WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, BUT I FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS WRONG. WE HAVE A LITTLE BOY AND I WAS PREGNANT AND DUE IN MARCH. WE CELEBRATED OUR 7TH ANNIVERSARY AND I THOUGHT THINGS WERE PRETTY GOOD. I KNEW OUR MARRIAGE WAS FAR FROM PERFECT, BUT I STILL THOUGHT THINGS WERE PRETTY GOOD. HOWEVER, I WAS HAVING A VERY HARD PREGNANCY AND SEX WAS DEFINITELY THE FARTHEST THING FROM MY MIND. MY H THROWS NEWSPAPERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND THEN HAS A REGULAR JOB DURING THE DAY. HE IS ALMOST 15 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. ANYWAY, JUST SOME LITTLE THINGS CAME UP THAT SEEMED UNUSUAL BUT I DIDN'T THINK A LOT ABOUT IT. I SOMETIMES WOULD WONDER IF HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, BUT THEN I WOULD THINK I WAS JUST BEING PARANOID BECAUSE I WAS PREGNANT. BESIDES, MY H WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. WE WERE GOING TO CHURCH TOGETHER AND HE WAS VERY INVOLVED IN THE CHURCH. THEN I DECIDED TO LOOK AT THE CELL PHONE BILL WHEN IT CAME IN JANUARY, AND WAS I EVER SHOCKED! IT WAS ABOUT $600 AND THERE WAS ONE PARTICULAR PHONE NUMBER THAT HE WAS CONTINUALLY CALLING WHILE HE WAS OUT THROWING PAPERS AND THE CALLS WERE SOMETIMES 30 MINUTES. BUT THEY WERE CONSTANTLY CALLING EACH OTHER BACK AND FORTH AND TALKING FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME. I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT BUT HE KNEW THAT I SAW IT BECAUSE I NORMALLY DON'T OPEN THE BILLS. ANYWAY, IN MID-JANUARY HE SAID HE HAD A BUSINESS MEETING TO GO TO ON A THURSDAY NIGHT. IT WAS FOR AN ORGANIZATION THAT HE HADN'T PARTICIPATED IN FOR SEVERAL YEARS. HE GOT HOME MUCH LATER THAN HE HAD SAID HE WOULD AND I WAS VERY SUSPICIOUS AT THIS POINT. WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP I LOOKED IN HIS WALLET AND FOUND A CREDIT CARD RECEIPT FOR DINNER AT SOMEWHERE DIFF'T THAN WHAT HE HAD TOLD ME! THEN I LOOKED AT HIS SHIRT HE HAD WORN AND THERE WAS MAKEUP ON THE SHOULDER! I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO SO I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. I WAITED UNTIL SATURDAY BEFORE I BROUGHT IT UP. I ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS MEETING AGAIN AND HE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT - ALL LIES OF COURSE. THEN I ASKED HIM WHY HE HAD BEEN TO THE RESTAURANT AND WHY WAS THERE MAKEUP ON HIS SHIRT. WE GOT IN A HUGE ARGUMENT BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T TELL ME AND BASICALLY KEPT TRYING TO TURN IT AROUND ON ME FOR SNOOPING IN HIS WALLET (I KNEW HE WOULD DO THAT). HE TOLD ME HE WOULD TELL ME IN TIME BUT THAT NOTHING HAPPENED AND I JUST HAD TO TRUST HIM, AND IF I DIDN'T LIKE IT I COULD JUST LEAVE! THEN HE FINALLY TOLD ME THAT IT WAS HIS BOSS FROM THE NEWSPAPER AND THAT THEY WERE JUST FRIENDS AND THAT SHE ASKED HIM OUT BECAUSE SHE WAS HAVING PROBLEMS WITH HER H AND NEEDED ADVICE ABOUT DIVORCE. HE SAID SHE HAD REALLY HELPED HIM OUT AND THAT HE FELT LIKE HE OWED IT TO HER. HE SAID HE DIDN'T TELL ME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET ME SINCE I WAS PREGNANT AND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING GOING ON SO HE DIDN'T SEE WHAT THE HARM WAS. WELL, I BELIEVED HIM BUT WAS STILL FURIOUS THAT HE LIED TO ME AND COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY. I TOLD HIM THAT HE SHOULD END THE FRIENDSHIP. HE COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY BUT SAID THAT HE WOULD FOR MY SAKE. I TOLD HIM SHE WANTED HIM, AND HE THOUGHT I WAS BEING RIDICULOUS AND ALWAYS SAID WHAT A NICE PERSON SHE IS. THE CELL PHONE WAS FOR ME AND WAS THE ONLY ONE WE HAD. THEN HE MAKES UP THIS STORY ABOUT HOW HIS BOSS FROM HIS DAY JOB WANTS TO BE ABLE TO REACH HIM WHEN HE'S AWAY FROM THE OFFICE SO THEY'RE GOING TO BUY HIM A CELL PHONE AND PAY THE MONTHLY BILL. AT FIRST I BELIEVED HIM, BUT THEN I GOT SUSPICIOUS. AT THIS POINT, I WAS CHECKING THINGS VERY CLOSELY - ALL THE CREDIT CARD BILLS, ETC. I CHECKED HIS WALLET ONE NIGHT AND FOUND A RECEIPT FOR A P O BOX HE GOT THE SAME DAY HE GOT HIS CELL PHONE! THEN I STARTED CHECKING HIS CELL PHONE WHEN HE WAS ASLEEP AND FOUND ALL THE CALLS TO HER! WHEN I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT THIS, HE SAID AGAIN, HE WAS DOING THIS TO PROTECT ME BECAUSE SHE WAS HIS BOSS AND HE HAD TO SPEAK TO HER AT TIMES AND HE KNEW IT UPSET ME TO SEE THE CALLS ON MY PHONE. I WAS SO SICK OF HIM ACTING LIKE HE WAS DOING EVERYTHING TO PROTECT ME! I WAS GOING CRAZY WONDERING IF HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR BUT NOT HAVING ANY HARD EVIDENCE. I WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT HOW THIS WAS AFFECTING MY UNBORN CHILD. WE OFTEN ARGUED ABOUT THIS AND HE ALWAYS TOLD ME HOW HE HAD NEVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND THAT HE COULDN'T LIVE HIS LIFE UNDER A MICROSCOPE. HE HAD EXCUSES FOR EVERYTHING THAT I SUSPECTED. HE OFTEN BROGHT UP DIVORCE IF I COULDN'T TRUST HIM. IT WAS HORRIBLE. WELL, THE BABY CAME AND THINGS WERE A LITTLE BETTER. THEN ABOUT 2 WEEKS AFTER THE BABY WAS BORN, THE OW'S H CALLED ME. HE SAID HE KNEW THEY WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY PROOF. WE TALKED ABOUT EVERYTHING. HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY H UNTIL JANUARY WHEN HIS W TOLD HIM THEY HAD BEEN OUT TO DINNER. SHE TOLD HIM MY H ASKED HER OUT TO THANK HER FOR ALL THE HELP SHE HAD GIVEN HIM. I WAS FURIOUS AND TOLD HIM SOME THINGS HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT, SUCH AS THE CELL PHONE BILL. HE SAID THE REASON HE CALLED ME WAS HE THOUGHT I SHOULD KNOW THAT IF HE AND HIS W GOT DIVORCED, THAT HE WAS GOING TO HAVE MY H SUBPOENAED. I CALLED MY H TO LET HIM KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON. ALL THE SUSPICIONS STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN. BUT THEN HER H LIED TO HER AND SAID THAT I CALLED HIM AND LIED ABOUT THINGS THAT I SAID AND MADE UP THINGS THAT I DIDN'T SAY. HE CONTACTED ME ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, BUT EACH TIME HE WOULD THEN MAKE UP LIES ABOUT WHAT I SAID OR DIDN'T SAY. I WAS VERY FRUSTRATED AND DECIDED I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO TALK TO HIM ANYMORE. I TOLD MY H THAT I WANTED TO TALK TO OW. SHE CALLED ME AT MY REQUEST AND I JUST WANTED TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT ON WHAT I SAID TO HER HUSBAND AND THAT HE WAS THE ONE WHO CALLED ME. SHE ASSURED ME THAT NOTHING WAS GOING ON SEXUALLY BETWEEN HER AND MY H. I ACTUALLY TALKED TO HER A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SHE ALWAYS DENIED IT. HER H CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW THAT SHE HAD MOVED OUT INTO HER OWN APARTMENT AND SAID I SHOULD KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON MY H. HE TOLD ME WHERE HER APARTMENT WAS TOO. I DID DRIVE BY TO TRY TO FIND IT JUST IN CASE. I'M STILL GOING CRAZY AT THIS POINT BECAUSE I KEEP WONDERING IF MY H IS HAVING AN AFFAIR AND I'M JUST STUPID FOR BELIEVING ANYTHING HE SAYS OR IS THERE REALLY NOTHING GOING ON OTHER THAN FRIENDSHIP AND I'M JUST BLOWING IT ALL OUT OF PROPORTION?!?!? WELL, ONE DAY AT THE END OF MARCH MY H CAME HOME FROM THROWING PAPERS AND SAID THAT HE WAS TAKING THE DAY OFF FROM DAY JOB (VERY UNUSUAL) AND WAS GOING TO GO HAVE A GOLF LESSON AND PLAY 9 HOLES AND WOULD BE BACK AROUND 2:30 AND THEN HE WOULD TAKE ME AND THE BABY OUT TO SOMETHING TOGETHER. AFTER HE LEFT, I STARTED GETTING READY AND DECIDED I WOULD DRIVE OVER TO THE GOLF COURSE TO SEE IF HE WAS REALLY THERE. SURE ENOUGH, HIS CAR WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND! SO I DROVE TO HER APARTMENT AND ON THE WAY I JUST PRAYED THAT IF HE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR, TO JUST LET ME GO AHEAD AND FIND OUT. I KNEW IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR ME TO KNOW THE TRUTH THAN TO KEEP WONDERING AND GOING CRAZY. WHEN I GOT THERE, I SAW HER CAR (HER H HAD TOLD ME WHAT SHE DRIVES) BUT I DIDN'T SEE HIS. THEN AS I GOT CLOSER, I COULD SEE HIS PARKED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HERS! THAT WAS THE SICKEST FEELING I THINK I'VE EVER FELT BEFORE. I PARKED MY CAR AND GOT OUT AND KIND OF CHECKED AROUND THE PLACE. NOBODY WAS IN SIGHT. I STILL DIDN'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN WHICH APARTMENT WAS HERS BUT WAS PRETTY SURE. SO I WENT TO THE DOOR AND JUST STARTED BANGING ON IT AND SCREAMING HIS NAME AND THAT I KNEW HE WAS IN THERE! NOBODY CAME TO THE DOOR SO I FIGURED I WOULD JUST WAIT IN MY CAR BECAUSE HE HAD TO COME OUT SOMETIME. HE CAME TO THE BALCONY AND ASKED ME WHAT I WAS DOING. I WENT BACK UP THE STAIRS BUT HE WOULDN'T LET ME PAST HIM. I WANTED TO SEE HER! HE SAID TO GO BACK TO MY CAR AND WE WOULD TALK. SO I DID. HE STILL DENIED THAT ANYTHING WAS GOING ON AND THAT SHE HAD CALLED HIM AND HAD SOME PAPERWORK THAT WAS URGENT SO HE CAME TO GET IT. I ASKED HIM WHY HE DIDN'T CALL ME TO LET ME KNOW AND HE SAID HE DIDN'T THINK ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I WAS LIKE "YOU'RE AT HER APARTMENT. YOU KNOW I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU TO TALK TO HER, AND YOU THINK IT'S OK TO COME BY HER APARTMENT TO PICK UP PAPERS?" WE ARGUED AND THEN HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO HIS GOLF LESSON THAT WAS AT 2:00 (THIS MORNING WHEN HE LEFT IT WAS SUPPOSEDLY AT 9:30). I KNEW HE WAS LYING TO ME SO I PROCEEDED TO GET OUT OF MY CAR. HE ASKED ME WHERE I WAS GOING AND I SAID I WAS GOING TO TALK TO HER. HE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO WITH BABY, AND I TOLD HIM I WOULD TAKE HER WITH ME. HE TOOK THE BABY FROM ME AND TRIED TO TELL ME IT WOULD BE OVER BETWEEN US IF I WENT AND TALKED TO HER. I DIDN'T CARE AND I WENT ANYWAY. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IF SHE WOULD ANSWER THE DOOR. BUT SHE DID AND I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. I AM MUCH YOUNGER THAN MY H AND HE ALWAYS TELLS ME HOW BEAUTIFUL I AM AND HOW HE STILL DOESN'T KNOW WHAT I SEE IN HIM. I AM NOT AS SKINNY AS I USED TO BE BUT I AM BY NO MEANS FAT. I ALWAYS TRY TO LOOK MY BEST BY WEARING MAKEUP AND NICE CLOTHES. AND MY H ALWAYS MAKES COMMENTS ABOUT OTHER WOMEN THAT ARE NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE AND HE'LL SAY THEY'RE "BUTT UGLY" AND I ALWAYS TELL HIM THAT'S NOT VERY NICE. AND A LOT OF TIMES WHEN HE SAYS THAT, I THINK THE PERSON IS ATTRACTIVE OR SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE (I REALLY TRY TO FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE IN PEOPLE - I'M NOT A MEAN PERSON). ANYWAY, THIS WOMAN LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS ABOUT 50 YEARS OLD. SHE LOOKED OLDER THAN MY H. SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME IN THE SUN. SHE DID HAVE ON MAKEUP AND WAS DRESSED NICELY. AND THOUGH I THOUGHT SHE WAS SOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE, SHE LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE MY H WOULD'VE SAID WAS "BUTT UGLY." SHE LET ME IN AND I JUST ASKED HER WHAT MY H WAS DOING AT HER APARTMENT. SHE ASKED ME WHAT HE SAID. I TOLD HER IT DIDN'T MATTER WHAT HE SAID AND I ASKED HER AGAIN. THEN SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THAT THEY HAD BEEN INVOLVED FOR SOME TIME AND THAT SHE WAS SORRY AND NEVER MEANT FOR IT TO HAPPEN. AND SHE JUST STARTED TELLING ME THINGS ABOUT HOW HE HAD COME INTO HER LIFE AT A TIME WHEN THINGS WERE BAD. SHE SAID HER H HAD CHEATED ON HER SEVERAL TIMES AND SHE KNEW HOW TERRIBLE SHE FELT AND THAT SHE NEVER IMAGINED THAT SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. SHE SAID SHE'S NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON. I ASKED HER WHAT SHE WANTED AND SHE SAID SHE HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW. I KNOW I SAID SOME OTHER THINGS BUT I WAS VERY CALM AND NEVER SAID ANYTHING UGLY TO HER. I WAS VERY MUCH IN SHOCK TO SAY THE LEAST. SHE JUST KEPT SAYING SHE WAS SORRY. I LEFT AND MY H WAS STILL SITTING IN HIS CAR WITH THE BABY. I ASKED HIM WHY HE COULDN'T HAVE JUST TOLD ME. I WAS YELLING AT HIM. I WAS SO HURT. HE STILL AT THIS POINT WOULDN'T ADMIT ANYTHING AND THOUGHT I WAS JUST TRYING TO TRICK HIM INTO CONFESSING, LIKE SHE REALLY DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING. I TOLD HIM TO CALL HIS GIRLFRIEND IF HE DIDN'T BELIEVE ME. I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL WE SAID BUT I TOOK THE BABY AND HE SAID HE WAS GOING TO HIS GOLF LESSON! I STARTED TO FOLLOW HIM THERE (IT'S RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR SUBDIVISION) BUT THEN I DECIDED JUST TO GO HOME. HE CALLED ME A FEW MINUTES LATER (I'M SURE HE CALLED OW AND SHE TOLD HIM THAT SHE TOLD ME EVERYTHING) AND SAID HE COULDN'T BELIEVE I DIDN'T FOLLOW HIM. I TOLD HIM THERE WAS NO POINT. WE STARTED TALKING AND HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED HIM TO PACK HIS BAGS. I SAID NO AND THAT I WANTED HIM TO COME HOME SO WE COULD TALK. HE CAME ON HOME AND WE TALKED VERY CALMLY FOR A CHANGE. IT WAS ALMOST LIKE HE WAS RELIEVED THAT I KNEW BUT AT THE SAME TIME I KNOW HE FELT SO GUILTY AND ASHAMED. HE TOLD ME HOW UNHAPPY HE HAD BEEN AND THAT HE FELT LIKE HE WAS THE ONE DOING EVERYTHING AND ALL THE PRESSURE HE WAS UNDER BECAUSE OF OUR FINANCES, ETC. I ASKED HIM SOME QUESTIONS AND I TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY PART IN OUR MARRIAGE NOT BEING WHAT IT SHOULD BE. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GLAD I ASKED HIM TO COME HOME. HE SAID HE HAD BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO END IT, BUT HE HAD TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE SHE WAS HIS BOSS AND WE COULDN'T AFFORD FOR HIM TO LOSE HIS JOB. SO D-DAY FOR ME WAS MARCH 29TH AND I'M STILL AT HOME ON MATERNITY LEAVE. I HAVE ALL DAY EVERY DAY TO THINK ABOUT THIS AND I HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS. HE HATES TO TALK ABOUT IT AND GETS IRRITATED AT ME. I WANT TO GO TO COUNSELING BUT WE CAN'T AFFORD IT. HE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN COUNSELING - THINKS WE SHOULD WORK THINGS OUT OURSELVES. HE DID FINALLY AGREE TO LET ME GO TO COUNSELING (1ST APPT IS MAY 1ST) AND SAID WE'LL FIND A WAY TO PAY FOR IT BUT HE'S NOT GOING. WE HAVE BEEN ON A ROLLER COASTER RIDE SINCE D-DAY. I HAVE NO INTENTION OF GETTING A DIVORCE. I WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE BECAUSE I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM AND I KNOW HE STILL LOVES ME. BUT WE HAVE FOUGHT ABOUT HOW TO DEAL WITH THINGS. HE WANTS TO BASICALLY JUST FORGET ABOUT IT AND THINKS I SHOULD TRUST HIM. HE GETS MAD IF I EVER QUESTION WHERE HE'S BEEN. I'VE TOLD HIM IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF TIME. HE STILL SEES OW ALMOST EVERY DAY. I'VE TALKED TO HER A COUPLE OF TIMES AS WELL. I LET HER KNOW THAT WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORK, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE WOULD STAY OUT OF THE WAY, THAT SHE WOULDN'T INTERFERE. SHE DID TELL ME THAT SHE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM! SHE TOLD ME AGAIN HOW SORRY SHE WAS. I ASKED HER QUESTIONS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME ANSWERS, BUT SOME THINGS SHE DID NOT WANT TO ANSWER. THE LAST TIME MY H AND I ARGUED ABOUT THIS, I TOLD HIM HE HAD TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. HE SAID HE WOULD ANSWER MY QUESTIONS IF I WOULD WRITE THEM DOWN, BUT THAT WOULD BE THE END OF IT - NO MORE DISCUSSION. I TOLD HIM NO WAY AND IF THAT'S THE WAY IT WAS, HE COULD PACK HIS STUFF AND LEAVE. I'VE TOLD HIM THIS SEVERAL TIMES AND I KNOW IT SHOCKS HIM WHEN I DO. I'VE EVEN OFFERED TO PACK HIS BAGS FOR HIM AND TOLD HIM TO GO AHEAD AND MOVE IN WITH OW! HE HAS NEVER LEFT AND WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE THINGS WORK. BASED ON SOME COMMENTS FROM OW TO HIM, I KNOW SHE WOULD TAKE HIM IN A HEARTBEAT AND THAT REALLY BOTHERS ME. HER H HAS MOVED IN WITH HER AND THEY'RE TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT. HE DOES NOT KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE AFFAIR (I'M SURE HE STILL SUSPECTS BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW LIKE I DO) AND I AM NOT GOING TO TELL HIM. HE THROWS NEWSPAPERS AS WELL AND HAS APPROACHED MY H ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS, AND I'M REALLY AFRAID HE MIGHT DO SOMETHING CRAZY IF HE KNEW FOR CERTAIN. BUT OW TOLD MY H THAT WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE, THEY'LL PROBABLY BE FRIENDS AGAIN. I SAID I DON'T THINK SO, AND MY H HONESTLY DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY COULDN'T BE FRIENDS! SORRY SO LONG, BUT I HAVE YET TO TALK TO ANYBODY ABOUT THIS. I WELCOME ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO DEAL WITH MY H AND HOW TO EVER TRUST HIM COMPLETELY AGAIN AND HOW TO GET HIM TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. THANKS

CAC<P>I can appreciate your pain. We all can here at the forum. I don't know that what I have to suggest will be easy to do but...you HAVE to get him to go to counseling with you. There is just no way in the world that you alone can fix the problem with your marriage or with his behavior and no matter how "right" you may be in the things you expect of him or demand of him, he will never "hear" it coming from you. You really need a 3rd party involved...not OW of course, but a trained counselor.<P>I understand he is refusing to go but try anything you can to get him to go inside with you. Just tell him you need him there for support, he doesn't have to talk. Chances are he won't have the guts to stay quiet if the counselor speaks directly to him so he may end up talking as well.<P>With my own H, he, too, didn't want to go to counseling and I pretty much just said "you go or the marriage is over" and that was the end of that discussion. He's been in counseling for 2 months now, isn't wild about the counselor but does agree the sessions help. <P>Please do whatever you must but above all...don't go soft or easy on him. I'm not suggesting that you humiliate him or anything like that, but if he says "no" don't say "okay"..demand it, be firm, go after it. It's my feeling you have to take him by the horns and pull him where you want him to go...such is the case with betrayers in the beginning...I think their sense of guilt is so overwhelming they aren't ready to deal with "it" at the same pace as the betrayed who is hurting.<P>Your H is wrong to continue working with this woman, he's wrong to think they could be friends later on, and he'll be wrong to refuse to do whatever he possbily can to make this marriage work. Counseling can help. <P>I tried to explain to my H the following:<P>When his car is in need of repair, he doesn't have the ability or the tools to repair it himself. Though he is a very intelligent person, he has to take the car to the experts to fix whatever it is that is wrong. On the few occasions when he fixes something on his own, because he hasn't the knowledge of how to do so properly, it often times is but a temporary repair that requires attention once again, sooner or later. Unlike the expert whose work lasts for far longer.<P>The same attention has to be given to problems of infidelity. We can try to fix it on our own, without the proper tools or knowledge, but just like when my H repairs a car, eventually, the need to fix the same problem a second time occurs. But if you take your marital problems to a counselor, an expert, from the start, the counselor is trained and has the proper tools and techniques to help you rebuild your marriage.<P>I hope you can get him in. And for your own protection, listen to what he says, listen to the answers he provides to your questions, but follow your gut. If it doesn't make sense, it's probably a lie. YOu are ready to hear the truth but he wasn't ready to get caught so truth telling for him is going to be very difficult as he was caught off guard. Your discovery is still ongoing as many questions will arise and many answers will be given...but don't assume you are getting the truth. Ask the same question again a few weeks later and you'll likely get a slightly different answer...it's like a slow bleed. Very painful for the betrayed. I'm still finding out the truth after 2 months...and that's nothing compared to other posts in this section. It's not easy to tell all when you are the guy who did it. I can appreciate that. So just be careful about how much you buy into. <P>Best of luck to you in getting him in there with you. But even if you can't, you go yourself anyway. Regardless of what he does with his life, his actions have turned your life upside down and you need to get your own head on straight one way or another, whether he ever does or not. Take care of you, first and foremost...so that you can better take care of baby and your marriage. <BR>

Is There Hope,<P>Thank you so much for your response and great advice. I think after I go to counseling first I will be able to talk him into going. At one point before D-Day he had said he would go with me but he wouldn't talk. I know him better than that, and if he goes, he will talk. I believe he thinks that if he goes, the counselor and me are going to point fingers at him. I know this is not the case, but I think he believes it is. As far as night job, there's just no way for him to give it up because of our financial situation. However, he feels she won't be there much longer. He says she's moving up the ladder quickly and she'll probably get transferred to another location (I'm praying she will! ). Thanks again and God Bless!

cac: What a horrible way to start your baby's new life and for you to be so upset. I can't offer much advise except to tell you to keep posting on the Marriage Builders forum and talk to the others here who can offer you a lot of support and advise. There are several principles such as the policy of joint agreement, Plan A & B and other concepts that work for many.<P>Read all the forums text offered here on the site and buy the book by Dr. Harley and apply them into your life. Have your husband read the book and invite him onto the site so he can post with other betrayers to gain insight into what he is doing.<P>Good luck and God bless.

catnip,<P>thanks for your response and advice. i have the book, but i haven't read it all yet. i feel like i'm obsessing over this, and i know my h thinks i am. but i can't help it, my marriage is at stake along with my kids' lives! i will do whatever i have to to protect them. thanks again!

Hi cac,<P><B>Belated welcome to MB Marriage Builders Forums.</B><P>You have been around here for a few days already so you've probably already read NSR's welcome post at "Just Found". In case you haven't please do, it contains a great summary of what this site is all about with references and links. Just click at this link: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>The most important part of your ordeal is that you know that your H loves you and is willing to work on your marriage. Going to counseling would mean that he'd have to face his own demons and that can be scary for a betrayer. You, despite of your pain and the responsibility of motherhood, are right now the solid rock in your marriage, so you'll have to continue to pull the strings regarding recovery.<P>It takes two to achieve real recovery though, and although getting help makes things easier not going to counseling doesn't necessarily mean that it won't work out. You mention that your H says that you both can work together out of this; try it that way, you don't have to tell him that your knowledge comes from books or this site (don't lecture him either), but you'll be more prepare to negotiate with him.<P>Hang in there and keep posting!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>