Hi everyone ,<P>I have told my story before but this is what has happened . I wasnt meeting my husbands needs and he fell out of love with me.<P>He began finding women on the internet.HE has been having an affair with OW on the internet.Also he is addicted to porn,and possply havig cybersex with another OW.<P>H left this morning.He moved in with his mother. H told me internet OW is moving here,as I suspected she would after the school year.She has children. I have agood relation ship with MIL. I called her, H was sleeping. He told her eventually he would move in with guys from his work.<P>Is our marriage so bad he couldnt stay with me? I cant figure out why he wouldnt move in with OW? I hate to asy this but plan A should be easier with him out of the house, it was getting to the point where we couldnt talk without LBing.Have appointment with Steve on TUES.<BR>iN SHOCK ,WOULD LIKE h TO COME HOME but dreaming I guess.<P>My parents are coming on Mon from out of state.I know this is unrealistic but if H had a change in heart,he will not move home now because my parents will be here.I didnt think of that,just called them out of panic. I am rambling.STill love H ,Iam in pain,dont want a seperation or divorce.please help.bethn

beth,<P>(((((HUGS))))) to you! I know how you feel about not wanting to separate or divorce. <P>A separation could go two ways. It will either make things easier or make things harder. It's just so difficult to tell in most cases. (I'm not too good in the advice dept., huh?)<P>Keep up the plan A if you can. And hang in there! And also, it's not that you're too difficult to live with, it's because he has temporarily lost his mind!<P>More (((((HUGS))))),<BR>Mitzi<BR>

Mitzi, thanks for responding.this is so hard.i am in so much sadness.I just want to curl up in a ball and do something toend the pain.bethn

Beth,<P>Hang in there-for it will all turn out in the end. We all have to go through these tough times in order to find the good at the end.<P>I will say a prayer for you and your H but please know that you are a strong person that can find happiness again.<P>Out of consideration for you I would like to mention that you will find you need to look inside yourself for that happiness. We don't get it from other unless we have it on the inside.<P>You are very lucky to have caring parents. Please do not let yourself believe they alone could stand in the way of reconciliation. <P>Little steps all the way ok?<P>Take care<P>

Beth,<P>You H is just a little insane right now. It sounds like it might be best for you two to spend time apart if you keep LB'ing when you're together. I know it hurts. My W had the EA and we're about to separate for the summer. I can't expressed how much this hurts but I do know that it will end up being the best thing. W and I are on opposite sides of the fence right now regarding our relationship (I want to reconcile, she doesn't right now). She says she needs the time apart to allow her to separate out a lot of issues and think clearly about them. Whether that's true or not, it a sure thing that when this phase is over, we'll both be on the same side of the issue. I just don't know which of us is going to cross over.<P>Fallen_angel is right. We all must look inside for true happiness. Spend some time doing things for your own well-being. Plan A is as much about YOU as it is about your spouse. Focus on things that will make you a happier person. I have begun my journey along this path and the pain seems less, my anger has softened, and I don't see what's happening as the end of the world. Who knows, maybe my W will see the changes in me and decide to try again.<p>[This message has been edited by Gonnatry (edited April 29, 2000).]

Beth,<P>These first few days are so very hard. It's totally okay to do nothing but sit and think and cry. Most of us here have done something like that when we are feeling devastation and shock. The first days are difficult but it does subside and then you will be able to make choices with a clearer head. You don't have to do a damn thing right now but be in shock.<P>Lean on your parents and let them help you when they get there. Do not miss the love and support you need from YOUR family thinking that their presence will inhibit your H.<P>It looks like this is going to take the time many here at MB talk about. Don't expect your H to just suddenly have sense or morals.<P>How about being secure in the knowledge that no sane, moral or rational person moves with their children to be with a married man. There has got to be some HUGE, HUGE lies going on here.<P>Hang on, calm down, scream, lean on Mom and Dad. Make the best of your Tuesday meeting with Steve ....... he will give you hope and guidance.

Beth<P>What you are going through is part of the process. It is the worse thing and the most cruel thing that your spouse could have put you through and take it from one who knows that there is little in life that could hurt more. You must get your mind in the right place to deal with it. You must put a hold on your love bank so that your H cannot withdraw any more units while you deal with an effective Plan A. I cannot tell you how to do that. I can only tell you that it is possible. Your objective is to love your H and to get him back. Keep that upper most in your mind. <P>Once you have committed to that, then start Plan A in the best way possible. It is harder to do after they leave but it is possible. You must figure out his most important emotional needs and then do a Plan A towards those EN's. Try to figure out what the OW is doing because she is working on his most important EN's. Once you figure it out do the things that works on them. Don't expect to get a good response from him. Be very happy to get no response and be excited to get some praise or a thank you. Keep it up and figure out how long you can do it... 6-18 months is and average from what I have read.<P>Keep reading the site especially Plan A, Plan B, His Needs...Her Needs. Vent here, LB here, get counseling, professional or religious or both. Find a friend (female) that is compassionate that you can talk to. Post on this site as you have been often to receive wonder warmth and love. If you are religious then pray...a lot. <P>Remember above all, that almost all (according to Hartley about 95%) affairs die because they are based on lies and deceit. This to me is a comfort because there is a reason for doing all of this.<P>I have done all of these things and I see some signs of it working...little baby steps but I have only been doing it for 2 months. It will take longer and I am not about to give up yet.<P>Love and Prayers!!!<P>J W<BR>

Thanks to all who have replied.The white coats wouldve taken me by now if it was not for you all.<P>Fallen Angel,<BR>Thank you for your prayers!My parents are on their way.Iam trying to be strong.bethn<P>Gonnatry,<BR>I was LBing because I was making selfish demands."Spend time with me"ect.I can not meet H's number one need because he wont let me.His number one need is someone to spend time with"a friend"<P>I hope both of our spouses will join us on "our " side.beth<P>In Shock,<P>Have spent the day talking and crying and being "in <BR>shock"<BR>Iam emotionally exhausted.I think OW is playing it safe because her parents live here too.But how immoral is she to pursue A MARRIED MAN?<P>iAM SURE Steve expected this,he told me to build a strong foundation in case Ow moved here.<P>JWilly<P>THanks for your kind words.H's emotional needs are.<BR>1.Someone to spend time with<BR>2.Physcal attraction and phsical fitness<BR>3.financial support<P>H wont let me spend time with him,"That need OW fullfilled without me knowing it"<BR>I have lost 26 pounds.<BR>Financially he is stisfied.<BR>So about the only need I can fullfill is phsical attractiveness.<BR>IS your S at home still or are you seperated?<P>Iam in shock tonite,hopefully I will be better tomorrow.(I am afraid to go to bed and be alone,because the pain is so intense).bethn

Beth<P>My W left on March 1 and she had a Internet Affair with a man in England. He is here this weekend and they are together right now. She has been there for 12 days one time and is planning another trip the end of May. The more they are together the faster the A will die. That's how I rationalize them together.<P>I am doing plan A as best as I can and as I said there were some baby steps recently. This is a bad weekend for me except that my 17 year old D (6 weeks pregnant.) and I are spending some quality time together for the first time in 3 months.<P>No father and H should have to deal with his only child unwed and pregnant. and a WS at the same time but I am sure I am not the first or will be the last. I love my W so very much!!<P>Things are good and they are bad all at the same time.<P>J W

bethn,<BR>My heart goes out to you. Take the strength you parents will give you... I called my parents when my X "asked me" to leave the first time, and they came and picked me up and took me home.<P>For us, we actually talked like human beings while we were separated. We could actually talk to each other without fighting, and when things started getting too intense, we could walk away and I would go back to my parent's home. We hadn't communicated so much in 2 years as we did in those 2 weeks.<P>Talk to Steve, and work out a plan. Don't give up. My thoughts and prayers are with you....<P>Butterfly<P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

JW,<BR>Iam so sorry you aredealing with all of this.<P>What baby steps have you seen?<P>Glad you are spending Quality time with daughter.bethn<P>Butterfly, Thanks for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I wont give up.bethn

Bethn<P>I so sorry this site has to exist for us but I am thankful it is here. Recently she has said that we could go to lunch just to talk. Communication is one of here needs. So lunch was talking and laughing about things that were pretty much about nothing. It was a good lunch. I have been giving her notes and poetry and love email etc. for quite some time with either no reaction or a statement that I do not have to do those things. I recently got a thank you card for the flowers and Easter basket and diner I prepared on Easter Sunday. It was not signed with the word love but it was a thank you card written in her hand.<P>She has been going to Church and saving a seat next to her. She wanted to spend Easter day with me and the D. And she has been calling on the phone or meeting me in person instead of a sterile email.<P>These are not much. They are little baby steps but they are steps and I am thankful. The affair is only in its first stage and it developed too far along before I new about MB to be successful in stopping it. It is to early for it to die and time is on my side and I truly believe it will die in its time. I just have to prove to her of my love, that I will be here for her, and to show the OM that I am not going away and not going to make it easy for him. I am doing the best Plan A that I can.<P>I still love her more than life itself and want desperately to grow old with her and die in her arms. I hope that you can find a way to do the things that will start little baby steps for you and that they will grow into leaps and bounds back into your arms.<P>Love and prayers for all!<P>J W

Jw,<P>I AM sure my H's EA affair was long underway when I found MB.<P>How did you laugh and have a good time at lunch ,I feel like a basket case?<P>I feel like H needs space now , but would love to send him some love Email in future.<BR>Kind of risky tho because I think telling him that I loved him drove him to leave.He would feel like he had to say "Ilove you TOO"and that was a lie.<P>Iam glad you think affair will die in time.Iguess Iam a pesimist (SpElling?),and I thnk,H's affair will propaply be the 5% that doesnt die.I am afraid of that.<P>Iam glad you are seeing small steps .Yur attitude is great.(wish I had it.)But no matter how crummy I feel inside Iam not going away either.bethn

I am so sorry to hear how hurt you are.<P>It's okay to cry. It doeasn't mean you're not strong. It means you're strong enough to find a way to release the pain.<P>You are a good person. Don't ever forget that.<P>Take a deep beath. Take care of yourself. When you feel your able, start trying to work on Plan A, but don't worry if you can't right now. You're going to be okay. Keep telling yourself that.<P>{{{Hugs}}} --HBC

Hi Hurtbutcoping,<P>I have been crying yesterday,hard .today feel numb and sad,depressed.Got to go to work tomorrow so Ill have topull myself together.Thanhs for your support and hugs.beth