Ok, so it's 50 days later, and I know the following things: I know I should be happy they didn't have sex, or even really come close. I know, beyond doubt, that I failed at the marriage, and that it was my fault she went to him. I realize more than ever that violence towards him didn't and won't make me feel any better. I know that the intimate things she said to him were manufactured by the feelings of tortured rejection by me, the man she did, and still does love. I know that she, from the day I found out, completely cut him off, and now finds it hard to think about him without being sick. And I know, last of all, that she was before, and is again, the perfect wife to me -- loving, patient, just wonderful. She has made a total committment to me, and has forsaken what she terms a "mentally sick mistake." <P>And knowing all that. . .it doesn't make it even one bit easier. I wake up every morning, and lay there and just scream on the inside. The pain associated with everything, from the things she said to him, genuine or not, to the god awful feeling of another man putting his hands on her, and she on him, keeps me up at night and insane during the day. I'm finishing law school and getting ready to study for the bar, and to be honest, I cannot focus, even for a few minutes, on that stuff. It's like this pain is a crutch that my brain just won't let go. And here's my question. . .does it go? I mean, none of us wanted to join this pitiful little fraternity, I know. . .but is there any way to get out of it? I've tried everything. I laid into the other man, that didn't help. I've flirted ridiculously with other women, and come very close to a retaliatory affair. But that didn't help either. Is it fair to say that, short of sticking a gun in my mouth, that this pain won't stop? Should I just be realistic and give up hoping that it will? Compared to a lot of you, I know we have a lot going for us. But I just want this to be over. The pain is too much.

Hi ActusReus -<P>YES - the pain will stop.....<P>One catch though to speed it up!!!<P>YOU HAVE to change YOUR thoughts!!<P>You are choosing to dwell on the visuals and the "wrong" that has been done to you....that keeps the pain active and a definite roadblock for any growth on your part!! As long as YOU keep doing this - the pain will remain and you will not focus on your exams, wife, marriage, any changes you have to make to be a better husband, etc.<P>WHY are you dwelling? YOU have to figure that out? Does it somehow justify for you your own part in this happening? Is it easier in some way to be the "wounded" party instead of starting to do some work on your own behaviors? Are you too self absorbed with your thoughts and feelings to realize that you have learned a very valuable lesson about taking your wonderful wife for granted? <P>None of what I question is meant as any justification for the affair....ABSOLUTELY not!!!! YOUR WIFE realizes this and is more than repentant. But YOU KNOW how this came about.....now YOU have to change it so that it could never come to this again.<P>IT IS NOT ABOUT ONLY YOU....stop making it so or you will lose that wonderful woman!!! YOU ARE BOTH HURTING....so start being of comfort to each other and start thanking God for the lessons that He has taught you!!!!<P>You have been given a second chance to be a great husband, lover and friend to your chosen life partner.....she is not there JUST for you and your happiness or need-filling. START filling some of hers.<P>As you begin to concentrate on doing these things, the pain will ebb....<P>We are the only ones who have control over ourselves...both in actions and with our thoughts. We can turn them into any direction we want!!! IF YOU really want the pain to stop - then CHANGE your perspective and use all that energy with the visuals and pain to your advantage. <P>BECOME PROACTIVE in your marriage and for your own betterment.<P>You CAN DO IT!!!!!!<P>HUGS, PRAYERS & STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

OK, First.<P>YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR SPOUSE'S DECISON TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!<P>Sorry for shouting. My W too has had a EA with a "friend" of mine. While I acknowledge my role in driving us apart, I did not force her into the arms of another. That was her decision. My W has tried in the past to blame me for this whole mess but I refused to accept blame except for those things that I truly did (or didn't do as the case may be). We are about 2 months past D-Day so I'm not much farther ahead of you. I used to obsess about them together but that actually passed quickly. It tore me up and I even tried to spy on my wife to see if I could catch them together. I was insane. I wondered what I would do if I actually found them together, even if only talking. One night, after an argument, I was driving around and thought that a quick twitch of the wheel to the right and into a nearby telephone pole would solve everything. Of course, I resisted it but it really scared me. I seem to "snap" out of my insanity after that and instead of visualizing them together, began to see us together instead. I saw me doing to her and for her the things I neglected to do over the years. The realization of my own role has helped me to not see her as some tramp but as someone in pain who reached out for help to another (just not me). It's my task to show her that I can be trusted with her feelings again and will protect her. She said some very intimate things to him and some very insulting things about me to him and it's real hard not to focus on them. But if I'm to walk the path of recovery and reconciliation, then I must deal with the anger, resentment, grief, embarrassment, and what seems like 1,000 other emotions (sometimes all at once) regardless if we actually remain married. If you are not in counselling, then I encourage you to go. There are many books recommended in the various forums that have helped me.

You have said that you have tried everything. I did not here the most basic fundamental of MB. Plan A....Plan A...Plan A. You need to ask yourself a very important question. One that is very basic but you must ask it and be completely honest with yourself. Do you love your wife beyond life itself? I suspect you do or you would have left 49 days ago. After you make that decision then you must practice during this time of withdrawal the best Plan A that you can. You must do it for two reasons. <P>One you must do it for your wife. Find out what her two most important emotional needs are and practice Plan A specifically for those needs. She needs you to do it because that's probably why she left to start with.<P>Two, you must do it for you. You must force yourself to do the Plan A items over and over until they become an easy thing to do. They must become second nature to you. Your wife will like it tremendously she will start to respond in the same way to you, and you will feel good doing it and all of those negative thoughts that you are dwelling on will leave because your marriage WILL become passionate again.<P>If you don't believe me...read "His Needs...Her Needs". Stop dwelling and start living a passionate marriage. I envy the position you are in. I wish that I could be doing what you should be doing. Read more about where you are in this marriage. See a counselor. Continue to build your marriage.<P>All my Love and Prayers!!!<P>J W

It sounds like your wife really loves you alot. People do things that hurt those they love, but if she's staying with you now and trying to make you happy again it must mean that she cares for you. Maybe your misery stems from the guilt you feel over not loving her as much as you profess. You should really examine your feelings for her and make a decision once and for all as to whether those feelings are strong enough to make you stay. Is the torment and ego problem or does it really stem from the love you have for her?

You might want to read the book called AFTER THE AFFAIR by Abrahms. I think it can help a lot in your situation because it tries to guide both betrayer and betrayed after an affair. It seems to cover most aspects after an affair when a couple wants to reconcile and heal. It'smore focused on how you think and feel psychologically than SURVIVING AN AFFAIR by HARLEY which is more focused on methods.<BR><BR>Good luck!<BR>scandinavian

{{{Actus}}}:<P>I'm a fine one to talk today; I feel so hurt by the fresh wave of junk I found out my H has been doing I just want to crawl under a rock today. But I know it does get better. <P>You have to make yourself better.<P>It doesn't just happen overnight, but you have to convince yourself that you're going ot be better.<P>No, I'm not telling you that you should be happy because your world isn't as bad as mine. Your situation is more than enough to make any rational person sad. What you have to do is tell yourself that You Will Not Let This Destroy You.<P>It is not your fault that your W went to OM. As a husband you may be partially responsible for her happiness, but she is 100% responsible for her reactions to her situation. She could have told you how she was feeling; she could have insisted upon counseling; she could have gone to counseling by herself. She did not. She had an affair. It is not your fault!!!<P>BUT, now you know about the problems in your marriage. Now you know that some of the things you did hurt your wife. You have a choice: live in today or live in yesterday. You can't change yesterday. You can change today.<P>I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. (Any input or suggestions you have would be appreciated. Please see my pitifully titled post, "Please Help Me.") The only thing I know for certain is that what I do today will be different from what I did in the past. Whatever path I take, it will be of my own choosing. <P>You need to choose a path that doesn't rehash the past or look for just retribution. You'll never find it.<P>Good luck, Actus. You can pull through this. One way or another, everyone in this pitiful little fraternity will. --HBC