WEll it's been over 3 months now and my h is still living with OW. <P>This time of year is tough because my kids play baseball and I am forced to see my h at least 2-3 times a week at the games. He will always come over to say a quick hello and talk about arrangments for the kids for the next few days then go stand on the opposite side of the field while I sit with everyone else including his family. <P>I heard thru a friend that the ow is being extremely possessive of my h. She made him get a cell phone and apparently, she calls him all the time. He was even in a coaches meeting the other day and she called him. She leaves notes on his car when she can't disturb him. Everytime I see him he is on the phone. <P>Also, my h car broke down and she convinced him to go lease a car and it had to be a big car because she gets car sick in small cars. <P>When I hear stuff like this, it kinda makes me feel good in a way because it just reaffirms how hooked, addicted and infatuated he truly is with her. <P>We were together 19 years and I never ever acted like that at all. I would never call him at his job constantly. I also was a believer in getting a car that suit your purposes. I was not a possesive wife at all. <P>There has also been a few days when it was his turn to have the kids where he bought them to one of his family members to watch them so he could go out with ow. Even yesterday at my kids opening day Little League parade, he didn't show up. The first time in 6 years he missed it. I just know the OW made him stay with her because she knew later on that he was to get the kids for the night. She is not allowed to be around my kids because of all of the harrassing she did to us. Last week on our 12 year anniversary, he has the kids and he bought them to his brothers house and went car shopping with Ow. YUCK! He never even acknowledged our anniversary and instead spent the entire day with her. I am sure she knew what that day was.<P>At any rate, mentally he is so far gone. He just found out his father has cancer and his reaction to that was he'll be fine. He didn't even care to listen to his parents explain what the operation would consist of. His sisters are so upset by his lack of concern. <P>I have always thought that when something bad happens in his life, his way of dealing with it, is to just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. I wonder if that is why he treats me as coldly as he does. I never did anything wrong to deserve this type of behavior. He agress with me and he tells his lawyer and counselor that he loves me but he can no longer deny his STRONG feeling for the OW. He is willing to throw away everything for her. Why does a man walk out on a mariage of 12 years to a woman he admits he still loves. We had a very healty sex life up until the week he left as well. A man who has 2 wonderful kids he adores.<P>WHY? WHY? WHY?<BR> <P>None of this makes sense to me. I struggle every day to find answers to my situation and everyday I come up empty handed. <P>Do you think my marriage has a chance of surviving? I can't do plan A because I rarely see him although with baseball now I will see him more often. DO you think I should just be sweet as pie to him. Or, would it be better to just acknowledege him and stick to more of a plan B??<P>Any advise is helpful. THANKS<P><BR>

missy,<P>It's not a hopeless situation, but it is difficult. My H has been gone for a little over 4 months. There are some here whose spouses were gone longer and did come back. <P>If you feel you are losing you love for your H, it might be time for Plan B. Plan B is protecting that love. If not, keep doing plan A whenever you can. Make him feel safe with you.<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Mitzi is right,<P>Your situation is far from hopeless. In fact, based on your accounting of current events (possessive OW, constant demands, your husband being asked to do things that are normally against his thought process like a big car.....) -- based on all that, seems to me that with each passing week the odds get closer to shifting back to your favor. That is, as long as you stay in a great Plan A - forever. Your husband must see that you and the family are "safe" to come back to, and that appropriate changes have been made (ridding yourself and the family of the things that may have contributed to him leaving - changing YOU where appropriate).<P>Ironically, the fact that he somewhat dismissed his Dad's illness is a good sign (a horrible thing to do, but a good sign for you). Why? Because it's a slam-dunk absolute definite sign that your husband is very much living in an intoxicated state - the affair being the intoxication. He's not himself - not at all. And, in almost all cases, the wayward spouses that live in intoxicated states eventually come down out of the clouds and remember who they are. But it takes time, more for some than others, and it takes a ton of really tough patience on our (your) parts.<P>No, it's not hopeless at all. Not by a long shot. Keep loving.<P>SamH

Hey, Missy - just a word of encouragement here!!!<P>Robert was living with PT for six months. I rarely saw him, rarely talked with him. He didn't even call our daughter!!<P>PT acted a lot like you OW is doing. Trust me - that's the beginning of the end. No one wants to live that way. She'll be the best help you've got in removing the blinders from his eyes. Just let her do it!!! <P>I'm a Plan A diehard! Never quit it, couldn't even imagine trying Plan B. <P>And it worked. He's home. We're doing great! Looking forward to every single day together.<P>It's not hopeless. You just hang in there.<P>Love and hugs.<P>Lori

Missy, I think your H is running, running, runnning. From what we don't exactly know yet. Fear of aging? death???? who knows. He definately needs counseling, but as we know ...you can lead a horse to water....(you know the rest)<P>But, there is a little "sign" here. This is not really MB, but more of "divorce busting's" solutions.<P>Maybe his "current" most important need is to be really needed... You know possessed!!!! Do you think that he felt you took him for granted because you DIDN'T do the things that OW is doing for him???<P>I bet if you asked my H, he would say that. The OW in my case ingratiated herself to my H. I think I made my h feel imp. and loved but she made him feel MORE imp. and MORE loved. These men are definately emotionally needy. In both of our cases the OW are insecure. In my case the OW's H is on to the situation. <P>And his family immediately began giving him a hard time about the OW. Telling him that she had her own agenda (which she did).<P>IT definately slowed him down, as did counseling. I still see his confusion, but I really try to verbalize my appreciation more than I ever did before. My H really needs to be admired for what he does.

tootrusting,<BR><P><BR>My H too needs much admiration. Only when I complimented him over phone last night, he said, "It used to mean a lot to me when you said those things."<BR><P><BR>H is saying he will hate me unless I agree to sign papers (D). <BR><P><BR>I am continuing to do Plan A whenever I can.<BR><P><BR>However, I may take offense and petition for D before he does. Purpose? To preserve what good thoughts he may still have for me. Also, he D his first 2 wives, so this would <BR><BR>be a 'new' situation. I'm sure this may be dangerous, but divorces can be put away if God intends things to work out together.<BR><P><BR>Am confident OW is being pushy, since she has no marriage to deal with. Or he may be afraid he will lose her.<BR><P><BR>She sees him nightly at theatre rehearsal, so <BR><BR>has many opportunities to deposit her lu.<BR><P><BR>Should I hold off on the petition???????<BR><BR>It has been 2 1/2 months since I found out.<BR><BR>Ea started in fall of 1999, and became physical Feb. 17,2000.<BR><P><BR>Any thoughts out there?<BR><P><BR>Your letters are a big encouragement, because I know I am not alone. <BR><P><BR>God bless you all.<BR><BR>Committed<BR><P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Committed