Lori,<P>You mentioned in another post that you always said, "I love you", and you always hugged. Yet you also said that at one point Robert was saying things like he wished you were dead - yet he let you tell him you loved him with out lashing out at you?<P>I don't know how much is the influence of the OW, and how much is my H, but Plan A seems to have completely backfired in my case. The longer he is gone, the more he hates me - and he has been gone over a year. I still love my H, and he should know it, but everything I do or say seems to make him more filled with hate. I once sent him an email card - and he told me never to do that again. Initially I asked if it was ok to send him email letters and he said yes, but now he doesn't want to discuss anything except the kids and divorce. Months ago, when I signed the card "Love", he responded by saying he didn't love me. <P>They say the fantasy fades, but his anger at me just keeps increasing and increasing. I know I never did anything to deserve this. He blames me for things that exist only in his mind. I must admit that I am jealous of those people on this board whose betraying spouses say that they want to remain friends. It is horrible to be hated so much, for no reason, and for so long.

Hi, Nellie. Sweetie, you've had such a hard time....<P>Yup, Robert said all those things. Wished I had died in an accident so that he could be freed from the "pits of hell". I didn't even know we had a bad marriage. He didn't want to be friends, never even wanted to talk to me for a while, if he didn't have to.He was hard and cruel and horrible!<P>Didn't call or visit our daughter. Provided NO financial support. Cussed and screamed and was an absolute BEAR for a while. I had made his life miserable for 10 years and he was getting out while there was still time to save himself. I could go on and on...<BR>He certainly didn't want to be friends!!!<P>But, Nellie, this wasn't like my husband. He's a loving husband, devoted father, excellent provider, sensitive and caring person. Or he always HAD been. Sure, he hated conflict, most people do, couldn't stand the thought of hurting people ('cept me during this mess!!). I just focused on reaching the man I had known for 15 years, not this monster that was in front of me.<P>I didn't discuss us, or his relationship with PT. I didn't discuss his responsibility as a father. I didn't talk about the problems we were having (except once when Kristin was having a hard time). I ACTED like we were friends, even when he pushed me away. Something was definitely toturing him to bring out this strange behavior and I was determined to love the man I knew he was inside, not the one that I was face to face with (although rarely!).<P>In my first letters, I only told him "news from home". About D, funny stuff. Just ended with "I love you". I never asked questions, nothing. He rebuffed my first "I love you's" when he would hang up or leave. I told him I realized he didn't love me right then, but I loved him and believed in him and I would continue to do so. When he commented that I was still wearing my rings when our marriage was pretty much over, I just told him I was married to the man I loved and I always would be in my heart, divorce or no divorce. I believed in me, I believed in him and I believed in what our marriage COULD be, not what we had turned it into. He looked disgusted and shook his head, but then, very quietly, he said "thank you, Lori". And then he ran - again.<P>I don't KNOW why it worked for me, Nellie. I really don't. Even though I didn't post it all, Robert was as cruel as anyone here. He brought PT to our home, took her to our doctor. Drove 60 miles to take her places in THIS little town where I had to face people. But, after all those years together, I knew that just wasn't HIM.<P>Sure, all these qualities exist in all of us. None of us are completely good or bad, but a mixture of the two, tempered by compassion and conscience. I believe that periods of great stress (and this was DEFINITELY stress) many times bring out the WORST in us and it's hard to control sometimes.<P>So, no matter what he said, what he did, I believed in the man that I KNEW was inside. That's the man I prayed for, that's the man I said "I love you" to and that's the man I hugged. And I was pushed away, put down, hated and pretty much spat on for a while. But that man reappeared!!!! I don't know why.<P>And now he's back. More or less. He's a bit different...still stressed a bit from the guilt - he beats himself up constantly. We're working on that. I don't want him to feel guilty. Right now he's a loving and wonderful husband - he's grown a lot from the pain as well. All that matters to me is that we keep down THIS path, I don't want either of us to suffer any longer from this ordeal. It's over, we've learned - end of story.<P>I do think about you, Nellie. I worry pretty much. I know how hard it's been for you and your kids, too.<P>Please remember, my prayers are with you.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Lori,<P>Thanks for taking the time to respond. I wish I knew what, if anything, I could do differently. Even if he doesn't come back, I can't co-parent with someone who interprets absolutely everything I do in a negative light. <P>He doesn't let me talk/write to him about anything that doesn't directly have to do with the kids "health and welfare". I could live with his apparent ignoring of my email, but more recently he began to respond to anything I say by further and further restricting allowed topics of conversation. Apparently problems with the kids' pets, the house - everything is off-limits. <P>He used to be a different man, too - he seemed to care deeply about his family, or at least he pretended to. I am beginning to wonder if that was all a front and this cruel man is the real him, now that it has gone on for over a year and he is becoming more and more cruel.