I read the post about there being so much hate on MB nowadays so I apologize in advance if my post offends anyone. <P>I need any and all support. If you know anything about me lately I have been dying to know the WHOLE truth about my H's affair. Now I have it. What he said was a three time sex fest with a stranger and was over eight months ago was really an eight month love affair with the local whore which did not end until 3 1/2 weeks after he first confessed. And after it supposedly ended he still saw this person at his old workplace (goes to see his brother - in addition to his whore) and called there frequently to ask to speak to his brother. Since she is one of two secretaries in the whole joint there was a pretty good liklihood that he would get Whore #1 on the line. <P>He confessed all this and has begged me to take him back. Says he is sorry blah blah blah. I made him go with me the other night to the whore residence. I don't know what I was planning. He just had told her that day that he was going to tell me the whole truth, she got pi**ed, hung up on him. Whatever. He had told her before (supposedly) that it was over and she knew that he had told me a big lie and did not reveal her identity. She is afraid I would cause her to lose her job, nose, whatever. So I guess I just wanted to hear him tell her it was over. So he did. Told her he loved me, it was over, he wanted to work on his marriage, sorry he had wronged her. I proceeded to have a monologue with her about - get this - God's love for her. <P>Now this woman is, I must say, complete trash. Judgmental, condescending of me I know, but these are just the facts. Line up every woman in our town and she would be chosen top ten finalists for Most Trashy. Dresses like a whore, talks like a whore, IS a whore. Has had sex with three other married men there and one other guy there that is common knowledge. Had a baby at 14 or 15, is an alcoholic, chain smoking, belly button pierced, bad dye job blonde whore. (Nothing against blondes, I am blonde too. Only mine is real.) You know, when he first told me about the imaginary woman, I thought this person must be so great. She must be so much prettier than me. Such a great personality. So stylish, witty, engaging. How could I ever measure up? Not true. Well, at least there is peace in knowing that if you lined up all the MEN in town, the majority would choose me. That is, all except my husband. I don't say that to be conceited. That is just the fact. It wouldn't take much to outdo her, trust me. My dad, who knows her, described her as flirty and seductive. She flirts with my 62 year old father. GROSS. I'm telling you people, she is a whore. Anyway...<P>When we confronted her I busted in like - I don't know what I was going to do. I've never hit anyone in my life. And then suddenly I saw her and all I felt was pity. At that moment, I swear, I just felt sorry for her. She has such a pathetic existence. After my H's brief convo, I finally said gently and calmly, "How could you do this to me?" She said,"I am sorry. I really am." I said, "No you're not. But, I am sorry for you. I feel so sorry for you that your life must be so empty that you could do this. That you have so much hate inside you and that you think so little of yourself that you think this is all you deserve. Well, you deserve better." She said, "No, I don't." I said, "Yes you do. Not because I say you do (because you know I don't think that!) but because God says you are worth more. I proceeded to tell her what God pressed upon my heart to say. Shared the gospel, told her I was trying to forgive her as God has forgiven me. Told her she should pray for forgiveness and to find God in her life. Told her what she needed was the love of God. He loved her. And that is what she needed, the love of God, not a man. Especially a married man (men in her case) with small children. Told her marriage is sacred and she has no idea what she violated. Then we left. She slammed the door. Don't think the message was very well received. But, I did what the Holy Spirit led me to do, because me personally, I do not posess the kindness to say a civil word to her. So that was that. <P>I don't feel the same compassion for my H. These past two months since he first fake-confessed have been the hardest in my life. I have been suicidal, hence the pen name. I have been NONfunctional as a mother. No eating, sleeping, you know the drill. We have been in counseling once a week for the past two months, working on a LIE!!! I have read about four books on adultery, putting the marriage back together, His Needs etc. I have been on this website daily trying to survive. All for a lie. Not only is the affair SOOOOOO much worse than he initially portrayed, but it has still been going on!!!!! I have been locked in the closet, catatonic, and he has continued to spin a web of lies. I have given my heart and soul to this recovery. I really have. And this betrayal just is so COMPLETE. He was letting me spin my wheels trying to find this nonexistant woman. I can't begin to explain all he has lied about. Even took me to a make believe apartment in Houston and said she had lived there. Made up conversations they had, sexual facts, basically every conversation we have had has been a total lie. And I thought we were recovering. HA!!!! He could even sit in the pastor's office, lie to the pastor, and to me. So, now I just feel that it is hopeless. He is crazy. He IS crazy and that is what I tried to tell the cops at my house this morning. <P>Told him all night what a failure, loser, disgusting person he is. Told him I hate him and can't stand the sight of him. Can't stand to even see his hands on my baby because it grosses me out. He started this whole affair while I was eight months pregnant. ANYWAY... Told him it was SO OVER. He begged me to try. Cried, pleaded, the whole nine yards. You know, I have HEARD ALL THAT BEFORE. And he still could go and have sex with her. So I have no faith in him. NONE. So, he starts pulling out the life insurance policy. This is getting way long. Said he was going to kill himself etc I called the cops who were NO HELP. He is at his moms. I removed every item he owns from the house and threw them in his boat in the garage. He called. Told him he could pick up stuff tomorrow. I see a lawyer at 11:00. I can't still love this man can I? I don't even know him. I NEED ADVICE, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Dead inside<BR>Slow down okay?<BR>This feels like the end of the world right now. You lost it! Not surprising with what you have been through. <BR>Take some deep breaths though okay?<BR>Yep! Been there. Not proud of it but I have been.<BR>Nothing is irreversable. <BR>This was a terrible shock. Our spouses have programmed themselves to lie. This has become a habit.<P>Now, Did he volunteer this information?<BR>If he did, then I think that after you calm down you might see things a little differently. If he offered the truth there was a reason. The truth is what we want. This was a big one but it doesn't have to be the end of the world or your marriage.<P>The truth is a good thing. Let this one sink in. Take a bath. If he has threatened suicide let his Mom know. Whether you think you can love him again (and I think you can) you don't want him to do something drastic. You remember how that feels. <P>Keep talking!<BR>I have to go for a bit but will check back in.<P>This can be a good thing. But you will both have to fix it. I know you probably think I'm nuts but I believe this because I was on your end. I had several major blows during my ordeal. Yes I kicked H out. Yes I Lost it big time! About a year ago! <BR>Honey if you could see where we are today....<BR>Just slow down okay? This is one of those major blows and they suck!!! With a capital S. But there will be recovery from it.

Hi Dead Inside -<P>First you MUST calm down....gosh, what a day for you....<P>DEEP BREATHS!!!!!<P>Yes, he has lied and lied and lied....an awful way for him to treat someone he loves. Selfish, cowardly, crazy, immoral, deceptive, hurtful, etc...etc..<P>But you know what? HE IS JUST LIKE most of the betrayers we are dealing with!!!<P>Not too much crazier or a bigger liar than the ones we have....<P>So - my question for you to ponder is -<BR> <BR>Since most of them act just like your H, wouldn't it make sense that this is all part of infidelity and the addiction that it entails and is not such a "personal assault" on you?<P>You are making a very serious and permanent decision about your life with or without your husband while in the highest emotions you have probably ever had......is that wise? Is it any different then him deciding to do what he did cuz he was on some "emotional high"?<P>That is basically what he did, you know!!! He made very bad choices while in an emotionally confused state!!! <P>What you BOTH need to do is take a little sit back and think time....then approach each other and figure out what led to his bad choice!!!!<P>When you guys figure that part out - then you discover ways to work out whatever problems there were/are between the two of you......<P>That is what people need to do in a relationship!!! It is not about running from a hard situation (what H did) or about pushing away someone we love because they hurt us (what you are doing)!!!! LIFE and GOD depend on US learning, growing and gaining strength THROUGH hardships such as this.<P>If you wash your hands of the man you "love" over an addiction (which entails LYING as a main symptom) that he acquired because of a highly emotional confusion resulting in a bad choice - where is your understanding, compassion, forgiveness and LOVE for the man in the first place? Would you oust your child, mother, father, brother, best friend, etc....if they did something wrong? OR would you do all in your power to help them pick themselves up and do better?<P>Just think about things, OK? YOU are way to emotional and you need to find some perspective for all this!! YOUR situation is not UNIQUE!!! What will make some GOOD come out of this - will be the way you both handle things from now on......this is the TRUE test - TAKE TIME and heal some before you attempt to take such a test.<P>BIG HUGS,PRAYERS & STRENGTH to you both,<P>Sheba <P>

Thank you wasstubborn. I have been frantic wanting someone to reply. <P>Did he volunteer the information, you ask? Welllllll, I had found out no one by the fake name ever lived in those apartments he took me to, I had determined through private investigators that no one by that fake name has ever registered a vehicle or voter's registration card in the STATE OF TEXAS. I had ordered detailed billing from his cell phone, which he intercepted and put a password on the account, making me more suspicious. In counseling the pastor got him to agree to order the detailed billing for me as a way to establish trust. He was freaking out because he knew what it would reveal. The pastor said he would help me hire a "professional" to track down this mystery woman, so I could have closure. I think the pastor just knew H was a lying jerk and was pushing him into a corner. I had told the pastor I was through trying. Wouldn't watch the "communication" tapes or write the anonymous letter to OW as he suggested. Told the pastor in counseling that I saw no need to try when he wasn't being completely honest. So, the pastor got him to agree to all of that. So basically his lies caught up with him. Yes, he told me all the info on his own, but not without the pastor telling him to back order detailed billing and let him hire an investigator. H claims he told me the REAL truth because he finally realized that I was not going to move forward until I knew the truth. Honestly, he would have kept lying if the pastor hadn't have pulled his teeth out. So, did he volunteer the info? You be the judge.

Sheba, I love it when you write back to me. I just have this question... he was on an emotional high for eight months? He said he thought he loved her. Loved both of us. Says now he realizes never loved her, it was an "illusion" - he has picked up the lingo... That he loves me. Wants only me. Wants our family. Whatever whatever whatever. I have heard this all before. I don't believe one word out of the man's mouth. Not to mention, did you not catch how GROSS this person is? He loved HER? Give me a break! Something is wrong with him, I am telling you.

I don't have much to add to the others. However, we see often that the betrayer tells pieces of the truth. Why? Maybe because they don't want to hurt you. Maybe because they don't want to let go. I don't know.<P>Maybe now the whole truth is out. You have a decision to make. And it is not a good idea to make it while you are emotional.<P>I have been to the same place. When wife told me, I got up and hit her. Spent the night in jail. The charges were dropped, but she has it in her mind that I could do it once, I may do it again.<P>Don't make decisions that may hinder your getting back with H. Or that may adversely affect the rest of your life.<P>Good Luck

DeadInside<BR>I understand your reasoning.<BR>Sometimes these guys NEED a reason to tell the truth. No matter how much they may want to they NEED a reason. It is so much easier for them to put it off even though they know it is the only solution. The pastor's involvement gave him that reason. He may have wanted to but didn't have the courage.<P>I love my H dearly but he is a coward. They have messed up so badly that they can't get out themselves. It seems so simple to us. Tell the truth, get it over with. They are afraid. Plain and simple. They are ashamed.<P>Now, if this woman is what you saw then he certainly would be ashamed of falling for that wouldn't he? Do you think he would want you to know?<P>When I read your description of the OW I thought " Oh my gosh it's the bimbo!"<BR>I met the bimbo 8 years ago. I saw what you described immediately (minus the belly ring) All my H saw was a poor little thing who needed help. My MIL saw it. Every woman I know saw it.<P>'nough rambling.<BR>What I'm trying to say is that these women appeal to them because of some insane reason we will never understand. <P>The bimbo is 4 years older than me, stupid, slutty.....<BR>But she made my H feel needed for 7 years and then he slept with her and had a7 month affair.<P>Girl, listen to Sheba. Calm down. Don't try to understand what planet your H is on becuase there just isn't a map to it.<P>Hang on!<BR>Wassi

Hi Dead Inside -<P>Mine told me the same and plenty more..<P>There's a whole thread in the notable section with tons of the same BS they all say......we think that they get a handbook and must sit through some of those Brainwashing subliminal message sessions.....like in a cult or something!!!! I SWEAR!!!! LOL!!<P>Look Hon, my H has been doing this crap for three years now....<P>He's gone from lying to telling to lying to telling to totally denying that he ever admitted anything!!!! Talk about CRAZY!!! I have the KING of the "Whack-A-Doodles!!!!" He would try to convince me that the sky was green and the grass was what was blue!!! <P>It is only now that he even says anything about what has really gone on within his head all this time....and those "bits" that are starting to come out are not even scratching the surface of all the confused mess he has going on. <P>YOUR situation - even though you feel it has been an eternity is not all that long......if you both handle this well, with an eye on the goal of this nightmare NEVER happening again - than you can have a better, more secure and more satisfying marriage than either of you ever dreamed....<P>That is why learning these Harley Techniques are SO IMPORTANT!!!!! They work and are necessary for EVERYONE to know and implement!!! I wish they were taught in school!!<P>If we don't take time to ask ourselves WHY people do what they do and only REACT to what they have done without a thought of the "why" - we would never learn anything....let alone grow with each other in a true relationship.<P>Think about it - we would just be ping-pong balls!!! Like - you hurt me so I will throw it back at you...doesn't make to much sense, does it?<P>Hang In and let yourself process the pain a bit....try to REASON the whys of his actions. We can deal with the what to do nows later.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited April 30, 2000).]

Thanks grand. <P>Actually, he did hit me in the leg. It was after I kicked him in the balls, he fell to the ground and I was hitting him on the head with - I don't even know what. One of the many things I had ripped off the walls. Not one of my finer moments. <P>You know, I am so NOT concerned with hindering a reconciliation. That is all his job now. I am so done with trying at this point. He needs to decide what he wants and let him do all the work for a change if I am what he wants.

Dear Dead Inside...<P>I can relate to everything you said... EVERYTHING!! I swear it was alot like reading my own story. I feel like I could write a novel, I am sure you feel the same way yourself.<P>But this is what I have to say to you. I discovered my H's affair about a month or so after it started. I immediately threw him out. He continued to see her and they were making really big plans. Although we still saw each other, we fought and we loved. Very confusing mixture under the circumstances.<P>We were separated for a about six months and then we got back together and I thought we were united in working for the good of our family. But he too, continued his affair. It wasn't until about 1-2 months later that I found out that the affair had been ongoing. I had several clues but was just waiting to see what happened. Basically because I had read that it was very possible for this to happen.<P>Well... the world came crashing down and my H saw this OW for what she was and no longer had any respect for her. Withdrawl was still very hard and that was the hardest thing in the world to see and watch. But we made it through and we are still together today.<P>We still have good days and bad days but the bad days seem to be getting less frequent. I won't lie to you! It isn't easy but you can recover. I have been haunted by words spoken, visions, thoughts, nightmares and memories but I look at it like this; I probally would have been haunted by them anyhow.<P>There are days that I wonder if I will find myself in this situation again? Ask myself if I can really trust him to not break my heart again? Times when I wonder if I have lost my mind for trying? <P>But... There are also times when we laugh, we love, we watch our children with joy, when he has spoken his regret and stupidity, when he has came to me and told me how much he loves and appreciates me. And his most recent gift... was a diamond ring for no real special occasion. Just an I love you!<P>So you see... it will be just like anything, there will be good and bad in everything. The key is to concentrate on the right moments and not to give more credit to the bad ones than they deserve.<P>Should you get a divorce? I can't answer that. Should you try and at least see if your marriage can be good again? If you love him, and I tend to think you do. Because I know what that feeling is like. Its discovery day all over again!!! And you are hurt, angry, confused, in shock, in disbelief and not quite certain of your own ability to judge the situation accurately.<P>I felt all the same things, but it can work. I hope you will just not make any hasty moves that you may regret later. Might I suggest that you spend a little time in prayer and ask for instructions?<P>I know this has been very long and I apologize for that but your post touched my heart in a very deep place and I just had to share our success. I wish the same for you and your husband.<P>Genie29

Thanks ya'll. <P>Okay, but the thing is this. I did all the Harley stuff! His big thing is (well who really knows at this point)... What I thought he said he needed was A)more sex, so bingo, I have had sex with him every day since discovery. (Which I must point out that this means we had sex with him on the same day. SOOOOOOO GROSS) B) He needs to feel needed, admired, etc. I have done my best on that one. But, I'm sorry, what is to admire when someone tells you they have cheated on you? <P>Yeah, she played the needy part well. She is a single mom, struggling to make ends meet. Just not as hard as she is struggling to get into the pants of married men. She told him on many ocassions how lucky I am that I get to stay home with my kids. She even told him what a nice-looking family we have! But, he fell for the pity routine. He would come home telling me her sob stories. She has another married man that she used to date paying her bills for heaven's sake! My husband complained that all I wanted him for was a meal ticket and I didn't care about him. She is the one who was just looking for a meal ticket! I have a college education and could get a job in a heartbeat. I don't need his money. And she cared about him? Yeah, so much so that she wrecked his family, caused him to lose everything, gave his three year old child stomach problems which have been diagnosed as emotional. Oh yeah, she cared about him. Does this man have a brain in his head? I'm thinking no. He says she made him feel important. She made him feel like he was the best thing that ever happened to her. If you are a piece of trash stuck to the bottom of the trash can and you look over and tell whoever is next to you, "You are the best thing that ever happened to me." How could that make someone feel good? And I just treated him like the REAL JERK that he has been to me and my children. He would come home from work and totally ignore us. Dodge the kids so he could see the tv. Then get pi$$ed when I did not want to have sex with him. All this while he is going on his lunch break to the whore apartment. IT IS UNFATHOMABLE, I tell you. <P>But, I tried to make it all better. He was being a better father. Meeting my needs - well, all except for, uh, not sleeping with someone else, not calling her anymore, not going places where he knows she is, or not calling places where it is her job to answer the phone. OTHER THAN THAT, he has been working on meeting my needs. And for nothing. Because this whole recovery is a lie. It is such a joke. It did no good for me to meet his needs. All it did was give me more exposure to the venereal diseases that probably plague her "customers". He said, "Recovery is just beginning for me." It just makes me sick now to even hear the lingo out of his mouth. I have been saying it FOR REAL for two months. And NOW he wants to jump on the bandwagon. Well, I want to jump off!!!!!!! <p>[This message has been edited by Dead Inside (edited May 01, 2000).]

Thanks Genie. I am happy for you that things are working out. I wish the best for ya'll and hope that you never have to go through this pain again. <P>For me, I just feel like it is too much. I have agonized over every detail of this fake affair. Dreamed about it. Searched for this woman. Obsessed on every detail he concocted. Lie lie and double lie! You are right, it is like discovery day all over again. I just feel like I am past the point of no return with him. It is like discovery day for my son all over again. The three year old with the emotional problems. He has spent the day on the floor having diarrhea. My heart breaks for him. I HATE my husband and this woman for the pain they have inflicted on my innocent child. I just feel SO DONE with him.

That's it...keep venting all that anger.<BR>This is what you really need to do at this moment. Only after it is abated a bit can you feel some calm.<P>I completely understand what you are saying about the "recovery" being a lie!! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!<P>BUT, it wasn't "recovery" at all!!! It was only an initiation (in H's mind) that was needed to allow himself to see that things at home with you can get better!!! AND IT WORKED!!!! THE END of the affair did come about albeit not completely by him!! (then again, remember the COWARD part of all this)<P>Maybe he is just tooooo weak to DO anything about cleaning up this mess and copping to his lies!!! Too much shame. Too much guilt!!! He is bound to go through a lot of his own pain with what he has done. I GUARANTEE that he will soon be (if not already) beating his own head against a wall trying to figure out "what" and "why" he has done all this!!<P>If you think that you are in pain, think about what it would be like to have to face all of this bad behavior and realize that you aren't such a great person!!! That you may have something wrong with you....<P>Could you imagine? <P>At least you know who you are and have control over what you have done through this....he does not and lost control starting with the very thoughts in his head at the beginning of this hell!!!<P>You said something about he is going to have to do everything to fix this from now on......please tell me that that is the anger talking!!! Nothing will be fixed in a "partnership" with only one working......<P>True recovery is a slow process that begins with analyzing, learning and changing. ON both parts.....<P>HUGS and gotta go to bed now...will check on you tomorrow!!! Try to sleep, you need some rest.<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Okay, last post Sheba, and then I am going to sleep. Well, to bed anyway. What is sleep? <P>I know it takes two to work on a marriage. I don't know if I want that anymore. I don't trust that he does, even though that is what he says. (Have I mentioned that he tends to lie?)<P>He has a lot to prove to me. I don't think I am wrong in that. I tried the recovery hand in hand jazz. That got me SCREWED OVER BIG TIME. Nope, not going down that road again so soon. <P>HE can read some books, do some praying, spend some time away from us and see what it is that he was so willing to throw away. I want him to go to sleep every night without kissing his children. I want him to wake up and not see the smiling baby face of my eight month old daughter. I want him to feel the consequences of his choices. I think he needs that. There's a need for ya. <P>I don't know if it can ever work out or if I even want him anymore. Don't know what I would have if I did take him back. What I do know is that I would have a lying, cheating, adulterer. It just does no one any good for him to be here and for my son to feel the hatred. Not to mention it is hard to live in the same house with someone who the sight, smell, and sound of makes you want to hurl. <P>And by the way, what does LOL mean? <BR>Love our Lunatics? Land of Locusts? Life of Liars? Lancing or Lethal Injection? I like the last one - I am from Texas, you know. Night. <p>[This message has been edited by Dead Inside (edited May 01, 2000).]

Hey Girl, <BR>I've been wondering about you. I guess I got my answer. Boy have you ever been busy with this mess. Now that you really know the truth I guess it's a whole new ballgame. Well I have no advice, I think you've already gotten some excellent advice from sheba and wastubborn. The only thing I can say, and I know you already know this, is don't let this anger consume you. You have every right to be angry and then some. You are a strong Christian I can tell from talking to you before. Keep praying for you, for strength . Don't give up on that. If you feel like letting go for a while then do it. Take a break from the worry and pain. Give it to God, only He can heal this excruciating pain you're feeling. Try to throw this bitterness aside if you can. Rise above it. You can do that. An update on me, H and I are together again. Things are good. I will continue to pray for you, for your peace and comfort. May God lift you up out of this mess. <P>PS: Try very hard for your 3 year old's sake to calm down and don't let your little one feel your pain. I pray that God will shield your children from the turmoil surrounding you. <P>Cindy <P>

Hi Dead Inside,<P>Just wanted to let you know that LOL means Laughing Out Loud, but I like your interpretation better. Just read your post and all the replies, and I've gotta say.....GOOD FOR YOU!!! I know this is not a MB kinda thing to say, but I hope he's just as lost as confused right now as you have been over the past several months. I think also, that your Plan A over the last months has helped you become the strong person I am seeing in your posts. As you know, Plan A is not for H, it's for you! These WS need to see you as a strong, independent person...and as they do...they panic.<P>Good for you for venting here. Keep at it, and as others have said, do something for yourself today.<P>Remember, the OP (the whore) means nothing to him. He never loved her, it could have been anyone willing to build his ego. Someday she will be a distant, if icky, memory.<P>allison<BR>

Dead Inside, <BR>Your story is very similar to mine. I also felt slammed that my husband could even see anything in the OW. She had a horrible reputation in our town concerning men, drinking, partying, etc. He, too, felt sorry for her and thought he could "save" her. He wound up trapped like so many others. After leaving him and moving 7 hours away, I took him back and thought the last 9 months of recovery were hard, but working. About a month ago I found out that he was continuing with his lies and cheating. Even long distance he was continuing the affair. I yelled, screamed, etc and told him in an intense burst of anger that I would file for divorce in 6 weeks. My daughters are in college and I didn't want to blow their finals. So he got a reprieve from immediate divorce. We separated in our own house to put on a charade for family. I did NOT want my daughters to find out yet. The point of this story is, he went through his own HELL this time. I had to commit him to a hospital for three days for being suicidal. He went through his own agonizing process and knowing he didn't deserve it, asked for another chance. We are now in marriage counseling and he is in his own therapy also. I'm still very suspicious and wary, but I tell him this is all still raw and new for me and he's been knowing for 9 months. I know who he was for 23 years and I only met the alien who inhabited his body the last 18 months. I'm betting that my own husband is here to stay now. My point is that if I had not given myself that TIME, I would have been rash and thrown him out and lost what is very potentially a great marriage. You hear that word again and again here on this board. TIME, TIME, TIME.<BR>You are young. Can you afford to give YOURSELF and your children the gift of time if the reward is out there?<BR>

I saw the lawyer today. Just found out my rights and what I could expect if I do this. I cannot get rid of H. I couldn't take my little boy to Mother's Day Out today because - you guessed it - he is throwing up. I had NO ONE to keep him and my baby, but my H. So, called him to come watch them while I saw the lawyer. <P>Now, tonight I am supposed to drive three hours away for an interview (I have a part time job from home). There is a storm here, so I would have to drive three hours, in the dark, in the rain to a place I don't know how to get to. He wants to drive me. I don't know what to do! This is supposed to be my "See What It's Like Without Us, You Jerk" time and I am being left with no choice but to have him with us. <P>I prayed and prayed that God would show me what he wants me to do. That He would send me a sign, a message, something to tell me if he wants me to stay or go. Is this my sign? This is not the direction I wanted Him to point me in. I wanted Him to move some nice, loving, loyal, trustworthy man in next door. Instead I feel like He is pushing me to have no choice but to be with The Adulterer. If I could type in color, I would give him the BIG SCARLET "A". Any advice? <P>Oh, by the way, my son is now not throwing up and is up playing since his dad came home. (And I gave him some phenergan) I have to call my mom for advice.

Dead Inside.<BR>I to read you post and thought. Gee I remember those feelings. I was so devistated and thought I would NEVER recover. <BR>Finally decided to try plan B. <BR>No my H has not come home, but I am now able to deal with most of this mess and am trying to move on. Plan B is for US to preserve the feelings of love , if our H's ever come out of the fantansy and wake up. Or it will help us move on if they never wake up.<BR>Rant and Rave and get angry, but then take a deep breathe and start focusing on you and your children. What is best for you and them.<BR>Today I took another step in doing what I think is in my sons best interest. I kept waiting for H to doit and was getting very angry and fustrated when he didn't. <BR>It will give me peace of mind and that is all I want on a day to day basis. <BR>I want to do things I CAN LIVE WITH. <BR>So hang in there, read Plan B. I'm not very good at it, and still slip now and then, but I am getting much better at following the plan. Maybe some day (When the Divorce is finale) I can finally do a solid plan B.<BR>Good Luck and hang on , we still are on a wild ride. ( And I hate roller coasters!)

Hi Dead Inside -<P>How are you today?<P>How's your son feeling?<P>What ending up happening with the travel last night?<P>Thinking of you and saying prayers....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited May 02, 2000).]