Well, I thiought that the weekend went well, on Sunday mornign, we had intimacy(actually fri night too) I initiated but he didn't pull away etc... it was pretty smooth.......... we spent time together on both sat and sun... golf, fished, and yard work..... then last night he asked me for another back rub... as i'm rubbing his back he starts talking...I'm devestated.... he states he can't change the way he feels... he states that he has caring love for me and not romantic love... he said he tries to think back if he ever felt romantic toward me.... he continues to talk with the OW... had no definate plans to see her, no reservations, but will see her again. He hopes that we wouldn't have to have attorneys involved in the divorce... and he doesn't like the fact that I would leave the area with the kids. He states he's always been a fair person... and wants to do what is best for the kids.. that we need to think of them.... he stated that he can't pretend anymore to be happy here... fake smiles etc....he did apologise for "messing everythiing up" when I asked him why he stated that 2 weeks ago he didn't know what he wanted, he didn't know... he stated he was lying.... states hes afraid to tell the truth. He doesn't feel that we ever had a marriage to build off of.... states he's done other things in the past... I guess thats the heavy flirting etc...that my therapist told me about and also told me not to worry about. My H did alot of crying last night..stated hes always been a fair person.. and just wants to do what is best for the kids. Says he never wants to remarry and will not make any commitments or promises to me , cause he always beaks them. His op lives abroad.. discovery was in Oct99 and PA started in Sept 99. The last time I know he saw her was in Oct99. Does talk with her during the week... several times a week.. He left at the end of Jan00 for ten days ... called me at work 10 days later.."honey can I come home?'' He promised to break off this affair... he never did.<P>I kept my self very calm last night and told him I will not fight/argue with him... I told him I loved him and that would be his decision... that I believed in our marriage and that I know we could work things out to a better that ever marriage.......I also told him that you can't build a foundation on sand and that as long as he still has contact with her, his feelings etc... about me will not change. He stated that he doesn't know if he can change or even if he wants to...He cried to the point where he could barley talk and wanted to stop talking... remember he initated the conversation..... I said ok.... and then he started talking abit more, mostly about the kids....<P>I'm hurt beyond belief... I callled and made an appt with Steve for tomorrow at 1"00 pm my time... any advice ??? I'm at a total loss....... anyway... before he left this AM, he kissed me goodbye...........<P>Thanks...............s

well.....I know I probably shouldn't have done this, But I called my H at work......<BR>I was very calm .Of course I told him I loved him and that I would not give up on our marriage. I also told him I know I could trust him and that I would never throw this affair in his face.. And that I would leave the decision to him, if he wanted to divorce.<BR>This is what he had to say...He states he soesn't know what he's doing... doesn't know where he'll live etc...<BR>States he hasn't been a very good H and never has been... feels hes come down from the reality of his affair and considers the relationship a friendship...(In march he told me she stole his heart !!) Feels hes always lived a single life even being married(we worked oppisate shifts for almost 18 years.. and yes, I gave him the freedom to do what he wanted..hunt fish golf..etc) He feels that being home that things are the Same old stuff..nothings changed( I disagree) Except he stated that "I've been exposed for what I am... you didn't have a clue aaabout and now you do.<P>He feels that he can't think of a time that that him and I have really been together in the marriage..( I disagree) states hes never experienced it and its hard to visualise feels we've been business partners ...he feels he can't change who he is can't make promises that he can't keep.. feels that due to his past performance/behavior..he can almost predict the future.. also said that he could never promise me anything that he would hurt me more...worse than anything hes ever done. He said he could never say he would never lie again... He said he could promise me things but he doesn't think taht he would be truthful. He also said that he has a hard time saying things taht will hurt people.<P>Do I have any hope here ????.........s

It is difficult to distance yourself from the situation but that is exactly what you should do. Your husband is in a lot of pain and confusion. He does not know what he is doing or why. He needs time to think and clear up his mind. Please be patient and treat him just as if he were sick. He really is! The most difficult part is to get emotional support at this time. Turn to the board, close friends and a counselor if you have one. You may also need some medication to carry you through this time. Please do not give up. I will be praying for you and for him to come back to his senses. Keep being patient, tell him that you love him and just allow him to come down to earth..<P>My husband is coming around after almost a year. Please be patient..<P>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{scoick}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hey, Honey. Heard most all that before....and then some.<P>Be strong, be patient and hold on, the ride's gonna get bumpier. But it ain't over yet. Just keep doing what you're doing (you sound an awful lot like I did when I first talked to Robert).<P>It's gonna take time. he needs it and so do you. Just don't give up!<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Well... my H called me at work in a great mood... wished me a good evening at work... he hasn't don this in along time and then I blew it... I asked him why he was in such a good mood... I asked him if he had any plans ie... moving out or meeting the OP...I know I'm PMS'ing and I should have kept my big mouth shut... I never said any of this in a nasty tone at all... but I did say it... this mornign before he left he kissed me good bye.... I don't know where his wedding ring is he hasn't worn it for several days...<BR>any way this is the update...s

Thanks... KAt1, lostva and wifeand mother....<P>I wish I would have read the replies before I blew it....It sure is hard to stick to all of this... It just seems like I'm working my butt off... and then he says those things.... I talk with steve today.<P>scoick