My H just wants the D. At least this week he does. He has changed his mind 3 times in the last month. But I feel this time he really means it.<P>I don't want the D. I feel like we can start over, he feels he needs closure and a life on his own, but still wants to date me and be very involved with the kids ect.<P>Do I pray for a miracle? Do I just keep plan Aing, or start disconnecting? He still kisses me goodbye, gives me hugs ect. He is very confused and is in a MLC. He is not over theO/W, but she is moving away in June. So no contact on a daily basis after that, that should help.<P>Do miracle happens, or should I just give up, protect me and the kids finacially (which I really plan to do) or get on with my life. I do deserve love, happiness, ect.<P>Thanks all!<P>

I think that if the marriage was pretty happy before the affair started and the OW isn't in the picture, perhaps there is hope. If there were problems and the OW isn't in the picture and he still wants the D, well then maybe you should start looking out for what is best for you and your children. <P>My H has been in denial about a D since I filed in March. He thinks I'm "screwy" Our marriage had problems, namely my H's fondness for calling me names and humilating me in front of others. In any case, I was serious then and I'm more serious now. <P>Every couple has their own set of problems and dynamics. Look into yourself and at the circumstances that led to the affair. Remember it takes two to make a marriage...you can want it bad enough for two, but in the end you can't do it alone. Good luck and stay strong.<P>LS<BR>

Thank you Lonely Soul for your response.<P>I felt like we had a great marriage for so long, (19 years). We were not as close the last year or so, because H traveled extensively for his job. Yes I made mistakes ects, we were both going through our own battles with illness, (I was anemic,and he had eye surgery) I just wasn't there for him when he needed someone to be.<P>He said we could really have a great year this year. But he needed his freedom right now, one reason is his is a basket case around me. He starts shaking ect. He is fine for a few days then it starts. He cannot concentrate at work ect.<P>I just keep wondering if I am in dream land, just like my H.<P>I am making plans for me....starting college again ect. But I loved belonging to someone, being married ect.<P>But you are right you can not do that alone.<P>Thanks!

Hi My3Kids -<P>You can Plan A as long as you want...there is no set "limits". Plan A is about improving yourself and being nice.....We should all Plan A all the time anyway!!!! <P>Since you don't want a divorce, don't change your actions or behavior to show that you do!!!! Continue towards the goal of reconciliation and let H lead the way with any legalities!<P>What I did was tell my H that this whole divorce is his doing and anything that goes on (legally - like what he has to give or do, etc.) is all the results of HIS OWN CHOICE!! He got a lawyer and started the procedure and that forced me to have to retain one for myself!! So if he doesn't like what the courts set up - sorry, but I don't like any of it!!!<BR> <BR>The awful truth is when lawyers get involved - the coldness and "game" of the whole process is overwhelming!!! What I have done is emotionally separated the "process" from our marriage....I haven't let the callousness of it effect how I feel towards or relate with my H. <P>I have lots of hope that your situation may not get that far!!! He is confused and thinking up solutions with a foggy, weary and self-indulgent mind. Time is your friend here.....<P>He wants it all...his family, his "freedom", his relief of his guilt, his "happiness"....basically HIS....HIS...HIS!! He has no clue what is real and what isn't. Too many contradictions going on with him that even HE can't figure out!!!<P>I said before that time is your friend, and it most definitely is. H needs time to come back to reality and you need time to make your changes that you want and keep showing him your strength and love.<P>It may seem like it has no effect, being that he hasn't reacted as much as WE think he should.....but it is not about what WE think!!! <P>If you love him, act like it!! If he pushes D - then tell him that he has put you in the position of retaining a lawyer and anything on that end is out of your control. Reinforce that you don't want it and remain true to your own wants and goals.<P>Don't ask him about the D, don't give it much importance in your mind. It is hard if you feel like it is an axe looming over your head.....but it isn't!! Maybe he is stuck in some warped place and thinks that this will allow a fresh start....one in which all of his bad behavior and choices will have disappeared. Who knows what thoughts lurk in the caverns of their brains!!!<P>Follow your heart and that with some common sense to determine your emotions and actions as to how to behave through this.....you will do fine as long as you don't react to him. Just be proactive for what you want.<P>BIG HUGS, PRAYERS & STRENGTH,<P>Sheba

I enjoy your posts, and have learned alot from them. My W is in about the exact same as your husband, same type of crowd, Police and EMT's who work together, W pursuing an EMT bodybuilder who wanted to workout with someone, preferably female. My wife finally agreeing to work out with him. My W's EA OM saying that he does not want to break up families, and another police dispatcher saying to my W, "You have to finish one before starting the next!"<P>Hope it works out for you, although I made a couple of divorce encouraging comments at the beginning, I shouldn't have. I played right into it by mistake. But I agree, don't mention the word, and continue on with our and us, and I found that by explaining decisions to my W that it would be selfish of me to think otherwise, has got her started on thinking about her own selfishness.<P>Plan A is the way to go, but it takes some time to get over the shock, and onto the Plan correctly. Now, it is starting to take effect, bit by bit, but the people she socializes with jsut don't respect marriage whatso ever.<P>again, thanks for you clear and insightful posts and directions.<P>by the way, has there been any progress in the D proceedings? no need to answer, just curious as your situation is so close to mine.<P>thl