Wife put deposit on apartment yesterday. Planning on moving in mid-June. I asked her if it was nice, etc. Told her while I didn't want her to move, as long as she was going to anyway, I was glad she found an apartment she liked. Talked about how she was going to move. Offered to help her move in. She liked that idea. Told her we needed to discuss when and what we would say to the boys and others (as appropriate). Last week, her Thursday night college class was cancelled so we went out for dinner to discuss situation (first we've spoken about it in 4 weeks). She showed me the Summons she had filled out at the local court house workshop. Said I need to decide who will serve me and when the seperation date would be (for the legal action). I kind of blew it. Ask her what the "irrecincilable differences" were. She blew up and said she didn't want to go into all of that again. I calmed her down and we continued. I told her I thought she was getting the cart (legal action) ahead of the horse (physical seperation). After expressing her frustration, she agreed that she could hold off on the legal action a while longer. I also explained to her my moral dilemma. I told her I had to decide if I would honestly respond to the legal action and state that I felt marriage was reconciliable and that I did not want one (worst case would prefer seperation) or should I lie so that we could get around some paperwork. Told her even if I contest we can still keep the lawyers out of it and negotiate nicely. I then said I wished they had a block to check that said, "Wife wants a divorce, I don't, this is California so it does't matter". Told her I looked for it, but couldn't find it. I haven't mentioned her affair since February. She still denies that she did anything and doesn't want to believe I know. I haven't spoken to OM since beginning of January. I haven't told OM's wife (Am having a real hard time with this one). I know wife is still communicating electronically regularly with OM and they occasionally meet for lunch. They don't suspect I know, so they are continuing to sneak around. I've been Plan Aing quite successfully. Wife did ask that I stop kissing her about a month ago. No hugs eithier for awhile, but I negotiated those back in a few weeks ago. Still workin on me. 6 months sober now. That's going just fine. Kids are doing great. Family life couldn't be much better. Having a hard time dealing with affair being not talked about and that OM's wife doesn't know. I feel she should know and if she did, it might break the fantasy between my wife and OM. I don't want to be the one that has to tell her about it, but seems that might be only way she finds out. **sigh** Keep me in your prayers. I'm in this for the long haul and my wife knows it. Life can get so confusuing some times. Open to any and all ideas. thx in advance.<P>Background - Previous post from March<BR>Early Nov 99, Wife says after the holidays, eithier I'm moving out or she is. Reason is "emotionally drained" from my heavy drinking (progressively worse) over last 10 years of our marriage. She had confronted me about my drinking and said she was going to leave 3 years ago, but didn't. We have 2 boys age 6. A few days later I went to AA and quit drinking. A few days later wife says divorce is what she really wants and she plans to leave even if I quit drinking. Early Dec, I start to suspect affair. Mid-Dec, wife seems to try again a little. Nice holidays. New years eve catch wife sending e-card to OM. New Years morning wife says she is going to hang in there with me for awhile longer and explains that she has been flirting online w/OM, but nothing further. Early Jan 00, I discover that wife had met w/OP as far back as Aug 99 and it was both emotional and physical. I hint around that she is not telling me everything about OM. Secrecy and lies from wife. Also, wife finnally meets w/councellor. Early Feb, I convice wife I know more than she is telling me and ask that she stop talking with him and be honest with me about it. She says she is not seeing him anymore and shares with me that her new councellor (she had met with one last summer when I was drinking heavily) had agreed with last counsellor that marriage was over and she had to decide whether to leave me now or when boys are older. I am obviously disappointed. Next appointment counsellor has wife buy co-parenting book (guess we know her decision). A few weeks later, wife states, "she wants to do what we talked about in Nov, how do we do this". I lead discussion about divorce/seperation issues and we agree to a few things (joint physical custody, friendly divorce/seperation, etc). She also agrees to go to 1 marriage counsellor appt. Following week, we meet with SBT counsellor and she has to decide if she will continue. Next week, she decides to move forward with divorce. She is planning to move out begginning of May. We continue with making arrangements. I'm open to ideas. I am 4 months sober and working that recovery. Wife says I am not doing anything that drives her crazy. Home life is quiet and good. Wife and I sleep in the same bed, she puts up with a kiss and a hug a few times a day from me. I know she is still in continual contact (electronically) with OM, but it is just emotional. (I know him and I'm sure he will not leave his wife and 4 kids. I also believe wife ended physical portion and meeting with him, prob mid Dec.)<BR>Very wierd situation. We are both Conflict Avoiders. Wife is a perfect model of modern woman. She makes 50K a year and obvoiously does not need my 50K a year to live. She admits I'm a great father. Her love for me has just dried up. I realize she has had to put up with my functional alcholic behavior for last 10 years (I withdrew into myself when I drank and did not emotionally connect with her), but I really want to save this marriage for the sake of our boys. If not save it, at least give an attempt to save it. My wife doesn't want to work on it anymore. I'm open to any and all ideas.
