Hello,<P>My wife left me and our two children on April 19th. She moved out of our apartment and moved in to a new place with another man (he also left his wife and children to move in with my wife).<P>I have posted some of the story in the 'just found out' forum, but I will do a quick run down here for simplicity sake.<P>I did not know my wife was having an affair, I suspected but it never came to head until April 18th when I asked her flat out if she was having an affair and she told me yes and that she was leaving me to go move in with him. She met this other man on-line about 3 years ago and started having an affair with him last year (around august, so she tells me).<P>My questions, and problems:<P>1. She is now living with him, what are the odds that she will 'wise up and come home'?<BR>2. I have kept everything out of the courts (she gave me custody and is giving me support for our two children). She has asked me not to file for divorce and has gone so far as to say she does not want a divorce and that she is not sure what she is going to do (stay with him or come back to me). What does this mean? She is living with him now, how can she not be sure?<BR>3. What do I do? What I mean is what should I do to 'win back her love'? I can not deposit to the love bank as she is not here and does not wish to talk to me (she has brief chats with me before or after she calls to talk to the kids). on occasion she will talk to me about us, things like, "I know it is not fair but I am asking you if you would wait for me" and "I do not want a divorce", when asked if she will come home she simply answers with "maybe" or "I don't know"<BR>4. She says she is happy with him, but thinks of me often? Is this a sign of unsureness, is this a sign I should work with, like limit her from me to miss me even more?<P>I just am lost, plan A or Plan B, I do not know where to go or what to do at this moment. HELP!!<P>Keith

I am about a month ahead of you. My wife moved out on March 13, several hours after our temporary custody hearing in which I was granted primary custody of our 2 children.<P>I don't know if and when she will wise up and come home. We have been kinda skirting around the edges. She says she doesn't see the kids enough and misses them. But she is not ready to come home and be with them.<P>This advice will probably be different than what most others on this board would give you. See a lawyer. Tomorrow. Tonight if you could. I'm not saying that you should file for divorce. But you should protect yourself and your children. What if she runs up all the credit cards? What if she comes back in a month and takes the kids and becomes ugly? You need to get things in writing to protect yourself and your children. Someone has to watch out for their interests. Their mother sure isn't.<P>Don't ask her to come home anymore. Read up on Plan A. Just be nice to her, but more important, be nice to yourself. There will be others around that have been at this much longer than me and can give you more details.<P>They are always more happy with the OP. At least in the beginning. No responsibilities. Wouldn't you like to be a kid again? Soon, she will probably realize that she is in the same situation, only with a different face to look at across the dinner table.<P>It has only been a little while. Give it time. Take care of yourself and your children.

Hey Bupahs<P>i haven't been here long enough to know all that i should but i do know that you need to start with what comes first <B>P L A N *A*.</B><BR>there is a link on my post <B>(I'm sitting here in tears...)</B> i don't know how to send it to you so go to the <B>EN side</B> and look for it, it's from jim (NSR) lisaM sent it to me, she says it's a really good plan A. check it out and i wish you well

Keith<P>It sounds like you have read some of the site...you know about the love bank. I am assuming you still have a tremendous love for your W and want her back into your life. It is way to early for Plan B. Plan B depends on a good effort and some success of Plan A. I know it is difficult because she has moved out. But it is not impossible. First you need to read about Emotional Needs. You must find out what her top two or three EN's are. The OM has found them out and has done a good job at working on those needs. Read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs Her Needs". Read everything you can on this site and lots of the posts here on the forum.<P>Flowers, poems, compliments , love cards, lunches, email all beginning with and ending with "I Love You" are good ways to start. I leave those things in my W's car. Do not expect a response. In fact, no response is a good thing compared to her throwing these items at you. A thank you or hug for them will come later. You must be persistent. Keep doing Plan A even if and especially if you don't feel like it. Continue as much as she will let you. You will know when it is too much. You must let her know that you love her, that you are able to meet her needs, that you are there for her and you must let the OM that you are not leaving. <P>Remember that time is on your side. Dr. Harley says that most A die because they are based on lies and deceit. He said that nearly 95 % die. You must be in the best position possible when the A dies. You must be there with your love and understanding and devotion to make the marriage work when that happens. It will not be easy until then and it won't be easy for sometime after that event. You must position yourself to be there. You will be on the roller coaster ride of your life.<P>Don't love bust...do that and vent here. Come here for support and advise. You will find an abundance of both here from these warm compassionate and beautiful people. Get counseling for both of you if possible or you if she will not go. That should be professional and or religious. Find a friend (male) to confide in and ask advise of. <P>Keep in mind that you are not alone, you can beat this, and you are good person. Take the time to become closer to your kids. Don't blame yourself alone. Both of you were 100 % responsible for what happened. Now you have to be 200 % responsible for trying to fix it. Be sure to read NSR posts for new people.<P>Good Luck<P>Love and Prayers for All!!<P>J W

Yes, you can do a plan A with her out of the house. My H moved out 3 months ago. He is living by himself. Op is married and has threatened to leave her H, but I don't think my H has invited her in yet.<P>(I have drawn a line there. I really would prefer to get a D before he is living with her. (this is a small town, we have 3 kids))<P>At first, my plan A was met with a DiNiro "Are you talking to me" attitude, but as time has gone on he has softened. I'm very certain my H is having MLC issues as well. <P>Can I ask, how did she meet him on-line??? Is that a clue here??? Was she lonely??? Do you work a lot??? It would seem to me, though I am not an expert, that a person who gets attracted to an on-line OP is looking for conversation (EN), perhaps admiration.<P>And actually, the more they are together, the faster it seems to hit reality. I have to believe that your wife could not leave the kids unless it was truly an addictive thing. My H TOLD my children he would never leave them just last year. He made fun of Clinton and others having affairs.<P>I truly do think it is a "bad brain" period.<P>By the way, my H, though he doesn't say wait for me, does not want me to go get a divorce. For you, I take it as a good sign. She realizes she has feelings for you. She just got "hooked". Could have been without even realizing it heerself.<P>I truly believe that is what happened with my H. The OP and he work closely together. THey have been friends. I think it was gradual and the lines became blurred. She had ample opportunity to meet his need of conversation because they were together at least 10 hours aday and on weekends. They lunched together too. Little did I know. I was home taking care of the kids.<P>How old are your children and how are they taking it? In my case, the reconnection seemed to start with the kids. So begin there. Try not to ask about OP. Begin by keeping neutral. Discuss the children. Remember stories and or events to talk about. It has to bring more than an "idont know or maybe" (My H said I don't know so much I thought I'd have to bang my head against the wall)<P>I know I forgot to mention that I am really sorry you and your children are going through this. For me, this has been the most devastating and life altering event I have ever experienced. Come here often for support. Try your best to take care of you and the kids. If you stay open you will learn a lot about yourself.

OK, Bupahs, you've gotten some good advice - Plan A, a good solid Plan A all the way!<P>And yes, there is hope. Robert left home to live with PT (but he said he wanted a divorce and planned a future with HER) and is home and we're doing better than we ever have!!!<P>Read, read, read, read, read - all that you can. SAA is our handbook, and Jim recommends a number of other books that people here have found helpful. <P>Remember in Plan A, not only are you not lovebusting and trying to deposit love units, but you're also taking a good look at your marriage, without the blinders we instinctively wear, yourself and your spouse. You'll be surprised at what you learn, I think.<P>Hang in there, be strong. She's still the woman you fell in love with, she's just going through a very difficult time right now. You can figure out why, it just takes some work.<P>So, take a couple of really deep breaths, buckle up and hold on tight! This ride is just beginning and it's a doozy. But, at the end, you can come out of it better than you ever dreamed.<P>Lori

>>Can I ask, how did she meet him on-line??? Is that a clue here??? Was she lonely???Do you work a lot??? It would seem to me, though I am not an expert, that a person who gets attracted to an on-line OP is looking for conversation (EN), perhaps admiration.<<<P>At the time, when she met him on-line, I was working nights (11:00pm to 7:00 AM). That shift was hard on both of us and when it looked like I would be on that shift for quite some time I went looking for other work. About 2 1/2 years ago I found a job driving truck for a local company (home every night) and love it. So that is how and when she met him on-line.<P>>>I truly do think it is a "bad brain" period.<<<P>So do I<P>>>How old are your children and how are they taking it? In my case, the reconnection seemed to start with the kids. So begin there. Try not to ask about OP. Begin by keeping neutral. Discuss the children. Remember stories and or events to talk about. It has to bring more than an "idont know or maybe" (My H said I don't know so much I thought I'd have to bang my head against the wall)<<<P>My children, both boys, are 7 and 10. They seem ok most of the time, nights are the hardest for them as she always tucked them in. I do not ask about the OM, and I have stopped asking her if she will come home. I try to keep the conversation only about the kids and her visitations. <P>To answer some of the other posts:<P>I tell her I love her every time I see or talk to her. I have left her little notes where she works (she works across the street from where I do). I read A LOT, and I think I have picked up every book known about affairs and marriage. Sunday is our 11 year anniversary and I plan on sending her roses to her work.<P>As far as seeing a lawyer, 3 days after she left when she came back for more of her things we had a long talk about a lot of things. She sat down with me and we came up with support payments (she insisted that she pay something) visitation schedule, what to do about the bills, she gave me her credit cards, bank cards and told me to keep the joint accounts open (we split the monies in the joint accounts and left the bare minimum in them to keep them open). We wrote everything down and signed it. Legally binding in PA, any written and signed 'contract' in PA is binding as long as both parties agree to it in a Court of Law. So a lawyer is not needed (I spoke to many lawyers, child services and domestic relations and they all agree that the things we agreed on and signed is fair and uphold able).<P>Keith <aka Bupahs>

Keith,<P>Sat is my 11th anniv. I get to move out that day at my wife insistance and my counselor's encouragement. My wife is the one having the affair with a "friend" of ours. <BR>I have thought about a present for her but I'm so torn up over having to move out I can't seem to bring myself to get one. Saying "Happy Anniversary" on the day we start our separation just doesn't seem apropriate. In fact, it truly sucks!<P>Hang in there with Plan A. You wife will most likely "wake up" and see that the grass in not greener. In the meantime, you can work on whatever issues you contributed to that drove her to him in the first place. This will not only improve your chances of her return, but will make you better and stronger anyway and allow you to deal better with whatever happens.<P>Good luck to you and my prayers go with you.