It has been 3 months and 8 days from discovery but for 3 years my wife has been doing oral sex on OM. Not just a few times or ocassionally but anytime they were alone for 5 minutes or more. Her only justification was because his wife wouldn't do this for him so she did because he was a good friend. She has lost over 50 lbs and I have dropped a few myself because the pain and depression make it dificult to eat. She is truly sorry for the pain she has caused me but she still feels that what she did was not wrong. And the lies that are coming foward now. She still lies to me and I belive that is trying to avoid hurting me more but the constant deceptions are killing me on a daily basis. I don't want to leave her, I don't want to stay and right now I don't want to see the sun rise tomarrow. I just want to cease to exist. She promises me almost constantly that she will never do anything like this again but how can I believe anything she tells me when she still denies having contact with him even as I read her the email she sent him and he has sent her. She has threatened to kill herself if I leave her and it is tempting to see if she would really do it and free me from this hell. So why should I stay? What is it that makes people put up with infidelity for years? How can I ever kiss hre again without thinking about what has passed those lips so very, VERY many times.

Hm. I think with all infidelity the cause of betrayal has nothing to do with sex, but other underlying issues. I'd seriously consider getting some counseling for this problem. It seems strange that she'd to this with no strings attached because he "was a friend and needed it." Perhaps if you understood her need to provide this type of "friendship" at the expense of your trust, you could learn to trust her again?

Welcome <B>Brimstone</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>You... and your wife need to consider counseling very quickly... (either individually or together)<BR>...The depression you seem to be exhibiting is taking an awful toll on you...<BR>...don't rule out medication...<P>Do check out...<BR><B>Depression / Antidepressant Therapies(Cognitive Therapy)</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.intimacyanddepression.com/index1.html" TARGET=_blank>Intimacy & Depression</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.depression.com/health_library/anti_depressant_therapies/nondrug/anti_22_cognitive.html" TARGET=_blank>Cognitive Therapy</A><P>and<P><B>Medication/Stress/Depression:</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/007365.html" TARGET=_blank>Medication has negative effects</A>…..Suzy Q…..9/14/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010152.html" TARGET=_blank>Medication for depression/anxiety Please give info</A>…..Pahakissa1…..11/29/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000160.html" TARGET=_blank>K - anxiety, OCD and marriages</A>…..Francis…..12/3/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000172.html" TARGET=_blank>Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Marrriages (1)</A>…..Francis…..12/30/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000173.html" TARGET=_blank>Cognitive Behavior Therapy in Marriages 2</A>…..Francis…..12/30/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001395.html" TARGET=_blank>Five Steps To An Almost Stress-Free Life By Zig Ziglar</A>…..hopefull_1…..3/7/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000216.html" TARGET=_blank>TS, DT, KAM and anyone else who can use this....(Depression)</A>…..Francis…..3/8/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002260.html" TARGET=_blank>Antidepressant Remeron Any one on this?????</A>…..bc…..4/10/2000<P> <P>Jim

It's over. W is gone to a business confrence for 2 days. It is an anual event and we typically go together but this year I could not go because of a commitment today. She left me the hotel number and called as soon as she got there to tell me the room number. 214. This evening I called OM house with the excuse of sending some of there equipment back to them and asking for a good time for it to be delivered. I talked to his W because (suprize, suprize) he is out of town on a purchasing trip. His W also had the hotel he was staying at (same one) and the room number. 215. I can't take this. I'm out of here.

I agree. If you have children, see a lawyer Monday. Protect yourself and your children. She is in the middle of the fog. Can't trust her to make decisions in her own best interest, let alone that of you or the children.

Brimstone,<BR> Hi man listen, TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS, TAKE ANOTHER. OK now listen.<BR> MOST of us here have gone through what you are going through and MORE!! I know it's hard to believe , but it's true.<P> YOU SAID:<BR> "I'm otta here" Listen, it's not usually that easy. You will go through a lot. MORE than you EVER thought you could EVER handle.<BR> BUT.... feel privilaged, your marriage has been CHOSEN to go through this and it will, IF you follow the principals found here, BE BETTER THAN YOU OR YOUR W EVER IMAGINED!!<BR> Read the sucess stories. Most feel like they are still on their honeymoon! <P> IN MANY cases it's a "Cry for help".<P> I KNOW, I KNOW you're:<BR>HURT!!!<BR>REALLY REALLY ANGRY!!<BR>FEEL LIKE YOU CAN''T TRUST ANYONE (If you couldn't trust your W who can you trust?!)<BR>INSECURE!!<BR>EMBARRASSED!!!!<BR>REALLY ALONE!!<BR> BEEEEEEETRRRRAAAAYYYYYYEEEDDDDD!!!!!!!!<P> At this point MOSTLY REALLY PI**ED off right!!<P> YELL HERE!!<BR> VENT HERE!!!<BR> THROW THINGS AROUND!!!<BR> But, do it here. You need to read ALL you can BEFORE she comes back. DON'T say something you'll regret later because you're mad now.<BR> You need to find out YOUR part in this. OK, WHAT THE HECK DID I DO! Right? Well, tha sooner you find out that SOMETHING, some need, some want, was lacking in what you gave your Wife, the sooner the ANGER will leave and instead of "How could SHE do this to ME" you'll think, "How could WE let this happen TO US"! Don't get me wrong, you DID NOT DESERVE this no matter WHAT needs you were too, blind, stupid (like me) or selfish to fill in your W. What happened was NOT the way to deal with it. BUT, this is what you have been given to overcome.<P> It's usually a LONG "Roller coaster" ride. and will take a LOT of work to repair. BUT, it's not hopeless.<BR> 97% of ALL affairs end. That's because they are built on, DECEIT, LIES and A LOT of PAIN for ALL involved.<BR> Post here, don't give up if you love her. There are some REALLY GREAT people here.<BR> PLEASE don't do any thing you'll regret.<BR> <BR> You should fill out the profile ie.. age W's age OM's age how many years married, children?, and so on so the "experts" here can get a better "Plan of attack" to help SAVE your marriage.<BR> KEEP IN TOUCH!! GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

I agree with "please help" that you should not base any decision based on anger. However, I do not agree that one should put up with a cheating spouse who has promised not to do it again. If the adulterous behaviour continues and there is no sincere intention to work on the marriage the chances are the marriage will fail. And of course you cannot have rebuilding unless the sdulterer stops all contact with the OP.<BR>YOur wife's contention that it okay to give oral sex to this OM indicates either something is wrong mentally with your wife or her morals are really messed up. Leaving her may be a powerful wake up call for what she is doing and to reexamine her life. I would recommend that both of you go for marriage counselling to determine whether the marriage can be saved or to give both of you closure even if the marriage is ended.