Hello, I am new at this site, so please be as patient as you can. My husband, about four months ago, was posting to your website for help when I began having an affair. This man is about eight years young than I am, and he reminded me of the enthusiastic thirst for knowledge I had at his age. We began discussing literature, something which interests me deeply. It began "innocently" with us emailing each other about the different books we had read, movies we enjoyed, etc. . . Suddenly I had dreams in my head of us becoming college professors together, reading Tennyson by the fire at night. It was nice to be read to and to be challenged on such a high intellectual level. We received such an emotional high from simply receiving letters from each other. I couldn't simply give this up. <P>As a result, I have gone through the rockiest, most tumultuous time in my life and can only imagine what I have put my husband through. We are trying very hard to work together right now (We are going camping this weekend to get out into the wilderness and sort through everything.) <P>The only problem is I get these irresisitable urges to still see the OM. When will these stop? I fear myself running off to see him again, beginning the whole pattern. It is as if I forget how hurtful it all has been. Help!!!!!!!!

I happen to be the betrayed.. I cannot say what feelings you might have, but I can give you insight into your husband. I am sure he is estatic that you are trying to work things out.. the pain/bitterness/resentment that is felt by the betrayed is beyond words and comparison.. I do not want you to feel bad or guilty because of that.. thats just what he is feeling. I presume you do not want to hurt your husband of course, that has got to be your strength.. it will take lots of willpower but use him to draw from, when you get the urges for the other man, talk to your husband.. do an activity with him, anything to give attention to him and that might help get your mind off those urges. Think of things you love/loved to do with your husband.. get some of those happy memories in there.. but dont feel guilty for those urges, do something about them.. turn them to your advantage and use them to fuel the fire that you and your husband are trying to get back. <P>I only wish my wife would be so willing to work things with me.. that right there means more than you know to him.. best of luck with both of you.<P>Neo

Welcome <B>cendee</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>A while ago... the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums... and a new one added...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Just+found+out...&number=29&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Just found out...</A>...for those new the forum... pre/post "discovery" of an affair or possible affair.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=Plan+A/Plan+B&number=30&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>Plan A/Plan B</A>...usually after "discovery of the affair"...for those with questions of "what to do now?"<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=In+recovery&number=31&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>In recovery</A>...when a commitment to work on marriage by both spouses has begun.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...when efforts at reconciliation fail or are failing.<BR>We are being asked to post the forums that make the most sense with respect to our questions/vents and not just dump everything into the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum because it will give you the most responses! <P><B>About your post</B>...<P>yes... yes... do keep asking support of the Wayward Spouses...<BR>...they will come. (although weekends can be very slow around here) <P>You urges will stop in time...<BR>...but it won't happen overnight!<P>Build more good times with your H... as Neobican says... <P>Work on developing more passion...<BR>...here's a list of books for <B>both</B> of you...<OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/155927185X" TARGET=_blank><B>Light Her Fire</B></A> by Ellen Kreidman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440207533" TARGET=_blank><B>Light His Fire </B>: How to Keep Your Man Passionately and Hopelessly in Love</A> by Ellen Kreidman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0805058265" TARGET=_blank><B>Passionate Marriage :</B> Love, Sex, and Intimacy in Emotionally Committed Relationships</A> by David Schnarch <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800757092" TARGET=_blank><B>Sex Begins in the Kitchen :</B> Because Love Is an All-Day Affair</A> by Kevin Leman <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0310214149" TARGET=_blank><B>What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Men</B></A> by Patrick M. Morley <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0842378960" TARGET=_blank><B>What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women</B></A> by James C. Dobson <BR></OL><P> <P>Jim

Neobican, <P>Thank you for your reply. I need all of the support and reassurance that the feelings I am experiencing for the other man will go away. As a matter of fact, the amount of love units that I have for him continue to decrease the more reasons that my husband and I give for why he truly did not love me. I do not believe he did the way he was supposed to or he would have left me alone and not tried to interfere with my marriage when it was "on the rocks." I am beginning to see and realize that the type of person willing to breach a marriage is the type of person who would breach their own because they do not fully believe in committment. I also saw this ugliness in myself in my willingness to have an affair in the first place. My husband and I have had several conversations regarding this and have found that it makes so much sense to simply work on those areas that the other man fulfilled. Thanks again! <P>Also thanks to the person who posted and let me know about the books and the forums.

Hi there, I am too the betrayer,<P><BR>I had an affair witht he same man for 2 years. It started out just physical, turned emotional/physical, and then after the discovery two years ago, we rekindled the relatioship again.<P>So, recent discovery day was Jan. 00. I might as well have shot and seriously wounded my husband than to have rekindle this affair. His words are: " I was falling in love with you all over again" <P>Wow, where was I when all of this was happening? Lost in memory land of OM, that is where, I totally missed out on what my hsuband had for me.<P>I tried, really tried to get over OM. I thought I had, when the fateful day happended. OM stopped and talked to me and flipped me right into orbit. It was only 3 weeks later that we ended up back together.<P>I refused to give up OM. Om and I carried on until April 1. I finally just really got tired of treating my family like crap. I was trying to live two lives and I was notdoing a very good job at it. It truely got to the point that I couldn't remember what lies I had told to cover myself, and it was horrible.<P>First, I wrote my OM a letter, telling him we could not carry on this way, the hurt wastoo awful, ect ect(just like the one Dr. H suggests),<BR>then I really worked on staying busy to not contact OM. It was okay. I did rally well until the 3.5 week. Then HOLLY HECTOR! I itched to call, to see to contact! it was awful, my husband helped me through this. HE kept me with him all week.<P>Then guess what? OM contacted me. at the local pool. then again when i went to work out, then again. I just told him to leave me alone, i couldn't do this anymore. I loved myhsuband. <P>I told my husband all of this also. Ofcourse he was there the first time OM walked into the room(POOL), OM wasl lucky to walk out, he was going to kill him, literally.<P>But, I do not have ahusband that is younger than I or not as intellectual as I. so, your decision is harder. But,the main thing is, if you want to carry on the other relationship, then leave your current one. do not cheat. give your husband some respect. But, know this, only 1% of affair relationships last. Not a very good chance is it? <P>READ AND READ, READ AND READ all the information you can on affairs. Marriage builders info is very very hellpful. Get Surviving an affair, get Torn Asunder both great great books.<P>Good Luck,<BR>Mercy

Welcome, it's good that you're coming here and that you recognize that the OM is a problem in your marriage. Good people struggle with temptation; bad people put themselves first and rationalize their hurtful acts as "innocent" and "fate" etc.<P>The intellectual and emotional closeness with the OM which started out innocently is how my H and his Best Friend began. Now I am very much on the periphery of his emotional life, trying desperately to get back in, like a bird continually flying into a glass window, getting knocked out, and trying again.<P>My H doesn't recognize what they are involved in as an Affair and maintains that our problems are separate from the Friendship - at least you have the blinders off. <P>I hope your wilderness weekend is a success. Your H must love you and believe in you to keep trying. This OM is just a bump in the road. <P>Remember how Rhett Butler kept trying with Scarlett O'Hara? That alone would have melted my heart. And all Scarlett could think of was that other guy, Ashley I think his name was, who was just a fantasy? Think of your husband as Rhett, recognize the depth of his love for you. Let it come into your heart. (You have seen Gone With The Wind, haven't you?) <p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited May 06, 2000).]

Dear Candee,<BR>I am a betrayed,(EA) but during this process of recovery I have learned much. One of the most important is about the addition like behaviour that occurs during an affair, either an EA or PA. <BR>My W experienced it. I think it was one of Harleys books I read that talked about this.<BR>Its like an alcoholic type addition to the emotional euphoria feelings they (you) experience when w/ the OM.<BR>Its a fantasy world of good feelings, my W told me when she was w/ the OM, she forgor about everything. My faults, our problems we were having with our teenagers, etc...for that period of time it was just bliss. <BR>Our D-day was in Sept 99. I had not found this site yet, but I did have "His needs, her needs" which was a great help. We also had some friends who counseled us on what to do.<BR>First was 100% NO contact. w/ OM, we did this for about 50 days, there was one phone call OM made to my W, but it was short. <BR>My W later told me that it was that initial <BR>30 days that made it. SHe said she had desired to call the OM but did not. After that initial 30-45 days she said she lost that real strong desire to see him, I was working on replacing those feelings, by filling her love tank, learning how.<BR>It worked. We also read together, the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Highly recommend this book! <BR>The down deep attraction will never totally go away, we recognize that. Now 8 mos into recovery, we actually have contact w/ the OM about 2-3 times a mo. Our sons are on the same sport team. Our pastor and friends told us to quit the team, we didn't. It did cause us some back slids, but we talked and talked and for our sons sake, stayed in. The OM was <BR>very apologetic, and never tried to renew the relationship. From what I've read here I was lucky, and God blessed us! Gave us a good wake up call. The OM's W does not know. I wish I had told her early on, but now its too late, I had told the OM I would not, its his business now. We are actually sort of friend s now and have gone out to dinner w// a 3rd couple....weird but true. <BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by cendee:<BR><B>Suddenly I had dreams in my head of us becoming college professors together, reading Tennyson by the fire at night. It was nice to be read to and to be challenged on such a high intellectual level. We received such an emotional high from simply receiving letters from each other. I couldn't simply give this up. ...<BR>The only problem is I get these irresisitable urges to still see the OM. When will these stop? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Allow me to appeal to you on an intellectual level then. Intellectually you must know that this is a fantasy. You don't have to deal with this OM's laundry, dinner, leaving the toilet seat up, or deciding whether to go to your family's house or his family's house for the holidays. These are mundane things. Not really exiting, but if your OM were in these situations every day, scratching his butt and doing all his idiosyncratic things while living in the same house as you, how attractive would he be? You have created an image of a man that no man can compete with. Next time you imagine him, try seeing him with all his flaws. Imagine yourself yelling at him for not taking the trash out AGAIN. Imagine him doing something you absolutely hate. That is likely the real scenario. <P>OM are knights in shining attractive armor because we don't see and feel their insides. There is no commitment there, so they can feed us all our needs we are lacking from our current relationships without risking exposing their real selves. We don't have enough time to see any of that because we are indulging the fantasy. Fantasize about your husband! Change your self-talk from "My H isn't intellectually stimulating" to something that excites you, like, "My H is the sexiest man alive!"<P>Intellectually there is the argument also of how is love shown? To me, someone who loves me is someone who will get out of my life and not interfere with my commitment to my marriage. He draws a line beyond which he will not go because he is not willing to compromise his or my personal integrity. He wants what is best for me and will not influence my choices or influence me to go against what i feel is right.<P>I understand your desire to have your needs met and that your H can't fulfill every aspect of you, but don't you think there are other healthy ways of achieving this? Write a book! Join some sort of poetry reading circle. Hook up with WOMEN who are fascinated by literature. My H is by no means an intellectual, but my sister and I talk about literature, go to plays and operas, and do things together that my H has no interest in. Your needs do not have to be filled by a MAN. open your eyes and see that there are other options. Once you begin exploring them, your head will not have room for fantasies anymore.

Popeye, <P>Thank you for your suggestions, although perhaps I need to explain something more clearly. The truth is my husband is an intellectual. The problem was that we were not sharing the same intellectual interests. Actually, my eyes were open to other individuals, and I found this man attractive anyway. I know this now, and I am working at trying to see my husband more realistically. <P>I know in my head everything that you shared in your post-the truth being that I have an ideal in my head, that I am seeing someone as some type of Byronic hero. The truth is that the town in which my H and I live is my home town. I never really left here. I received both of my degrees here and teach here. The problems started cropping up when, I guess, I didn't give my H the opportunity to show me he was willing to leave. I started feeling stifled, and I started seeing all of my girlfriends leaving and moving on to more interesting places. My belief was, "I am never going to leave." But the reality is that my H wanted to leave, too, he was just like me, however--the perpetual fly in the jar who wants to get out but cannot seem to find its way. <P>Anyway, I am not the starry-eyed, naive person that you think. This is what makes all of this out of character for me. I am currently in the process of reading Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her needs, and another awesome book called The Art of Loving by Erich Fromme. My neck is sore from all the constant bobbing back and forth my head is doing in agreement with everything these books say. I also am in agreement with you. I have some wonderful women friends with whom I share books, poems, movies, and plays. My female friends and I were constantly discussing these things, yet the affair still happenened. Basically, the act was self-indulgent and stupid is what I am trying to say, and I just got lazy in my marriage. I forgot to just ask my H if we could just sit down and read one book a week together, because, although I realize that I do not have to rely on a man to meet my needs, it is still nice to occasionally be able to sit down and have discussions about each other's interests. At least this seems to be what all of these books keep telling me. <P>Thank you so much to everyone for your advice. I do not know why, but for some reason fighting the urge to see the OM gets worse during certain days. I don't know if certain memories trigger certain days to be worse or not. <P>My H and I went on our wilderness weekend together, and we had fun reading part of The Art of Loving together. We always used to laugh with each other all the time. This weekend, I saw some of that coming back. This really gives me hope that I haven't screwed things up too badly.

Thanks to Mercy and JNVC for reminding me of something very crucial and important--if this man really honestly cared for me, he would have left me alone and had respect for my marriage. This is true, and I am coming to terms with the fact that if I had genuine, mature feelings of love for him, I would not have had a relationship with him at all. I am also seeing that love is something that you learn to do through committment and time. If I had decided to go with the OM, this whole cycle would more than likely have perpetuated itself in that relationship. <P>The irony of this whole situation is this: I am having a hard time picking up a book and reading it right now. I associate too much of the frustration and pain from the situation with the books I read. This is slowly changing as I go back to my girlfriends and talk with them about literature. I also joined an online poetry group and got one of my poems published! My husband and I are also in the process of leaving our current town and moving close to Atlanta where I have accepted a teaching position and he is transferring! This town will definitely keep us busy, and we will be able to explore it all together. One of the needs that my H says he would like for me to meet is joining some type of athletic team. Pray for me that I become coordinated and self-assured in sports. This will be a growing experience for me!