11 years this day. I cant imagine going through a tougher night. I took my children to my mothers, then I came home and sat for hours crying. Its now 12:19am 5/7/00.<P>I sit here thinking of our life together. The good, and the bad. I see us growing closer together, then falling apart.<P>I love my wife, of this there can be no doubt. I still wear my wedding ring. I still tell her I love her every night before I go to bed hoping that the miles will shrink with those 3 words.<P>I know she loves me. I could tell by the little things that she did everyday up until the day she left. I know in my heart that she does, only she believes she loves him more. Can I fight it? No. Can I do a damn thing about it? No.<P>I do not know what I will do in the upcoming hours. I am alone, totally and completely alone, no kids, no wife, nothing and nobody. I have no one I can call and talk to, I have no life outside of my family (wife and kids). A long time ago my wife asked me to raise our children, she could not do it, so I gave up a good job to become a 'stay at home father' while I still worked part time, I never held a 'real job' again. I have lived the last 10 years of my life for my wife and family, putting my own needs and wants second to them. It has cost me, I have no one I can honestly call friend, I have next to nothing left in my life.<P>I have lived for only one reason, to raise my children and be there for my wife, while she went out every Friday night with her friends I sat at home taking care of the family, while she worked, I cleaned the house, while she rested after a long day at work I cooked dinner. I went out only when she invited me along (1 or 2 times a month). When my job interfered with hers, I changed my hours to suite. I sacrificed everything for my wife, and she left me.<P>What do I do, how can a life based on one purpose have any meaning when that purpose is now in the arms of another? How can I justify my life to this point when everything I did was for nothing?<P>I am not talking about killing myself, she killed me on the 19th of April, she killed me, and I just did not see it till now. I do not regret my life, I did what I thought was the right thing to do, I did my duty to my wife and my family. I have no shame at how I have lived my life, I did it for them, for her. <P>I do not know what to do anymore. I have buried my emotions to try to get through this, I have let my emotions pour out trying to deal with this. I sit here, wondering what she is doing at this moment, is she thinking of me.. am I even a distant thought. I do not know what to do, I feel so empty, so lost, so broken. How can I muster the strength to open my eyes in the morning? how do I face another day? how do i tell my kids when the dreaded question is asked "when is mommy coming home?" I don't know one more time? how do I go on?<P>I know many people have gotten through this. I know all the kind words everyone here will say, I know I will wake up tomorrow alone again, I know I will not want to answer the kids questions, I know I will not want to 'do it' anymore.<P>I just want to hold her again, I just want her to say "I am proud of you" again, I just want to kiss her goodnight again, I just want my life back. I am tired of hurting, I am tired of crying, I am tired of it all!<P>I am so tired.<P>Keith

Keith, I don't know what to say to help - I've been through the being left behind part, although it seems so long ago... We have no children, but my nieces and nephews ask "Why doesn't Uncle Frank want to come and see us anymore?" and it tears my heart right out of me...<P>All I can say is I know some of what you are feeling ... and I wish I could make you feel better. It sucks, plain and simple. And, although you don't want to hear this, time WILL help... You WILL make it through this day and the next day and the next day ... the alternative is simply unthinkable, no?<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

I understand. For 14 years, I defined myself as her husband. For six years, as her husband and the father of our children.<P>Now she's gone. I was remembering today the day she left. Did not even take a change of clothes (I guess she had clothes at the OM's house). Didn't even say goodbye to the kids. Almost ran down the steps in her rush to get away.<P>Now, what do I have? I pay 80% of the bills on 50% of the income. I have 70% of the time with the kids, but 100% less help. I have lost my best friend, the one that I thought I could tell anything, would be there for me through thick and thin.<P>Twice today I have had to answer those questions. "I'm so confused. I don't know why mommy doesn't want to live with daddy. It makes me very sad." What do you say? "I know, it makes me sad, too." All the while, I am furious. Wife calls me to cancel seeing the kids for a few minutes after she gets off work. She is tired and needs to go home and take a bath. <P>WHY DON'T YOU TRY COMING TO YOUR REAL HOME AND GIVING YOUR KIDS A BATH SOMETIMES!!!!!!!<P>I feel so overwhelmed I find it difficult to do much of anything. Not a good thing when one is in a Ph.D. program.<P>To tomorrow. May it be a better day.<P>Take care of yourself and your kids.<P>Brian

{{{{{{{{{<B>Keith</B>}}}}}}}},<P>I share your pain...<BR>There are many here who share it dear Keith...<P>Men and women raising their children... with partners who abandoned us.<P>I too wear my wedding ring...<BR>...and will until my W remarries.<P>It is so hard to understand how this could have happened to <B>good</B> people...<BR>...it <B>is</B> so unfair.<P>Keith...<BR>...you are loved you know...<P>I love you...<BR>...don't look down on yourself.<P>You are not a failure...<BR>You are now... a better father than you've ever been!<BR>You are now... a better man than you've ever been!<BR>You are now... a better husband than you've ever been!<P>You may be lonely...<BR>...but you are not alone.<P>I care...<P>I don't know where you stand in your faith...<BR>... <B>this</B> is the best time for a rediscovery no matter how strong or weak it is...<BR>...without my rediscovering my own faith... deeper than ever before... I too would be so lost... in a wilderness of despair!<P>You want to know... will it get better?...<BR>I know you want to know this...<BR>I've always wanted to know it too...<P>I'll tell you right know...<BR>...if you can reach out to your God...<BR>...whoever/whatever that may be...<BR>...it <B>will</B> get better.<P>My W moved out almost 9 month's ago...<BR>...I'll remember that horrific day the rest of my life...<P>...but it has gotten better!!!<P>You sound like a GREAT man...<BR>...not just a good man... but a GREAT man!<P>If you can put your pain into the hands... at the foot of... or anywhere near your interpretation of your God...<BR>...and realize it is time for <B>you</B>...<P>You have spent so much on others...<BR>...you need to now change that focus...<BR>...to <B>YOU</B>!<P>While you continue a Plan A or Plan B...<BR>...both are there to make you better!!!<P>...and it is that <B>making you better</B>... that you can count on only with the help of your faith.<P>You'll find so many here who want to help...<BR>...but you've got to help yourself first<BR>...you've got to want to help yourself!<P>Keith...<BR>...you can do it!!!<P>It won't come overnight...<BR>...but it will.<P>I know you're tired of hurting...<BR>...I'm tired too.<P>I know you're tired of crying...<BR>...I'm tired too.<P>I know you're tired of it all...<BR>...I'm tired too.<P>But the great man that you are will overcome!<P>You push the tiredness away...<BR>...and you can...<P>...and it will bring you a new life...<BR>...maybe not the same...<BR>...but one that will be better.<P>Keith...<BR>You'll make it.<P>Do vent your discouragement...<BR>...we'll boost your spirits...<P>You're never alone!<P> <P>Jim

God bless you and I will pray for God to give you strength during this most difficult time.<P>My brother has raised four boys since they were ages six and younger. I moved in with him for a while to help make the transition becasue he had no choice but to assume all roles. Luckily, I was in my early college years and I could help out with the babysitting and household chores for a while. At least long enough for him to kinda of restructure their schedules. Nevertheless, I'll never forget the total lostness that encompassed my brother.<P>Two of his boys have graduated high school and are in their early college careers. All of his boys are very appreciative of any thing given to them and most of all, they are all very determined young individuals.<P>God Bless You! I wish I could help.

8:23 Am 5/7 In less then 3 hours I would have stood at the alter watching my soon to be wife walking toward me, crying tears of joy at becoming my wife.... flash forward 11 years, and she is not here to remember that day with me.<P>I spent the entire night going through old memories, reading old cards, letters, just remembering and living in the past. I don't know if it did any good, probably not.<P>I read how she was so afraid of losing me, the first couple of years of our marriage were the hardest, little money, little time, life got in our face in a big way. I was 20 and she was 19, and we really had no idea what life was all about. But we made it. We were blessed with two wonderful children, we figured out how to make it, we had our love to get us through anything.<P>Now years later, all of that means nothing to her. I love my wife, but that means nothing to her.<P>I can sit here all day remembering the past, I can sit here all day feeling sorry for myself, I do not think it will do any good. Last night was the hardest night of my life. It was harder to get through then when she went into premature labor and our son Devin was born 3 months too soon (Devin is strong as a ox and healthy.. he is 7 years old now). I have never felt so alone in my life. I still sleep only on my side of the bed (old habits die hard I guess).<P>I do not know what I want to say here, that I am ok? I am not. That I will survive this? I will, but the cost is high. That I love my wife and want her back? I do. I keep trying to give her reasons for what is going on, reasons to make it better for me, but I cant. It all boils down to her wanting what she wants and putting the screws to me and the kids.<P>I am 31 years old now. I have loved Michele for half my life (I met her when I was 15, we dated on and off through high school, then we married) I could not see myself without her, now all I have to do is look in a mirror.<P>I just do not understand this. He is married, with two children, she is married with two children, I guess the odds are in my favor that one of them will want to return home to their spouse, maybe not. <P>I love my wife, I want her back with me. I want life to move on, I want us to be stronger because of this situation, I want a lot, but I think what I want is not important enough anymore.<P>I guess I must get on with things. I have laundry to do, grocery shopping to do, I have to pick the kids up from my mothers house (they spent the night there, I could not let them see me like I was last night), I hate just going through the motions of life, I hate not feeling alive. <P>Keith <aka Bupahs>

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Keith,<P>I am in a very similar similiar situation as you. I dated my h when we were 15 and got married at 23. We also have 2 kids. He also left me for OP. <P>It is so devastating. Especially when I thought I was so lucky to have a wonderful marriage. I always felt so loved by my h and I, like you knows that he loves me too.<P>We got thru all the tough times together like you guys. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years doing everything. When My h was at home, he was a big help with the kids but not with the housework. <P>I think the only think I have in my favor is the fact that I have so much family and friends around, especially including my h family that are all here to help me. In fact just last night i spent the night talking with his two sisters about just how different he has become since he met OP. Everyone is worried about him. <P>But, overall I am all alone with my 2 young kids to do everything by myself as well. I too love my h but at present, he is being very mean to me because the OP husband is giving his wife a tough time and my h is blaming me because I talked to this man 3 months ago. I want my marriage to work but I know that even if he did wake up and decide he wanted to come back, it would be a long time before I would accept him. <P>He needs to get himself in to intense therapy.<P>I do feel that this has made me stronger as a person. I walk around town with my head held high. He is the one hiding from everyone. I did nothing wrong and you need to rememeber that as well.<P>See if you can get yourself into a support group with a local church. I did and it has been wonderful. I have made some great friends thru it and I cherish my time with them. It helps so much to talk to people. So, keep posting here. I'll look for you r posts when I sign on and I promise to respond to you everyday to make sure you are OK><P>Also, remember that GOD does not give anyone more than they can handle and you will get through this. He has a reason for everything. This might be his way of showing your wife what she had all along and she will come back to you a better wife and your marriage will be even better than before. <P>Thats what I'm hoping for!!!