Starla--<P>I personally approve of your choice. Not that my opinion is worth more than a hill of beans, haha..but it's great to know you've decided to leave the past behind, and concentrate on the present and future.<P>Just try to keep the communication lines open with him, provide him his top relationship needs as best you can, and explain to him clearly and lovingly what your own needs are. Guaranteed success? <P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Starla - Sorry I took so long to get back to you after being the one to tell you to trust your gut instinct! So what should you do in the face of your H's denials? There's only one thing you really can do and that's collect evidence, like Toronto suggests. A phone tap could work, though you have to be careful and it's not as easy to do successfully and without your H knowing about it as some people make it sound. Plus it's illegal. You also might go through his stuff looking for love notes, pictures, any incriminating evidence. But one rule above all - make sure he doesn't know you're spying on him until you've got the hard evidence you're looking for. Then confront him. Even then, you're probably right. He'll still deny it, but at least you've got something to go on. I can sympathize, because your H sounds exactly like my W in this regard. I've actually seen her get out of the OM's car and into hers and she still denies anything's going on. In fact, I've twisted myself into knots trying to get her to admit her affair (and tried some pretty sneaky stuff in the process, I've got to admit). All to no avail. So you do have your work cut out for you. But if you truly want to save your marriage (and restore at least a little of your peace of mind) it's what you've got to do.<P>And if you don't think he's cheating NOW, you might want to trust your gut instincts on that too. (In this, I agree with Lucks.) However, I do think you still should try and find out whether he cheated on you before. Otherwise, the issue will just fester and ultimately prevent a restoration of real intimacy and the healing of your marriage. At some point too, your H WILL have to own up to what he's done and make some kind of retribution. That's just the way the moral universe works, "lovebusters" or not.<P>In any case, I wish you all the best in whatever course you decide on. Courage!<P>--Wex

I agree with Wex, in that forewarned is forearmed. I think the majority of us who have experienced that stab of worry, IS he/she cheating on me? can understand. There's a fine line between total trust and assuring everything's ok with your relationship. When all evidence is pointing to an affair, and they STILL deny, it does a head number on us BIG time. You start either distrusting them completely, or disbelieving your own eyes and instincts, NEITHER of which is a good thing. <P>We can't forcefully drag the truth out of them. (how I wish for Mr. Spock's ability to mind-meld with another, wouldn't that be great???? to really, really know what happened, straight from their own thoughts) But we CAN provide an open atmosphere and be the leader in the honesty department. It just might rub off. And...make them feel, for lack of a better word, "safe" when they tell us something intimate. It opens the possibilities of them feeling more confident about confiding more and more, in the future.<P>I think, and have accepted, that my H has done the "little white lie" thing to me a few times. A classic protection thing--wish it away and no one gets hurt. This is a second marriage for us both. I realize it's very hard for him to confide in me, the more intense any emotion becomes. Despite this, he's done so well lately, and it seems it's getting better as time passes. His strongest experience was how his first wife reacted to him, and it must be a painful process for him sometimes with me, wondering will she respond that way TOO if I tell her what I REALLY feel? <P>Oops, I didn't mean to ramble on like that. Bottom line....snooping isn't a bad thing (in my book). There's trust, and we always strive for that. And there's not being an idiot too! Protect your relationship and stay "in the know." Calm confrontations when fearful instincts strike help us get over the hump that much quicker. So I would suggest not to let things fester. Talk about them, when the time is right.<P>------------------<BR>Laura<P>"I cannot care a little for you. I love you only just enough to love you all the way."~~Rod McKuen<BR>

Dazed, I think there was contact before we went on vacation. No proof, just instinct.<P>You should have seen the look on his face at his 40th birthday party, when the "bag lady" roasted him, and it came out about hooters. He was distant, and looked very scared. He knows where I got that information, and I'm sure he's wondering what else I know.<P>I told him that night, tongue in cheek, Honey, that aint all I know. Happy Birthday.<P>I played the game to the hilt, and acted like I didn't care, and tried to make it fun. And it was kinda fun to watch him squirm.<P>But - the next week we went on vacation, and I couldn't hold it in. I almost got left in Bismark ND.<P>Things aren't perfect, but we've done a 150. I believe the honesty and the POJA will help us get to the other 30 degrees. At least is much more tolerable, and we are much more happier, and he is now committed to the marriage, unlike before.

I think that for the sake of our marriage, I'm probably just going to have to go on what I know right now. Snooping would be very difficult since we moved, plus, even though my H is stupid in the sense that he may have cheated, he's intelligent enough not to leave any incriminating evidence around. So, unless he out and out confesses, I'll never know for sure. <BR>I am 99% sure that he is faithful to me now. His time is all accounted for,and his whole attitude towards our relationship has changed. It's just frustrating knowing that I will never know for sure what he has done in the past, but like I said, he will never confess to anything.