Hi Newbie,<BR>Hmm. Well, I still think you guys are suffering from bad communication skills. Ok, so you said you wanted monogamy, but you also said she was a substandard wife (according to Monen) and you moved out and proceeded towards a divorce. Which is she supposed to believe? The good stuff (or the stuff you selectively wanted her to believe now) or the bad stuff?<P>Your actions and your words have not been consistent. Neither have Monens. You both could have made other choices. You both have lost faith in your marriage and are suffering. <P>Here's the deal though. You both are still in a war over the shoulda-woulda-couldas and in your own corners pointing the finger at the other person. We are all responsible for our own actions. We can't control someone else. All you can do is be the best person you can be. <P>Besides, the problems you really need to be focusing on were there before you moved out and before Monen turned to her ex. All of this is the garbage floating on top. The symptom. Your marriage is coming down with a serious case of pneumonia, and you guys are focusing on your runny nose! Once you get past the shock and the hurt, you will need to focus on those problems and figure out how to negotiate and communicate better than you have in the past. <P>

"Hmm. Well, I still think you guys are suffering from bad communication skills."<P>This is true. We have found out where our communication problem lies but we need and are seeing a counselor to find out how to solve it.<P>"Ok, so you said you wanted monogamy, but you also said she was a substandard wife (according to Monen) and you moved out and proceeded towards a divorce. Which is she supposed to believe? The good stuff (or the stuff you selectively wanted her to believe now) or the bad stuff?"<P>Well, me wanting monogamy and what I said about her as a wife are seperate issues. The subst. wife comments were a result of she and I not effectively communicating our expectations of what a husband and wife should do as a team to keep our (and our child's) lives running in an orderly manner. And as bad as it sounds (and obviously the wrong way to do things) I spoke about divorce in order to shock her into a compromise about how a husband and wife should behave as a team. My other efforts had failed and I thought that something as monumental as a divorce would shake her to her senses. I am not discounting selfishness as a motivator behind some of the hardlined stances that I took on things like dishes or laundry. But monogamy was discussed and I still considered us married because we were doing everything that married people do and evevn more of it then before. Now as far as what to believe - I should have communicated it more clearly as to what I thought was going on - my problem lies in that she slept with him 11 days after I 'moved out'. She slept with me 2 days before him and 2 days after him - to me that is selfish and disrespectful. Then she lied to my face, looking in my eyes many times. I still harbor ill feelings about these things (obviously) but as several of you have said I need to decided what I want and let go of the hurt and anger. And I am trying to but it is tough - I am very loyalty minded (you should have seen me after watching Braveheart).<P>"Your actions and your words have not been consistent. Neither have Monens. You both could have made other choices. You both have lost faith in your marriage and are suffering."<P>I agree on all counts.<P>"Once you get past the shock and the hurt, you will need to focus on those problems and figure out how to negotiate and communicate better than you have in the past."<P>We are in counseling now and working on this. Sometimes we run into the whole lieing/adultery issue and it messes things up for a few hours but we are trying. And I have noticed some effort on her part - she did make dinner several nights in a row a few weeks ago. I know that things will work out. Will she love me like I love her? I don't know. But our marriage will survive and hopefully she and I will look back on this when we are both 80 and laugh at our silliness. <P>[/B][/QUOTE]<P>

All of the things you are going through are terrible, and can seem insurmountable. I like your hopefulness! This will be hard, but can be the start of something great. <P>This event has shaken both of you. I'm convinced that marriages can come out of these events much stronger, given both people are willing to look at their contributions to the problems.<P>I understand how the lying would give you pause. Still, work on doing your best to create a safe environment. Even though it (lying) is not a good way to deal with things, you can look at it another way...<BR>She was probably very afraid of losing you. After everything that had happened (moving out and talking about divorce), it would be understandable to have that fear. I'm not making excuses for her, or you, just trying to help you see how fear, anger, etc. can really get in the way of honest communication. Your moving out was an angry response, and you can see that didn't help a whole lot. <P>I'm glad to see you putting things into perspective a little better, and that you are both in counseling. Keep up the good work!!