for the longest time, i demanded that H tell me the "truth", and he kept telling me i was crazy for assumptions i made (like, his car phone and credit cards were where OW was one weekend, but HE wasn't?!?!?).<BR>Well, he made steps the other day to end the relationship with her, big steps. said it had nothing to do with me, even though i had begged him for months to stop contact.<BR>suddenly, the "truth" seems much less important. he knows i know. my heart knew everything all along.<BR>somehow, when i was grasping at anything, hanging on to the fringes of my frayed marriage, having him say it out loud was so important, but now i feel like i can let so much of it go. <BR>it is such a burden lifted.<BR>anybody else feel that way?<P>------------------<BR><A HREF="http://www.go.to/wcu" TARGET=_blank>loveWASblind</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by loveWASblind=lWb:<BR><B>for the longest time, i demanded that H tell me the "truth... Well, he made steps the other day to end the relationship with her, big steps... suddenly, the "truth" seems much less important. anybody else feel that way? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I needed/need to know the truth. According to many therapists, it is through the truth that trust can grow again. We don't share our stories and pain to hurt the betrayed spouse but to heal. When the betrayer is able to show his vulnerability, be honest about his feelings, and trust that you will not batter him because of it, you create a bond with him. When the betrayed has all the facts, she can chose whether the past is something she wants to deal with, whether she wants to continue on with this man, and be forearmed should he try to do it again!<P>I think if you are just ready to sweep it all under the rug without examining how it got to be this way, you are asking for it to happen again. <P>Four years ago, my marriage experienced a betrayal (not infidelity, but still very hurtful). My H said he was sorry. I wanted to put it behind us, so I said I forgave him. Problem was, we never worked through the issue and it is right back in our faces bigger than ever. <P>According to Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, true forgiveness is:<BR>acute awareness of all feelings<BR>cyclical vacillation in attitude<BR>unpredictable at times<BR>many changes in the relationship<BR>focusing on the self and the marriage<BR>ability to talk about feelings with mate<BR>beginning to receive nurturance<BR>freedom, exhilaration<BR>gratitude for changes the affair brought<BR>ability to discuss the incident relatively painfree<BR>greater appreciation for the developing mate<BR>healthy sexuality<BR>growing awareness of your own shortcomings<BR>healthy sense of wholeness without comparing yourself to the OW<P>Denial is:<BR>unawareness of feelings<BR>no vacillations in attitude<BR>no vulnerability with mate<BR>overly predictable relationship<BR>no change in relationship style<BR>focusing on projects outside of self<BR>acting out feelings or suppressing feelings<BR>nurturance received exclusively outside marriage<BR>emotional heaviness, nothing as good as expected<BR>never being thankful for the fallout of the affair<BR>refusal to discuss the affair- intense feelings of shame<BR>less respect than ever for infidel<BR>mental accusations of multiple infidelities<BR>continually placing the sole responsibility for marriage on spouse<BR>victimied feelings (one up, one down)<P>Maybe what you are feeling really is forgiveness, but I'd take a hard look at just dropping all of this without resolution.<BR>

LWB, I read and re-read what you wrote and what you asked....<P>truth is no longer a requirement to move on and build our marriage. Is it still my most important emotional need? you betcha.<P>Because I value truth, I have had to learn how to continue to value an untruthful person... difficult.<P>I'm with ya though, I understand what you are feeling.

I need to add an addendum to this, because something amazing happened last night.<BR>H told me to come to bed and talk, and he told me everything. All of it. and you know, it did not even hurt.<BR>popeye, you're right. if i were to sweep it all under the rug, it WOULD happen again. but notice i said the "truth" (facts of the affair, i meant) is MUCH LESS IMPORTANT- but not totally UNimportant.<BR>if i can reshape my thoughts on it, then i would say i finally "let go and let god".<BR>tnt, yeah, i have the same problem, i value honesty, and he does not, and it's a struggle to deal with his lies and the consequences, but if he can continue to be honest about our relationship, that's what really matters.<BR>

popeye, i just re-read your fabulous post. thank you. but no, i think i am just taking the first baby steps toward forgiveness, we have a LONG way to go (he's intent on divorce still), and im not just going to forget what happened and pretend it didn't.<BR>that's what i kept trying to do before, without realizing that his affair never ended. it was hell on earth...<BR>not going THERE again!