I just confessed three days ago to my wife of almost four years that early in our marriage I have been unfaithful.<P>A little more than a year ago I also got caught up in going to "gentlemen's clubs." At first she and I started going together (I hadn't been since well before we were married), then with co-workers occasionally, and then with my boss a few times when I was out of town. I told her most of the time when I went to one of the clubs, and she didn't really seem to mind. And then one day, she just had had enough and blew up and was ready to leave me. I guess she was having a problem with it, but didn't tell me. I was confused because she had said that it was okay to go with co-workers occasionally and that she didn't care, and didn't want to be "one of those wives who never let their husband look at or talk to another woman." So I stopped and haven't been back since.<P>I also went to counseling because I hadn't disclosed a one-night stand from about six months into our marriage, and also I had also encouraged a topless dancer to fondle me once during a visit to a club during the episode above. I wanted to get understanding on how I was able to do these things, because I really do love my wife and child.<P>Well, so now I've come clean and been honest with my wife. I love her and our 3.5 year old son very much and have assured her that I will not do this again. It has taken much soul-searching to come to this point. My counselor actually suggested that I not tell her.<P>But during my recovery/soul-searching I found God and Christ again and after reading through the MB website, I knew I had to be fully honest with her.<P>But my wife keeps changing her mind on whether she wants to work this out and rebuild. I know it's only been a few days, but we've made love each of the last two nights. I keep telling her that we need to be putting our love units in the love bank and not to keep dwelling on my infidelity. But it's hard for her.<P>When we're together and talking, things are okay and she tells me that she has forgiven me and wants to make it work (especially for our son), but when she's away or sleeping, she changes 180 degrees. The last two nights, a few hours after we've made love, she has woken up and told me that she is leaving. Only after talking with her and explaining that I love her and want to work on this for quite awhile does she change her mind and say she'll stay.<P>I'm just having such a hard time with this. I feel terribly guilty still (I can't believe I did these things!), and her changing positions is tearing me up.<P>I should also mention the fact that she is pregnant (8 months!) I know I picked a horrible time to tell her, but everything in me has been telling me to be honest for a long time, and finally after reading through the MB site I got the courage to do it. She's also said to me throughout our marriage that if ever I was unfaithful to tell her myself, because she'd never forgive me if she found out from someone else.<P>Also, she has been telling me that we had a "perfect marriage." And that "I've ruined that", and it will be hard for her to forget. I've tried to explain to her that no marriage is "perfect," but that we can have that happy, wonderful relationship again if we work on building love units and don't take withdrawls from the love bank.<P>I want this marriage to work for our love and for our children. How can I encourage her to work on this with me? She won't see a counselor. I'm praying hard all the time, but would like advice from any others who have been through a similar situation.<P><BR>

Let me try to be brief.<P>It's going to take more than a few days. It may have happened a long time ago for you but it just happened for her. <P>When she is alone, her fears will run rampent. They will lie to her, she will assume the worst and she will be convinced that you are still sleeping around. It happens. Nothing you can do about it. When you are asleep, she will wake up and lay there obsessing about what you have told her. This is very much like being alone to her. Tell her to wake you any time she can not sleep and talk with her about whatever is bothering her. My wife and I got quite a bit accomplished at 3:00AM so many nights during the first few weeks. ... And be ready to spend several nights awake and petting your wife. When she wakes you up, thank her for waking you and if you are annoyed because you have not slept more than 3 hours in a row for days, never let it show.<P>Let her know where you are at all times. Call her frequently during the day if you can. Spend as much time as possible together; you will need lots of time without the kids when ever you can. Lunch dates are good for this.<P>Finally, ask her to meet us. Most of us here are in her position. Anytime she needs to talk about anything at all, we are here to listen.<P>Again let me repeat this: it will take some time. Months or even years, if you can measure the time in days it is still a fresh wound. Sorry, that's just the way it is. You will want to be done with the guilt and I can say with 100% certianty that she will not want to keep her pain, but it is not just a choice of hers to say "pain no more" and have it all go away. But it will go away given enough time, love and support. You will need to give her these three things in large amounts.<P>I can assure you, the rewards are worth the efforts.<P>[This message has been edited by Joe in TX (edited May 11, 2000).]<BR>My spelling is the pits and the typos just fly when I get emotional about what I write. Just stacks up the "edited" messages when I have to go back and fix stuff.<p>[This message has been edited by Joe in TX (edited May 11, 2000).]

i am where your wife is right now (but my H was in a 3 year affair that ended-maybe-sunday). <BR>There is just such a feeling of loss after discovery, then hatred, then love....and all i want is for him to be here with me, every minute, because then it is "good", when he is gone, it is "bad". You are doing right by her. keep being kind and understanding, and answer her questions and reassure her and be accountable for your time. it will take awhile, but it will be worth it. You'll just have to be patient.<BR>things might change when the baby comes, too. my H was going to leave me until the first time he looked in the baby's eyes, and my desire to leave him faded more quickly than it would have without the baby.<BR>Just keep praying, and give her time to adjust, and if you repentent enough, she'll stop saying she'll leave.

Thanks for your comforting words, it means very much to me.<P>One other thing that I forgot to mention is that her father was terribly unfaithful to the women in his life. I'm pretty sure that my actions have re-confirmed fears that she has held about men and their faithfulness since childhood. (By the way, I didn't know this about her father until well into our marriage.)<P>Regarding, accounting for my time, I'm lucky enough to work from home most of the time. Although I do have a two-day business trip next week. I'll make certain to call her lots while I'm gone.<P>She's definitely making a lot of progress. At first she was very resentful of the baby and wished I hold told her before she was pregnant so that she could make the choice to stay with me and have another baby. In some ways, she feels that I forced it on her, but not being honest with her about the infidelity prior to her becoming pregnant. She even has talked about canceling her baby showers (I think she did cancel one of them.) Also, she's asked me not to come to the hospital for the birth, which is very painful for me, since I was there throughout the birth of our son as her couch and massaged her continuously and even held her right leg up like a human stirrup during the pushing stage.<P>I wish I could undo what I did... I really do love her so much.

As someone in an earlier post said, it's old news to you but for her it just happened. There is no way to describe the horrible, crushing, devestating pain that comes with the discovery. I remember very little about the first week to 10 days after I found out about my H's affair, it's like a black hole in my memory. I remember bits and pieces of conversations but a lot of my recollections don't make sense so I don't know if they "really" happened. I do know that the only thing that got me through it and the only reason we are still together is because my H was so attentive and remorseful and affectionate, etc. and he kept repeating over and over that he loved me and that he would undo it if he could. Just keep telling her those basic things and above all....be there for her. <P>Don't expect her to just wake up one morning and be back to normal....she will NEVER be the same again, and neither will you. That's discouraging, I know, but never going back to "normal" is not the same as never being able to forgive and go forward. The pain will lessen with time but it will flare up unexpectedly (sometimes at very inappropriate moments!) The best thing you can do for her is to show her undevided attention and to be there whenever she needs you, and believe it or not, when she is maddest and pushing you away the hardest is probably when she needs you most.<P>Hang in there, it CAN get better.

Hi Trying,<P>Let me give you your wifes perspective.<P>Tony cheated on me from day one of our life together. I think this might be the frist year he may not cheat on me. When I found out about all his affairs...everything we have ever did was ruined. I have no memory of time with him where some other woman was not involved. It also makes me wonder if I should stay with him. How could he cheat on me when the relationship was new and suppose to be so in love with each other. <P>Even though the last affair, that I know about, has been last year in April I still feel everything is such a sham. We do not have an annerversary any more because he was cheating on me durring it. We do not have a very happy Christmas because I found out more details about another. I hate halloween because I found out about the first. My birthday stinks because he forgot mine because he was too caught up in another. <P>Do you see everything is so un-enjoyable becuase of all the memories. His selfishness amazes me. <P>I too had a father who cheated on my mother. I also was cheated on my ex and best-friend. When Tony and I became serious I begged him not to cheat on me. That if he wanted to be with other women tell me and I would step aside. I have no faith in men at all any more. <P>Just this April I found AOL IM account in his name. He swears that he did not create it. But funny thing it has his name and the password he always uses. Am I suppose to believe him. I do not. I just caulk it up to me finding out about it before he could do anything with it. Now I hate Spring because he always has to have on-line flings then. <P>There is not one single time I feel safe in this relationship. I guess your wife might be thinking the same thing. You cheating on her with a one night stand so early on. Plus factor in the stip clubs. It does not help that she is pregnant. She probably feels violated. You knew that all the time and yet you acted like nothing ever happened. And now that you feel like you want the relationship she is suppose to drop everything and forget everything. I am not saying this is true for you but I am guessing this is how she feels. I feel this of way. And I can not think of one thing Tony can say to prove this to me. Only his actions will show and I just do not see much in the way of actions to prove anything for me. <P>So prove to her that you really love her and would do anything to show that you are 100% commited to her. Expecially if it is something that you would rather not do but she wants it. Above all do not pressure her and just love her like you should have all along. Respect the woman she is and has to become from this ordeal.