This is my first time to post. My H and I are 5 months post D-day and I think our recovery is going well. There is one thing that bothers me on a daily basis and I feel like it is eroding away underneath the surface of our progress. In just about everything I read/see/listen to about affairs, the main focus is that the wandering partner really loves/loved his other person. Sometimes mention will be made that there are affairs that are not based on love and that they should be dealt with differently but I CANNOT find anything that tells me about these other types of affairs. The reason I ask is because my H has maintained from the very beginning that he did not love the other woman. He says he was flattered beyond reason because she was so adoring of him and she chased him relentlessly. He says that her attention was such an enormous stroke to his ego that he did want to be with her sexually but that he never felt love for her. The affair had been going on for over a year when I found out and his response to my confronting him with it was relief. He says that her adoration and leaning on him for everything went quickly from flattery to annoyance to resentment but that he was afraid to quit seeing her because she was also a friend of mine and she threatened to tell me. He broke off immediately by e-mail, telling her that I knew and that she was not to contact either of us ever again. He has shown no signs of depression over losing her although he has cried a river and threatened suicide if I left him. I asked him once if he missed her and his response was a surprised look and then to say that he was SO glad she was gone and that the only way he ever wanted to see her again was in the sights of a rifle.....(he said that with tongue firmly in cheek, he isn't really the violent sort).<P>So, I guess what's bothering me here is that I'm afraid he is telling me all this to save my feelings (violation of Honesty and Openness) but it's having the opposite effect. I need to know if it really is possible to have a relationship like he describes. It's a relief to think that he didn't love her but at the same time, it seems like such a waste to be willing to betray your spouse just for flattery. (and he only ranked admiration 4th on his list of emotional needs).<P>Anyone have any input here? Or know of a book or article that deals with that type of affair and how to identify it?

<BR>JD,<P>Frank Pittman's book _Private Lies_ has a pretty good typology of affairs. Its pro-marriage and I liked it. About the only thing that made me bristle was his phrase "perfectly accidental affair," as if people could somehow be relieved of accountability by simply claiming it was an accident. But that's a small gripe about an otherwise very good book. Good luck.<P>Bystander

Hi Jane,<P>Tony did not love any of his women. Maybe he was friendly with one but over all he did not love any of them. I know this in my very core of my being. <P>While he was having all the affairs I am not sure he loved me. That bothers me more. I feel used. He has told me all along that he has always loved me but I am not sure of that.

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 11:38 AM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Could your H be my H's twin? My H was in his affair for 6 weeks and claimed to never have even loved her. He said that he barely even knew her and only saw her sporadically throughout the 6 weeks. He unfortunately, slept with her 4 times.<P>He is a recovering alcoholic and said that he would be drunk when he would see her, but then, she was drinking too. She accepted his alcohol addiction, whereas, I didn't.<P>She was needy and fed his ego. He thought that I didn't even love or like him anymore. He said that he didn't feel attractive and this OW kept telling him how attractive and great he is.<P>My H is a conflict avoider and what he was doing to me & the kids killed all self-respect that he had for himself. After weeks of this (I didn't even know about this OW), he said that he didn't like the kind of lousy person that he had become. He was ashamed of himself.<P>He broke it off with her immediately upon confession. He didn't seem to go through any withdrawal symptoms with OW. Although this OW kept trying to go after him sporadically for 9 months!<P>We went to therapy, Alanon, AA and have been in marital recovery for over a year. It hasn't been easy, but we are in a better place in our marriage now.<P>I also wonder why a person would risk their marriage and well-being for someone that they don't even care about...

It was pretty much the same for me as with No Trust's situation...a six week fling, four sex encounters (last one resulted in pregnancy) but he claims he never loved her, though he told her he did. He did go through a weird withdrawal thing but I don't believe it had much to do with her than it did the horrible news of the pretgnancy and the guilt, self-loathing and remorse.<P>During those horrible five months after he came home, he would flip-flop between remorse and wanting the marriage to wanting out of the marriage because he had done so much damage and didn't think reparation was possible.<P>He is an alcoholic as well suffering from bipolar and on meds. He's changed so dramatically, you wouldn't know it's the same person.<P>No, he did not love her even if he told her he did or even briefly thought he did for a moment. They only saw each other three weekends and the rest was telephone time. He did and said a lot of stupid things in his alcoholic stage.<P>catnip =^^=

This is completely possible. My H's EA lasted over 2 years with me only discovering after he had asked for a separation and was making plans to go see this OW who lived 400 miles away to begin a PA.Like some of the others who have already posted,he called it off with her upon discovery,although we did separate for two months after that.He was here more than he was away. I never saw H suffer any withdrawl.4 months after d-day he told me he didn't miss her,had no feelings of attatchment towards her and felt no sense of loss. He most recently told me he rarely,if ever thinks about her anymore.He said from the beginning that he never loved her.Completely possible my dear! Good luck!

I am currently having the same experience. My W had a two month affair and said she slept with him only 4 times. She said she never loved him and that she only mildly cared about him. She couldn't even remember his last name!!!<BR>As soon as I found out, she broke off all ties with him and shows no withdrawal symptoms. She also has threatened to kill herself if I was to leave. <BR>I believe that affairs are sometimes fueled by the ego boost generated and the excitement of someone new. Possibly nothing else.<BR>It really does hurt to know that the person who vowed to love you, cherish you and take care of you, would be willing to destroy you (emotionally) and family for someone they hardly cared about. Very selfish indeed.<BR>Anyways, I believe there a quite a few reasons for an affair and an adrenaline rush is a possibility.<BR>Hang in there, he is probably telling you the truth.<BR>