I posted this on the recovery board but havne't gotten any replies. I think there is more traffic here. I am just having a down day.<P>I haven't posted in a long time. I have been lurking though. My h moved back home on April 7th. He is still here... I am glad of that!<BR>I was just looking through some of the posts and it appears that some of us seem to be having a down day. I am one of them. It must be this rainy weather!<P>This morning I was going to go into work an hour late as I had to go to Muffins For Mom's with my third grader. Well, when that was over and I went out to my car, it was pouring down rain! I said the heck with work and went home and called in sick! I decided to take a me day.<P>Things are going alright between my h and me. Today though, I am having a hard time. I am feeling some of those old doubts again! I am feeling afraid that he may be with the ow right now. I don't know if that is the PMS talking or what. He works a lot of hours with his new job. I sort of expected him home earlier tonight. I broke down and drove the 20 minutes it takes to get to his place of work and his car is parked there. The thing is, I have all sorts of wild things running through my head. LIKE, he could have gotten off and walked somewhere to meet the ow. Her workplace is less than a mile from his. I know she was working today and I am so afraid that they could have gotten together when they were done with work. <P>I just haven't been posting because he and I haven't been talking about the affair. I ask him every now and again if he has heard from her. He says no. He still checks his e-mail to see if she has sent him anything. That breaks my heart. I know he misses her.<P>We do talk about the things we want to do together in the future. The hard thing is though, we are both putting in a lot of hours at work so we don't get too much time to talk. I do wait up for him though so we get about half an hour at bedtime. We do go to bed together every night. <P>I was doing good at first but I guess lately all those old icky feelings have been coming up again! I wish I had someone to watch the kids tonight because I would seriously go and spy on my husband just to maybe put my mind at ease! I wish he would call me or something. He didn't say he would be home early tonight. I just assumed he would be. I hate this. I really do!<P>I just hope and pray that things will start getting better for us. They have but I am still scared. I hate it because I don't feel like we are dealing with the issues. I haven't done any love busters since he moved home. I have been so good. He has to really for that matter. I just pray that he doesn't get sucked back into that mess again! <P>I am going to wait up for him tonight. I can't ever go to sleep when he isn't home. I hope he is behaving.<P>I better get my boys to bed! It is going to go and get late on me!<P>Talk to all of you later!<P>Woozy <P>

Woozy,<P>I'm glad you decided to post here again. I know there are a lot of people who have been wondering about you. <P>I already emailed you but I wanted to pop in and say "HI"<P>(((((HUGS)))))<BR>Mitzi

Hi Mitzi,<P>Thanks so much for your reply already. I just can't bring myself to call my h's workplace to see if he is still there. I am trying to tell myself it is all in my head. I can't believe he would leave his car parked at work all evening and not be there. I think he is trying to make a good impression for his boss. His boss knows about the affair and we have talked about it. In fact, I had to go for one interview with him and they asked me to be there when they hired my h.<P>I am just going to stay calm and go to bed and cry my eyes out and then I think I am going to have to talk to my h about my insecurities. I need a little more support from him in that way I guess. <P>Mitzi, I will respond to your e-mail. It may be tomorrow night though. Thanks again for being here for me! <P>Woozy

Woozy, I'm so glad to hear from you, but am sad that you are having a down day. I really think it is normal.. It will take a long time for the trust to rebuild.<P>I think that the Harley's plan for a successful marraige would be helpful.<P>I am not in recovery, but we are going to a joint counseling session next week. I know that if we agree that our goal is to work on the marraige that I would like my H to look at the plan. <P>I think honesty is important, but I think protection is paramount. It would be great if your H would agree to that.<P>Have you thought about going to counseling together to discuss the "issues".<P>Has he discussed any of the issues with you ?? You don't even have to bring up OP, just the issues!!!<P>I am so sorry that you have to feel this way. I understand woozy, I really do. I was thinking today....what is wrong with me that I could have been living my life, thinking things were fine, believing in, accepting, and trusting my H so much and still have this happen. <P>My H has lied so much to me. At some point a few weeks ago he said "everyone has secrets".. "you must have secrets". I thought to myself...no, I haven't lied to my H. I thought he was the one person that I could be myself with....tell everything, have my insecurites safe with.... Am I the only BLOCKHEAD in the world who believes that this is what LOVE is all about???<P>Woozy, your h seems like a non communicator. ( I figured that from your posts) My H is also. I am a communicator, but am so gunshy now that I don't want to communcate. But you have too to move forward. See if you can find some way to begin communicating.

Tootrusting,<P>Thanks! I saw your post earlier and just didn't know what to say, given the way I am feeling today. I really hope the counseling session goes well for you! I hope your h snaps out of that fog soon and gets his head together!<P>I know I am feeling very insecure right now! I was holding up pretty well but tonight I think I am melting down a bit! <P>It is so hard! I have been trying to stay strong through this whole thing. I don't let my h see me cry. I try to put on that happy face all the time. Well, I am starting to wonder if that is the right thing for me to do. I wonder if he should see that I am hurting. I was expecting this to come. I knew it couldn't be a bed of roses. I think it is just harder because he puts in such long days. <P>I sort of set myself up for this today. I had it in my head that he would be home early tonight. He never said he would be and I should have never assumed he would be. Now, that he isn't here, I am all upset and worried. Mitzi said I should call his workplace but I just can't bring myself to do it. He usually doesn't get home until 11pm or so anyway. At least I can confirm that this is true as I am able to talk to the other wives and it is the same for them. Not only that, when my husband is doing ride alongs, they sometimes stop at our house in the truck. It is always almost 10pm when they stop. Then they have to drive another 20 or so minutes to get back to work and then they have stuff they do there to finish up their day.<P>I guess I have just been keeping my feelings all bottled up to spare my h's feelings. We talk a little about it here and there. But, it is only a little. I don't need to go into great detail but I think I need him to understand how vulnerable I am right now. I did tell him one night that I am vulnerable. He said he knew that. I just need a lot of reassurance. <P>The stupid thing is, he has been much more loving to me this last week and it is becoming more natural for him again. Somehow, that even has me worried! What am I thinking? <P>My h refuses to go to counseling. This is something he has always told me. I mean from before we were ever even married. He had to go to counseling when his parents were getting divorced. It was horrible for him and in some ways, scarred him for life.<P>I think I will take my book to bed with me tonight and read the successful marriage section.<P>My h is definitely a non-communicator since he started this affair. Pre-affair, we always talked. We need to take sometime for each other. We have work we need to do. Somehow, I will figure out a way.<P>Is it a lovebuster for me to cry in front of him? I haven't done that at all. I think I need to start talking about my feelings. I am going to go nuts if I don't. I need his support in this too.<P>Life sure does suck sometimes! I better go to bed so I can read and have a good old cry! I haven't done that in a long time! I think I am due!<P>I will be thinking of you Tootrusting and hoping things go well for you!<P>Woozy

Woozy, you'll have down days. I still do. In fact as it was going on 10:15 tonite I wondered when Jack would call that he's coming home. I was starting to get nervous (could never tell him tho' major major LB) & thot, oh, here we just had a great talk last nite about The Past, & I think everything is so great & now it's all going to come back. Then Jack called & said he had a great day - over $1300 & he has a new route he's building & it usually only does 1/2 that today. So he was so excited he was one of "the big boys" today, & I'm home letting doubts creep in. So it does happen. Some little thing can trigger that feeling of abandonment or whatever you want to call it. Thing is, the way you handle it when it comes up is the difference. Be calm & plan A again. You know I did 3 or 4 plan A's w/ Jack, & he said everything I did helped.<BR>Praying for you. <P><P>------------------<BR>Kallie (Hope should be my middle name )

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Woozy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>You've got mail! <P>Hang in there, Sweetie, remember, WE'RE healing too and there are bound to be "those days!" Just understand that and ride them out - just like you learned to do before (it does seem harder now though, doesn't it? )<P>Talk to you later.<P>Love and hugs,<P>Lori

Woozy, hang in there!!! I know what you mean about the communicating part. My H can not seem to talk to me now at all. Of course he says that is Our problem....<P>Yet, his family (mom and sibs) and our friends (inc. other husbands) say they never saw us not talking. They say I was always attentive.<P>I just don't know what happened to our H's.<P>Maybe we have to search for different routes of communication!!!! Perhaps you could write letters. I was thinking of that also. I have been e-mailing my H for the past 2 months. At first he didn't even respond. then he would with a one sentence reply but unsigned. Now he will respond via e-mail (and name) or verbally.<P>I am thinking if we run into trouble talking. (he is conflict avoider) if it will be easier for him to write letters in response to mine.<P>I'm sorry about the counseling thing. I think it is a good idea to have a mediator.<P>Did you tell me if he read any of the books?<P>If he doesn't want to read the whole book maybe you can copy certain sections at a time. Like right now the POJA would be a good one. Maybe you can hand it to him and ask him what he thinks about it.....always telling him you are committed to him and the marraige and you just want to make it the best marraige for the both of you!!!!!<P>Keep posting to us when you are down...we'll help you through it!!!!

Hi Woozy,<P>Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am going through a similiar situation and it is so hard not to let the doubts overcome you. I even found out new information that leads me to believe that my husbands "friendship" was really alot more like an affair than the just friends that he led me to believe. He is home and we're doing great, then I found this new crap and it is so hard not to go back to my love busting. You can read my post and see that we all have the same feelings you do while in recovery. You are totally normal to feel the way you do. I will pray that you get through, please pray for me too. I wish you the best.<P>Cindy

Hi Woozy,<P> I think what you are going through is completely normal....you should NOT trust your H ....is he doing things to make you feel safe and to be more accountable?<P> We've been in recovery one year and I have felt the way you have for most of it....and we moved 6hrs. away.....it's a very, very hard place to be in.........LU

Thanks to all of you! Just a little update on the situation! My h got home at 11pm... He ended up going on a ride along instead of building more customers. Kallie, you know what I mean! Well, when he does the ride alongs, he usually doesn't get home until 11. I feel pretty confident that he was telling me the truth. He brought home ice cream too. <P>I am worried I committed a love buster this morning. I asked him to check his e-mail that he used to communicate with the ow. I asked him to check it while I was in the room. I just needed that reassurance! Well, he didn't hesitate to check it and lo and behold, there was no mail from her. He got up and went into the other room. I went in there a little bit later and he had tears in his eyes. That was very hard for me to take. I know it was because he misses her and I went and made him think about her. That has been my main purpose in our recovery... NOT TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE HIM THINK ABOUT HER! So, what do I do? I make him think about her and bring tears to his eyes! I wish I hadn't done that at all! I guess I have learned a lesson now! <P>After that fiasco, I apologized to him for asking him to do that. I told him that I was feeling insecure. He told me he was sorry and he seemed sincere. I just wish he didn't miss her. That is expecting too much! <P>I guess I will be doing damage control this weekend! I need to appear strong again! I need to stay focused on us and not her!<P>I guess what I hate is that feeling that if I do the slightest thing to set him off, he will run back to her. He hasn't hinted in the least that he wants to be with her. He has been for the most part, very happy to be home. I need to keep him feeling happy to be home! So, I must work at it a little harder! I will remember to come here for support!<P>Kallie~ Thanks for your support! I am so glad to hear Jack had a good day yesterday! My h was excited last night because the guy he rode along with let him go to people's doors by himself and do the selling on his own. So, he was proud of himself! I wish I could have had more faith in him last night! I hate it that it is a love buster to feel insecure and let them know you feel that way! I guess it is good to just say I need some reassurance from time to time! I do! I am glad things are going so good for you and Jack! Keep up the great work! <P>Lori~ I got your e-mail and replied! Thanks so much for being there for me! I hope my h doesn't think of what I did today as a love buster! I just had a weak moment! You are right, it does tend to be harder now sometimes! Darn it all! I sure do wish it wasn't that way!<P>Tootrusting~ Thanks for the advice! My h did read some of SAA. Not the whole thing though! I did get him a card last night and wrote a brief message in it. I am praying that your h wakes up soon! In some ways, I feel like our situations are a lot a like! My h loved me soooo much and then WHAM!!! Like a ton of bricks this came out of nowhere! It sucks! You hang in there too and keep Plan A'ing!<P>Cindy~ Thanks for telling me I am not the only one that feels this way! It is good to know that I am not losing my mind! You hang in there too!<P>Lu~ My h just works a lot! He is home on the weekends and every night. We have pretty good weekends. On the weekends he is good about making me feel secure. It is just during the week that I start to feel insecure. We both work so much and he comes home late at night. Kallie knows about that because her h works for the same co. mine does, just in different states. So, I guess he is doing what he is capable of to make me feel better. He is loving me and holds me when we go to sleep!<P>I am just going to try and not commit anymore lovebusters! I am going to try and make sure we have a good weekend! Hopefully, just the two of us will be able to get away for awhile!<P>Well, I better get some stuff done around the house! We are going home tomorrow to visit our mom's.<P>Thanks to all of you for your support!!!<P>Woozy

{{{{WOOZY}}}}}<P>I am never over here, always on the divorce side now. Actually signed in here by accident. <P>I too am having a BAD day. I have been crying all day and I can't figure out why. It is terrible. I feel like I can't get myself motivated or just feel anything other than tears today.<P>Sorry to hear your down too. Haven't heard from you in a while, but Mitzi has my email address if you to talk, you can get it from her again.<P>Was hoping to hear some good news from you, has it really been a month, since he's been back?<P>Life seems to be passing me by and I can't even remember it half the time.<P>Prayers and hugs Woozy,<P>Dana<BR>

Hey woozy, do NOT be so quick to assume that the tears in your H's eyes were because he missed OW> <P>He came back to you!!! Maybe he had tears in his eyes because of the hurt he caused YOU!!!!! Maybe he is worried that you can never trust him again (and rightfully so)<P>Woozy, you assume that this is what the tears are about!!!! YOU!!!! You loved him. He know that... that is what it is all about. You believe this and behave like this is the case.....You are the one your H's loves....not OP!!!!!! She was just the "feeling" or the "drug" to make himself feel better (about what) at the time.<P><BR>Remind me of this when I feel the way you do will ya!!!!!!