I'm still here :-) My H is still heavily and daily involved with OW via computer and he mentioned 2 things recently that made me realize that I need to be proactive and not reactive. 1) He is goign to visit his parents next week and he has not told them anything about what is going on between us. (I think he is afraid/ashamed of their reaction this is his second marriage)<BR>2) When they come to visit in June, he wants me to move downstairs into the room that he has been sleeping in (with reminders of OW everywhere!) so that his parents can have the room they always have. AM I CRAZY?<BR>IS THIS DENIAL OR SURVIVAL?<P>I told him that I would think about moving down (and he would move into yet another room!),but, that the idea doesn't sound appealing to me. I do not wish to continue any type of charade with my IL's. I am not the one who grew up always having it so I am not afraid of losing their financial support. I love these people and I do not want to deceive them anymore and I certainly do not want to pretent for his sake so that when they go home, he can continue with his life without any regard to me or our marriage. So.... I mailed a non attacking but truthful letter telling his mom what has transpired between us for the past 9 mos and I asked her to forgive us both and to try to talk with her son when he comes to visit. <P>I believe that what I did was right but now I am really nervous that if/when my H learns what I have done, he is going to freak! Any advice on how to handle his potential anger that I chose to tell his parents finally!?<P>Although I am taking baby steps on the path to D, I have not yet done anything formal or irreversible, but, I do believe that it would take a miracle to save our marriage at this point. Please help me with this confusion.

Hannah,<BR>If your H feels that you try to turn his parents against him you might have done a lot of damage. Is there any way you can reverse what you've done?<P>I don't know if this is an appropriate thing to do, but I guess telling his mother that she can't tell son that you have informed them might be a way around it. They can always pretend to find out another way "Son, I can see that there is something bothering you, is there anything you want to tell me?".<P>scandinavian

I appreciate your prompt reply. I also realize that he may take the defensive position. However, I was extrememely careful NOT to write anything that was an attack on him. I merely tried to prepare them for the reality of our marriage ending (without actually using the "D" word.) For months, whenever there was a birthday or holiday that H&I would normally call them and talk together and sing Happy Birthday, we would continue to do this. The last time, he came upstairs crying and thanked me for doing it. <P>I am historically by nature a pretty "brutally" honest kind of person. To participate in the charade to his prents has taken a lot out of my own feelings of worth. <P>I felt guilty pretending to them even if it kept them (& my H) happy with the illusion<BR>of normalcy....<P>When I realized that my H wanted me to go so far as to not let them know that I am sleeping upstairs, I decided "Enough is enough." My H doesn't know yet, but, my solution to having them come up and visit is to just spend that time visiting my family. I would prefer to do that rather than move into his room.<P>Perhaps this action will cause things to come to a head, but, I think it is about time. His mom tends to put her head in the sand when unpleasant things come up and my H is very much like that also. It is not my way of living. To continue this pretense for whatever reasons and then have to endure my H acting as if everything is perfectly fine while they are here would be for me, like living in a loony bin! <P>I do not expect you to completely understand but I do appreciate your advice. No, I don't think I even want to ask his mom to not say anything. Frankly, I'll be surprised if she does bring it up. Really, my own reasons for telling her were so that she & her husband would be more fair & compassionate towards me when the D proceedings begin. You see, for the entire time H & I have been married, the ony two sources of income for our home & life were my income & his parents gifts to us. 'Nuf said!

<P>Hi Hannah, <BR>We have had two visits from my IL's, whom I love dearly, since D day (discovery day). Neither of us want to burden them (they are elderly) with our problems, though I would welcome my MIL's wisdom. We both agree the stress would not be good for them. They slept in the spare room (I moved out of it and cleaned it up and removed all traces of having made it my safe place) and we enjoyed their visit. As soon as they went home I went back to sleep in there again. We are hiding our problems ("Continuing a charade") because we both for now want to keep the thing out of the public eye and away from our son. (As far as Momma sleeping in the spare room, my H told Junior that I can't sleep with his snoring).<P>Is your H's intention to have things continue as before once the IL's leave? For you to return to your own bedrooms, for him to continue intense contact with OW via compuer? Does he want to enter counseling, work to reconcile? Or is he decided to end the marriage? <P>This is a dilemma, whether to deceive the innocent IL's to protect them, or to respect them enough to allow them to know the truth. <P>We're still nominally working on the marriage in counseling, I really can't tell where it's going to go. Can't tell whether H is only doing this to please me (He is a Giver) or because secretly he wants to restore our marriage.<P>The letter is sent, the damage (if it is damage) is done. Can your MIL handle being discrete and saying to your H "I notice you seem troubled, is there something you would like to talk about? I'm here for you." Does she have that kind of self-control?<P>I also wrote a letter to an IL, my H's brother, asking him to talk to H about depression (I didn't get into the OW; just said that H told me he realizes he isn't happy with me, and doesn't see us being married for always, and that he had been lying to himself for years). BIL was also concerned, he and his W had noticed how bad my H looked, and my letter confirmed that there was a problem. I told BIL it was okay to admit that my letter had prompted his tel. call. I didn't ask BIL for update, didn't try to enlist him to my side as a spy, just asked him to get involved out of love. Of course, H took it as my not caring about his wishes, pure selfishness, was very angry with me. (Was that a LB? Must ask Steve Harley some time). <P>You take a risk no matter what you do. Your H could see the letter as an effort to win IL's to your side and turn them against him. Could see it as one more sign that you only care about what you want, not what he wants (to quote my H). <P>What is your H's ultimate wish? Divorce? Continue on status quo, no work on marriage, having a secret life? Other than sleeping apart, (a real sad thing) has he made any further plans to break up the marriage? What kind of plans does he talk about for his future? <BR>

One last thing.. H is 49. His parents are devoted to their two children. I do not think that, at this point in H's life, if he has found his true love, his parents are not going to go against him. They will be confused perhaps and disappointed as they love me also, but, I emphasized in the letter that I know & trust that both I and his mom both wish happiness for him. <P>Frankly, I do not think they have ever challenged what he did or how he chose to live and I really don't think they are about to start now...I may be wrong, but, I don't think so..... My H's sister lives in the same town as we do and she has a family. She knows what the story is between he & I and the two times that I have spoken with her, she said that it is difficult, painful & awkward for her too, but, that she & her husband need to "keep out of it." and wait to see what happens. She also reminded me that she is still friendly with his first wife. I asked my BIL to try to talk to my H months ago but he said he couldn't. He said my H is one of those people that he just doesn't really understand. <P>No one wants to address this head on. H certainly doesn't want to talk to anyone who is not 100% supportive of his actions. I understand and accept that. However, I will not pretend to his parents any longer. <P>My H might even be grateful that I had the strength to finally tell them. He hasn't been able to.<BR>

Hannah,<P>I believe you should tell your H you wrote his parents & told them what is going on. Let him know you didn't do it for "revenge" or whatever, but that you are not going to be playing head games with them. Also, they need to know what is going on as it concerns there son.<P>Let him go ahead & get pissed off (he will). Just do not let him get to you ala' Plan A.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Bellevue, thanks for replying. To the best of my knowledge, yes, H wishes to return to the status quo once they are gone. H told me since Dec that he had given up on the marriage, then in March, admitted doubts. But then in April, he went to visit OW & her boyfriend, and has not spoken of his wishes since that time and frankly, I stopped asking. All I know is that, now, he moves his computer into the bedroom for his days off and stays in there, is buying her gifts Neither of us are making any attempt to reconcile. I tried my best - mediocre attempt at Plan A - but I am losing love & respect for him as time goes on. I wish to move on in my life and learn what God's plans are (with my help) (I do not believe God wants me to stay here and suffer) ... H seems to be happier living as he does now. He knows that I love him but it no longer matters to him. <P>I can understand the motivation for you keeping the knowledge from your IL's and I admire your compassion. I tried to pretend back in November when we all went on a family vacation (H had recently admitted being infatuated with OW)It was a disaster. Whenever we were alone, I was miserable. I drank. I yelled and cried and was LB'ing all over for the entire week. That was according to my H when he realized the marriage was over... (He spent all summer on the computer with OW but that had NOTHING to do with the breakup of our marriage!) Yeah, right....<P>So.... the letter is in their home by now and not surprisingly, MIL has not called. I really do not know what her reaction, if any, will be. She may try to talk with him, she may let him choose the topics. I don't think she'll come at him head on.. That's not her style. My H had not been closely involved with his family for years until we got together. I hope that she doesn't think that he will go into his shell again if we break up and if she does think that, then she might say soemthing.. I really don't know. Just keep us in your prayers, ok?<P>I made a copy of the letter and re-read it yesterday. I really didn't say anything that attacked him. I appealed to her love and compassion and just asked her to help us get through this easily and with decency.

Hi Chris, you wrote:<P>"Just do not let him get to you ala' Plan A".<P>What do you mean by this?<P>Also, I have considered telling him. I'll think about it some more and decide before he leaves to go visit them this Monday.<P>Thank you for your advice.<P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Hannah:<BR><B>I also realize that he may take the defensive position. However, I was extrememely careful NOT to write anything that was an attack on him. ...Perhaps this action will cause things to come to a head, but, I think it is about time. His mom tends to put her head in the sand when unpleasant things come up and my H is very much like that also. It is not my way of living. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well! I am always surprised how my situation is so un-unique! I am in the same boat. My in-laws are coming TODAY and all they know is that we are separated. They don't know why or anything else about anything.<P>Our divorce has been filed and is about to become final soon. Since they have not bothered to give me the time of day, I wrote them a nice letter saying "good-bye". I am the rather blunt type too and have often been misunderstood, and this gesture was also misunderstood. They are the bury their head in the sand type family who stick together no matter what. My words were not meant to manipulate some kind of outcome, but that is what I am accused of. They were from the heart and done because I was feeling some warmth for them because my family has been so great.<P>Anyway, my H thought it was fine until he saw their strange reaction. Now I am the bad guy for "stirring stuff up." (whatever)<P>My consolation is that some day this is all going to come out and they won't have me to blame for hurting the family because I am not saying a word! As for now, as far as they are concerned, it's all my fault and I deserve to be left.<P>Don't worry about what they think. If your in-laws are like mine, who cares now anyway? Good riddance!

<BR>Dear Hannah, <P>This is scarey stuff, this Spouses falling in love with others. I can't believe the kind of person I become when I start love-busting, my bad behaviors are always triggered by mention of the OW's name, or my discovery of yet another contact he has with her. Gosh, I'm sorry for all of us. And it makes him say that if I really loved him, I'd never say such things. I never did, until he started building his emotional life around her. I feel like the evil witch, breaking up the pure and innocent true lovers. He made me doubt my sanity, grrr.<P>I hate to remember the arguments we had around the holidays. They were the worst.<P>I too am now imagining what my life would be like without this pain, doubt and feeling of betrayal. <P>I have felt ugly and ashamed of my appearance for a long time. But one day recently at a medical appointment, I caught a look at a pretty woman in a 3 way mirror, smiling and talking and I was startled. I didn't recognize myself for a second! The mirror was in an odd place, so I didn't expect to see my reflection. (The old grief weight loss diet at work.) <P>

I mean you need to NOT let him get you riled up and arguing over it. Be in the best Plan A you can.<P>About telling him. You need to be honest with him.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

When you tell him, make it about YOU not him. No need to defend yourself if you are hearing about someone else, ya know.<P>I feel....when.......I need........<P>Well, now you know how the family learned to stick their head in the sand. (MIL)<P>Also, you realize - for a person who prefers sand to good ole' air..... that the enemy is the person telling them reality - no matter how nice they try to be about it... It is like a bomb could be going off, and you with your good intentions could be trying to urge them out of the sand and into safety. They see the bomb as not the problem, but the person who is telling them about the bomb. <P>I really believe this is how conflict avoiders feel. I am not a conflict avoider, but I have been married to one for 10 years. Just forwarning you - you are not going to get much support at addressing the "truth" with an entire family of conflict avoiders.<P>TNT

To all who have replied, a heartfelt hug {{{{{{{{YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE}}}}}}}}}}<P>It's funny, but, even the problems in our marriage began when I ~seemed~ to be the only one who ever wanted to simply "talk" about whatever stuff was going on..... He would consistently say "Everything's fine.. Don't worry. We have a great life." This went on for months and months. The more he refused to even admit we had a problem, the more I either got 1) scared (ANGRY) that this WAS what his/my/our life was to be as far as HE was concerned and he WAS happy with things exactly how they were, and/or 2) Angry (SCARED) that he would/could not even admit that we had a problem and therefore, I felt unable to begin to "fix" whatever the problem was (as far as I was concerned) I'll admit that, had I tried to be more loving and kind and the best possible person I could be (Plan A), perhaps he might have not felt the need to go elsewhere, but, I did the best that I could under the circumstances with my own baggage and experiences and observations of my own parents, and in that regard, I am beyond regret.<P>I also realize the possibility that my IL's may look at me as the source of the problem (or just want to "shoot the messenger") and therefore, not be supportive in any way towards me. I can live with that risk. <P>I will let him know that I wrote to his mom. I know that is the right thing to do. I was being a chicken. I will try to explain why without putting him in the position to explain or defend himself in any way....<P>I am once again, grateful and glad that I decided to come back to this site to share and learn. All of you are great for taking the time and trying to assist!!

Well, here's a new day. I have an appointment to see an att'y for advice. H picked me up in the car from the airport last night and asked me if I had started thining about how to split things up. I said no but that I would. He then asked about our CD collection!! I calmly said that this is not a priority for me at the moment. He also said he's had enough of the marriage too. He has started to get a slightly angry tone to his voice. He left today to visit his parents. (I wrote H a long letter on Friday night telling him that I could no longer stand our life as it is and that I acceptp that our marriage is over.) I am now scared and just want to protect myself from having to leave without anything. I belive that I am entitled to something since I contributed a lot but who the heck knows? That's why I am seeing a pro. My H asked me not to use "his" computer while I was gone. I ignored his request and looked. Saw a few things I didn't like but then, I am not surprised. I feel smarmy poking around but I have this need to know!! When I am gone, that need will be gone also, I pray.

I forgot to mention that when I let H read the letter I mailed to his mom, he got really angry because I only took one sentence to blame me and the rest of the 3 pages was about him & the factual progression of the relationship with OW. He claimed he was just going to tell his parents that we were "struggling" no details.. So now, he has to possibly explain what caused him to withdraw fromt he marriage. Most likely, I will become the evil one. I don't mind. I just wanted them to know the truth as opposed to his glossing over just how intolerable it is.. I guess I am sad and sorry we are ending but he no longer cares. He really doesn't.