Here is the scoop. H has been home for 3 months after living with ow for 2 months and breaking it off. H said during the first couple of months, that he really didnt feel a lot of withdrawal.. He started doing things to build my trust etc.. I thought he was doing pretty good, but then noticed a little distancing from him... I was right.. Last week, we got into an argument because I went to work at 10pm (I work 3rds), and when I called him at 1040pm, he was not there).. I paged him and he did not answer my page.. claims he never got it.. said he went out with the guys to watch Monday night football (my gut tells me he was with her).. dont know yet.. Anyhow.. we got into an argument because I questioned where he was, why he did not tell me before I left for work where he was going or page me etc. He got defensive and said "I cant live like this" what a crock.. Anyhow.. I pushed and got some answers... Sure enough.. ow has been contacting him.. she has paged him a few times telling him she misses him etc.. H admitted that he is struggling..says he thinks he wants to be married but isnt 100% sure. Says he isnt 100% happy.. that it is him, not me.. Anyhow, we talked a lot and both realized that the contact with her sent him back into withdrawal.. I asked him to get rid of his pager and to write her a letter to tell her to leave him alone.. He said he would, and he hasnt yet.. H says he is waiting on some money she owes him and doesnt want to make her mad until he gets the money.. I really dont care about the money.(should be coming in a week or 2).. It is tough to just keep hanging on, giving everything and not getting anything.. feeling like your H would rather be someplace else.. Sometimes I wonder why I am hanging in there.. I had a lot of hope, and wammo... I read some stuff that helped me understand that this is common.. What do I do? When we got into our discussion, H told me that he sometimes wondered if he wasnt just staying with me because of the house (newly built) and for financial reasons.. He also said he feels like sometimes he is just going through the motions with me.. That was so hard to hear.. Is it the withdrawal talking? The next day he pages me and tells me he loves me and is in a good mood and acts as though everything is ok..<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited September 09, 1999).]

Do anything you can to get him to relax and enjoy himself. A home cooked meal, a favorite TV program taped for him, peace and quiet, not being needy and demanding around him. Make home a place a refuge. Not a place where he will be interrogated under a bright light by a detective "where have you been, where were you on the night of August 11th, do you love me, are we going to stay married, etc."<P>You seem very well educated on the concept of withdrawal. With that knowledge, you have more strength to do the hard part. Meeting his needs during this time when he cannot meet yours.<P>If he's sad missing her, fake it. You've got a lot to be sad about, be sad with him. Put on a favorite love song, "your song" from your dating days. Have a good cry together. You won't be crying for the same reasons he is, but he won't know the difference. You'll be a friend, a drinking buddy, one of my best pals, etc. I know it doesn't sound like a nice label, but it will lead to loving you again. Share his pain, don't try to make it go away. He will love you for it, you will bond. So get that Kleenex box handy! Good luck.<BR>

Mickey,<P>I don't have any advice but your story sounds so much like mine except h is not living with ow.<P>He stopped ansering his cell phone and pages a couple weeks ago when he would go out at night. I've now found out that he is still in contact with her. He is not happy. It is not me it is him. He is not 100% sure he wants to be married but he loves me. I've told him over and over that she has to be completely out of the picture and he can't do it. He was here last night very happy upbeat suggesting outings etc. It's very confusing isn't it. <P>Hang in there, I know exactly how you feel!<P>

Thanks so much everyone.. Just getting encouragement and knowing others are with me really helps.. I am trying to be strong.. I agree the part about trying not to be a detective..its hard for me because that is what I do for a living.. so I put that aside..nothing urks my H more than me playing detective.. One question is that what do I do about the pager and the letter he is supposed to write.. brought it up twice and it hasnt happen.. do I demand?? or is that a lovebuster..

Hi mickey (and BTW, thanks for posting the excerpt from Private Lies) --<P>It sounds to me like you need to start looking into Plan A. There is a pretty good section on this webpage that covers both Plan A and Plan B. Check 'em out.<P>With regards to your question whether you should demand stuff from your husband, I'll quote right from the Plan A section of the webpage:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, Disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So, according to Dr. Harley, you should not make demands. Easier said than done, though, huh?<P>--andy<P>

Ah, yes, the "I can't live like this" or better (worse, I mean) yet, "I can't live with you." Well, gee, if he'd actually stop contacting her or letting her contact him maybe it would help?<P>Do the best Plan A you can without being a doormat. Oh, yes, I'm walking that nylon thread of a tightrope myself.<P>No advice here either, except I'm on a time crunch and WILL NOT mention her, ask about contact for the next 18 days. I've got 2 days down...home is safe, pleasant, fun. I better write it on my hand . I suppose my forehead would be too obvious.

Ya know.. I didnt even think about getting back into plan A because I had thought that it was over with her, but you are right, time for me to look into it!! I am gonna set goals too Lor.. We go on vacation for 1 and 1/2 weeks, so it will be an easy start.. I think I will not mention anything, and just have fun with him... Whenever things get bad for me, I think about how awful I felt when he was gone and living with her.. That keeps me going.. .. Its like I am trying so hard to make things great, and I try not to disagree with him even when in my mind I want to sometimes.. I feel like I dont have any control.. like one fight or argument or wrong move will send him back to her.. Yuk... <p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited September 09, 1999).]

mickey,<P>Isn't there a way for you to disagree without lovebusting behavior? Plan A isn't an all-out no conflict plan. It's an avoid-love-busters plan (no angry outburst, no disrespect, no demands). Certainly there's room there for polite disagreements? Negotiations? etc...<P>Again, I understand all that is way easier said than done! <P>--andy

Yeah Andy.. I need to re-read the plan A stuff.. I am not real up to snuff on it.. I am curious.. since you are going through withdrawal, tell me what you would need your wife to do right now.. what are things that would help you, what things dont you like.. Are your feelings consistant with plan A theories?

mickey,<P>My wife is actually unconciously doing Plan A right now. Which is ironic, cuz my withdrawal has receded alot recently. Back when my withdrawal was in full swing, my wife was doing alot of lovebusting (again, without realizing it). She made demands, she had angry outbursts, she disrepected me plenty! (not that I didn't deserve any of that, mind you!)<P>When I was in heavy duty withdrawal before, I don't think anything my wife did would've really mattered to me, the way I was feeling. I was completely depressed and completely withdrawn from her. The benefits of Plan A come into play after the withdrawal recedes and is gone. Acting loving and nice will be remembered, and it will be easier for hubby to remember why he loved you in the first place, and why he chose to stay with you. Recovery is made easier in this way.<P>I think the best thing my wife could've done while I was in withdrawal was have just a little empathy for my pain. Not understanding or sympathy, but empathy... just to realize that I was hurt. That would've been a huge thing for me. She really wasn't able to do that. Of course, I completely understand her feelings. And I know it's SO hard for most betrayed to do that. I'm not angry or hurt by the fact that my wife didn't recognize my pain. But it would've been better.<P>--andy

Hi Andy,<BR> It's good to see you posting again...so how is it going? It sounds like it's getting better....how are you feeling towards your W?How is she doing?<BR> I'm wondering since it's been 41/2 mos. since my H has been back and it's been rough but finally I think things are coming around....don't ever want to go through that again....Lu

Andy, I am pretty sure (as of today), that H has been sneaking out at night to see ow while I am at work.. It has been once in a while... I dont know what to do or say.. Tomorrow we are supposed to leave for vacation.<p>[This message has been edited by mickey65 (edited September 09, 1999).]

Lu -- things seem to be going much better with my wife as of late. We're getting along very well, no fighting, talking alot about emotional needs, having great sex... My wife is doing good. She seems to be over most of her anger. And for me, withdrawal is getting better as well. I still think of OW alot, but it's definitetly not as painful as it used to be. Glad to hear that you and your hubby are doing well.<P>mickey -- I think it's important that you make him aware that seeing the OW is against your wishes. He needs to know that you disapprove of his current actions and hope he will stop (no demands). Hopefully you can do that without love-busting and getting into a big fight. I think that is well within the bounds of Plan A. If he starts getting all defensive and stuff, you should probably drop the subject, as long as he gets the point. It sucks that he may still be seeing her. But hopefully, you can still have a good vacation!<P>--andy

My name is Mike..I am mickey65's H..and this is my first posting..and this is all very new to me..I must first say to those that have responded to my wife (airheart,freedom, ect...), I am very suprised by the responses she had gotten..I expected to get "thrashed" by alot of people but that has not been the case..I Thank You all for that...I LOVE my wife but have encountered something I never thought I would have to worry about...an ADDICTION..I don't drink or use drugs so I get to experience it in a way I never thought possible...with another woman...I am going thru some serious withdrawls right now ( and have been on and off for some time) and sometimes feel I cannot beat this thing....My wife has done everything she can do to keep us together..She is a very strong person...stronger than I ever imagined..and I do love her..Sometimes I get so focused on breaking off contact with the OW and I do real well..other times, I feel like I lose control and I slip backwards...My wife has encouraged me to contact "freedom" and "airheart" and seek out some advice..and it's a big step for me to do this...but here I am...any advice anyone has, I will read...Help me get away from this OW so I can rededicate myself to my wife ! Remember, this is my first posting........Mike

Mickey, it seems to me that getting out of plan A is a big mistake. I don't see where plan A should end! Disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts and all the lovebusters are what actually promoted my husband's affair. I've decided to live plan A with my husband the rest of my life. I blow it every once in a while, but oh well, there is always tomorrow.<P>I think eventually your husband will overcome his addiction, it is just he hasn't discovered how to yet. His willingness is there, and that is 95% of the battle. <P>I think ending the affair should be COLD turkey, but everyone has their style, their pace, and their own unique situation to handle. Harley suggests the letter, as maybe a sign for the betrayed spouse to recognize that the real issue now is moving to the next level of recovery.<P>You and husband are going to make it. I'm tipping my cap to you and giving you a wink. <P>God Bless.