I remember reading your post awhile ago...... your H is involved with OW from abroad... I believe discovery for you was Oct/99.......<P>My H is involved with OW from abroad too... discovery was Oct/99......... he still is in contact with her..... last known meeting I know of was Oct 99... does your H talk of Divorce too????? just wondering????<BR>scoick

Sorry to butt in!!<P>My W is having a PA with Om from England. After she came back from England, she said she wanted a divorce although she could never say the word just like she cannot admit or say to herself the word "affair". Before she moved out to another apartment I asked her to do nothing for one year. She said that was all right with her. But just three weeks later she said she would not wait that long. I believe OM was pressuring her. After some discussion that bordered on a big LB she wrote me an email that said she was sorry for the night before and would give me the year like she agreed to but she was going to take her relationship with the OM to the next level...PA. I already knew she was in a PA so that did not matter that much.<P>Anyway I got the year which is what I needed. If the affair is to die as I expect, and other professionals have told me it will happen or start to happen in that time period it will die in that time period. I have resigned myself to waiting this out because time is on my side right now. At least I hope it is. I think you told me once that long distance affairs take longer. I believe that, and a good Plan A is essential for a long time. Plan A is for us as much as its for the WS. <P>I hope you can get the necessary time you need and have the emotional well being to stick it out and Plan A as much as possible. Its difficult I know, but I have faith that I can stick it out and beat this whole thing. Sometimes I just don't want to get up in the morning and eating and doing much needed work around the house just doesn't happen for the most part...but my love is still for her and I think it continues to build. I am making some baby steps. I hope to make more this week.<P>Love and Prayers for All!!!<P>J W

hey J. Willy.........<P>It si so hard to Plan A.... just when ya think you're taking baby steps, WHAM.. he starts telling me how nice I am and then the I can't change my feelings for you thing comes out of his mouth.....<P>I have been a Plan A failure... I guess I let him bait me into conversations/arguments and then I loose it... I tell him I don't want to fight and all but I just boil over...<BR>When the D word is brought up I get fiesty... I guess I get so very scared... <BR>anyway... I don't see this dying out cause I guess he plans to see her this summer.......s

According to Dr. Harley 95 % of all affairs die because they are based on lies and deceit. I'd say your odds are pretty good and if does die you need to have the best Plan A possible so your position is good when he dumps her. I have herd other figures that suggest 99 % failure. Also, of those affairs that do end up in marriage 70 percent of those marriages fail. While the numbers of marriages that fail are extraordinary, the percentages actually work for the betrayed spouse. You simply have to be prepared to go the distance. <P>Plan A is hard there is no doubt about that. And if you expect to get a positive reply back from all of your Plan A dedication initially, then you are expecting too much. Read Molli's post " Please read... All is not lost". This is the best description of Plan A I have seen. Its not just for him, in fact, its more for you.<P>I control my LB by controlling my meetings with my W. I do not let her just call and say she wants to talk right then. I make up an excuse or just tell her I am not up for a talk but then I schedule another time. This give me a chance to think about what she wants to talk about before hand and it helps me to prevent LB.<P>I can't tell you how to do it, only that I know anyone can. I guess it depends on how much you want your S back. I love my W very much....even more throughout this. I know that's weird but I guess I have put a hold on my love bank and she cannot withdraw anymore Love Units. Its like I am two people and one is protecting the other from anymore hurt. In the mean time, I am doing my best at Plan A. I actually take ideas from the OM. He has done such a good job at playing to her emotional needs in the last 2 months it is unbelievable. I am doing much of the same thing. Its what she likes. I have a plus that he does not, I have never gotten along so well with my Das during this time. We have become very close. The professional counseling has helped me tremendously with understanding how to love another person. I have my D and the W has alienated her. She wants her D back and now I helping to do that which is scoring more love units I hope.<P>See if you can find things that he needs and do your best at providing them. I know all of this sounds simple. Believe me it's not. It's incredible hard and sometimes I don't think I am going to continue...then I remember my goal, which is for me and my W to be together again. I will let nothing except my D interfere with that goal. I hope I have kind of explained this. If not ask questions. I like many others don't sleep much these days and am willing to help if I can.<P><BR>J W

Up to the top...

Dear Scoick<BR>I am sorry for this late reply,I hope youre still around..Yes,I am still in the midst of this hell called plan A..In fact my H is on his way back from a "business trip"that includes seeing ow..He leaves home about every two weeks on these torture trips,he never mentions that he is seeing her,but I can tell the minute he walks in home that he ha was with her.It is so hard to act happy and glad to see him when I am bleeding inside.To answer your question about divorce:He mentions it ONLY when I demonstrate my feelings of pain and despair at his affair,as long as I am smiling,loving(plan Aing)all is well..or pretense well,,we laugh,have fun,make love...etc as if the affair does not exit Yet,the moment i show my pain(Like when he is packing his bag to go,or when he calls me and tells me he wont be back till a week later,which reinforces my belief that he shall spend the last two days or so of his trip with her)If on those occasions,I express my unhappiness ,,then he responds with brandishing divorce in my face as the only answer...He gets defensive,angry,frustrated and can be very hurtful in what he says...I have had sleepless nights,dreadful days,nightmares about him,me and ow..I constantly talk to myself..YET..I also go out ,have fun,work on my MA,play with my two kids,get massages,facials,took a calligraphy class,spend money like hell,spend,buy,buy,buy..on MYSELF..I cannot tell you how much money I have spent on clothes,shoes,make up,jewelry ...etc and I have no qualms about it..I hate myself for being the weepy wife..I am not that type of person,I have confidence in who I am and what I am and my biggest struggle is to condition myself that I have to depend on me to keep me happy..<BR>I love my h desperately,I yearn for him ,miss him and am totally crazy about him,he breaks my heart,but I cannot but continue to love him..The riddle of love I guess...<P>So,in short,I am hoping to weather this storm,I am no superhuman BUT I shall try and plan A longer..As much as I want to lash out at him as he shall walk in soon, after being a week away from home (and not having called me for the past 5 days,which means he was too busy leading his double life)I know it is not the way to win him back,and will only make ow look more appealing and comforting,I shall have to continue with this charade..<BR>I hope all goes well with you..<BR>What scared me was that S HArley warned me that such a long distance rlp can drag on because of the distance factor.My H can only manage two or three days every 10 days...which does NOT allow reality to set in...HORRIBLE...I almost want him to go to her and stay with her to get a feeling of what a real rlp takes...