I have an issue I'd very much like opinions on. The issue is that of one spouse going on vacation without the other. <P>My wife has gone to visit her single girlfriend in Florida once a year and generally tries to get out one other time a year with several other out-of-town married girlfriends (they rent a cabin in Vermont).<BR> <BR>My wife gets upset because of my reluctance to see her go on long weekend vacations without me. I don't fully understand a spouse's need to be on vacation without the other spouse. My lack of trust, I guess. What angers me most has been her "NEED" to get away for a while from the family. I just don't feel it's right when it's being expressed to me as a need and not simply a desire.<P>My not meeting her EN's probably drove her to feel it as a need to get away, but I certainly didn't know that before her affair nor did she confront the issue with me at the time. She justified the vacations by saying that other wives we know go on vacation without their husbands and she just wanted to spend a little quality time with her girlfriends. She also pointed out that while I haven't expressed any desire to vacation without her, she said I'm free to go if I the opportunity presents itself. <P>She understands Policy of Joint Agreement, but neither of us can see a reasonable compromise. She'd feel resentment if she didn't go and I'd feel resentment if she does.<P>I feel I'm probably being unreasonable, but I can't seem to see a reasonable compromise. Have any of you had this problem and what have you done to compromise?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TomH:<BR><B>I have an issue I'd very much like opinions on. The issue is that of one spouse going on vacation without the other. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, I think the Policy of Joint Agreement is the best policy, but since you can't agree, I'd try searching for the underlying cause of your different feelings. If you can address those, maybe you can see some room for negotiation.<P>In my situation, my H and I used to take trips together as well as separate trips. There were just some interests we didn't share and thought it would be too much of a burden to ask the other to come. <P>Since the affair, I have changed my position for two reasons. First and most obvious, I don't trust him to be alone. Second, I think this pursuing individual interests alone or with others that shared that passion lead to the feeling of loneliness and disconnection. I'd find a way to be there, but maybe not completely involved. For instance, if he is going to a fishing tournament, he can fish all day while I occupy myself elsewhere, and that night we will be together for dinner. Nice compromise?

Well, I would never WANT to go on a "vacation" without my H, but there are times when I might want to go someplace he doesn't want to go, or might feel OBLIGATED (like to visit my mother). Then the question is whether to go or not go.<P>I have done NO family visits for almost 2 years because of Dragon Lady and fears that my H will feel neglected and see her. In the past, I used to go Thursday-Sunday, so we would miss the weekend together. In future, when I go, I'll go Monday-Wednesday, so it's during the week when he's tired after work.<P>And still I don't want to go.<P>I have friends out of state that I don't dare go visit lest he feel neglected.<P>But that's the bargain I made as part of Plan A. Verbal POJA doesn't always mean that's what the spouse feels.

At this point I have to say that if your wife has had an affair it is not reasonable for her to expect you to be OK with her going off for long weekends with friends without you for quite awhile. Regardless of the status of those friends (married, female, etc...) she is not in a position to be trusted much and shouldn't expect it of you. From your other post I think your wife feels similarly to me... that you have fallen short of meeting her EN and feels that you have hurt her in many ways. Even so she needs to know that she handled things in the wrong way through her affair and should not expect things from you in the way of trust that you cannot give.<P>I still have some issues with my H as far as my affair goes and whether it was truly an affair, etc... but I do know that there are limits as far as his trust now and that there are things he may never trust me to do again. I do not ask him to do these things (or I try very hard not to) and your wife should be thinking about this as well.<P>------------------<BR>"I believe... this is heaven to no one else but me - and I'll defend it long as I can be left here to linger in silence if I choose to would you try to understand?" - Sarah McLachlan