H finally tore himself away from work yesterday to come and tell me "the truth".<BR>he says OW really is engaged, but that he loves her, she loves him, and he refuses to give her up, because he NEEDS her in his life as a good friend.<BR>He still wants a separation, but seems more and more willing to give reconciliation a chance (though he is still not hopeful). He knows if he goes after OW now, she will take him right back. <BR>He admitted several lies about things he had told me in the past.<BR>I think what really made him come home was that i told him i called the lawyer about getting the misdemeanor off my record, and i hinted i may have to do whatever it takes to make sure my children are not taken from me, but it at least got his attention.<BR>I think H is very confused at this point, and i minimized lovebusters. He invited me to sleep in his bed, just to help a friend feel better, and then had sex with me, but was overcome with guilt about it (he's been that way for a loooong time, so it did not bother me).<BR>All in all, it was a very pleasant evening, he even cooked dinner, though neither of us is eating right now at all, and we remembered some of the good times, and he gave me a book about spiritual/emotional healing that he said helped him a lot.<BR>this is walking on broken glass.<BR>playing with dynamite.<BR>if i even so much as hint that im angry about contact with OW, it will drive him away.<BR>He apologized profusely about not having divorced me before he did anything with her.<BR>OK, so now we are clear on things. this is still better than the lies and coverups and telling me im crazy, but i know what lies ahead of me now, so i can map my path with a little more confidence.<BR>thanks to you all for your continued support, <BR>julie

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I don't have any advice. It just bites to get back into the cycle...wear shoes on that broken glass <P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

thanks, lor. i hope you are staying strong, too <BR>hugs,<BR>julie

Ugh. He says he's in love with her and is heavily addicted. In my opinion, there's no way you can compete with this RIGHT NOW nor is there any way he can break it off while feeling this way. No matter what you do or say, my guess is he's going to go after her.<P>Like so many of our husband who have been dishonest through our Plan A for months on end, this is not a new relationship. The only way you get to play is for it to die on its own weight. Meanwhile, the longer you go on with this degree of pain, the more withdrawals occur to your lovebank. When he's done with her, you may not want him back.<P>At this stage, my recommendation is to let him go to her and wait for them to blow themselves up. Odds are very high that it will happen. On Harley's radio show yesterday, he said that only 5% of the time do affairs lead to marriage, and there's an 80% divorce rate within marriages formed this way. He's going to miss you horribly if you cut him off - he's so used to having you both. There are no guarantees, but I think the odds are strongly in your favor if you force him to depend on her to meet all his needs.<P>I don't know if you've done it before, but this might be a good time to give Steve Harley a call. It probably won't take more than 1 - 2 sessions to figure out what to do here, so I don't think it will cost you a bundle. This is very personal to you, but I bet Steve has seen this exact situation hundreds of times. It's not really atypical, unfortunately.<P>Best of luck. I'll be saying a little prayer for you.

yeah, distressed, i feel more and more like a textbook case everyday. unfortunately H already HAS lived with her, and apparantly she did meet all his needs (but i did not know he was with her, and he would come home every weekend and we'd be the very happy family/in love couple and all that)<BR>he's in pretty deep, but she lives 100 miles from here, and she has a pretty long history of lovebusting and being jealous of me, so i think he is just really feeling the sting of losing her if she is indeed engaged to someone else. if i can plan A my little heart out, and let him have all the contact he needs with her, i think it can begin to die. it's all out in the open now, which is a big part of affair death, right?<BR>he is finally showing remorse for hurting me, which is very new for him, and we have vowed to be very kind to each other for the children's sakes, so i have a flicker of hope that this can be fixed. he thinks we HAVE tried to fix it, and i say we have NOT tried to, so that is a sticking point. You're right, it is time for me to call steve harley and cement a plan of action.

well, i have an appt with a lawyer for a "free" ($30) consultation today at 1. wish me luck! id like to get this stupid misdemeanor off my record, and i hope H sees it as me doing something for myself to help myself, and not as just me not doing what he said, pleading guilty at the first.<BR>i'll be back with an update....<BR>

Julie,<BR>There is nothing more that I would want to see than your marriage work out.....but please be careful.<P>My husband did some of those things...called all the time, telling me if I canceled my filing for D, that he would think about coming home. I called my first attorney and made an [censored] out of myself. He would call me and tell me that he thinks about me all the time and get me crying and so hurt that I would call him back and make an [censored] out of myself...again. Hence...now I am wacked out and mental.<P>Some men have plans....I hope yours is to make your marriage work.<P>I hope I don't offend you...if his intentions are real....I am so happy for the two of you.<P>Nancy

nancy, thanks for the warnings and support.<BR>well, i saw the lawyer. it turns out it was really good i did not plead guilty when i first went to court...there would be 3 years probation, 52 weeks of anger counseling, and all kinds of court fees. but now, i only need to come up with $1250 and he thinks it'll be pretty easy to get me off the hook, since i have a post-partum depression problem, am now on my meds, and seeing a counselor already.<BR>i don't want H to have any ammo against me if his intentions are different from what he says. (he SAYS co-parenting and not trying to harm me, but im not so sure, and i should not trust him).<BR>on the lighter side, today is the first sunny almost warm day we've had in awhile, and im in the best mood ive been in in ...years.<BR>H never believed that if he told me the truth, i would stop being angry with him, but that is exactly what happened-he told me, and im not angry anymore. simple.<BR>so, im calling all my friends, begging for money...pathetic...but i have a few who i know have some, at least.<BR>thanks for letting me vent,<BR>julie

Oj Julie, please do be careful with what you say/do around him.<P>I am so sorry he is so adamit about having her in his life. <P>All I can say is we are here if you need us.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>Hepatitis C, educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://hepatitis-central.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://hepatitis-central.com/</A>

yeah, deb, it's weird. he just insists he can't give her up. well, he's like that. his last ex wife was his best friend for ages after the divorce...<BR>i can live with him talking to her, because I at least have the maturity to know these feelings end (especially if she's engaged???), so i know it's just some sort of weird withdrawal thing (he's all older than me, and she claims to be older and wiser, but they are the 2 oldest 5 year olds ive ever met! ).<BR>life is just too weird sometimes...<P>------------------<BR><A HREF="http://www.go.to/wcu" TARGET=_blank>loveWASblind</A>

Julie,<BR>Will the affair end just because she says that she is engaged. My H had an affair with a married woman. Her H knew but insisted since they were never gone over night they couldn't be doing anything. LOL....but it did not end his "love" for her because she is married and till this day they still have a "friendly" relationship, even after my arrest and going to court and being convicted of the crime against her. Both her H and mine were at the court hearing and high fived each other at the end.<P>Nancy

LWB-<P>I did the same thing. Came up with $1250 and the whole thing went away. Had a meeting with the DA and they dropped all charges with no classes, fines, or anything else.<P>I don't know how much my attorney actually did for me, but I am glad that I had him.<P>Good Luck to you.

mental-ugh! no, it won't end. i pity her fiance, that's for sure. she was surely proud she had cheated on her first husband, and from the looks of it, one of her kids is another man's...she is BAD news. very broken woman.<BR>grandpabri-thanks for the good news! i hope this will all be taken care of and forgotten next week...<P>im doing well, still waiting on the friends to get back to me about lending me the money...but me and the kids are going out to enjoy the spring weather with friends, and that will be good.<BR>H and i have just agreed that we can have low-key physical contact- the occasional hug- without either of us freaking out or our agreement to separate being negated, so that's a good thing. he's very fragile, and in some sort of relapse of "love" with the OW, so im treading lightly.<BR>prayers and hugs to you all,<BR>julie

Julie,<BR>I'm glad you were able to enjoy the weather...it is kind of cool and rainy here in Indiana. <P>I hope everything goes well for you and those great kids of yours....and for that matter...I pray that your H sees the light and realizes what a wonderful family he has.<P>Good luck<P>Nancy